by Naomi Niles
“I can and I will.” I pushed myself into a seated position. “We shouldn’t have crossed that line. It was wrong, and if Sarah were alive, we never would have! We wouldn’t have done it, and you know it!” I reached for my underwear and violently shoved my legs through each hole.
Harrison reached for my arm to slow me down. “Caroline, please. Just wait a second, alright? Can you please just calm down?”
I yanked my arm away from him. “No! I can’t! She is my best friend, and I betrayed her! I slept with her fucking father just weeks after she was buried! It comes off like I waited until she died just so I could stab her in the fucking back! I feel like shit, Harrison! I feel like shit!” I yelled at the top of my lungs as my emotions boiled inside my heart. Harrison watched me quietly as I stood and pulled my underwear to my hips. “This is shit, Harrison! This is nothing but… but a bunch of shit! We shouldn’t have done it! Sarah is turning over in her grave right now, and I know it!”
Just then, I broke down. I covered my face as tears cascaded down my cheeks. I felt Harrison stand up beside me and slowly wrap his arm around my body. “It’s going to be alright, Caroline.”
“It’s not!”
“Caroline.” He sighed as he held me. His embrace was comforting. I wanted to push him away, but I couldn’t. I didn’t have the strength. I didn’t have the heart. “This was not on you, OK? This was on me. I kissed you first… I… I started everything. It was something that I shouldn’t have done, but at the same time, I am happy that I did. I felt at peace during that time. I felt like… I felt like you completely consoled me at a time when I was inconsolable, and on top of it all, you never had to say anything to me. You only had to be here. You just had to touch me. Whether it was your hug or your presence, that was all it took. I wanted that. I wanted to feel that permanently, you know? It just felt right, Caroline. It just felt right.”
I sniffled, then wiped my eyes as I calmed down in his arms. I understood his point of view, but it didn’t erase how I felt about Sarah. Nothing would change that. I stepped away from him. “I need to go, Harrison. I just need to get away from here and think about things.”
He sighed. “I understand.” I grabbed Kleenex from a small box on the table as he slipped his pants back on. He walked me to the door, and with a solemn voice, he asked, “Will I see you on Monday? For your job?”
The bright light shone down from above as I stood silently by the door, weighing rather or not I should take the job. If I wanted to move to California in half a year, I had no choice. I wasn’t going to find another job to pay me as much as Harrison was willing to. Even with that, I couldn’t answer him outright. “I don’t know right now. I just need to think about everything. Just give me some time. Please?”
“Sure,” he said patiently. “Take your time.”
I walked away from him slowly. My heels clicked against the concrete until I made it to my car. I glanced back at his door as he stood there, shirtless, watching just to make sure I drove away safely. My hand felt like it was a bag of bricks as I lifted the key into the ignition and turned it on. By the time I got to the corner of his block, I had pulled to the side of the road and parked in front of another house. I broke down crying the same way I did when Sarah died, but the reasons were very different. One was because she was gone, and the other was because I felt that I betrayed her. I didn’t know how I would be able to carry on.
Chapter Fifteen
Harrison
I didn’t do anything for the rest of the day. I felt horrible for placing Caroline in this situation. Things felt right between us, but if I’d known that she would feel so bad about things afterward, I never would have crossed that line with her. I regretted how she felt, but I didn’t regret the action. For the first time I could remember, my sorrow had been quenched, and with her, I felt that I could get through this difficult time. But, it wasn’t just that. I didn’t want to have sex with her and toss her to the side like I’d done so many women before her. It seemed that whatever was brewing between us was more than just a one-night stand. It was more than a momentary solace. I had been drawn to younger women my whole life, so it would make sense to settle down with someone her age.
