by Naomi Niles
It was one of the most pleasant conversations I’d ever had. It wasn’t like we spoke about anything too deep or personal. We talked about life in Fort Collins, the best bars in town, recent box office hits, and the like. But it didn’t matter what we spoke about: everything about the conversation was easy. After the first half hour, I lost the self-consciousness that had clung to me in our previous two meetings and I started to relax.
I decided to set dinner out in the living room table, and Madison and I walked over the plates and dishes, with Polo following along.
“I have some meat for Polo,” I said. “I think he’ll like it.”
“I fed him before we came over, but a few bites won’t hurt,” she nodded.
I got out the meat, went out into the living room where Madison was already seated and offered Polo the meat. He looked at me suspiciously for a moment and then started approaching cautiously. He stared at my face for a long moment before he accepted the meat in my hand.
He was so distracted with chewing that I took the opportunity to pat him on the head. He cringed slightly at my touch, but then he relaxed, as though he had finally realized that I wasn’t going to hurt him.
When I sat down at the table, I realized that Madison was engrossed in one of the family pictures that sat on the console opposite the table.
“Is that your father?”
“It is,” I nodded. “With my brothers and I.”
“Five boys,” she breathed. “You must have grown up in a chaotic household.”
I laughed. “It wasn’t always, but I always did enjoy a little chaos every now and again.”
“I recognize you and John,” she said. “What are you other brothers’ names?”
“The one sitting next to me is Sam,” I replied. “Next to him is Alan, and the littlest one in my dad’s arms is Talen.”
“It’s a beautiful picture.”
“Thank you,” I said appreciatively. “It was taken a few years before Dad got sick.”
“I had heard he died,” Madison said, making no attempt to pretend as though she didn’t know that already. I appreciated how forthright she was. She wasn’t hiding behind a mask. She wasn’t pretending to be someone else. “That must have been hard for you guys. How old were you?”
“I was eighteen,” I replied. “So, I had it easier.”
“Easier?” Madison asked in surprise. “How did you have it easier?”
“Well, Alan, Sam, and Talen were all so young…Talen especially,” I tried to explain. “They had less time with Dad. They were less equipped to handle the loss.”
“Eighteen is pretty young,” she pointed out.
“I suppose,” I nodded. “It was different for me, though.”
“Different how?”
“I had to grow up pretty fast,” I replied. “I suppose in some ways it forced me to mature quickly. I’ve always felt much older than my age.”
She smiled at me with a sentimentality that made me want to reach out and touch her. We talked all the way through dinner, and I was amazed at how easy it was. I was usually quiet and awkward around company, but with Madison, it was different. She made me feel at ease.
We had just finished dinner when her phone rang.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, grabbing her phone and staring at the screen. The moment she saw the person who was calling, her skin paled visibly and the smile died on her face.
“Is something wrong?” I asked immediately.
“I…yes,” she nodded. “It’s just… I’m sorry, but I have to go now.”
“You have to go?” I asked in surprise.
“It’s my brother,” Madison replied. “And I just want to…call him back… Make sure he’s okay.”
“You can call him from here,” I suggested, alarmed by her reaction to the call.
“That’s okay,” Madison replied. “It’s getting late, anyway.”
She rose from her chair, and I was forced to do the same. She rushed towards the door with Polo on her heels.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” I asked again at the door.
“I’m fine,” Madison nodded. She made an attempt to smile, but it looked scared and forced. “Thank you so much for dinner. I’m so sorry for leaving like this.”
“That’s okay,” I replied, even though I wished she wasn’t leaving. “If you have to go, you have to go.”
Madison walked out into the dark night, but then she stopped abruptly and turned to me. “You’re a really great guy, Peter,” she said. Then she turned and walked towards her house as Polo ran on ahead of her. “Thank you for tonight.”
I wanted to call out to her. I wanted to tell her not to leave. I wanted to tell her that if she were in some kind of trouble, I would help her. I didn’t even care what she’d done, if in fact she had done something. All I wanted to do was help her. All I wanted to do was see her smile again.
Chapter Ten
Madison
I walked home quickly, feeling my pulse race the closer I got to my ratty front door. I hurried inside with Polo at my heels and slammed the door shut. I leaned back against the front door, trying to calm down my frantic breathing. Polo stared up at me as though he didn’t know what had just happened and needed an explanation.
“What should I do, Polo?” I breathed out loud. “This is Victor; he wouldn’t rat me out, would he?”
I felt the uncertainty in my own voice and that, more than anything else, had me feeling insecure and scared. Polo bumped his nose against my shins and whined loudly. I walked slowly to my sleeping bag and sat down. Instantly, Polo jumped onto my lap as though he thought I needed some extra attention. I rubbed his head distractedly as I stared at my brother’s number.
“What if I call Victor back and Kameron’s the one who answers?” I asked. “Then what? I don’t want to have to speak to him…and I don’t want to hang up on him, either; that’s just poking the bear.”
Polo cocked his head at me as though he were listening.
