I remain there, suspended in the moment, suspended above her body, praying for God to freeze us exactly in that moment for all time. Nothing has ever felt like this, and I fear that nothing ever will again.
At last, I roll on my side, pulling Sabrina into my arms. I’m nearly overcome with satisfaction. I never want to move, and don’t really know if I could at this point. My limbs are heavy, my chest full of an emotion I don’t want to name.
Sabrina is breathing heavily beside me. She stares at the ceiling, and I follow her gaze, watching silently as the shadows from the fire in the other room chase each other. I would give anything to know what she’s thinking.
“Why did you come back to Cape Craven?”
I consider my answer for a moment. “Last time, I wanted to patch things up with my dad. My career as a soldier wasn’t what I thought it would be.” I paused because that isn’t exactly right. “Or rather, it was what I thought it would be, but I didn’t realize until later that it wasn’t what I wanted.”
I’m not sure how much to say. In the moment, I feel pulled apart, wide open. This is the time to say things unsaid, isn’t it?
“The things I saw—the things I did. I needed a time out from the world. This place provided that. But I also needed to be home. With the people I care about.” Sabrina included.
“And this time?” she asks, turning to look into my face. “Why are you back this time?”
I take a breath. I can feel the wall coming up between us, and it seems like the greatest tragedy of my lifetime. Worse than everything that’s come before. I want to tear that wall down brick by brick. But how?
There are things unsaid between us, something she’s not saying. Something I won’t say. Because the truth is, I’m not here for any honorable reason.
I’m not here for her. As much as I wish I were.
I’m here for revenge. But I can’t tell Sabrina that.
I open my mouth, but no words come out.
“That’s what I thought,” she says, sitting up, pulling herself out of my arms and making me feel emptier than the man behind bars had felt for five long years.
I’m hollow.
“Take me home,” she says as she pulls on her clothes.
“Sabrina,” I say, running my hands through my hair. “Give me a minute, please.”
“Ax, I knew this was a mistake from the beginning. We can’t get tangled up again. But I’d had a few drinks, and I figured why not. I figured—”
“Stop it,” I say, and it comes out more forcefully than expected. Her head snaps up, a sour look on her normally sweet features. “You know that’s not what this was. Don’t blame it on the alcohol.”
She looks away, zipping up her pants and putting on her shoes. “Take me home,” she says, crossing her arms over her chest.
I sigh, pulling myself out of bed and finding my pants. “Sabrina, this is more complicated than either of us is equipped to deal with right now. I wish things were different, but they’re not.”
“More complicated than I’m equipped to deal with? Fuck you. You don’t know me anymore.”
She stomps out of the bedroom, and I grab a shirt and follow her. “Look, I don’t think you mean—”
“Oh, I mean it.” Her eyes burn me and a wave of shame washes over me. “What’s so complicated about the question I asked? If you aren’t here for some fucked up reason, you’d tell me. Ergo, you’re here to fuck something up. What are you gonna do this time? Burn down the family estate?”
Anger ignites, and I fire back. “I didn’t fuck anything up last time, except my brother’s plans for domination over my father’s empire.”
“Is that your angle? You committed armed robbery so your brother wouldn’t take over the company? Great job, Ax. It sounds like things really worked out for you.”
I pick up my leather jacket and shove it into her arms, then put the helmet on her head and make sure the strap is tight. She slaps my hands away, and I feel worse, fucked up somehow, cut off from ever touching her again.
“Brent set me up, Sabrina. I didn’t steal anything.” And part of me doesn’t want to believe that she’d think I’m capable of betraying my own family.
Why? You’re about to do it now to your dear little brother at the first chance you get.
I shake that thought off. It doesn’t work with the righteous anger flooding me.
She purses her lips, an expression I’m familiar with. I call it her “I smell bullshit” face. “Why on Earth would Brent set you up? Brent’s never done anything wrong.”
