by Naomi Niles
“That’s unbelievably sad,” I said.
He nodded. “It is sad,” he nodded. “And, he deserved better.”
“How old were you when you’re mother left?” I asked.
“Close to fourteen.”
I nodded. “Have you ever thought about looking for her?”
Peter was silent for a moment. “Honestly, I used to when I was younger,” he replied at last. “But as I got older, I realized that it wasn’t worth it. Her decision to leave was a decision to end the relationship she had with us. Looking for her now might only lead to more rejection, and I’m not sure how I would handle that.”
“You’re not curious?” I asked. “About where she went and what she’s doing now?”
“I don’t think knowing where she is or what she’s doing will change anything about how I see her,” Peter replied. “She’s my mother, yes. But she’s also the woman who abandoned my brothers and me and broke my father’s heart. I don’t know if I can forgive that.”
“Do your brothers feel the same way you do?”
“I don’t know,” Peter replied. “I know that Talen thinks about her a lot, but he never talks about her if he can avoid it. I know that Sam is curious, but he doesn’t over think things. I know that Alan is happy enough in his life now that he has put her abandonment behind him. And John… John is a wild card. I think he misses her presence more than he lets on. But then, he knew her best.”
“Everyone has different ways of coping,” I said softly.
“In spite of all that, they turned out pretty great. I’m proud of all of them.”
I smiled. “You talk about them as though you’re their father,” I pointed out.
“Funny, Sam said the same thing,” Peter acknowledged. “I guess the truth is that sometimes I feel like their father. I had to step up and look after them and in some ways, that informed my mindset.”
“But John is the oldest, isn’t he?” I asked.
“John is the oldest,” Peter nodded. “But his strength is in his wisdom. Sam is the probably the most intelligent of the lot of us, but he hides it behind humor most of the time. Alan has the hardest work ethic of anyone I’ve ever met, and Talen’s strength is survival.”
“And, what would you say is your strength?” I asked, noticing that he’d left himself out.
Peter smiled as though he was embarrassed to have to think of it. “I tend to veer towards action, which in some cases has been a mistake, but I do the best I can.”
“You’re too modest.”
He shrugged. “I’m realistic.”
“It’s lovely that you’re so close to your brothers,” I said, feeling a little pang of innocent jealousy.
“You have a brother, don’t you?”
I tensed slightly and took a sip of water to hide the fact. “One older brother,” I nodded. “His name’s Victor.”
“Aren’t you close with him?”
I felt my throat constrict around the words, but I was still surprised to realize that I wanted to share with Peter. I wanted to be able to talk to someone, and I felt as though he would understand. He was a cop, but he was also a brother. Maybe he would know what I was going through?
“I thought I was,” I sighed.
“You thought you were?” he asked, with raised eyebrows.
“It’s complicated.”
“If you don’t want to talk about it, we don’t have to,” Peter said gently, looking deep into my eyes.
I felt my heart race a little faster, but at the same time I was engulfed in a strange sense of comfort. “No,” I said. “I want to tell you.”
Chapter Thirteen
Peter
It had started to rain a little. I could hear the far away sound of heavier rain from miles away. I suspected that it would pour soon.
I glanced at Madison. She was looking down at her plate, moving food around without actually touching it. I wanted her to open up to me, but I wanted her to do it in her own time.
She looked like a painting sometimes. It was in the way she rested her chin on one palm, the way she tilted her head to the side when she smiled, the way her smile brought out the color in her green eyes.
She wasn’t wearing a braid today. Her dark-brown hair hung loose around her bare shoulders, tickling the tops of her prominent collarbones. She looked fragile, but I could sense the strength resting just beneath the surface. I wondered if she was even aware of it herself.
She sipped some water from her glass and looked over at me. “My brother is twenty-eight,” she began. “He’s three years older than me. When we were growing up, that age difference seemed mammoth. He was all I had, and I was all he had. My father left us when I was only a baby, and my mother…she was a mess.”
I waited patiently while Madison caught her breath. “Half the time, she was either stoned or drunk. She would stumble home in the middle of the night after one of her benders, and then she would throw up in a corner and fall asleep on the floor. Victor and I used to take turns to clean her up and wash away the vomit.”
I felt my muscles tense as she continued her story, but I didn’t want to interrupt her by reaching out for her hand or asking a question.
“We watched her ruin her life,” Madison continued softly. “We both saw the same things, but it affected us differently. I saw her choices and I made a vow to myself that I would never make the same mistakes that she had made.
“But Victor… Victor was different. He fell into a bad crowd early on, and I suppose a part of him was always predisposed towards drugs and alcohol. To be honest, I had hoped it was just a phase. But then he started dealing.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Were you still living with him?”
“Yes,” Madison nodded. “I confronted him one day after I found his stash hidden under his bed. But not before I had flushed the whole lot down the drain.”
“You flushed it all?” I asked, impressed.
“Yes,” she sighed. “It was the first real fight we’d ever had with each other. He screamed and ranted and punched walls…and I just stood there trying not to cry.”
