by Jude Ouvrard
He’ll protect you from another heartbreak.
The whole time Miles played his guitar, his gaze stayed glued on me. What does he want? Meanwhile, John stood next to me, unaware. I retreated to the restroom where, with shaking fingers, I splashed my face with cold water. This had to be a dream, or a nightmare. Although I loved John, I was heading into the worst heartbreak of my life. There was something telling me, a voice deep inside my head, that my place wasn’t here. I had to go home to Seattle—with or without him.
Tomorrow when I woke up, I’d pack my things and go. John had another shift scheduled at work; he’d been getting more hours since graduation. I was going to walk away from the life I’d always dreamed of because it wasn’t happening in the city I was born in. Perhaps I’d be making the worst decision of my life. It could be a terrible mistake or it might be the beginning of a happier me. I had no clue.
Miles’s words were already tainting my decisions. I left the restroom and found myself facing him in the hallway.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” I whispered back.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he said tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear.
“You didn’t.” I pushed away.
“You’re leaving him, aren’t you?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“Look, I’m not trying to be an asshole.” He watched me in silence for a few seconds. “What are you going to do once you’re back in Seattle?”
It took me a few minutes to collect my thoughts into something coherent. “As soon as the cab drops me, I’ll go to Black Shakers, where I used to work, and beg my old boss to take me back. After that, I have to find a place to crash for a few days.”
“Can I give you my number? I don’t have any expectations or anything. I just want to make sure you’re okay, and safe. You can call or text me when you get a chance, or, you know, whenever you need a friend.”
Why does he care? I didn’t even know him. We’d talked for a couple of minutes, nothing more. “I don’t know if I should run for the hills or appreciate that you care. You don’t even know me.”
“I know. Look, my sister suffered a heartbreak, and you happen to look a lot like her. This is—”
I cut him off. “Fine. I’ll text or call, I promise. Just so you know, I don’t have suicidal tendencies.”
“Neither did she.” He frowned, and a sadness covered his face.
I handed him my phone so he could add his number, and in a fair exchange, I added my number to his.
“Thank you, Val… right?”
“It is. Nice meeting you, Miles.” We shook hands.
“Nice meeting you, too, Val.” He nodded toward the stage. “I have to get back. Try and enjoy yourself tonight, okay?”
I nodded and watched him go back on stage. He gave me a small smile before approaching the microphone again. It’d be nice to understand what just happened.
John was talking with his friends, and I was alone, drinking my second beer.
The rest of country night was uneventful, apart from the small smiles Miles kept shooting my way. Half-drunk, I helped John get in the cab. He smelled of beer and hard liquor, and to my surprise, he happened to be touchy and needy. Back at the apartment we made love one last time.
And then, I left.
VAL
Seattle. Home.
It was late when the cab pulled away from the Black Shakers parking lot. My hand clutched my suitcase, which was filled with everything I owned. The raw state of my emotions had me unsure how I’d react when I saw my friends again. Nobody knew about my decision to leave Boston, and John, yet. Of course, I hoped I’d done the right thing, but at this moment in time, who knew? Not me.
Sixteen hours earlier, I’d thrown my possessions in a bag, left an actual “Dear John” note on the nightstand for John to find when he woke, and then caught a cab to the airport. Our chat had proven we were at a crossroads, and that my needs didn’t line up with his. Yes, I still loved him, but without Nix, Bekka, and my family nearby, I felt lost.
Thinking of John brought tears to my eyes. I didn’t want to cry again, enough of that had been done on the plane. I dried my eyes with the sleeve of my hoodie then opened the door of the club and stepped in.
Lurking at the back, next to the door, I watched Nix, Bekka, and Tiff dancing and having the time of their lives. Tyler, Levi, and Kyle were perched around a nearby table, watching the girls with adoration clear on their faces.
What am I doing here? They’re all doing so well without me.
