by Naomi Niles
“Harrison, come on. We all make mistakes, but–”
“You don’t make a 20-year mistake. That is unheard of! I don’t know what you want or why you came here, but honestly, you’ve just wasted your time. Don’t come back here, and if it even crosses your mind, I want you to smack yourself back to reality. I want nothing to do with you. Get the fuck off my porch.”
I closed the door in her face and watched her through the window. She stood still for a few seconds, then wiped her eyes as if she was brushing tears. She made as if she was going to ring the doorbell again, but thought twice about it before she turned to walk away. All the feelings I had when she left had rushed back into my heart. The abandonment. The loneliness. The way I felt that all of my walls had crashed in on me. It was one of the reasons that I was afraid to commit, and if I was honest with myself, I would understand that it was the primary reason. I didn’t want to settle down because I always felt like the woman would up and leave at the drop of a dime and leave me hopeless again.
I didn’t want to experience that, but with Caroline, I didn’t get those vibes. With her, I felt that I was secure. After I ran my errands, I then headed to work. It was almost 12 pm when I showed up. As soon as I parked, I noticed that the lawn was unkempt. The edges of the bushes were much frizzier than usual, and at that point, I knew the guys that usually tended to our lawn didn’t show up.
I stood in my office, gathering my things on the way out. “Boss,” Brian said, walking in, “we got another big close tomorrow! Are you down to come with me? It is the Berman account. Just when I thought we couldn’t do any better, we do better.” A wide smile was plastered on his face as grabbed a drink out of the fridge.
“Tomorrow? I don’t know if I can make it. I am going to ASU’s graduation tomorrow. You know they are going to say Sarah’s name.”
“Right, right. Wow. Sorry, boss, I completely forgot about that. I can reschedule the meeting if you want me to come with you.”
“No,” I said, grabbing my briefcase. “No, you go ahead and handle that. I’ll be fine.”
“You sure?”
I extended my fist to him for a pound. “I am positive. Close that, man. You don’t need my help. You were born for this stuff.”
He knocked his fist into mine, then I headed home. Sarah’s room was still intact. I wasn’t ready to move anything. Her clothing still hung in the closet. Her bed was made up without a crevice on it anywhere. Her pictures were dusted, and all of her athletic trophies and honor roll papers from high school were still positioned on the dresser and hanging proudly on the walls.
I walked around the room, inhaling deeply before I released the air from my lungs. It had been over a month since we had one of our morning talks. I kept all of her voicemails saved on my phone, and whenever I wanted to hear her voice again, I grabbed my phone and flipped through my inbox until I landed on her name. I put the phone on speaker, then sat it on her desk.
“Hey, Dad! I know you aren’t doing anything but sleeping on the couch because it is 9 pm and that is what old farts do! Anyways, Daddy, I need $400 for a course, and I am short. Can you please send me the money?! Like, yesterday?! Oh, and an extra $200 just for being the most awesomest daughter in the world?! Please?! Oh, and another thing, Caroline has a crush on you. I threaten her every time she mentions it. She thinks you’re hot, but she is clearly delusional.”
I laughed a little bit as she continued. “I mean, if she were older, I think I wouldn’t mind you two hooking up because she seems like an old fart just like you. Ugh, she never likes to do anything anymore except study! Anyways, I love you and I’ll ummm….. I guess I will talk to you tomorrow morning. Um, don’t forget. Send your sweet, nearly magna cum laude daughter $600 and I love you!”
The call ended, and for the first time, I found myself kneeled in her room as tears streamed down my eyes like two broken cisterns full of water. I missed her. I missed her more than ever.
Chapter Eight
Caroline
I grabbed my graduation cap and stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom. I fought back the tears all day, and lost the battle as my reddened eyes shone brightly like a star in the midst of a dark sky. For years, I imagined this day would be full of excitement as I turned a new chapter in my life, but now, it was full of remorse and broken hearts because my best friend wasn’t crossing the stage with me. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, Sarah. We were supposed to be doing this together!
