by Naomi Niles
“They met in graduate school,” I decided. “They were both in their late twenties and had both gotten out of bad marriages. They fell in love and got married a few years later. He became an executive in a big firm and she became an architect. They have two children, both girls. They lost each other a little while their children were growing up, but they fought to stay together. Neither one wanted to go through another divorce.
“But things settled once their daughters went off to college. They re-connected and decided not to take each other for granted any longer. That’s why they come to Venice Beach every week. Just to sit together, talk, and enjoy some conversation.”
Kami smiled. “That’s quite the story.”
“I thought so.”
“What if their story is completely different?”
I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter,” I said. “Everyone’s stories has a little happiness in it and a little sadness, too. If nothing else, I try to get that right. No one’s life is perfect, no matter how perfect it might seem.”
“That’s true,” she nodded. “If you saw me walking down the street, would you have made a story for me?”
“I might have,” I admitted. “Actually, if I’m being honest, I kind of did, after your appointment with me.”
“Really?” Kami asked, looking at me in surprise.
I laughed. “A small one.”
“Tell me.”
“You won’t get mad?”
She gave me a small smile. “I’ll try to resist the urge,” she said. “But that depends on the story you’ve concocted.”
“I thought to myself, this is a woman who has had a hard life. She’s been beaten down so many times that she’s believed her bullies. I imagined that you were married young and you were madly in love with your husband. But he betrayed your trust and made you feel like you were worthless, that you were less than. And because you loved him so much, you believed him. Even after you left him, his words stayed with you. And that’s ultimately what led you to my office that day.”
Kami nodded slowly, taking in the story.
“You’re not mad, are you?” I asked.
She looked up at me and shook her head. “That was a pretty good story.”
“It was?” I asked incredulously.
She laughed. “I didn’t mean like that,” she clarified. “I meant that it was good in that it was pretty close to the truth. I was never married, though. But I did have a boyfriend who put me down and made me feel worthless. And you’re right; I thought I loved him, so I believed everything he told me.”
“Did you really love him?”
“Love is a complicated thing, isn’t it?” Kami said, with her eyes looking out towards the sea. “It’s such a big word. It’s such a powerful word and yet… it’s so hard to define. It’s hard to know and understand. It’s not something concrete; it’s not something that can be quantified.”
“No, I suppose it’s not,” I agreed. “But I do feel that the power of love is in its mystery. I do believe that only when you experience true and pure love can you be sure of it.”
“Have you been sure?” Kami asked softly.
“I’m sure of the love I had for my father,” I nodded. “And the love I have for my brothers. That is a pure love, and I understand it completely.”
“But that’s family,” she said. “That is easier to define and understand because our instinct with family is to love first and question later. I love my mother and my sister, and that will never change. That’s easy. What happens with a stranger, with someone who walks into your life and takes you by surprise?”
“I suppose you’re talking about romantic love.”
“I am,” Kami nodded. “Just because you believe you love someone doesn’t mean that you do. Maybe it means that you’re naïve, or immature, or vulnerable. Maybe it’s your mind trying to convince yourself of something you don’t feel.”
“I think in some cases, that is true,” I nodded. “Maybe even in most cases. But the fact is, love is something that’s supposed to build you up. It’s something that’s supposed to make you feel safe, appreciated, and cherished. If that’s not what you’re feeling, then chances are the person you’re with doesn’t love you.”
Kami nodded slowly. “When I was with Stuart… I hadn’t been in a relationship for a long time. We just sort of fell into it and for a while there, things were actually going okay.
“But then…it changed. I don’t know why it changed. Maybe he got comfortable, or maybe I just started noticing, but he would send these little jibes in my direction. They were little things at first, comments about my hair or my legs or my breasts. And at the time, I just thought he was being honest with me. And my first thought was, ‘My God, this man sees all my flaws, and he wants to be with me all the same.’ I actually believed it was a good thing.”
“When did you stop seeing it as a good thing?”
“When the comments became insults,” she admitted. “When the insults became abuse. When Stuart started reminding me of my father.”
“How did it end?”
“Haley,” Kami replied, with a small smile. “She came home one day and heard Stuart yelling at me. Up until that point, I had kept her in the dark about the way Stuart treated me. She got so mad; she barged into my room and screamed until she was red in the face. Then she kicked him out.”
“And he went?”
“Not quietly,” Kami replied. “But he went. After he was gone, Haley sat me down and talked at me for an hour. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. But when the hour was up, she had convinced me to end the relationship.”
I smiled. “She’s a good sister.”
“The best,” I nodded. “I wasn’t sure I could have ended it if not for Haley. It’s always been like that with us. She’s strong when I’m not, and vice versa. I was the one who usually stood up to our father, but it was mostly because I knew that for some reason, Haley wasn’t able to. She stepped up with Stuart because she knew I wouldn’t be able to.”
“It’s good you have each other.”
Kami nodded, but her eyes looked sad. “That’s what I thought, too. But sometimes I think…”
“Yes?”
