by Naomi Niles
I landed on one that she left seven months ago. “Hey, diggity, diggity, Daaaaddy! What in God’s name are you doing?! I just called you one minute ago, right when you told me to call you back, but you are not answering! I hate when you do that… and then you have the nerve to get mad at me when I don’t answer. Anyways… I told Caroline that I wouldn’t tell you this, but that girl thinks you are a hunk. Every time I get on the phone with you, she is begging me to FaceTime so she can see you. She is sooooo annoying, but she’s a good girl, though, and maybe in another lifetime, I could actually see you two together. I know, it’s weird, huh? Anyways. Call me back because I know you aren’t doing anything except running a six-figure business.”
She giggled. Her laughter was like a sweet fragrance from roses on a spring morning. I fought back the tears as she continued, “I love you, Dad, and if I don’t answer, it is because I am in class. We both know that you are getting old and you’ll be senile any moment and you’re going to need somebody to run your business, you know? Since you will barely be able to remember your own name.” She laughed again. “Love you. Bye.”
I waited until the phone clicked before I hung up. I listened to her voicemails at least a few times a week. It felt like those messages were the only thing that I had to keep her presence around me. I folded the newspaper closed, grabbed my coffee, and made my way to her room. As soon as the door opened, a calm peacefulness rested in the air. Everything in her room was exactly how she’d left it. I told myself a thousand times that I was going to clean it out and give away her clothing, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As time passed, I started to realize that her room was more than just a room to me. It was a memorial. It was her gravesite right here in my home.
I walked to the pictures that were scattered in frames along the surface of her dresser. The majority of the photos were taken with Caroline. I leaned forward to get a better look at them. The first picture showed the two of them with their arms around each other. They looked to be in third grade at the time. Both had snaggle-toothed smiles and long hair. I smiled thinking of the time she told me that her front tooth was coming out. When I put a dollar under her pillow, she woke up the next morning pouting because it wasn’t enough. “Caroline got 10 bucks for her tooth, and I only get a dollar! The tooth fairy is cheap here!”
I ended up sliding a $20 bill under her pillow that same night with a note that read, “Sorry, Sarah, the tooth fairy made a mistake. Please forgive me.” That was one thing I loved about her the most: she wasn’t afraid to speak her mind at any time. The picture right beside that showed the two of them in high school. They were growing into beautiful young women. They dressed just alike, and for the most part, I could hardly tell the two of them apart. My Sarah had gotten Caroline into trouble more times than not, and I hated that my sweetheart was the one to stir up trouble, but she couldn’t help it. She had so many traits that were similar to her mother, and at times, all I could do was shake my head.
Caroline did a lot to settle her down, though, and I believe that if it wasn’t for her friendship, Sarah might have done something far worse than the normal, reckless adolescent behavior. On the furthest to the right, a picture of the two of them during their college days. They were mature. Makeup covering their faces and eyebrows freshly arched. I grabbed the picture and held it in my hand. I couldn’t do a thing but shake my head at the fact that I would never see Sarah face-to-face again. I switched my attention from her to Caroline. She had a crescent smile. Her hand was on her hip like a teapot handle. In my brokenness, I found comfort in her gaze. Something told me that she understood what I was going through and she would be there to help me through it. I couldn’t explain the connection I felt with her at that moment, and I didn’t want to. Sometimes, things just felt perfect, but in the back of my mind, I couldn’t shake the idea that what I felt was wrong. This is my daughter’s best friend, and that was a line that I wouldn’t cross if she was alive, but now that she was gone, I felt solace in Caroline’s eyes. I exhaled, then placed the picture back on her dresser and walked out of the room. I had a long day ahead of me.
As soon as I got to work, Brian was in my office, dropping off a small stack of papers. I tossed my jacket onto the rack. “Boss, how are you feeling today?” The sun beamed through the large window in my office as I headed towards the desk.
“I’m as good as I can be, I guess.”
“Yeah, I understand. Honestly, I didn’t expect you to be in today. I dropped these papers off with the expectation that I wouldn’t see you for a few more days since I am heading to California for that meeting.”
“Yeah,” I took a seat at my desk and scanned over the papers. “But you know me. It’s best for me to come into the office and stay busy rather than sit somewhere and allow my emotions to get the best of me.”
He sat down in a chair right in front of my desk. “Yeah, I hear ya, I hear ya.'” Silence sat between us like cigarette smoke before Brian spoke up again. “So, yeah, that California meeting. I am looking forward to that, boss.” He reclined in his chair and propped his leg over the other. “I always say, ‘if we get this one account, we will be set’ and then we get that account, only for me to say the same thing a month later.” He laughed. “I guess this is what things look like when business is booming.”
I flipped through the papers, barely paying attention to anything he said. In my mind, images of Sarah and Caroline floated around like bittersweet memories. Sarah was gone, but it felt that there was a magnetic pull drawing me closer to Caroline. I couldn’t shake the idea of her comforting me out of my mind. “Boss?” Brian said, snapping the images out of my mind in a flash. “Did you hear me?”
