by Naomi Niles
“When will I be able to see Haley?” I asked.
“We’re in the process of transferring her into her own room,” the doctor replied. “Once you’re finished with Doctor Mann, you can see your sister.”
He led me down a long hall and turned to the first door on the right. He knocked twice before opening the door for me.
“Thank you, Doctor,” I said, as I slipped inside.
It was obvious that she had been expecting me. She was a tall, beautiful woman with ebony skin and curly black hair. She stood up and walked towards me. “Hello, Kami,” she said, with familiarity. “Please come in. I’m Doctor Moira Mann.”
I shook her hand and took a seat in front of her large armchair. I had been in a therapist’s office before. I was not exactly uncomfortable, but I was on edge.
“How are you, Kami?” she asked.
She had the kind of face you could trust. And she spoke to me as though we were old friends. It made it easier to talk to her.
“I’m…not doing so well at the moment,” I admitted.
“I can imagine,” she said, in a soft voice. “I asked you here because I need to clarify a few things with you about your sister.”
I nodded, waiting for her to speak.
“I want to know about your family history, Kami,” Doctor Moira asked. “Specifically if there is any history of depression or mental health issues in your family.”
I took a deep breath. “My mother killed herself the same way thirteen years ago.”
Doctor Moira’s expression stayed the same, concerned and professional. “She overdosed on sleeping pills?”
“Yes,” I nodded. “Haley and I assumed she was sleeping. She suffered from depression.”
“For how long?”
“As long as I can remember,” I said. “My father was abusive. And…I’m on pills for depression too.”
“Since when?”
“Since my mother’s suicide,” I said. “I saw a therapist for a few months after her funeral. He prescribed the pills.”
“Just the depression pills?”
“Anti-anxiety pills, too,” I said.
“And, you and Haley saw the same therapist?” Doctor Moira asked.
“Yes,” I nodded. “But Haley stopped seeing him long before I did.”
“How long did she see him for?”
“Three months,” I said. “I went for almost a year before I stopped.”
“Do you know the reason she stopped?”
“I asked her once, and she said she didn’t need to talk about Mom’s death. She said she was capable of dealing with it on her own. She didn’t want to be told how to feel by a stranger.”
“And, what did you think of that choice?”
“I… Honestly… She was dealing with things so well. She was sad, yes, but she was handling everything better than I was. Mom’s death is what lit a fire underneath her to get the restaurant started.”
“She owns a restaurant?”
“We both do,” I said. “We own it together.”
“I see,” Doctor Moira nodded. “There’s one thing that confuses me.”
“Which is?”
“You mentioned that both you and your sister saw a therapist after your mother’s death?”
“We did.”
“And he’s the one that prescribed you pills?”
“He did.”
“You also mentioned that Haley saw this therapist for three months?”
“That’s right.”
“And you stopped seeing him after a year?”
“Yes…” I said, uncertain where this was going.
“And yet you both have had continual access to the pills?”
I froze. Doctor Meredith was looking at me carefully and I knew she had cornered me. I sighed. “I wanted the pills, but I wasn’t interested in the therapy after a certain point. I got in contact with this… guy. He’s been my dealer for the last couple of years.”
“I see,” Doctor Meredith nodded. “And Haley…”
I sighed. “Haley would always offer to pick up the pills for me when she did the rounds for the restaurant. She obviously had a supply of her own…”
Doctor Meredith nodded, and I was grateful for the lack of judgment in her gaze.
“How did I miss so much?” I said, choking over my own words.
“Tell me about your sister,” doctor Meredith said calmly.
“Haley… She’s always the life of the party,” I said. “She’s fun and bubbly and energetic. I had no idea… I mean I can’t believe she would do something like this. I didn’t even know she was depressed.”
“Sometimes happiness can be a mask, too,” Doctor Moira said gently. “It can be a way to hide your depression from the world.”
I stared at the coffee table.
“Kami?”
“Yes?” I said, looking up.
“Your sister didn’t show any signs of depression before now?”
“She’s been a little…off the last couple of days,” I admitted.
“Off?”
“Our father came into town recently,” I explained. “He wanted to borrow money from us, but I convinced Haley to turn him down. He got mad, threw a fit, called us a bunch of names, and walked out. I think it hit her pretty hard. That’s when I saw a change in her. She seemed…not less happy, just a little distant from time to time.”
“And, she never spoke to you about anything?”
“No,” I said, feeling like a complete failure. “She didn’t breathe a word. I would have pushed her to talk to me, but… I was scared that she’d just shut down completely.”
“Pushing wouldn’t have helped, Kami,” Doctor Moira said. “It’s obvious Haley was hurting very badly. Talking might not have made a difference at that point. Doctor Mathers informed me your sister is stable.”
“Yes.”
“Once she’s recovered a little, I would like to set up a meeting with you and your sister.”
“What if Haley doesn’t want to talk?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Doctor Moira said. “She can sit here and say nothing if she wants. But it is essential that she makes the effort to come. In time, she will start to open up. And that will be easier to do with your support.
I nodded slowly. “All right,” I said. “I’ll do my best.”