“Sometimes I think it’s not enough.”
“What do you mean?”
“We need more than just each other, JJ,” Kami tried to explain. “We need lives outside of work and each other. We need other relationships. We’ve created this bubble for ourselves, and we rarely go outside of it. I am equally to blame for that. It’s comforting being in a bubble sometimes. Nothing painful can touch you.”
I came to a stop and turned to face Kami. “Nothing good can touch you, either,” I said, as I grazed my fingers across her cheek.
She smiled. “I suppose that’s true.”
“Nothing is black and white, Kami,” I said. “If you live your life out in the open, then there’s a good chance you can get hurt. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth the risk. Because it means you’re exposing yourself to the good things too. If you hadn’t stepped out of your bubble, we might never have met.”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about that too,” she said.
“And?” I prompted.
Kami smiled. “I’m so grateful to have met you.”
I bent down and kissed her gently on the lips. Our hands were linked, and I felt her slide into me instinctively. Her body fit perfectly against mine, and I had the urge to pull her still closer. I had to forcibly remind myself that we were in a public place. I pulled away slightly, and we continued our walk down the boardwalk.
We ate ice creams cones by the ocean and dipped our feet into the water. With gentle waves lapping at our feet, I kissed Kami until our lips were raw.
“It’s late,” I said, forcing myself to be the gentleman I had always prided on being. “You must want to get back to the hospital.”
“I do,” Kami nodded. “But not just yet. I want to stay with you a while longer.”
I smiled. “Y
ou can stay with me for as long as you want.”
“Can we go to your place?”
I bent down and kissed her forehead. “We most certainly can.”
Chapter Thirty
Kami
JJ’s apartment was small and typically male. There were no personal touches around the place, no color apart from the monotone shades of brown, beige, and white, and no pictures lying around. A few of his things were strewn about, but I could tell that his presence here was only temporary. This was just a place he was renting out. It wasn’t his home.
I tried not to think about his real home or when he would be getting back to it. What I needed now was to simply be with him and enjoy the time we did have together. JJ turned one light on in the living room, but he didn’t have time to turn on the rest.
“Where’s your bedroom?” I asked.
“Just down that way,” he replied, gesturing in that general direction. “This apartment has only one bedroom. I didn’t need another.”
I linked my fingers with his and pulled him towards his bedroom. He followed me willingly, and I could sense the anticipation of what was to come settle between us. We had slept together twice now, once at the beach and once in my apartment. Both times had been passionate, wild, and somewhat chaotic. Both experiences had been intoxicating, earth shattering, and wonderful.
But that’s not what I wanted this time around. I wanted to take things slow. I didn’t want to lose myself in the moment. Rather, I wanted to discover new things about JJ, new things about his body and about my own.
For the first time, the thought of being naked was something I welcomed. In fact, I realized I was actually looking forward to being naked with JJ. I still had certain vulnerabilities, but they weren’t attached to fear, at least not tonight.
The room was masked in shadow, but there was light streaming in from the drawn blinds at the window. JJ seemed to be thinking the same thing because he made no move to turn on the bedroom lights. He just closed the door behind us and walked close to the bed where I stood. His beautiful hazel eyes were drenched in shadow so that I couldn’t see their exact color, but they were still bright with expression.
He bent his head to mine and kissed me softly on the lips, as though kissing me for the first time. I sighed and moved my body closer into his. He responded by placing both his hands on my hips, anchoring me against him. After a moment, I placed my hands on his chest and pushed myself away from him. He watched me as I pulled my shirt off without taking my eyes off his.
He seemed to understand what I wanted; he mimicked my action and removed his own shirt. His body was lean and firm. His chest muscles were perfectly defined, and his abs created perfect little ridges along his stomach. He had just the lightest dusting of chest hair that was more gold than brown under the shadows. I stared at the curves of his biceps as I unzipped my jeans and pulled them down and off around my ankles.
JJ followed my lead and pushed down his own, baggier jeans. He was wearing tight boxers that hugged his hips and thighs. I could see the swell of his cock pushing against the material of his boxers and knew I was doing that to him. It gave me the confidence I needed to remove my bra and slip off my panties.
He didn’t remove his boxers immediately. His eyes were fixed on my body with a sense appreciative fervor. I had a little moment of self-consciousness where I wanted to shield my body with my hands, but then my eyes met his again and the feeling passed.
He pulled off his boxers and finally, he was as naked as I was. His cock stood at attention and I was struck by how very beautiful it was. I longed to go to him, I wanted so badly to slide that cock into my mouth, but I wanted to admire him for a moment.
In the end, he approached me. His mouth came down over mine and his hands traveled up and down the length of my back before finally landing on my ass. He touched me gently, his fingers soft and careful on my skin as though he were scared I would break. Then he lifted me up into his arms and carried me to the bed.