My current mood and issues would ruin their evening if I barged in. I couldn’t let them see me like this, so I turned around and walked out. It was almost midnight, and I had nowhere to go. There was a good chance my parents were in bed, and besides, I hadn’t talked to them in over a week. Should I try to talk to the girls? I wondered looking back over my shoulder at the bar. No, not tonight. My brother wasn’t in Seattle at the moment, so hitting him up wasn’t an option either.
Walking away, my suitcase getting heavier with every step, finding a place to spend the night was my main priority. After walking for about thirty minutes, a small motel appeared, and I checked in. Considering the place was cheap, I doubted the bed linens were clean so asked for a new set. This situation was unbelievable.
For what remained of the night, I tossed and turned. My phone kept vibrating. Although I tried to ignore it for as long as I could, in the end, I reached for it. Scrolling through the activity showed John had called me numerous times, and texted, too.
There was a text from Miles, as well. I’d forgotten about him to be honest. Curiosity got the better of me and I opened his message first.
How was your day?
I sighed and remembered he’d wanted me to give him an ‘all safe’ check-in. Looking around the shitty motel room, I had to laugh. This wouldn’t fit the definition of safe to most people, so, I lied.
I’m safe. I checked into a motel.
Reading John’s texts wasn’t going to help me sleep, but I read the first two anyway, which confirmed he was freaking out.
Where are you? I’ve been looking for you everywhere.
A letter? You left me with a letter?
I’m in Seattle. It’s late. I’ll call you tomorrow.
With my brief reply, I turned off my phone and tried to get some sleep.
My legs were tangled in a mess of sheets. I had no idea what time it was, but had a hunch it was late morning. Feeling tired, I got up and drank a glass of water. Never in my life had my head and shoulders felt so heavy. The weight of all my recent decisions were putting pressure on them. A throbbing headache made me wish I’d stayed in bed. While searching through my luggage for my bottle of pain relief tablets, a dizzy spell blended with my headache. Today’s goals would be needing to take care of everything, including explaining my return to my loved ones. Easy, right?
After taking my pills, I returned to bed, where I planned to stay until they kicked in. After a slight hesitation, and against my better judgement, I turned my phone back on. I wasn’t sure if I were brave enough to see if there were new messages. The phone starting pinging; turned out I had a lot of messages. Oh, Joy. With a deep breath, I started reading the first one, which was from Nix.
John called and told me everything. Where are you? I’ll pick you up.
Bekka had to get her say in next.
What happened to you? Did you meet someone else? Where are you hiding?
I scrolled to the next message, another one from John.
I’ve been calling everyone searching for you. Sweet pea, it can’t be over.
The last one was from Miles, and it made me smile.
A motel? Don’t you have family there? I’m not sure I like the sound of that.
I sighed then dialed Nix’s number.
“Valerie, where the heck are you?”
“I’m in a cheap, rundown motel over on 5th Avenue. Can you pick me up? I need a shower and I don’t trust
this place.”
Fifteen minutes after I’d given her the name of the hotel, she was picking me up with Levi in tow. When Nix went to jump in my arms, Levi noticed the fresh ink on my arm and told her to be careful.
“I don’t understand, why didn’t you call us?”
“I went by the club last night, but when I saw you and Bekka, it hurt. It hurt to see you all so happy when my life is so fucked up. You don’t have to remind me, I know I inflicted this on myself. John didn’t want to move back here. I couldn’t see myself staying in Boston. My heart has always been here, never there.”
“Do you still love him?” Nix asked.
I nodded. “But it’s not enough. Things had been different lately, with all the stress of finals and graduation, and it became clear we weren’t on the same path. Anyway, my life was always meant to be spent here, you know?”
“Well, I’m happy you’re back. You can come stay with us while you figure things out,” Nix offered.
While she hugged me tight, a few tears escaped the corners of my eyes. Gosh, I’d missed her.