I balled my hand into a fist and slammed it onto the counter as I stood in the bathroom. The booming sound it made echoed in the small room just as Meghan opened the door. We had been friends since my sophomore year in college, and we were good friends, but she couldn’t take the place of Sarah. As soon as she stepped into the bathroom, she locked the door and wrapped her arms around me.
I embraced her and cried on her shoulder. “Why, Meghan? Why did she have to leave? We were so close to the end. We were so close, and now, she is gone.”
“I know, Caroline, I know. She is still here, though, just not physically. She is looking down on you and me right now, wanting us to cross this stage. She is in a better place, and she just wants us to complete what we came here to do. We are not walking across the stage for ourselves anymore; we are walking for Sarah.”
Just then, there was a knock on the bathroom door. “Open up, I have to piss!”
“Wait a minute!” Meghan snapped, “we will be out in a second!”
“I have to piss now!”
“I don’t give a fuck what you have to do! I said wait, goddamn it!” One sole pound banged against the door, and moments later, sheer silence. “People are so impatient. So what, I locked a public bathroom. Once I knew you were in here, I knew that we would need some time alone without any interruptions.”
I laughed, then brought tissue to my eyes to clear the tears. She stopped me before I could reach. “Hold on. Don’t drag the tissue, dab it. Otherwise, you’ll smear your makeup.”
“I’m sure my tears have already smeared it.”
“No,” she said, analyzing my face. “No, it’s not bad at all. You must have some good makeup.” She took tissue from my hand and dabbed the area beneath my eyes. “There you go. Good as new. Here,” she handed me a fresh handful of tissue, “take that and dab whenever you need it, OK? Listen, I know this is hard for you. It’s hard for me, too, but I know it is especially hard for you. I’ll be with you every step of the way, alright?”
“Thank you, Meghan. That really means a lot to me.”
“No problem, sweetie. Now, whenever you are ready, we can go on out. We still have a few minutes before we have to be in line, so take as much of that time as you need.”
“No,” I said after a deep exhale. “Let’s just go. I’m ready.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.”
As we exited the bathroom, Johnathan sent me a text message. He said how happy he was that I made it to graduation. We had gotten a little closer in the past month, but I still wasn’t ready to commit. I could tell he was growing impatient, but a new relationship was the last thing I was focused on. Meghan said I should just cut him loose because he won’t get the hint any other way, but I wasn’t ready. Not just yet, anyway.
I responded to him, then slid my phone back into my bra and got in line with the rest of the students. The dean organized a special memorial for Sarah before the graduation ceremony began, and I knew that I would be a complete wreck at that moment. A few minutes later, the line started to move, and before long, we walked into an auditorium full of people. I thought about my father and how happy he would have been to see me walk across the stage.
My mother passed away when I was 18, and I didn’t have much family outside of an uncle and auntie who were both without children. Caroline filled the gaps in my life in more ways than one, and now, she was gone, and I still had a hard time accepting that fact. After we all marched into the room and took our seats, the master of ceremonies welcomed everyon
e in the audience, and then he went right into Sarah’s memorial.
They showed a few pictures of her in her younger days. I was in a few of the snapshots, and it sent me down memory lane as the slide show continued on for about 30 seconds. Afterward, they called her father up to accept her diploma on her behalf. Everyone stood to their feet, applauding him as he walked across the stage and shook the dean's hand. I’m sure half of the women in the auditorium were clapping because of how handsome he was.
I told Sarah that I had a crush on him when we were younger, and she would always threaten me by saying she was going to tell him. I didn’t think she was bluffing, and a part of me wanted her to mention it to him just to see what he would say. He was nearly twice my age, though, and the thought of anything developing between us was so far out of my imagination that I couldn’t picture it. He smiled as he shook the dean’s hand, then made his way off the stage.
