I was barely listening at this point. It all made perfect sense. Max’s whole life was turned upside down by his father beating the ever living crap out of him when he was a teenager. Max goes into a mental institution where the nurses torture and mistreat him. He eventually gets out and lives a sub-par life, always living in the shadow of the beating. He misses out on promotion, misses out on girls, then gets some mystical fuck over that gives him the power to bend reality. He spends months being drugged so he can avoid it, then they take the drugs away, then they poke and prod him, experimenting on him and keeping him medicated just enough to be safe. Finally there’s a disaster and the safety’s off. The drugs wear off, nobody’s watching, and all hell breaks use. He sucks everything into his mind and starts wandering through it.
And that’s what Max was trying to do: he was trying to change his life. So many horrible things had happened to him, he was just trying to remove them from his life one by one. Violence was all he knew, so violence was the way he was getting rid of them. He was trying so hard to kill off all his tormentors, probably with the idea if he could remove them his life would be different.
But there was one tormentor that he couldn’t remove. He could remove the only one that mattered. No matter how much he changed, it didn’t seem like he could change the one act that started it: his father’s beating. Even possessed of all this power, his father still marauded through his mind as a monster. Max had the power to bend reality and some wicked looking knives, but he still feared his father.
I marveled at what that does to a kid. You’re thirteen, fourteen, whatever, and you have an abusive dad. Then one day he calls you in and beats the utter crap out of you. Max showed up in the hospital and his father in prison, so I’m guessing the aftermath included broken bones, blood, coma, the works. I bet most people’s lives would be fucked up by that. No wonder Max was a twisted fuck. He was fighting back the only way he knew how. His father introduced him to violence and that’s what he had to work with.
This all confirmed what I had been turning over in my head. I was the one person who could help him. Every time I went into blackness I had the same dream, the dream of his beating. I followed him, always going with him into that room. I thought it was a dream, but what if it wasn’t? What if it was just another memory, like the hospital? Max was trying to change his life by destroying his pain. What if I could stop the one pain that started it all?
I smiled. I just knew this was right. I knew this was what I needed to do. Without a further thought, I turned down the hallway, yanking open the first door I saw. Merill and Katie stared, and a few moments later wandered after me. They said something, but I wasn’t listening. Behind the first door was a closet. I rooted around in the closet, not finding what I was looking for, before I left the closet and went to the next door on the hall.
“What are you doing?” I vaguely recall Katie saying.
“Looking for it,” I said.
This next door was an office. I knocked over a computer in my frantic search. I checked the closet and the cabinets, but nothing. I needed to find the blackness. That was my only link back to the dream. I ran back out into the hallway to the next room.
“Stop making so much noise,” said Katie, grabbing my shoulder. I shrugged it off, but she continued, “Max could hear us.”
The next door was a day room. It was a wide empty room with long tables and chairs. There were two board games on the table, plastic pieces strewn over half open boards. I scanned the room and saw a closet in one corner, probably where all the board games were kept. I ran to the door, flinging it open. On the other side was vast blackness. I laughed.
“I found it!” I said.
“But we just came from that,” said Katie. “It might not be any better!”
“You don’t understand!” I said, “I’ve figured it out! I know how to fix this whole thing!” The thought of what I needed to do burned in my brain so strongly that I must have been manic. Once I knew what to do, I was consumed by solving that riddle.
“What do you mean?” asked Katie. Merill looked over her shoulder, also concerned.
“Just wait, you’ll see!” I shouted triumphantly, then leapt into the blackness.
Falling through black space reduced some of my enthusiasm, as its thought-wiping vastness destroyed any excitement I had. But even as I sank through the ceiling to land on the floor of that dining room I had seen so many times, what I needed to do still burned in my mind. For once I remembered who I was and what I was doing when I stood in that room. The blonde girl said something to the boy, who only nodded. Then she turned to me.
“The choice is yours to make,” she said.
I nodded, finally understanding all the gibberish she had said to me.
The boy left the room and I felt the familiar tugging, gently pulling me into the room after him. This time I embraced it, as I swept into the room, not propelled by my feet, but by the intensity of will. It was at it always was, the man in work clothes that I now knew was Max’s dad. I came to rest behind the young boy, the young Max, standing behind him like a guardian angel.
As always, I remained unnoticed in the room as the father yelled at the son. The exact words were lost to me; I only heard the rage and emotion. I thought how disgusted I was that a man would let himself lose his temper and assault his poor defenseless son. My body was frozen as always. If I tried to move my arms, nothing would happen. Instead I sat and listened as the man’s voice grew and the rage grew hotter. I knew it would only be another few moments before he raised his hand to his boy.
As the father’s rage grew, he was surrounded by a red light that grew stronger. His words grew sharper and the light grew redder. Then he lifted his arm, red electricity crackling over the arm. He swung down at the boy. I did not need to move a muscle. I moved via willpower, pure thought and intention, grabbing the father’s arm and holding it in air. The father was confused, only vaguely seeing me. The boy smiled.
“How could you do that to your son?” I screamed. Red electricity flowed down his arm and into mine.