I put the papers down and glanced at him. The beam of sunlight shot to his left like a spotlight. “I’m sorry, Brian, I think I’ve got too many things on my mind right now. You were talking about Caroline, right?”
He smiled. “Close. California. Caroline is the new accountant you hired.” He put his feet flat on the ground and rested his elbows on his knees. His gaze was fixed directly upon me. “Boss, now, you know I see a lot. I am very vigilant at times, and honestly, I’ve seen the way you looked at Caroline.”
My eyebrows furrowed. “What? Don’t be ridiculous, Brian.”
“Come on, man,” he said, laughing. “You can be honest with me. The woman is smoking, and that is clear. Nice body, cute face… I mean, she looks like the type that would catch your attention on any given day. Now, I know that Sarah just–”
“Brian. That is enough.”
“Boss, I was just–”
“Brian…”
“–saying that you should be careful because you could find yourself–”
I slammed my fist into the desk. The vibration rattled the plastic shelves on the surface and caused my pendulum to shake. “I said, that is enough. I do not want you speaking about Sarah or Caroline. I know what it looks like, but before you go and start making assumptions, you should probably get a better hold on the truth. Caroline is just… she is just a friend, and that is it. And, as a friend of my daughter’s, I am helping her out in her career. That’s it.”
His eyebrows raised in the middle of his forehead. His head shifted to the right as if he was examining the dust particles that drifted around in the sunlight. “Alright, boss,” he said without making eye contact. He stood up, gathered his things, and headed for the door just as my phone rang. I massaged my temples as he closed the door behind him. I hated myself for snapping at him like that. I wanted to apologize before he left, but I couldn’t find the words. I would have to do it later. “Hello?”
“Harrison? Hi. I was just calling to remind you about tomorrow.”
Her voice lured me out of my moment of despair. “Yes,” I said, smiling. “Tomorrow. Of course. How could I forget?”
“Right. Well, I was just making sure that we were still on. I am kind of looking forward to it.”
“Yes, so am I. So… Will I see you tomorrow? Around 7-ish?”
“Sounds good. See you then.”
“OK.”
She hung up the phone as I thought about Brian’s words. He was right. Maybe I was using her to somehow help cope with the death of my daughter. He didn’t say it, but I knew that is where he was going, and I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted things to keep going the way they were going, because for right now, Caroline was the only person in the world who could help me cope with such a devastating loss, and I didn’t want to disrupt our connection, whether it was right or wrong.
Chapter Twelve
Caroline
As soon as I hung up the phone, there was a knock at my door. It was still late morning, so I had no idea who could be out to visit this early. Johnathan stood on the other side with a bouquet of roses in his hand. I sighed, debating whether or not I should open the door for him. He was wasting his time with me, but I just didn’t have the heart to tell him. He was a good guy. Sweet. Patient. Friendly. Everything I would want in a best friend, but not a lover. I started to creep away from the door until my phone rang. Damn it, I said to myself. Now he knew I was nearby because there was no way I would go anywhere without my phone.
I forced a smile onto my face and opened the door. “Hey, Johnathan. Those are for me?”
“Of course, but as always, they pale in comparison to someone as beautiful as you.”
I grabbed hold of them and inhaled the rosy fragrance. I concealed tears as I thought about the last time I had smelled a rose, moments before I dropped it on Sarah’s casket. I immediately placed the flowers down on a table near the front door as Johnathan stood on the other side, waiting for me to invite him in. I didn’t want to, but common courtesy got the best of me. “Do you want to come in?”
He smiled. “Sure.” As he walked by me, I shook my head, praying that he wouldn’t stay long.
“So, what brings you by?”
“Well,” he said, taking a seat on the couch. “I just wanted to check on you, you know? See how things were. I know that I call, but sometimes, you just need to see someone face-to-face to get a better idea of how they really feel. A lot can be concealed through a phone call.”
I remained standing, hoping that he would get the idea that I wasn’t expecting him to stay long. “Yeah, that is true. But, Johnathan, I would have preferred if you called me first, you know? I mean, it is kind of early, and I was still asleep,” I pointed to the covers on the couch, “as you can see.”
He looked at the covers. “Oh, I am sorry. I didn’t think you would be sleeping this late.”
“Yeah. I think I may be starting a new job pretty soon, so I wanted to sleep in as much as I could before the real world set in.”
“A new job? Nice! Where at?”
I folded my arms over my chest and leaned against the wall. “With Sarah’s dad. Harrison Construction, I believe. Don’t quote me though, because I don’t remember offhand.”
He laughed. “You don’t remember the name of your employer?”
“Not really. I just know it as Sarah’s dad’s company.”
“I see.” He twiddled his thumbs. “I thought you were moving to California.”
“I am. But, you know… after everything had happened with Sarah, I had to adjust some things. She was going to be my roommate, and California is expensive, so I can’t go out there on my own. Not just yet, anyway. So, I figured I’d stay here and save up a little money, then head out there.”
“Good plan.” I smiled and tapped my fingers on my arm. I didn’t want to say anything else, because he may get the idea that I wanted to prolong the conversation. Just then, my phone rang again. He looked at it. “Do you want to answer?” he said. “I can toss it to you.”