That’s the image he’s worked so hard to cultivate. Butter wouldn’t melt in Brent’s mouth. Student body president. Captain of his college club’s debate team. He’s always done everything Dad has requested. But everyone forgets, I know him best. And Brent is a rotten little shit. Rotten to the core.
“He didn’t like me making up with Dad after I got out of the service. He needed me out of the way. So he paid some flunky to rob the museum, planted the evidence, paid off whoever he needed to, and sent me away to Tabor Correctional.”
She stands there, staring at me, her face blank. Does she want to believe me? Can she?
“Take me home,” she says after a moment, her tone weary.
Suddenly it’s more important that she believes me than anything else, including revenge on Brent. “I didn’t do it,” I say, grabbing her shoulders. “Come on, baby girl. You know I wouldn’t do that.”
“I’m not your baby girl,” she says, pulling away, but I can hear the regret in her voice. She opens the door to the cabin and steps outside, indicating the conversation is over. I tamp down the feeling of unfinished business in my belly and start up the motorcycle.
She climbs on behind me, but the closeness of before has vanished. She wraps her hands around my waists and holds on, but with none of the caresses of earlier.
I spend the drive to her house wracking my brain for something to say, some way to bridge the gap that now stretches between us. Nothing comes to mind. I’m distracted by the memory of what just happened. I still smell like her. I can still feel her.
How can I convince her not to go?
How can I let her stay?
We reach the end of the dirt lane where her mother’s house is, and suddenly it’s high school all over again. I’m dropping her off at the end of the night, already counting the hours until I can touch her again.
“Sabrina,” I say, stopping her before she can head down the walk to her house. “I’ve never lied to you. I’m guilty of many things, the first being stupid enough to leave you the first time, and a complete idiot to let them take me away from you the second time. But I’ve never lied to you, not once. I’m innocent. I was set up.”
She looks up at me, and I can see the starlight reflected in the dark depths of her eyes. I realize then that they’re filling with unshed tears. “What does it matter?” she asks after a moment. “Even if you didn’t do anything then, you’re going to do something now. I can tell. You have that relentless look about you, and I know it’s not for me. You’re planning something. Something bad.”
She turns to go, and I grab her hand, pulling her back. But when she meets my gaze again, unspoken words melt off my tongue. There’s nothing to say, really. She’s right. “I’m sorry, Sabrina.”
“Me too,” she says, tugging her hand away forcefully. “Goodbye, Ax.” She starts down the walk, and I can feel my chest turn cold.
“Oh,” she says, pausing to turn back. “Five years from now, don’t bother to stop by. I think we both know I’m not equipped to handle it.” Then she’s gone, into the house and out of my life.
My heart freezes over in my chest.
14
Sabrina
“Motherfucker,” I mutter under my breath, leaning back against the door and closing my eyes.
“Language, young lady.”
My eyes shoot open and land on the couch, where I see my mother and daughter, playing a game of cards. My mother is frowning. Lex
looks bored.
“Sorry,” I say mumbling, heading for my room.
“I thought you were gonna call for a ride home,” Mom hollers after me.
“I got a ride.”
“I thought I heard a motorcycle,” I hear Lex say, and freeze.
“A motorcycle.” Mom’s tone is flat. “Sabrina, get your ass back in here.”
I ignore her, shutting the bedroom door behind me. I’m in no mood for the fifth degree. Not that my interests put my mother off for a minute. A few moments later, I hear a knock at the door.
I don’t bother to answer because the doorknob turns and she’s in my room the next minute.
“Where’s your walker, Mom?” I ask, digging in my drawers for some pajamas. I’m about to pull my jeans off when I remember that my underwear was literally ripped off my body earlier tonight.
“You were with Ax.” No preliminaries. Mom gets right to the meat of the conversation.
I shrug. “You told me to go out and get drunk. It’s not my fault degenerates hang around that saloon.”
I can see she wants to laugh through her anger, but she clings stubbornly to being upset. “What happened?”