“You are a father,” I screamed, red energy flowing into me, “You protect your family! You protect your son!”
Without thinking, I punched him. He was weak and still barely aware I was there, so he crumpled to the couch. Still acting without thought, I stepped forward and punched him again. And again. I couldn’t help myself as I kept striking him. He feebly held his hands up to block my punches, but it was useless. I hit him again and again, knocking out teeth and bloodying his lips. At a certain point I was even disgusted with my own behavior, but I kept striking him, sparks of red energy shooting everywhere each time I hit him. Finally I wrenched myself away, grabbing my own fist with my other hand and holding it back. I found myself exhausted, empty, my breath heaving.
I stepped back, swaying on my feet as I looked at the unconscious man in front of me. Did I say unconscious? Unconscious if I was lucky. If I was unlucky, he would be dead. I was disgusted with myself. Hoping to feel good about myself, I turned and looked at the boy. He had a big smile.
“Thank you, mister,” he said, showing those pearly whites.
I smiled weakly back, patting his head and ruffling his head. I took a deep breath and decided it was a job well done, even if I wasn’t happy with how I acted.
The world rippled like water or a cheap Hollywood flashback, and I knew we were done here. The rippling grew greater and I began to feel dizzy. Finally reality turned completely into water which fell to the ground and washed away, revealing a different world. It was strangely jarring, watching everything I knew as real just slip to the ground, revealing another world, like a curtain was dropped.
Everything was sharper, more real than before, as if I had grown used to blurry glasses and now truly saw. It was not a spectacular world I found myself in. I saw simple hospital corridors, the same Bellingham corridors I had seen so many times. But these were comforting, these were familiar. These were not corridors of peeling paint a
nd disrepair, nor of fresh renovations and new psychological industry. These were renovated corridors broken from explosion, the after effects of the pillar of light. The lights flickered like a strobe light. Plaster had fallen from the ceiling. This was the real hospital. This wasn’t Max’s mind. This was reality.
I was in a broad area where the corridors came together. In other wings, this was where the clear plastic doors were located, but this wing had none. Double doors stood at one end with a sign indicating Wing D. One of the double doors was half off its hinge, but the other looked stable. I was not alone in this area. It had about a dozen patients, still in bathrobes and sweatpants. They were crowded around a spot that I couldn’t see. I wondered if someone had fallen or had a heart attack.
“John!” I heard a familiar voice cry and I turned, having Katie in my arms before I knew what was happening. Everything else was forgotten as I held her in my arms. There was something so comfortable, so right while she held herself against me. I closed my eyes and let a warm feeling run through me. After what seemed like both an eternity and far too short a time, she pulled herself away from me. She stepped back from me, immediately distant, her face a mixture of confusion and tentative happiness.
“It was horrible!” she said finally. “Max found us! We ran as fast as we could, but he kept after us, shouting like a madman. We didn’t know where to run! We couldn’t find a door to the blackness and the monster never showed up. He almost had us. He stabbed the doctor in the leg!” She turned aside to reveal a less than thrilled Merill. He clutched at his thigh which had a dark stain. He had tried bandaging it, but I could tell that it wasn’t working very well. He winced whenever he put weight on it, which looked to be most of the time.
“Where were you?” she asked.
“How did you escape from Max?” I asked. Merill was limping, how could they get away from Max like that?
“Luck? Deus ex Machina?” she said. “Dunno.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Max stabbed the doctor and I stopped to help him up. I looked up and Max was right on top of us. He had that creepy fucking smile he always had! There were all those knives! I wanted to do something, I just couldn’t. I was scared. I should have kicked him or something. I just wasn’t myself. I was just so afraid. I just closed my eyes and waited.”
She just stopped talking, looking at me like I should understand what happened next.
“And then what happened?” I asked.
“I heard a noise that wasn’t my own death or stabbing. I opened my eyes and saw that the doctor was okay, so then I looked at Max. He was just on the ground, passed out.” She paused and then pointed at the crowd of patients. “Over there.”
I turned and looked at the crowd. A few patients had wandered off, so I could now see that there was a prone body in the center of the crowd.
“So where the fuck were you?” she asked, suddenly a little angry. “I was in danger and you were off somewhere else. Don’t you want the rescue money? I’m the damsel and I was fucking in distress, John.”
I let myself smile, which seemed to piss her off more. “I was setting things right. I think I’m the one who saved you.”
“Eh?” said Merill, looking up from his pain.
Katie jumped in before I could answer. “Isn’t that convenient? You bail, hear about our miraculous escape, then take credit for the miracle? Just like a man. I can’t believe that I trusted you, when you’re just like all the others.”
“No, stop, listen,” I said. “We were in Max’s mind, right? Well, I found the source of things. The original thing that fucked him all up. I was inside Max’s memories and I fixed things.”
“What?” asked Merill urgently.
I ignored him, focusing on Katie. “I put everything right,” I said, moving close to her, putting my arms around her. She reluctantly came close. “That’s why we were ejected from Max’s mind. That’s why it fell away. That’s why we’re here.” I pulled her in for full hug, pressing her against me. It felt nice. It felt right. “It’s all over.”
