by Naomi Niles
Sam didn’t answer me. His eyes were fixed on the women behind me and I knew he was looking at Mom and connecting memories with the reality in front of him.
“Sam,” I said. “This is Kami, and her sister Haley. And this is—”
“I know who this is,” he interrupted, without taking his eyes off our mother.
I felt my nerves inch up a little as Sam took a step towards her. Mom was looking at Sam as though she were seeing the sun for the first time. It was like she was drinking him in, memorizing his face for every little detail.
“Sam,” she said softly, and Sam flinched at the sound of her voice. “It’s been so long… Can you ever forgive me for leaving?”
It was a bold way to start the conversation, but I understood her need to get it out of the way. I knew she didn’t want to pretend as though this was just another ordinary meeting.
“I… I…” Sam seemed unable to get the words out.
“I don’t expect you to answer me right now,” she said. “In fact, I would prefer you answer that after I give you my explanation.”
Sam glanced at me and then to our mother again. “You’re really here.” I could sense the emotion in his tone.
“I am,” she smiled, and her smile was breathtaking. “Please understand that you reserve the right to say no, but… Can I have a hug?”
Sam paused for a moment and then his face relaxed into an amazed smile. “Yes,” he nodded as he took a step forward and embraced her.
It was a more emotional meeting than I had anticipated from Sam, but it gave me hope. We walked through the airport together, and Sam tried to make conversation with Haley and Kami. But he kept looking at mum distractedly and I really couldn’t blame him. We spent the drive talking about general things, nothing too heavy or personal.
Haley helped a lot with the silences, and before long, we didn’t even have to try to keep the conversation going. When we finally stopped outside the house, Mom peered through the window and stared up at it as though she were seeing a ghost.
“It looks different,” she whispered.
“We made changes,” Sam said. “Well, it was mostly JJ and Pete… But I helped whenever I could.”
“You have made changes,” Mom nodded. “All good ones from where I’m sitting.”
“Come on,” I encouraged. “Let’s go in.”
“Ah… Wait,” she said quickly, and I turned in my seat to look back at her. “Can I ask a favor of you?”
“Of course,” Sam answered before I could.
“JJ, Sam… I would like the two of you to go inside and tell your brothers that I’m here. I want them to be prepared. And, I think… I need a moment, too.”
Sam and I glanced at each other and nodded in unison. “Sure, Mom,” I said willingly. “You sit tight, then?”
“I’ll stay with you, Alice,” Kami offered.
“No, darling,” she replied, putting her hand on Kami’s knee. “Thanks for the offer, but you should go inside with them. I insist.”
Not wanting to push, Kami nodded and followed Sam, Haley, and I into the house. Loud cheers greeted us as Alan, Peter, Jessica, and Madison came around the corner from the kitchen. Alan and Pete rushed forward with their ready embraces.
Peter gave me a small wink as he hugged me. “She’s pretty.”
I smiled. “I know,” I whispered back to him.
After the introductions were made, Madison and Jessica ushered us all into the living room. “We might be running out of living space,” Alan joked as everyone, except Sam and myself sat down.
“What are you two doing in that corner?” Peter demanded. “Take a seat and tell us all about California.”
“Umm… Actually, I was hoping to have a word with you and Alan,” I said.
Both Alan and Peter exchanged curious glances with their respective partners. If I hadn’t been so nervous, I might have felt more amused.
“Sure,” Alan nodded. “Shall we go to the addition?”
“Great,” Sam said impatiently. “I’ll lead the way.”
“Excuse us, ladies,” Peter said in his gentlemanly manner. Then we all headed to the new addition together. The moment the door closed behind us, Peter turned to me with a puzzled expression on his face.
“So, what’s up?”
“I have a…surprise for you.”
“A surprise?” Alan repeated. “Sounds ominous.”
“It’s not,” I said quickly, glancing at Sam.
Peter frowned. “Sam knows about the surprise.”
“He picked us up.”
“What?”
“Mom’s here!” Sam blurted out, obviously impatient with my soft approach to revealing her presence.
“What?” Alan balked.
“She’s here…as in…here?” Peter asked, in shock.
“Surprise,” I said sheepishly.
“Where is she?” Peter asked, looking around urgently.
“Waiting in the car,” Sam replied. “She wanted us to give you two a head’s up first.”