I was surprised that I made it through the small memorial without shedding a tear, and when it was over, the service moved forward swiftly. As they motioned for our section to stand and line up to walk across the stage, my heart thumped inside of my chest. I saw other student waving to their family members as they stood in line, but all I could do was smile and look ahead. I knew that there were only a few people there for me. I saw Johnathan as he sat next to Bradley towards the middle of the room.
I smiled and waved at him as our line moved forward. The dean called out names as thunderous applause filled the room like the sound of rushing wind. I dreaded hearing my name called because I knew that there would be hardly any claps for me. I invited my aunt and uncle, but they were up in age, and I knew it would be a stretch for them to make it out. Most of my friends were in my graduating class, and the handful of people that were there for me would most likely get drowned out by the other noise in the room.
I handed the small piece of paper to one of the professors so he could walk it over to the dean as I stood near the edge of the stage. “Caroline Dalton,” he said, and as I stepped onto the stage, the thunderous claps decreased by decibels. The smile on my face hid any sign of disappointment as I shook the dean’s hand and grabbed the diploma with my other. His smile brandished yellow, coffee-stained teeth, and a scar’s blemish just to the right of his chin. His gray mustache danced on the edge of his thin lips, and his handshake was flimsy, as if he didn’t possess the strength to squeeze tight.
I took the diploma cover and headed to the side of the stage where the photographer stood, snapping pictures of all the students as they walked away from the front. Not even seconds later, the dean announced another name and the thunderous claps resumed as if I was just a hiccup in the grand scheme of things. This day was nothing like I expected, and I was better off staying home and waiting for my real diploma to come in the mail. Everything was a waste of time as far as I could see.
After the ceremony, a few of my friends ran towards me and threw their arms around me. “We made it!” they said, completely neglecting the fact that “we” didn’t all make it. Sarah was still in my heart, and because she wasn’t here, there was no way that “we” could have made it. I made it, but she didn’t, and to me, that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair at all. I took pictures with them, forcing a smile on my face that I felt should’ve never been there to begin with. I just wanted this day to be over.
After I’d had enough of the cameras flashing in my eyes, I left the commotion and parted my way through the crowds of people until I got into the hallway. I removed my hat and tucked it underneath my arm as I headed for an exit. “Caroline?” I turned around when I heard my name called. Harrison stood next to the wall with a smile on his face and Sarah’s things in his hand. I walked closer to him, smiling ear to ear. “Mr. Zimmer!”
“Hey,” he said, correcting me right away. “I said you didn’t have to call me that.”
“Right, right. I’m sorry, ‘Harrison.’”
He wrapped his arms around me. “Congratulations! How does it feel now that you have your diploma?”
I released him. “Well,” I said, opening the booklet, “it is not actually a diploma yet. They give you this thing first and then mail you your diploma a few weeks later. A lot of people walk across the stage, but they don’t actually graduate.”
“Wow,” he said, looking at the booklet. “You know what, I didn’t realize this was just a sheet of paper until now.” He closed it. “I guess you can tell that I’ve never been to college.”
“College is not needed. I mean, you seem to be doing very well for yourself now. Successful... handsome.” Did I really just say that out loud? “I mean, I’m sorry. Not to say that you aren’t handsome, but I didn’t mean to um… I ummm.”
He laughed. “It’s quite alright, Caroline. It’s not like you just cursed me out. You gave me a compliment. No harm, no foul.” I looked away from him, not knowing where to take the conversation. I was thankful when he picked it up again. “So, what was your major in again?”
“Accounting.”
“Really?” He narrowed his eyes towards me. “How about we go to dinner sometime? I happen to have a position that you might be interested in. Now, it might not be permanent, but it will be a little something to possibly get you a little experience before you go off to make the big bucks.”
“Oh, sure. Sure thing. Um, you still have my number, right?”
“Absolutely.”