“What happened after that?”
“I moved out,” she replied. “I was a few months away from my eighteenth birthday and knew that I needed to get far away from our neighborhood and the crowd that my brother hung around with.
“So I collected all my savings, packed my bags and headed for the cheapest town I could manage. I got a shitty job and an even shitter apartment, but I was happy. I was on my own and I felt…relieved.
“After a few months, Victor came to see me. He apologized, and we made amends. I knew he was still dealing, but I also knew that I couldn’t stop him. We lived our separate lives, but we always maintained our relationship. I think we were both scared to lose one another.
“And then one day… I got a call,” Madison said and I noticed a shiver run down her body. “Victor had overdosed.”
“No,” I breathed.
“He managed to pull through,” she continued. “But he had been on shaky ground there for a while. After that, though… I couldn’t go back to my life. I moved back into the neighborhood and I moved back in with Victor.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because he was my brother,” she replied simply.
I felt her eyes grow heavy with memory and understood instantly. Would I have done any less for one of my brothers? Would I have done any less for Talen? I realized that in her place, I would have done exactly the same thing, even if it meant uprooting my entire life.
“From there, it was a slippery slope,” Madison went on. “While I nursed Victor back to health, he kept getting visits from this guy, Kameron. I just thought he was a friend at first, but it was only later that I realized who he really was.”
“Who was he?”
“Kameron,” Madison repeated his name softly. “He was the drug dealer who had employed my brother. For all intents and purposes, he was Victor’s boss. He ran almost every aspect of my brother’s life
. I think it was at that point that I realized I had gotten in too deep.”
“You could have left again,” I said. “You could have packed up your things and gone.”
Madison smiled, but it was a sad smile, punctuated with threads of fear. “By then, it was too late.”
“Too late?” I repeated. “Why?”
“Because by that time…I believed that I was in love with Kameron.”
I felt my heart sink a little, but she held my gaze and I couldn’t look away. “You fell in love with your brother’s drug dealer?”
“Yes,” she nodded. “And when I found out how deep their operation went, I made excuses that I had never made before. I refused to do drugs myself, but somehow, I managed to find ways to justify why Victor and Kameron did. After a few months, after Victor had recovered, I moved in with Kameron.
“At first things were okay, but then, slowly and with time, things started to change and I started to see who Kameron really was. He was controlling, possessive, and manipulative. He was aggressive, selfish, and prone to fits of violence. I moved in with him because I thought I loved him. But I stayed because I was scared to leave.”
“Was he violent with you?” I asked, balling my hands into fists underneath the table. “Did he ever hit you?”
Madison’s moment of hesitation was all the answer I needed.
“That fucking bastard.”
“It happened only a few times.”
“Even once is one time too many,” I said, through gritted teeth. “He had no right to touch you.”
“No, you’re right,” Madison nodded. “He had no right – but the thing is, I gave him all the power he needed. He knew I had no one and no savings. He knew that the one person I could go to for help was the one person he had in his pocket.”
“Did your brother know about the abuse?”
“No, he didn’t,” Madison replied. “Kameron never hit me hard enough to leave bruises or scars or wounds. He hit to insult and embarrasses me. He hit me to make a point and assert his dominance. It wasn’t about pain for him; it was about power.”
“Didn’t you ever tell your brother?” I asked.
Madison sighed. “I was proud. I had preached to him so often about his life choices that I felt like I couldn’t go to him. I was ashamed of my own choices, but I still didn’t want to admit that. And, I suppose a small part of me was scared that Victor would side with Kameron.”
“He’s your brother,” I said. “Surely he cares more about you than he does about that cocksucker?”
Madison gave a hopeless laugh that tore at my chest. “That’s what I always hoped,” she said. “But yesterday’s conversation with him proved that my fears were justified.”
“What do you mean?”
“That’s why my arrival in Fort Collins was so sudden,” Madison said, looking down at her hands. “I was running from Kameron. And, my brother called me yesterday to try and get me to come back. He told me that Kameron was looking for me. It almost felt like a threat.”
Instinctively, I reached across the table and took Madison’s hand in my own. I could feel the hurt and fear waft off of her, and I wanted desperately to hold her. She looked at me and she forced a smile on her face. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to bring the mood down.”
“Don’t be silly,” I said, at once. “You didn’t bring anything down.”
Gently, Madison pulled her hand out from underneath mine. I saw her face working overtime to keep the tears from her eyes and realized that she didn’t want to break down in front of me. If I tried to hold her now, she wouldn’t be able to hold her pain together. So, I kept my distance and let her have her space.
“I’m in college, you know,” she said, with some difficulty, forcing her tone into brightness. I knew she was trying hard to change the subject, so I went along with it for her sake.
“You are?”
“Well…in a manner of speaking,” she said. “I’m taking online courses and completing assignments on a credit basis. I’ve been working at it for about five years now, and I’m finally close to graduating. I just have seven more lessons to read up on and two assignments to complete and I will be eligible to graduate this year.”