“She’s really here?” Alan said, in amazement.
“Do you want to meet her?” I asked.
“What kind of stupid question is that?” Peter asked, but I could detect a note of anticipation in his tone.
“Wait right here,” I said. “I’ll bring her in.”
I went out to the car and brought her over to the addition. Just before we walked through the door, she reached out and held my hand, as though to steady herself. Finally, she nodded. “Okay,” she said. “I’m ready now.”
I opened the door and we walked in together. Peter and Alan turned around sharply and their expressions were filled with awe and wonder. Mom looked as though she were about to cry happy tears. She held their gaze for a moment and then her face broke out into a huge warm smile.
“My boys,” she said. “I can’t believe after so long, I’m actually standing in front of you.”
She walked up to Peter first and put a hand on his face. Again, it looked as though she were trying to commit his features to memory. Then she hugged him tenderly and repeated the process with Alan.
“Where’s Talon?” she asked, glancing around the room.
“He’s…not here,” Peter said hesitantly. “He’s sort of a wild card. He comes and goes when he pleases.”
“Oh,” she replied. She recovered quickly, however, and turned to us with a fierce kind of determination emblazoned in her eyes. “I have something very important to say to you all. I want to say that I’m sorry for how I left, and I’m sorry for what it looked like. But I also want you to know that I did what I thought was best at the time. And most importantly, I did what I did to protect you.”
“Protect us?” Peter repeated.
“I have a story to tell you,” she replied. “I’ve explained it all to John, but I need to explain it all to you now…. with your permission.”
There was a murmur of assent that went through the room and Mom smiled. She sat down, and we all followed her lead. I sat there as she launched into the story of her past. I sat through it for the second time in a week, and it still had the same bone-chilling effect on me. It was a longer story this time around because everyone kept interrupting with questions. But Mom seemed more than happy to answer all of them.
She took her time; she explained every part of the tale. She talked us through the death of our grandfather and her marriage to our father. She told us about how she discovered she was being followed again and the fear that clutched at her when she realized she wasn’t really safe anymore – and neither were we.
Everyone listened with awe-struck expressions, and slowly, I began to see understanding dawn on their faces. Finally, we had our explanation – and it was a good one.
“That’s why you left,” Alan breathed. “It wasn’t because you didn’t love us.”
“Of course not, my darling,” Mom said, with emotion. “I loved you all dearly. I just knew I had a death sentence hanging over my head. And I knew that if I s
tayed, that sentence would be passed onto you all. How could I do that to my five precious boys? How could I stay when it put you in danger?”
Peter reached out and took Mom’s hand. “I’ve been angry at you for a long time,” he said softly. “But I’m not anymore.”
“I deserved your anger,” she said. “You were only children, and I abandoned you all.”
“For a good reason,” Sam said quickly.
“But you didn’t know that,” she said. “I gave you no explanation. I just disappeared with a transparent excuse about a sick aunt. And as justified as my reasons might have been, your anger is just as justified. I love you all enough to know that and to accept it.”
She looked around the room at all of us and I could see the weight lift from her shoulders as she realized that not only had we accepted her, but also we had welcomed her back.
“Can you forgive me for leaving you?” she asked softly.
We nodded together. She smiled and continued. “And, can you forgive me for not coming back immediately after that vile man was put away for life?” she asked. “I know I probably should have, but… I was scared. And I was weak.”
“You’ve been through a lot, Mom,” Peter said. “The least we can do is forgive you this.”
“Peter,” she whispered, looking into his face. “My Peter… You were always so brave, so strong, and so adult. You’re like your father that way.”
“You know that he—”
“I know,” she said, saving him from finishing the sentence. “I mourned his death for a long time. But I know he would have been proud of you boys. And, I know he would have loved this moment right here. The only thing that would complete it would be Talen.”
When Mom was looking the other way, I glanced at Peter. Talen was the only one who was completely in the dark about my search for our mother. We had just run out of time – he would have to be told as soon as possible. I took a deep breath and hoped for the best.
But for right now, I let myself bask in the glory and contentment of the moment. We had found our missing branch. After years of being fractured, our family tree was finally starting to fill out again.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Kami
The tree looked bright and beautiful, decked out as it was in color and lights. We had decided to go traditional with the decorations and stick with red, green, and a dash of white for some contrast. The tree was natural and the boys had done a good job picking the right one. It fit snugly into one corner of the living room, with it’s glittering red star just reaching the top of the ceiling.