“Great! Yeah, go ahead and call me. With school being out, I won’t have much to do anyway, so I am pretty free from here on out. Just let me know when.”
“Sure thing.” He extended his arms for another hug, and I obliged. “I am proud of you, Caroline. I was able to see the caterpillar turn into a beautiful butterfly and you are definitely a rara avis.”
“Rara what?”
“Go ahead and look it up. I may not have a degree, but I know a few words.” He released me and held a smile on his face as I fixated on him. “But, I will call you soon, alright? You enjoy the rest of your day and be safe. Please.”
“I will Mr… um, I will, Harrison.”
He winked at me, and with that, I watched him walk down the hallway until he disappeared through the doors. I didn’t know what was happening, but to the naked eye, it looked as if he just asked me on a date. I laughed to myself. Sarah would kill me if she was still here. When I spun around, I saw Johnathan standing with a bouquet of roses in his hand. They slowly dropped to his side as he stood near the entrance of the auditorium. I had to tell him the truth about my feelings for him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Chapter Nine
Harrison
I sat in the study at my house doing research on an oil company that was looking for a brand new building to go up in the heart of downtown. Brian had been doing an excellent job bringing in new contracts, and since I made him the project manager, the business’s profitability had increased by leaps and bounds. He was a killer when it came to closing deals, and every time there was a meeting, I trusted him to close it. Laymar Oil was a new company who had just settled into Cottonwood a year ago, and they were looking to expand their company.
Sarah’s picture sat on top of my desk as I searched the internet for information about the company. I ran my finger along the edge of her frame, then pulled out my cell phone to listen to another one of her voicemails.
“Hey Dad, just calling to say… hey, Dad… oh, and um, I know you are probably thinking that I am calling just to ask for money, but this time, I am just calling to tell you that I love you. So, that’s it. I love you, Dad, and thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I’ll call you later. Muah!”
Right when the voicemail ended, another call came through. The number wasn’t saved in my phone, so I wasn’t sure who it belonged to. “Hello?”
“Hi. Is this Harrison?”
“Yes.”
“Hi, Harrison; this is Caroline.”
I smiled. “Oh, Caroline. Hey. I had your name saved under a different number.”
�
��Yeah, I had to get a new phone a few days ago. I dropped mine in some water, and I couldn’t save it, so I just decided to get a new phone. I was due for an upgrade anyway.”
“I see. Well, how are you doing?”
“I am good. I was just calling to see if you still wanted to go out to dinner to talk about the opportunity you had for me. I think it was a temporary job or something.”
I leaned back in my chair and put my foot on the desk. “Oh, yes, that. Right. Well, if you have the time, we can get together this weekend. If you can’t though, just give me a time–”
“No, this weekend is fine. I am literally not doing anything around here. I just moved into an apartment not too far from Cottonwood. It is pretty much in the same area I grew up.”
“Oh, alright. Yeah, that’s not far at all from me. Do you want me to come to your place?”
“Either way, it doesn’t matter.”
“OK. I’ll come and grab you, then we will go from there. What do you want to eat? Chinese? Italian? Indian?”
“Umm, I’ll leave it up to you. I am not picky, and I will pretty much eat whatever is in front of me. Wait, did that make me sound like a pig?” She chuckled. “Because I’m not, I was just saying that I’m not picky. I think I am rambling now. I am so sorry.”
I laughed. “Caroline, it’s fine. Trust me. But I’ll pick you up Friday evening? Say, 8 pm?”
“OK. That is fine. I’ll be ready by then.”
“Alright, sounds good. See you then.”
“Bye, Harrison.”
“Goodbye, Caroline.”
I hung up the phone and slid it onto my desk. It stopped just in front of Sarah’s picture. I shook my head and leaned forward in my seat until my feet were flat on the floor. “Now, Sarah, I know what you are thinking, and that is not the case. Yes, she is pretty, but I am just looking out for her. She needs a job, and I know you would want me to help your friend.”