We piled into the car and Levi drove us to their home. I’d seen plenty of pictures of the new house, but now I was going to see it for real. As we drove, outside the window passed all the places, the streets and buildings, everything in this city I’d missed so much. Nothing felt better than this.
Once inside the house, Nix gave me a quick tour and then left me to shower. It took all of fifteen minutes because I was desperate to get back to my friends so we could talk.
“There’s an apartment for rent on the second floor of the shop. You could talk to Kyle about it, if you’re interested,” Levi suggested when I rejoined them.
Before leaving for Boston, I’d was just getting to know Levi, so his offer was touching. Nix had told me a lot about him, and I’d spent some time with him at the wedding, but he didn’t have to do this for me. He didn’t have to do anything. None of them did.
“Thanks, Levi, that’s much appreciated. I’ll need to find a job first, though,” I said through more tears. Too many emotions rushed me, and I lost it. Man, it’d be nice to not ride this emotional rollercoaster any longer.
“I’ll talk to Tyler. I’m pretty sure he’ll be willing to give back your old job at the club, or maybe we could use some help at the shop.”
Working with Bekka and Nix again would be great, I couldn’t deny that. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Life had given me the best friends in the world. “Seriously, I don’t deserve any of this. The way I ran out on everything without thinking, things shouldn’t be going so easy for me.” I was punishing myself for what I’d done to John. Of course, I’d always known my friends would be there to protect me, and help me. Which was what they were doing now.
“Always here to help. You know Nix is worried about you. Obviously she’s happy to have you back, but—”
“But nothing. I’m super happy you’re back. Okay, maybe a little worried. Anyway, forget that for now, you hungry?” Nix asked.
I nodded. Considering I’d not eaten since noon yesterday, hungry didn’t begin to cover it. I was starving. My body and mind had been through too much to remember menial things, like eating. I’d survived in a numb bubble the last couple of days. As soon as I saw Nix, it popped, and I knew I was no longer alone. My best friend would be there for me, to listen and talk, and support me however I needed it.
“Just… don’t leave us again, okay?” She chuckled. “That’s an order. C’mon, let’s eat.”
“I won’t. I have no intentions of ever leaving again. This is my home. Should I call Bekka?”
“No need, she’s on her way. Tyler, too.” Levi had contacted them already, I supposed.
My mind struggled between happiness and sadness, John being the major part of my sadness. The way I’d left sucked. I should’ve done it differently, but I’d known he would’ve tried to keep me with him, and I didn’t want to cause more pain. Later today a call would be obligatory, however.
Nix gathered flour, eggs, vanilla, and milk. While she mixed up the batter, my mouth watered. I couldn’t wait to eat her pancakes.
“What can I do to help?”
“There’s some strawberries in the fridge, if you’d clean and slice them, that’d be great.”
The way her eyes followed me around the kitchen, I wondered if she was still worried about me.
“I still can’t believe you’re here… you’re back.”
“I can’t believe you got a house. It’s beautiful. You’re like, all grown up.” The statement made us both chuckle. “I’m so happy to be back, Nix. Wish the circumstances were different, though.” Sighing, I tried not to think about the reasons for my sudden return.
“Give yourself a chance. Talk to John, and tell him your reasons.”
With a nod I continued cleaning the strawberries until Bekka burst into the kitchen a few minutes later.
“Valerie, you crazy girl. I was so worried about you. Come here.” She ran to me and wrapped her arms around me so tight I almost couldn’t breathe.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call you back. I had so many things to think about.” I felt bad over my behavior toward Bekka.
“Don’t worry about it. You have a lot on your mind. As selfish as this may sound, I’m just happy to have you back home.”
Levi and Tyler had a quick talk in the back followed by a man hug. “Thanks, Brother.”
“Hey, Val!” Tyler came over to join Bekka and me. “Glad to see you here. Bekka was worried.” He hugged me.
“Sorry—” I wanted to say more but he squeezed me tighter than Bekka had, cutting me off, and she started giggling. Having my friends around again was the best feeling in the world.