“Maybe it’s nothing,” I sighed. “I did just up and disappear, without even telling Victor. This is probably just…concern.”
After deliberating for ten more minutes, I punched call on my brother’s number and held my breath. Two rings and Victor picked up.
“Mads,” he said, and he sounded relieved. “Where the hell are you?”
“I… Are you alone?” I had to ask, for my own peace of mind.
“Of course I’m alone,” Victor replied.
I breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m sorry for leaving like that. I probably should have given you some indication that I was-”
“Running away?”
“I’m not running away,” I said defensively. “I’m just leaving; that’s all.”
“If you were just leaving, then you would have told me,” Victor reasoned. “I’m your brother, Mads.”
“I know that,” I sighed. “I’m sorry, Victor; I should have told you.”
There was a heartbeat of silence from the other line. “Are you okay?” he asked. “Are you safe?”
“I’m safe,” I replied. “How are you?”
“I’m fine, Mads,” he replied. “You’re the one I’m concerned about.”
“Don’t worry about me,” I said. “I’m fine.”
“Of course I’m worried about you,” he said. “You just disappeared – no explanation, no warning, nothing.”
“I wasn’t exactly thinking straight, Victor. I just needed to get out.”
“Of what exactly?”
“The apartment, the atmosphere, the life I was living with Kameron,” I tried to explain. “It was too much. I couldn’t deal with him anymore, and if I had told him I wanted out, do you think he would have just held the door open for me and wished me luck?”
“Of course, he wouldn’t have done that,” Victor conceded. “But that’s only because he loves you.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Madison.”
“If you love someone, then yo
u don’t treat them the way Kameron treated me,” I argued fiercely. “He treated me like shit, Victor, and sometimes you saw it yourself. I was his maid and his cook and his nurse when he needed one…and when he deigned to be in one of his good moods, he gave me a little attention and that was it.”
“I know it wasn’t perfect, but-”
“Perfect?” I repeated incredulously. “Perfect?”
“All right, calm down, Madison,” Victor said in the soothing voice he used when he was trying to be diplomatic. “I’m just trying to be the mediator here.”
I laughed humorlessly and shook my head at the phone. “Do you even hear yourself, Victor? You shouldn’t want to be the mediator here. I’m not one of your drug smuggling deals – I’m your sister. You should be on my side.”
“I am on your side.”
“Really?” I asked. “Why are you calling, Victor?”
“To see if you’re okay,” Vichetor replied immediately. “To see if you’re safe.”
“Is that all?”
There was a second’s pause on the other line. “Kameron’s looking for you, Mads,” he said. I felt my throat constrict in response.
“It was naïve of me to believe he’d just let me go,” I managed to spit out.
“He’s upset at the moment,” Victor continued. “But he’s not mad. I think if you came back now, he would just forget the whole thing.”
“Are you serious?”
“The longer you keep this up, the angrier he’ll get, Mads.”
“You’re really telling me that I should come back?”
“Your home is here.”
“That was never my home,” I said, through gritted teeth. “It was your home, and somehow, I let myself be roped into your world.”
“Madison-”
“Do you even know why I moved into that neighborhood in the first place?” I demanded. “Do you even realize why I stayed in that drug-infested slum?”
“You fell in love with Kameron.”
I laughed. “Of course, you would think that.”
“What do you mean?”
“You nearly died, Victor,” I practically yelled into the phone. “You OD’d on cocaine. Do you remember that?”
“Yes.”
“Because I certainly do,” I said. “I was terrified. It was probably the most terrified I’d ever been. I had no one in the world but you, and the thought of losing you was… It was more than I could bear.
“So I came over and saw the state of you, and I decided to stay. I moved in with you. I looked after you and after a few weeks, you started looking like a human being again.”
“I remember.”
“No, you don’t,” I snapped. “You don’t remember because you were breaking into withdrawal sweats, you were having hallucinations, you were pissing yourself half the time. You don’t remember shit because you weren’t in your right mind at the time.
“Kameron would come over to see you, and he would stay to speak to me. And, he was charming, and he was concerned, and he paid attention to me. And yes, I believed I’d fallen in love with him, but it was only because I was naïve and stupid and desperate for some love and kindness.
“After you got better, I still stayed because I thought in some twisted way that if I were around, I could prevent you from making the same mistakes. I honestly believed I could stop you from dying. But it didn’t matter what sacrifices I had made in the end because you just got right back up on that horse.”
“But you still stayed,” Victor pointed out. “You stayed for Kameron.”
“Like I said: I was naïve and stupid,” I replied. “And, I didn’t think I deserved anything better. But you should have. You’re my brother, Victor. You’re my big brother. You should have wanted a better man for me. You should have thought I deserved better than Kameron, even if I didn’t.”
“I believe he loves you.”
“That’s because you’re blind with loyalty and completely under his heel,” I spat. “Kameron treats you the way he treats everyone in his life: like an animal that’s trained to come when it’s called.”