That is the road I wanted to take with her. As I laid in the bed, I thought about giving her a call to check on her. I grabbed my phone a few times, only to talk myself out of making the call. Instead, I scrolled through my phone and landed on another one of Sarah’s messages. “Hey, Dad. I know this might sound crazy coming from me since I’ve never wanted to share a day in my life with you, but I know you’re getting older, and I won’t be around to take care of your old behind later in life since I’ll be raising a family of my own.” She laughed in the voicemail, but a tear glimmered at the bottom of my eye. The thought that she would never be able to live out the life she expected nearly brought another wave of anger into my heart.
Her voice simmered my fury. “So, I think it is about time that you settled down and stopped having sex with so many women just to go to the next one. I mean, every man… well, not just every man, but every person wants somebody to grow old with. I mean, you’re already old, so I guess you probably are looking for somebody to grow OLDER with.” She laughed again. I would’ve thrown something at her by now if she was standing near me. “So, maybe you should hang up your ‘player’ card and look for something more serious. Just a thought. Well, anyways, love ya old man, and I’ll talk to you later.”
The voicemail ended as I laid on top of my blanket, facing the ceiling. I looked at my bandaged hand. Most of the pain subsided a bit since earlier today, but I still felt the effects of smashing it into the wall. I held my phone in my hand for a few minutes until I dropped it onto the mattress. I figured that I would give Caroline the rest of the day to sort things out on her own before I poked my head into her life again. I could only hope that she didn’t do a 180 and walk out of my life. More than anything or anyone else, she was the only one who could help me through this time. I turned over on my mattress, and in minutes, I had fallen asleep.
The next day, I woke up with Caroline on my mind. I grabbed my phone, hoping to see a text or missed call from her, but there was none. I knew I had to do something to help make the situation better between us. I was the one who initiated everything, so I had to be the one to fix it. I got up, got dressed, and headed to her apartment. It was 12 pm by the time I made it over there. I knocked twice on her door and stood back, waiting for her to answer. “Oh, Harrison,” she said with a surprised look when she came to the door. Her eyes were reddened as if she had been crying all night.
“May I come in?”
“Um, yeah. Sure.” She stepped to the side and allowed me in. “I am sorry about the mess, but I wasn’t expecting company.” Boxes of Kleenex covered her couch. The clothing she wore yesterday was tossed on the floor, and she quickly scooped it up in her arms as I made my way to her sofa. She grabbed discarded Kleenex squares from the table and tossed them into the trash.
“It is fine,” I said, taking a seat in her living room as she took her clothing into the bathroom. She wore nothing but an oversized sweater that hung loosely on her body. It stopped mid-thigh, exposing the rest of her legs. My mind replayed scenes of our sexual encounter when her legs were spread open and pointed towards the ceiling. I quickly brought those to a halt before I was tempted to start round two between us. “Listen, I know that yesterday was tough.” She sniffled. “And I understand why… but, I don’t think of that situation the same way you do.”
She grabbed another Kleenex and wiped her eyes as I continued. “I think that Sarah, more than anything, wants us to be comforted. She doesn’t want us to continually be in pain because she passed away, and if she could help us, she would... And honestly… I think that is what she is doing.” I took a deep breath. “Look, I know that what we did seems wrong, especially given the situation and the way things look. But for me, you are a solace. For me, you are the one person in this world that can help me through this t
ime. It’s not just sex with you; it is your presence. It is something about you that calms me when I feel I am about to explode.”
I looked at my hand. “And I lied.” Her brows wrinkled as she looked in my direction. “This injury didn’t happen at work. I punched a wall at home. I did because I was angry with myself.” I turned away from her, ashamed to admit the truth. “I felt like… if I just was a little tougher on her, you know? If I buckled down a little more and taught her that life wasn’t one big party, maybe she wouldn’t have died the way she did. Maybe she would have made better choices in her life. So, in the end, I blame myself for her death. I blame myself for being a sorry-ass father who couldn’t raise his child the right way. So, I punched the wall after I left her room. I punched it again, and again, and again until I busted up my fist pretty bad. But you? I know that if you were there, I wouldn’t have done that because you have this innate ability to calm my soul and I can’t explain it. I don’t want to.”