“Nothing, Mom.”
She sits on the edge of the bed and I see the air go out of her, fear replacing the anger that had been in her face. I instantly feel like a piece of shit.
“Mom, I’m sorry,” I say, putting a hand on her shoulder. “Nothing happened. He won’t be in town long. I told him to leave me alone.”
She settles her hand over mine, patting it a few times. “Good. He’s not good for you, Sabrina. That whole family is fucked up, and you need to stay out of it.”
I sit on the bed beside her. “Mom, I’ve told you before, I think you’re making too much out of this.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t think so, Sabrina. The older brother runs away, becomes a soldier, comes back and becomes a criminal. The younger brother practically runs this town now, whether you want to admit it or not. They’re gonna butt heads, mark my words, and I don’t want you and Lex getting between them.”
“Nothing to worry about,” I say, as if by habit. “He doesn’t know about Lex. And he won’t.” Not if I can help it.
“He might not, but you can’t tell me his brother doesn’t suspect something. Brent Craven is not stupid. He knows you guys dated in high school, even if you hid it from his daddy. And he can do basic math, I assume, being a vice president in Craven Industries.”
I fall back against the mattress, scrubbing my face with my hands. “Mom, we’ve been over this. As long as I don’t come out and say Lex is Ax’s daughter, Brent will leave me alone. I don’t want anything to do with the Craven money. Brent can choke on it.”
Mom’s eyes widen at the vitriol in my voice. Although Brent has always rubbed me the wrong way, I’ve never been openly hostile to him before. Then again, I hadn’t known that he sent his older brother to prison and ruined whatever chance we might have had at finding happiness.
I admit to myself then that I believe Ax. I probably shouldn’t, but as he said, he’s never lied to me before. So why start now? And Ax isn’t the type to fuck over his family. He’d been excited about working things out with his dad. Why would he suddenly drop that in favor of a stupid crime like stealing the family jewels? It’s a dumb crime straight out of some cheesy historical romance novel.
But the town had been quick to believe his guilt. He’s the resident bad boy, a war hero who refused to ride in the Veteran’s Day parade, setting off all kinds of unpatriotic talk. There’d been a whisper campaign against him since the day he returned to town, and I wonder now if Brent had a hand in that.
“Ax Craven quit the army because he couldn’t hack it.”
“Craven is back to get a piece of his dad’s fortune before the old man kicks.”
“Ax decided it was more profitable to suck up to daddy than to kill rats in the desert.”
I’d always done my best to ignore the small town rumor mill when it came to the Cravens. I’m too close to the issue, so to speak, since I’m harboring Ax’s secret love child. That’s not something Brent is going to ignore.
Nor would Christopher Craven, from what Ax has told me in the past. He’d been furious in the days that came after the prom. We’d been in the woods behind the school, and he’d been crashing his way through the underbrush, breaking branches and smashing his fist into a tree until his knuckles bled. I’d tried to get him to open up, but all he said is that his father wants him stuck under his thumb for the rest of his life.
I had a feeling the life old man Craven had planned for Ax didn’t include a low-rent townie like me. Especially one dumb enough to get pregnant with his son’s child.
“Maybe we should move,” I say, spur of the moment. “What’s holding us here anymore? I lost my job. The insurance has pretty much run out anyway. What about making a fresh start somewhere else?”
Mom smiles, but it’s a sad smile. “Honey, I’ve lived here all my life. I’m too old to start over. But you and Lex should. Get out and see the world.”
I frown. “Mom, I wouldn’t leave you behind.”
She shakes her head. “I have my social security. I can move into one of those little apartments on Shaker Road. Hang out with the other seniors.”
Those apartments are bug-infested crapholes. There’s no way Mom is moving in there. “Mom, that’s ridiculous.”
“It’s not, so hush,” she said, pinching me lightly. “You and Lex could move to Wilmington. There’s got to be more job opportunities there. In fact, Janie Carter’s sister works in a laundry up there. I bet she could get you a spot to help you get on your feet.”