I smiled at the pride in her tone. “Wow, Madison,” I said. “That’s some achievement. You must be so proud of yourself.”
“I am actually,” Madison nodded. “Very proud.”
I smiled. “I never went to college myself, and I always regretted it. I’m glad to know that you won’t ever have to.”
Madison smiled and nodded shyly, but I could tell that her mind was working overtime, trying to forget the mess she had run from and trying to hold together her emotions in my presence.
“It’s coming down hard,” she said, looking out towards the window.
I took the opportunity to stare at the perfect lines of her face. She was a beautiful woman, and her story had only made her more beautiful in my eyes.
“Madison,” I said. “If you ever feel like you need a place to crash for a night, you’re always welcome here. You and Polo.”
She smiled, understanding the offer. “I can’t come over here every time I’m scared that Kameron might show up, Peter. You have your life to live.”
“I mean it,” I said firmly. “Any time at all. My door is always open. You can come to me for anything. If you receive a message, call me. If you’re scared of the dark, call me. If you hear a sound you don’t like, call me. I don’t care it if ends up being a rat running through the pipelines.”
I could see that she was touched by my offer, but I could also see that she was reluctant to accept it. “Thank you for that,” was all she said. “And thank you for dinner…but I think I need to say goodnight now.”
It wasn’t as abrupt an ending as the night before, but it was as unwelcome. I could see that our dinner conversation had upset her, however, and I didn’t want to make things worse by insisting she stay.
“I’ll walk you to your door,” I said, rising from the table.
“No, Peter,” she said immediately. “That’s really not necessary.”
“It’s coming down hard,” I pointed out. “I don’t want you getting wet.”
I grabbed an umbrella from the cupboard next to the kitchen and walked outside with Madison by my side. The rain had picked up and the air was cold. I could feel rain smack at my back as we walked towards her front door. I stopped at the threshold as she opened the door and turned to me.
“Thank you,” she said as Polo lapped at her heels.
“It was my pleasure,” I replied sincerely.
Once she was safely inside, I turned around and retraced my steps back to the house. I flung the wet umbrella to one side of the front door and moved towards the dining room to clear away the plates. I was about to make my second trip back to the kitchen when I heard a loud knock on the door.
Frowning, I went to answer it. I opened the door to find myself face to face with Madison. She was standing there, on my porch, dripping wet and shaking. Her dress clung to her body, and I could see the curve of her breasts through the thin fabric.
“Madison,” I breathed.
She didn’t reply. She took one leaping step forward and kissed me.
Chapter Fourteen
Madison
I didn’t know what came over me. I had never had the confidence to make the first move, let alone a blatantly sexual overture. All I knew was that something inside me snapped the moment the door closed on Peter.
Polo was wagging his tail and prancing around my legs, I could feel the cold engulf me from the rain we’d just walked through, and my head was spinning with the story I’d just narrated.
I had turned to the window and watched as Peter jogged back up to his house with umbrella in hand. He jumped onto his porch and disappeared through his front door. And the moment I saw that, this overwhelming feeling of loneliness engulfed me.
I shivered for a moment and continued staring at his empty porch w
ith the rain beating hard against it and tried to suppress the gut-wrenching sense of need throwing itself into my consciousness.
I flashed through my life in twenty seconds. I saw my mother in her drunken stupor, I saw my brother in his drug-addled fog, and I even saw the father who had left before I could put a face to his name. I had lived my life with a plethora of different people; some had passed in and out of my life without leaving an impression, and others had cemented themselves in my memory.
But none of them had been like Peter. He was a strong, safe, and secure presence. And I realized, standing there in the absence of his company, that I had been craving that kind of safety my whole life.
The moment that thought formulated in my head, it crystallized into awareness, and then instinct kicked in and I was running out my front door into the rain. The cold hit me like a ton of bricks, but I didn’t feel it as badly as I had a moment ago.
I just ran back to the house. I just ran back to Peter. I didn’t hesitate. I ran onto his porch and knocked at his door. I didn’t let myself think. Thinking would only make me chicken out and I wasn’t prepared to chicken out now. He opened the door almost immediately, and I felt my heartbeat falter a little.
“Madison?” he said, in a concerned voice.
How could I have answered him? I had no way of explaining my presence there other than with my actions.
So, I took a deep breath and jumped into his arms, kissing him with all the need and desire that was catapulting around inside me. He stumbled back under the weight of my assault, but I felt his arms enclose me instantly. He kissed me back hard, and I felt my lips part beneath his willingness and a desire that seemed to match my own.
I heard the front door slam shut behind me and suddenly Peter pushed me up against it and hiked one of my legs up around his waist. A part of my brain registered that everything was happening really fast. After all, Peter was still a stranger to me. Two dinners and one deep conversation did not change that fact.
But this was what I wanted. I wanted to lose myself in a stranger. I wanted him to take me on whatever surface he deemed fit. I wanted him to fuck me until I couldn’t breathe.