“Thank you, Kami,” Doctor Moira said as she rose from her seat.
I said goodbye and headed towards the ICU. I asked one of the ward nurses where Haley Delouch’s room was, and she took me there herself. I froze at the threshold of her door, feeling a sinking sense of loss.
“Stop it,” I told myself. “You haven’t lost her yet.”
I took a step forward and then walked to her bedside. She looked small and pale. All the color had drained from her face, and her eyelids looked huge and dark. I bent forward. “It’s me, Haley,” I whispered. “I’m here. Don’t worry, I’ll always be here.”
I stepped back and held her hand for a moment, wondering if she could feel the gesture. A few minutes later, I was interrupted by a knock on the door. I turned around to see the nurse who had shown me the way to Haley’s room.
“Ma’am, your husband is here.”
“My what?”
“Your husband,” she said. “He’s waiting outside for you.”
I hesitated for only a moment before I walked out of the ICU to see JJ standing there. He came forward immediately and hugged me tight. I melted into his embrace, and we stood there for a long time.
“I’m sorry, I had to tell them I was your husband,” JJ said. “They wouldn’t have let me in if not for that.”
“It’s okay,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t care what you had to tell them. I’m just glad you’re here.”
He led me to the chairs by the corner where we sat down together. All the while, he kept a firm grip on my hand. “This may be a really stupid question, but I have to ask,” he said. “How are you?”
I felt tears prick at the corne
r of my eyes. I leaned into him a little, gathering strength from his presence. “Not good,” I sighed. “I should have seen this coming, I should have paid better attention—”
“Hey,” JJ interrupted sternly. “Don’t do that to yourself. You and Haley were as close as two people could be. If you didn’t see anything, it was because there was nothing to see.”
I shook my head. “That’s the thing,” I said despairingly. “There were signs, I just explained them away. I should have paid more attention. How did I not see that she was in so much pain?”
“Because she hid it well, Kami,” JJ said, squeezing my hand. “She didn’t want you to see. She didn’t want you to know.”
“I ignored my instincts.”
“And, you’ll never do that in the future,” he said firmly. “Haley is ok…right?”
“She’s stable for now,” I said. “But she’s in a medically induced coma.”
“They’ll monitor her closely,” he told me in a calm voice. “And when she’s strong enough, they’ll bring her out of it. She’ll get better, she’ll recover, and she’ll have lots of help when that time comes.”
I nodded slowly, letting his calming tone comfort me. “Thank you so much for coming,” I said. “I shouldn’t have called you.”
“Don’t be silly,” he said immediately. “I would have been mad if you hadn’t called me.”
I smiled. “I ruined your Thanksgiving.”
“There’ll be others.”
“I can’t believe you came,” I said, the full extent of his effort dawning on me.
He leaned in and kissed my forehead softly. “Of course, I came.”
As he kept rubbing my back in slow, soothing circles, I realized how wonderful it was to have someone strong and stable to lean on. I had never really had that before. My father had never cared and my mother had never been strong enough to support Haley or me.
I glanced slowly at JJ’s strong profile. He had left his family to fly all the way back to California for me. We had barely begun this relationship, and he was already more present in my life than my own parents had been. I felt a tug at my heartstrings and realized that my vulnerable mental state was making me crave for JJ’s presence more and more.
Falling in love was the last thing I needed at the moment, but I had a nervous feeling that that was exactly what I was in danger of.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
JJ
I was woken by a burning cramp in my leg. I opened up my eyes and realized my body was hunched in an uncomfortable position with Kami was in my arms, sleeping soundly. Despite my discomfort, I held my position for a little while longer, just so that I could look at her.
There were dried tear tracks streaking her cheeks, and I realized she’d fallen asleep crying. That or she’d been crying in her sleep. Both thoughts were unbearably sad, and I bent down a little and kissed her, right where the tear tracks were. She sighed a little, but I knew she wouldn’t wake up just yet. She was too tired.
They had moved Haley out of the ICU in the middle of the night. Kami and I had been up talking, so we’d followed them into Haley’s room and settled on the large sofa that was pushed to one side of the room.
I had wanted to bring Kami something to eat, but she had refused me each time I had offered. She had kept a firm grip on my hand the whole night, however, and I understood that she didn’t want to be alone, even for a second.
Once Haley was settled into her new room, Kami and I had sat by her bed for about an hour. When fatigue starting taking its toll on Kami, I convinced her to move back to the sofa in the corner. I went with her and cradled her in my arms. At some point, we had both fallen asleep.
Slowly, I carefully transferred Kami’s head from my hands onto the couch. There were no pillows and nothing that could be substituted as one. Sighing, I tiptoed out of the room and headed down to the cafeteria. The hospital looked different in the morning. People were milling around, some of whom looked lively and others that just looked sad.
The cafeteria was busy. It was filled with small groups of people huddled around tables. Every now and again, I spotted someone sitting by themselves with a cup of untouched coffee in front of them. They always had the same blank look on their face as though they weren’t sure how to feel. I scoured the cafeteria and managed to find some decent choices. I bought some bagels, cream cheese, and a couple of different sandwiches. I added coffee and juice to my tray, considering I wasn’t sure what Kami would prefer, and then I headed back to Haley’s room.