“Is it really?” she asked.
“What did you do?” asked Merill urgently behind us.
“It is,” I said reassuringly to Katie. “It’s over.”
Merill grabbed my shoulder, slowly and insistently saying each word to me. “What. Did. You. Do?”
I pulled partially away from the embrace. “Every time I went into the black, I had a dream. A dream of a young boy being beaten by his father. I didn’t think much of it until I saw the monster. It had the same face as the father. So I knew that I was seeing Max’s memory every time we went there.”
“You’re so smart,” said Katie.
I smiled, basking in the praise.
“What did you do?” asked Merill again, even more insistently.
“I realized that Max was fucked up because his father beat him. That ruined his life and turned him into a maniac. So I undid it.”
I expected Merill to say it again, so I turned to him and saw his expression. I sighed and continued.
“I stopped his father from beating him. I changed the past, or at least Max’s past. I changed who he was, so it changes who he becomes. No more trauma, no more painful beating. Now he grows up to be a fine upstanding individual. We’re done here. Crisis averted.” I moved back to enjoying my Katie-hug.
“You did what?” shouted Merill.
I lifted my head and looked at him.
“You stopped that beating? You helped him avoid it?” asked Merill, his eyes wide.
I looked at him, complete confused. Katie and I both pulled apart.
“You defended him?” asked Merill, his voice even more incredulous. His voice even more concerned.
“I can’t believe you did that,” Merill said.
I began to notice that it was suddenly brighter in the room, something beyond flickering lights. I looked over and saw a golden glow in the middle of the crowd.
“Why did you help him?” Merill asked, sounding defeated now.
The golden glow was definitely growing brighter.
“What the hell is that?” I asked.
Inside the crowd, a golden glowing form stood up. There were multiple noises – the sound of metal hitting flesh, the squeal and screams of the innocent, blood spraying. Five members of the crowd fell over, blood spilling from their bodies, knives sticking from their bodies.
An unearthly choir started singing, their voices seemingly coming from nowhere.
“You’ve doomed us all,” said Merill.
Seventeen
TRANSCRIPT: OBSERVATION ROOM 5. PATIENT 457. ATTENDING PHYSICIAN: DR. MERILL (CONTINUED)
PATIENT: There was one person who was supposed to protect me. He was supposed to be there for me. But he was the source of the biggest betrayal. The first betrayal.
DOCTOR: And who was that?
PATIENT: My father of course.
DOCTOR: Let’s talk about that betrayal.
PATIENT: What’s there to say? He nearly beat me to death. The state put him in prison and put me in the hospital, and my life has been downhill since then. I still wake up in the middle of the night, afraid he’s going to come through the door and grab me.
DOCTOR: And you feel he is to blame for everything in your life?
PATIENT: Yes, completely. I see him when I close my eyes at night.
DOCTOR: And you don’t feel that in any way your father might have had a reason for his anger?
PATIENT: You think he was justified in his actions? I was an innocent. I came home from school and he wanted to talk to me. Then he yelled at me and he beat me. I’m an innocent.
DOCTOR: Don’t you feel like you are avoiding some context for your father’s actions? Don’t you feel like you are leaving out important details?
PATIENT: I don’t understand what you’re getting at.
DOCTOR: Max, you killed and mutilated your own mother, stashing her body in the boiler room of your apartment building.
PATI
ENT: I have no idea of what you’re talking about.
DOCTOR: You had a history of violence that went unchecked. You preyed upon all the animals in your apartment building, skinning them and hanging them in that boiler room. Then when it wasn’t enough, you moved onto your mother.
PATIENT: That’s not true!
DOCTOR: It is true, Max. It is true.
PATIENT: So what if it is true?
DOCTOR: Don’t you feel some sort of remorse? That you should receive some sort of punishment?
PATIENT: No.
DOCTOR: No? Why not?
PATIENT: Do you expect a god to be responsible for his actions? Do you expect a god to feel remorse?
DOCTOR: You’re a god now?
PATIENT: More than you know, more than you know.
He stood over the pile of bodies, his body glowing with a golden radiance. A stronger light shined from behind his head like a halo in stained glass. His face was calm, beatific. His eyes were gently closed. I would almost believe he was a saint or an angel, if he didn’t stand over a pile of bleeding bodies.
It was Max, but it was so much more than Max.
He smiled and stretched, his eyes still closed. As he stretched, his knives gently pulled themselves out of the bodies in front of him and twisted around him like leaves in a breeze. Each came to rest around him, twelve knives pointing in all directions like rays of light. His smile widened and his eyes opened.
“It’s good to be free,” he said. With a mere flick of his wrist, a knife shot out and stabbed into the body of a cowering patient in front of him. The knife slowly lifted the patient up into the air, the body reaching eye level in front of Max. They patient moaned and bled, but Max simply looked over his handiwork, nodding approvingly. Then he just slightly turned his head and the body was tossed to the side against the wall, the knife resuming its place in his array.
“Fuck,” I said.
“Yes,” said Merill. “We’re doomed.”
The Lost and the Damned Page 28