“Mom, stop,” I say, sitting up and putting an arm around here. “I’m not going to leave you. Lex is a two-person job, remember?”
Mom laughs. “Lil Devil’s not so bad. Maybe a change of pace would help her too.”
I sigh. It might. She wouldn’t have to worry about townie kids teasing her about her absent father. And I wouldn’t have to spend long nights wondering if Ax is going to show up again.
I could cut ties entirely. Keep my heart safe.
Maybe start all over again.
Except I can’t.
I won’t leave Mom behind, and to be honest, I don’t want to leave Cape Craven. Sure, the town has its issues, but so do I. Everyone does. Cape Craven is home, the only one I’ve ever known. When I was younger, I wanted to explore the world, take it by storm, prove myself. Show everyone I wasn’t just a small-town girl.
I’m grown up enough to admit to myself now that I am a small-town girl. I like knowing everyone’s name. I like seeing friends at the general store or at Mabel’s. I like being able to walk downtown, to leave my car doors unlocked, to know that my kid is safe.
And as much as I know the fairytale ending isn’t in the cards for Ax and me, I have to admit that I like walking through our memories each day. I remember sharing a Popsicle behind the corn shack out on Route 3. I remember racing his motorcycle on my bike down the hill that passes the factory where half the town works.
I remember kissing him for hours under the bleachers in front of the old bandstand in the park near the courthouse.
I don’t want to leave those memories. They are all I have left to cling to. Once Ax rides out of town, he takes the dream of a perfect future with him, and those shadows of days past will be all that remain.
“Mom?”
I raise my head at the voice of my daughter. “Yes, sweetheart?”
“Want to play a hand?”
I glance at the clock on my bedside table. It’s after 10:00 pm. “Isn’t it past your bedtime?”
Lex shrugs. “It’s not like we’ve got to be up in the morning.”
My mom lets out a loud bark of laughter. “She’s right.”
I shake my head, but a smile graces my face. “I suppose it won’t hurt.”
I follow my daughter back to the living room and sit on the couch, making sure my mom finds
her way into the armchair.
“The game is rummy,” I announce as I shuffle the cards. “Prepare to get schooled.”
I spend the rest of the evening losing cards to my daughter. My mom falls asleep not long after we start, but Lex and I play until midnight.
I walk her to her room, and she stops just outside. “Mom?”
“Yes, sweetheart?” I ask, planting a kiss on the top of her dark head.
“About the door to my room? Can I have it back?”
I laugh. “It’s only been a day, Lex.”
“It was a good day,” she says, wagging her finger at me.
We both burst out laughing, and for a moment, she’s just a nine-year-old kid, and I’m just her mom. It feels good to laugh. I give her a hug and guide her into her bed, tucking her in tight. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow, okay? Now get some sleep.”
I turn off the light and pad down the hallway. I wake up my Mom, who blinks sleepily. I help her up and get her to use her walker for once. We slowly make it down the hall, and I settle her into her own bed.
Finally, it’s time for me to find my bed. I push away the sensation of nagging regret. I’ve never enjoyed the feeling of sleeping alone, although I’ve rarely slept any other way. Something about it feels wrong.
I tell myself that I should have stayed home tonight. I could have enjoyed the evening with my family and not bothered with the booze. Not like it’s ever solved a problem for me. That’s not how adults should handle things like getting fired.
Adults shouldn’t get fired in the first place, I remind myself, rolling over and punching my pillows a few times to fluff it, and to get rid of the nervous energy coursing through my body. It doesn’t help much.
Would I really have given up the chance to make love to Ax Craven again? Could I admit to myself, alone in the dark, that I’ve wanted to fuck him again since I saw him at Mabel’s? It’s true, whether I’ll admit to it or not. Ax draws me to him like nothing else can. He calls me a witch, but he’s the magical one. Irresistible doesn’t begin to cover it.
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