He placed me down in its center and climbed on top of me. His tongue traveled over my neck, my breasts, and my nipples. He sucked on my left nipple gently until I was wet and then slowly, he eased himself inside me. I let out a breath of relief as he entered me, conscious of how wonderful it was to be filled, to feel whole after so long feeling hollow.
JJ moved slowly, so that I could feel each stroke deep inside me. I stared at his face as he moved inside me.
His eyelashes were a dark brown, much darker than the clear hazel of his eyes. But every now and then, I spotted a golden lash that winked down at me. His nose was perfect, long, straight, and noble. And his lips, those lips could inspire the greatest cynic into poetry. I stared up at him, drinking in his image, hoping that I would never have cause to forget it.
After a few minutes, JJ lifted my leg up and placed it over his shoulder. Then he adjusted himself so that he could push deeper inside me. I moaned as the new position offered more complicated and more thrilling sensations into the fold. His hand found mine, and our fingers entwined together as he continued to fuck me in ever increasing speeds.
Slowly, he grabbed a hold of my torso and rolled onto his back so that I was on top. I adjusted myself on top of him, and with my hands on his chest, I rode him slowly. His eyes rolled back in his head, and his hands snaked upwards toward my breasts. He squeezed them both as I moved faster on top of him, thrilling in how deep he was inside me. It almost felt as though something would be missing if he were to pull out of me now.
I leaned down so that I could kiss him. My breasts were pressed up against his chest and our hands were linked together as we both started moving in rhythm with each other.
And, it was sometime between the beginning and end of my climax that I realized something. I realized that JJ had been right about love. Love was something that you could only be sure of once you experienced it in its purest and truest form.
I had believed that I loved Stuart, but that had been a lie. This was not. This was different from anything I had ever experienced before.
I could not speak for JJ; I had no idea how he felt. I had no idea if he shared my feelings. All I knew was that for the first time in all my thirty years, I was finally experiencing what it was like to be in a real relationship. I was finally beginning to understand what real love felt like.
And real love was all encompassing. It was every good feeling in the world. It was about an intrinsic connection that you had with one other person and no one else. It was about trust and safety and lust and passion and heat and tenderness. It was bigger than either one of us, and as much as it scared me, it also made me hopeful.
Because there were people who never experienced anything close. They lived their entire lives never knowing what true love really is. But I knew now. I had experienced it.
And even if at some point, it disappeared from my life, I knew I had still come closer than many others had, including my mother. I had experienced it, and I would always be grateful for that.
I came with my lips pressed against JJ’s chest and my hands tangled around his. A few seconds later, he came, too, and we lay like that, wrapped in each other with the smell of sex flowing around us. Once our breathing had slowed, I eased myself off of him and wiped between my legs. I wiped the drops of cum from the edge of JJ’s penis, and then I leaned down against his chest and savored in the strong, masculine scent of him.
I listened to his heartbeat and traced patterns on his chest. Every once in a while he would kiss the top of my head, as though to let me know that he wasn’t asleep.
“I never asked how your Thanksgiving was,” I said quietly. “Before I ruined it.”
I wasn’t sure how, but I could sense that he was smiling. “It was good,” he replied thoughtfully. “But I’ll have to admit, it wasn’t the same.”
“What do you mean?”
“Things are changing,” he explained. “Before it used to be just us boys, mucking around and having our fun. Now two of my brothers have found partn
ers and our group is bigger. The dynamic is different.”
“And, you miss how things used to be?” I asked.
“No,” he replied. “Actually, I don’t. What I’m trying to say is that it makes me want the same thing. It makes me want what my brothers have. Seeing Alan and Jessica, seeing Peter and Madison this past weekend… it just made me miss you more.”
I turned my face up to his and smiled. “You missed me?”
“Like crazy,” JJ nodded. “I kept wishing you were there. I kept imagining you talking to Peter, laughing at Sam, exchanging stories with Madison and Jessica. I kept seeing you with my family…and it fit. It made sense.”
“You really think they would like me?”
“They would love you,” JJ nodded with confidence. “Maybe one day…you’ll meet them?”
I smiled. “Maybe,” I nodded. “One day.”
“I would like that,” he said, rubbing his hand up and down my back.
I pulled back and sat up a little.
“Where are you going?” JJ asked, reaching out to me.
“Just down here,” I said, slinking down between his feet. “I’ve been wanting to do this ever since the moment you dropped your trousers.”
Then I bent my head down and slid the length of his cock into my mouth. This was what it meant to be in a real relationship. You did things because you wanted to, not because you were expected to. I heard JJ moan and I braced myself for the second round.
Chapter Thirty-One
JJ
“Whoa,” Haley said as she stepped through the door. “I think we’re in the wrong house.”
I smiled. “I did a little cleaning when I was over picking up Kami’s things.”
Kami walked past Haley and I to the living room. She looked around in shock and then she turned her awe-struck gaze on me. “You did all this?”
“I hope you don’t mind,” I said.
“Mind?” Haley repeated. “I’m about to lock the door and never let you leave.”
I laughed. “I just wanted you two to come home to a nice, neat house.”