She sat on the couch with her legs folded beneath her. A sorrowful silence filled the room as we both waited for someone to speak. I throttled tears behind my eyelids because I refused to cry in front of her. Even then, I could feel rage circling around in my chest like a vulture over a dead animal. If she wasn’t there with me, I might have broken my hand this time around. Suddenly, she scooted closer to me. She put her hand on top of my injured fist and sniffled. “You can’t think that way,” she said with a shaky voice. “You can’t put that kind of weight on your shoulders. You were a damn good father to Sarah. Yeah, you spoiled her, but what father wouldn’t spoil his only girl? My father spoiled me, and I know a lot of other girls who got the same treatment from their fathers. You are not alone.”
“Yeah, but I could’ve been a little tougher on her. I could’ve–”
“You could’ve, yeah, but who is to say that she still wouldn’t have left us like that? All it takes is one time, and as long as I’ve known Sarah, she has partied a lot, but she never did anything like that before. You taught her well, but who is to say that this wasn’t just one of those times? You can’t allow yourself to carry that burden because that is a weight that no one can hold. No one.”
She gently rubbed my hand as she sat next to me. I didn’t want to believe what she said. I wanted to direct my anger for her death at something or someone and right now, the only person I could point the finger as was myself. If Caroline wasn’t here for me, only God knows how much more damage I would have done to my body. I may have even taken my life as repayment for her death, but Caroline stifled any suicidal thought from entering my mind. “And just like that, you cannot blame yourself for last night. I started everything, and I started it because I could not feel comfort from any place outside of you. I never meant for us to cross that line, but sometimes, things just happen. Caroline, you are a beautiful young woman. Intelligent. Funny. Business-minded. You are the complete package, and I know that my emotions got the best of me. I am sorry.”
She had waited a few seconds before she lifted her hand to my cheek. “Don’t apologize. I understand. I know this may seem crazy, but I had a long talk with Sarah last night and even throughout this morning. The funny thing is that she helped me see exactly what she told me. If she was here, I know that we wouldn’t have had sex, but when she left, it seems like she knew we would find comfort with each other. I felt like I backstabbed her, but in the end, she wasn’t upset. At least, that’s the conclusion I came to.”
“No,” I said, relieved that she wasn’t holding onto any anger towards me. “I understand. I don’t talk to her, but,” I pulled out my cell phone and showed her all the messages I had saved from Sarah. “I listen to these a few times a week. It helps calm me whenever you aren’t around.”
She laughed as she heard one of the messages. “Wow. You see, you guys had a good relationship. I don’t think I could have ever joked around with my father like that. You did a lot of things right with her, Harrison. A lot of things.”
She kissed me on the cheek as we sat and reminisced about Sarah. She told me that she was going to accept the job and she would be there bright and early Monday morning. That was the best news I had received in a while, and from there, I knew that she would be around for at least six more months to help me cope with Sarah’s death. In the back of my mind, I felt like there would be more between us. Caroline wasn’t something temporary for me. I saw her in my life for the long run.
Chapter Sixteen
Caroline
I woke up Monday morning after an emotional weekend. I stayed in the house all day Saturday and Sunday because I didn’t feel like going out. When Harrison came by to talk to me, it helped me feel a little better about what we did, but for the most part, I was still confused. I considered calling to let him know that I wasn’t going to take the job anymore. I felt that the awkwardness would be too much to bear, and on top of that, I didn’t want to imagine what things would be like if word got out that I slept with Sarah’s father. I couldn’t risk it, though. I needed the money so I could move to California, so I figured I would keep the job and see what things would be like before I jumped to conclusions.