“Kameron gave me a job when I needed it, Madison.”
“He got you into drugs in the first place, Victor,” I shot back. “He ruined your life, and he got you to thank him for it. And now, you want me to do the same. Well, I won’t let him ruin my life and I’m certainly not going to thank him for it.”
“Madison.”
“What happened to you, Victor?” I demanded. “What happened to the big brother who promised he would always protect me? Are you seriously counseling me to go back to Kameron and live my life under his heel like you do?”
“You’re being unfair to him.”
“Have you ever considered the possibility that he’s being unfair to me?” I demanded. “I don’t love him, Victor. In fact, I don’t think I ever really did. I just suffered from the delusion that he would protect me and would keep me safe. I’d never really had that in my life, and I clung to it when I thought I got it. But it was never real. You’re going to realize that too one day.”
“He’s looking for you, Mads.”
“I heard you, Victor,” I said, raising my voice. “I know he’s looking for me and honestly… I don’t care. He can look as long as he wants; he can look forever as far as I’m concerned. Finding me is his only option because I’m telling you right now, I’m never coming back.”
“Madison, wait. Where are you?”
“Goodbye, Victor,” I said before I cut the line.
Silence engulfed me, and I felt both relieved and empty. I felt tears prick at the corner of my eyes. He was still my brother, no matter what.
But that phone call had just cemented one thing in my mind: I couldn’t trust him. I couldn’t count on him. At the end of the day, he was working for Kameron and that meant that I had just lost my brother.
I cried myself to sleep and woke up the next morning with swollen eyes and a scratching in my throat. Polo licked the dried tears off my face, but even his comforting presence did very little to make me feel better. I dressed distractedly, throwing on old jeans and a plain t-shirt and headed for the salon. I tried my best to hide my despair, but Whitney was not someone you could hide things from.
“Madison!” she called, the moment I had finished with my first client. “My office, now.”
I followed her into her little cubicle and sat down. She gazed at me pointedly for a moment. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I replied, a little too quickly.
“Sorry,” Whitney said. “I’m not buying what you’re selling.”
I sighed. “I don’t want to burden you with my problems.”
Whitney’s face softened as she leaned in a little. “Madison, we all have problems. Trying to work through them alone can make everything worse sometimes. Trust me, I’ve learned the hard way. Now I’m not going to force you to talk to me, but I really wish you would.”
I took a deep breath, thinking how wonderful it would be to speak to someone. My only confidant at the moment was my dog, and Polo couldn’t exactly talk back.
“It’s my brother,” I said, forcing out the words.
“Okay?”
“We had an argument last night,” I said. “And I think… I mean… I don’t think I’m ever going to see him again.”
“It was that bad an argument?”
“It was more than that, really,” I sighed. “It’s hard to explain. It’s just that he’s made some life decisions that I can’t stand by. And at this point, I feel as though I need to look out for myself first.”
“You do,” Whitney nodded. “But I doubt it’s as easy as cutting off ties with your brother. He’s always going to be there, in the back of your mind.”
“I know.”
“I have a sister, Madison,” she said. “And she drives me crazy sometimes, but I love her to death. I just couldn’t imagine not talking to her every day. Now I don’t know the exact deal between you and your brothe
r, but I know that cutting off ties with a family member is never that easy. Whatever his life choices may be, he’s still your brother. Family is the one thing that’s hard to run from.”
Her words struck home, but they only made me feel worse. She was telling me what I already knew – but denial was easier to swallow sometimes than reality.
Chapter Eleven
Peter
I felt the bed groan with weight and I turned abruptly onto my side, forcing my eyes open. Sam was next to me with his head propped up on his hands like some a fourth grader. He had a bid, dopey grin on his face and the moment we made eye contact, his grin only grew wider.
“Geez,” I moaned. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“This is my childhood home, too, you know,” he said pleasantly.
“I don’t mean ‘here’ in this house,” I complained. “I meant ‘here’ in my bed.”
“Oh,” Sam smiled widely. “Can’t a guy slip into bed with his brother every now and again? You didn’t mind when we were younger.”
I rolled my eyes. “It was easier to stomach when you were nine and cute.”
“I’m still cute.”
“That’s a matter of opinion,” I sighed, sitting up in bed and rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
“I expected you to be in a better mood today…considering your hot date last night with the neighbor.”
“I’m going to kill John.”
“Sooo, tell me… What does she look like naked?”
“Get the fuck out of my bed, you creep,” I demanded, throwing back the covers and onto Sam’s face.
He shook over the covers and stood eagerly. “Come on,” he pleaded. “I want details.”
“There aren’t any to tell.”
“You’re such a liar.”
“And, you’re a pain in my ass.”
I left Sam in my bedroom and walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I came back out again, he was still there on my bed and rifling through my bedside drawers.
“Dude,” he said, the moment he saw me. “No dirty magazines in the side drawer, no porn stashed under the bed: you are so boring.”
“Get out.”
“Rude,” Sam replied as he followed me into the kitchen.