“Who is it?”
“Harrison.”
“Oh, no. I’ll call him back later. He probably just wants to discuss something else about the business.” I knew that Johnathan didn’t know about my attraction to Harrison and I wanted to keep it that way. The last thing I needed was for him to find out, because from there, I’m sure my business would be all over ASU and everywhere else. He wasn’t one who could keep a secret. After the phone had stopped ringing, a text message came through. Johnathan looked at the face of my phone, and from there, his countenance fell. “What is it?” I asked, nervously.
He stood up. “Um, none of my business. I’m going to head out, though.”
I stood upright from the wall as he approached the door. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he said with a broken smile. “Nothing. You just have a nice day, and I hope you feel better.”
He walked out of my apartment and closed the door behind him. I scratched my head and walked to the couch to grab my phone. Harrison left a text message stating how excited he was about our dinner date tomorrow. I tossed the phone onto the couch. Great, I said as I looked towards the door. Just great. I crawled under the covers and thought about the backlash of what could happen if Johnathan opened his mouth. Before I knew it, I was fast asleep.
I woke up to an obnoxious ring on my cell phone. I swiped at it a few times before I was finally able to pick it up in my hands. “Hello?” My voice was thick and groggy like morning fog.
“Caroline? Oh my God, girl, are you still asleep? It is almost 2 pm!”
“Two pm? I woke up early this morning and went back to sleep.”
“Well, get up and hop in the shower because I know you need it, and then get dressed so we can go to dinner.”
“Dinner? Meghan, I don’t have money for dinner.”
“I didn’t ask you if you had money, I said get up and get ready. I am moving to Seattle in a week, and I came to Cottonwood to see my family before I left and I include you in that group, so get your shit together so we can go!”
“Fiiiine,” I said, kicking the covers onto the floor. “What time are you going to be here?”
“I’ll be there around 8 pm. I have to run some errands with my auntie, but I’ll be free after that.”
“OK.”
I hung up the phone and got in the shower. I was surprised that I didn’t hear anything from Johnathan, or that some random person from ASU didn’t call me to ask about my relationship with Harrison. I wasn’t prepared to answer those questions, let alone explain why I was going on a dinner date with him tomorrow. Even though it was strictly business in my mind, it wasn’t going to stop anyone from jumping to conclusions. As the water cascaded down my body, I thought about Harrison. The warmth of the shower was replaced with the warmth of his touch, and before long, I was fantasizing about things that I knew would never happen between us.
I laughed when I heard Sarah’s voice in my head telling me how nasty and inappropriate I was. “Oh, shut up, Sarah. A girl can dream, can’t she?” I spoke to her out loud as if she was in the room with me. It was one of the ways I coped with her death. I felt like she was always around, and because of that, I spoke to her like I would any other time. I didn’t have a hard time hearing her voice respond in a way that I knew she would have. We were best friends for our whole lives, so I knew her inside and out. As I thought about her, tears mingled with the water inside the shower. No matter how strong my imagination was, Sarah was gone, and there was nothing I could do to bring her back. Harrison felt like the only tangible connection I had to her, and in him, I found comfort. Even though I knew he wasn’t interested in me, or even looked at me in the same light that I viewed him, just the fact that we were around each other made things easier for me.
After I had gotten out of the shower, I got myself ready to go, and before long, the clock dipped past 8 o’clock. Almost 15 minutes later, Meghan called my phone to let me know that she was outside. We went to a seafood restaurant 20 minutes away from my apartment in downtown Cottonwood. I laughed as soon as we got there because of the memory I had with Sarah. “It happened right there,” I said, pointing to a collection of bushes near the front door. “Sarah threw up her soul right there. It was soooo disgusting. The vomit covered the bushes like Ch
ristmas decorations, and she had it all over her clothing.”
“Ew,” Meghan said as she turned off the engine. “That is soooo nasty! Why did she throw up so much?”
“Because that girl drank more than she ate that night. I tried to get her to slow down, but you know how Sarah is. Once she starts, she won’t stop until she throws up.”
“Yeah,” Meghan responded as she reminisced. “That was her. She was the definition of ‘girls gone wild.'”
“Absolutely.”
We waited for a few minutes, basking in memories before we went inside the restaurant. The waiter led us to our table and smiled flirtatiously at both of us before he walked off. “Did you see how he looked at you?” Meghan asked while she hung her purse on the back of her seat. “He looked at you like you were his entrée.”
“No, he didn’t. I believe he was looking at you.”
“He can look, but don’t touch. I am headed to Seattle, and I am not doing any long-distance relationships.” She grabbed the menu. “Oh, and that reminds me. How are things with you and Johnathan?”
I moved my purse to the side, “Things between me and Johnathan? There is nothing going on between us. At all. Nothing. And there never will be.”
“Why not, Caroline? He is a good guy!”
“Yeah, he is good… but just not good for me. Besides, I will be moving soon anyway, so that wouldn’t do anything but put a strain on our relationship, so that is a definite no for me.”
“When are you moving?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe six months? Just long enough for me to save some money, so I won’t go out there and then have to bring my ass right back because I am homeless.”