It struck me walking back how worried I had been last night. But my worry had not been for Haley so much. Of course, I was concerned about her, but not nearly as much as I was for Kami. It struck me as slightly uneven, that I should care so much for this woman, whom I had met only recently. Was this what it felt like to fall in love with someone? I had never experienced a feeling like it before, and it made me feel both scared and excited in the same breath.
When I pushed open the door and walked in, I found that Kami was awake. Her eyes brightened the moment she saw me, and I had a secret thought that leaving home early was worth it to look into those beautiful, bright eyes.
“JJ,” Kami said. “I thought you’d left.”
“Left?” I repeated. “Of course not. At least, not without making sure you ate something.”
I set the tray down in front of her, and she eyed the food tentatively. “I am a little hungry,” she admitted.
“Good,” I nodded. “What would you like to try first?”
“A sandwich please.”
I unwrapped a tuna sandwich and handed it to her. We had a cozy little breakfast, and even though Kami didn’t finish the entire sandwich, she managed to get through more than half of it.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do about the restaurant,” she sighed.
“Don’t you worry about that,” I said, jumping into problem-solving mode. “I’ll head over there now and put a sign up that says you’re closed for the holiday weekend. It won’t be a problem.”
“I don’t think a weekend will be enough,” Kami said. “Haley’s going to need more time to recover, and I can’t run the restaurant on my own.”
“A week, then,” I suggested. “You can amend the sign later, depending on Haley’s condition.”
Kami considered that for a moment and then she nodded slowly. “Okay,” she said. “I suppose that’s my only option at this point.”
“Would you like me to stop by your place and bring you some fresh clothes?” I asked. I tried to think of everything she might need.
He saw the flicker of gratitude in her eyes. “Oh, thank you, JJ,” she sighed. “That would be wonderful. I would go myself, but—”
“You don’t want to leave Haley,” I nodded. “I understand. Think nothing of it. I’ll be back in a couple of hours, tops.”
I was just about to get up when Kami reached out and grabbed me by the hand. I turned to her and she gave me a small smile. “Thank you, JJ,” she said fervently. “You being here… It means the world to me.”
I returned her smile and leaned in to kiss her softly on the lips. Her hand reached up to cup my face, allowing the kiss to linger for a moment before we broke apart. I wanted to hold her properly, I wanted to kiss her more passionately than that, but I knew this wasn’t the time or place.
“These are the keys to the house and the restaurant,” Kami said, handing over two separate keys. “You’ll find a few different duffel bags in the cupboard in my room. You can bring the clothes in that.”
I nodded, gave her a parting smile, and headed off. I bought a large card from a convenience store and wrote a concise message on the front, stating that the restaurant would be closed for the next week. It was still early, so I managed to beat the crowd to the restaurant and hang the card on the narrow door. Then I headed for Kami’s place.
The moment I walked in, I could sense Kami had left in a rush. The picture frame that had graced the entrance had fallen to the floor. I bent
down and picked it up. The picture was of Kami and Haley as young girls, seated on either side of their mother. I hadn’t noticed the picture before, but now I studied it carefully.
Their mother was a small woman. She looked more like Haley than Kami, in my opinion. She had youthful features, blue eyes, and dark hair. She was smiling in the picture, but something about her smile rang false. It was as though she was exerting a great effort to pose for the picture. The girls were smiling ear to ear, however.
Kami was already taller than Haley at this point, even though she was three years younger. She had been a gangly girl, who it seemed had grown into her limbs. She was wearing a side braid in the picture and had on large old-fashioned glasses that hid the beauty of her eyes. Haley was wearing dark overalls and a crop top that bared her stomach. She was smiling, too, but it was a more self-conscious kind of smile, the kind that told me she was concerned with what other people thought of her.
I placed the photograph back on the console table and moved into the living room. The place was a mess. There were clothes and shoes lying all over the place. The musky smell of dust had settled, too, and I could tell that the girls had neglected their house keeping for a while. Instinctively, I got to work, sweeping up the living room, folding away clothes, and just re-arranging a few things here and there. From the living room, I moved into the kitchen.
There were a number of things on the kitchen table, including a beautiful vanilla frosted cake that sat there forgotten. I covered it up and put it in the fridge before I started work on the kitchen. Once it was sparkling clean, I went to Haley’s bedroom first. There was a broken plate on the floor, along with a mushed piece of the cake I had seen earlier. There was a plastic cup on the floor, too, and a patch of water that had yet to dry up.
I sniffed carefully, but it seemed to be only water. Relieved, I cleared up the broken plate first and then the cake. Once that was done, I mopped up Haley’s floors and then made her bed.
Once her room was done, I went to Kami’s. It was considerably neater. All I had to do was a little basic sweeping. I made her bed for good measure and then searched in her closet for the duffel bag she had told me about. I found it in the second drawer, along with a bunch of pictures from her childhood.