“Starting tomorrow night, if you still want your old job, it’s yours.”
While I’d hoped he would say that, I’d never expected to get it back that without difficulty. “Are you serious?”
“Absolutely.”
“Oh, my god, that’s so great. I’d love to have it back. Thank you so much. I’ll have to start over, though. And I don’t expect things to be easy. No favors.”
“I’ll call Kyle about the apartment.” Levi grabbed his phone and had Kyle on the line within seconds.
Wait a minute, what is going on here?
I hadn’t done anything to deserve the easy way, to have everything handed to me without any struggle. When I’d decided to return, I’d expected to move back into my family home, or live in a guest room for a while. Could I have an apartment and a job on my second day back in Seattle? Maybe, but this didn’t feel right. I’d left Boston like a thief in the night, without leaving a trace. John woke up to a letter, a brief explanation he could do nothing about. For some reason, all my friends trying to help me made me feel even more selfish and cheap than when I’d woken up in the dingy motel. I tried tossing my thoughts to the side, but was disgusted with myself.
“He says it’s yours if you want it. You can meet him at the shop anytime today to check it out first.”
Levi had handed me the moon, and he didn’t even realize it.
“I’m not too fussy, so I’m sure it’ll be fine. Again, thank you all so much. You’ve no idea how much less stressful you’ve made this situation for me.” A ton less stressful is what I’d meant. It felt like I could breathe again. Even though John remained on my mind, knowing I’d have a roof over my head helped settle my nerves.
Nix fixed an excellent breakfast, and I ate until I wanted to undo my pants. We sat around the table, all the old team back together again, and it gave me hope while making my heart smile. Right now, my emotions were all over the place. Maybe, someday, I would find happiness again.
MILES
Her blonde hair was pulled back in a messy bun as I watched the sadness rolling down her cheeks. She was leaving him, I could tell. Poor guy looked lost, yet still so in love. I couldn’t be happier not to be in his shoes. My mind kept urging me to say something to the girl, to watch for the signs, or to hug he
r, but the blonde beauty avoided me at all costs.
My eyes couldn’t leave her even when I tried to draw them away. She would feel it at some point and find me creepy. Although I tried looking elsewhere, it didn’t last. The tattoos covering her skin had me wondering about her. She wasn’t the typical girl next door, not at all. Instead, she seemed the typical inked bad girl.
“What are you looking at?”
Her tone made it clear she not only thought I was creepy, but she didn’t appreciate my intrusion. The look on her face said it all, and for a moment, she left me flustered and wordless. My intention had not been to hurt or irritate her. I was concerned, that’s all.
“It doesn’t look like you’re doing well. Are you okay?” Damn, I could have done better than that.
“Why do you care?” she snapped at me.
Why? Because you remind me too much of my sister, and I won’t pretend your pain is meaningless.
“If he doesn’t look after you, someone else has to.” She looked at me as if I’d grown a third eye on my forehead. Maybe I’d shown too much intensity. Relax, Miles. “So, I’m going to ask you a second time, are you okay?”
“We’re breaking up.” Her bottom lip trembled as she lost the crumbling control over her tears. I hated seeing her like this. Yes, she was a perfect stranger, but everything about her hit home.
“It doesn’t look like either of you want to.” The guy I’d seen her with loved her. I was sure of it.
“We don’t, but we don’t want the same things, either. I’ll be leaving tomorrow.” The last word came out of her mouth as a whisper; her voice was breaking.
“Oh? Where to?” Yeah, I was curious.
“Seattle,” she murmured, which drew a small smile from my lips. I knew Seattle well; I’d been there in the past.
With a look of disgust, she stepped away from me. “You think it’s funny?”
“I’m sorry. It’s not. I’m heading west, too. I’m not a fan of the East Coast.” I figured she deserved the truth.
“At least now I know it’s not just me.” Her words were laced with so much bitterness I couldn’t help but wonder what her story was.