The traffic was minimal on my way to the office. I arrived at Harrison Construction just after 9:30 am. Harrison’s truck was parked in a spot near the front of the building. Next to his, there was a black, two-door sports car with black rims. I wondered if the owner of the vehicle was the guy that Harrison tried to hook me up with when I first visited this building. Now, as I thought about it, maybe he wasn’t trying to hook me up, especially since we had slept together a few days ago. I didn’t know what to make of it. I pulled the visor down and looked in the mirror. My makeup was painted on lightly. I didn’t want to look like some kind of hooker on my first day, so I made sure to keep things to a minimum. My dress stopped just above my knees, and I left the top button undone on my long-sleeved shirt. I wanted to look professional, especially since I was going to be around a bunch of men.
Outside of that, I cared about Harrison’s impression of me. For some reason, I felt like there could be more between us. When he came out to my place on Saturday, I felt that he went out of his way to explain himself to me. I could be foolish to think that what we had could somehow turn into something long-term. In my mind, that was completely out of the question, but I couldn’t stop myself from wondering. After a few minutes passed by, I exited my vehicle and headed through the double doors of the building. My heels clicked against the hardened floors as I made my way down the hall and to the elevator.
The beeping noise echoed throughout the silent building as the elevator came to a stop. The door slid open, welcoming me onto the platform moments before it lifted me to Harrison’s floor. Calm down, Caroline. Calm down. My fingers jittered as I lifted closer to his office. I had no idea what to expect, but I hoped for the best. The last thing I wanted to experience was awkward stares and uncertainty. I knew I wouldn’t be able to function if that was how things were going to go while I was employed here. Finally, the elevator stopped and let me off on Harrison’s floor. I took a deep breath and made my way to the office.
“Come in,” I heard Harrison say from the other side after I knocked on the door. I steeled myself, then entered the room confidently. Harrison stood by his filing cabinet, talking with Brian. They both smiled in my direction. In my mind, I couldn’t help but wonder if Harrison told Brian what we did together. Their ambiguous smiles led me to believe that Brian knew the details. “Well, good morning, Caroline,” Harrison continued as he extended his hand.
I put my hand into his. His shake was firm, yet gentle, and it completely caught me off guard. “Hello, Harrison,” I said, maintaining my smile. “Good morning to you and Brian.”
“Are you ready for your first day?” Brian asked, propping himself onto the corner of Harrison’s desk.
“I believe I am. I mean, after all, I went to school for it, so I should be ready.”
“Yeah,” he smiled. “And the good thing about that is that t
he knowledge should still be fresh. Let me tell you, I got my associate's degree years ago and I stumbled through everything from day one. I handled it the best I could, but I am glad to know that someone more qualified is now in the position.”
Harrison shoved his hands into his pocket. It was a fight to keep my eyes off him as I spoke to Brian. “Yeah. Well, I can’t speak for the job you did, but I hope I can perform up to everyone’s expectations. I am just nervous because now it is like I have to prove that I didn’t waste the last five years of my life in school.”
Harrison laughed. “Nonsense, Caroline. You will do a great job. I know you will.”
His smile comforted me, and so far, the uneasy feelings that I thought would be present between us were nowhere in sight. Brian clapped his hands together as if a thought just popped into his head, “Right, California. So,” he turned to Harrison, “are you going to go with me on the trip out there? I think we have a good chance to close on it and lock in the account.”
“Yeah, I’m game. I don’t have much going on during the weekends, so I may as well take the trip with you. I haven’t been on the coast for a while anyway. I could use the semi-vacation.”
“Awesome!” He shifted his attention back to me, “See, that is another thing about working for this company. This man right here,” he tapped his hand on Harrison’s shoulder, “is the best man to work for. Business trips are covered under the expense account, and we literally pay for nothing because he covers it all. Bonuses are amazing, and as long as you do your job, you can get away with anything. Hell, I’ve taken more days off than I had available, but he still pays me like I haven’t missed a shift.”
Harrison accepted the gratitude with a smile. “Kind words, Brian. Very kind words. I appreciate that.”
“It’s all you, man. It’s all you. That’s why I am willing to break my back to make sure this company stays afloat. It’s worth it.” He stood up. “And speaking of, I need to get to my office and get some layout designs ready for our guys. You two have a nice day, and Caroline, welcome to the team.”