I stared at it, feeling the Christmas Spirit engulf me wholly, for perhaps the first time in my life. Haley and I had never had one like this before.
Our father hated anything that we loved, and though Mom tried to put on a brave face for us, her act was not always convincing. I missed her this Christmas, but I felt myself let go of the weight that made me look back into the past, too. I needed to look forward. I needed to embrace my life and all the changes that were coming. For the first time, I was actually looking forward to change.
Haley and I got along great with Madison and Jessica, both of whom were simple girls from humble beginnings. Alice fit in, too, and though most of her time was devoted to her sons, she had started to refer to us as the daughters she’d never had but always wanted.
I was in the kitchen, making Christmas dinner with all the girls. After it had been decided that the women would cook that night, I had been appointed as head chef with everyone else as my sous chefs. It was the first time I had a band of happy helpers, and I found that I actually liked it.
Once most of the preparations had been made, I excused myself to JJ’s room to shower and change for our special dinner. I chose a sleeveless red dress in the spirit of Christmas and kept my hair loose around my shoulders. I was heading back to the living room when I noticed Sam standing outside on the back porch. He seemed to be deep in thought, but there was a melancholy about him that made me walk outside to see if he was okay.
“Sam?” I said.
He turned around as though I had startled him.
“Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“You didn’t,” he said quickly. “I was just…thinking.”
“Oh,” I nodded. “Anything you’d like to talk about?”
He hesitated a moment and then he glanced at me. “Well, it’s just… There’s been a lot of changes recently,” he said at last. “It feels like everything is changing.”
I smiled because he sounded so much like me. “You don’t like change?”
“No, it’s not that,” he said quickly. “There’s just a lot to take in…a lot to adjust to, you know. Alan’s getting married, Pete’s moved in with Madison, JJ’s moving away and now… Mom’s back.”
“How are you feeling about that?” I asked, hoping not to scare him with my questions.
“It’s hard not to love her,” he said softly.
“I agree,” I nodded. “And, she’s not even my mother.”
“You know her story, don’t you?”
“I do,” I nodded.
“As far as reasons go, she has a good one,” Sam sighed. “I know I should be grateful that she’s back in my life. I should be content with what I have, but…”
“It’s hard to forget those missing years?”
“Yes!” he nodded. “Yes, exactly. Am I being unreasonable?”
“I don’t think so,” I assured him. “It’s a huge adjustment, and it’s not something you’re going to be able to get used to overnight. The important thing to remember is to try.”
“I am trying,” he nodded. “And, I want to get to know her again, but a part of me is scared.”
“Of what exactly?” I pressed.
“I’m not sure, really,” he said, shrugging his broad shoulders. “Maybe I’m scared of losing her again.”
“Oh, Sam,” I said, as I put my hand on his shoulder. “I don’t think fear ever really goes away. No matter what we do or where we go, fear’s just a part of life.”
He nodded. “I was talking to Haley this morning…”
“Oh?”
“She told me a little about your mother,” he said cautiously.
“Yes…”
“That must have been difficult to live through.”
“It was terrifying,” I said. “I don’t know how I would have managed without Haley.”
“She said she didn’t know how she would have survived without you,” he smiled.
I smiled. “We balance each other out,” I told him. “Kind of like you and your brothers. We’re both similar in that our parents weren’t really around, but at least we had great siblings who made up for that.”
“I guess that’s true,” Sam nodded. “Everyone’s moving on now.”
“Don’t think of it like that,” I told him. “Your brothers lives are expanding, that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for you, too. Who knows? Maybe one day you’ll meet someone and want to start a family of your own.”
Sam scoffed at that. “Please,” he said. “That’s not going to happen.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Because I know myself,” he said seriously. “I’m not a one woman kind of guy.”
I raised my eyebrows in amusement. “Hmm, is that so?”
“That is so,” he said confidently.
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll take your word for it.”
We were interrupted as the back door opened and JJ stuck his head out. “There you are,” he said to me. “I was looking all over for you. Sam, I thought I’d told you that stealing other men’s girlfriends was bad form.”
Sam smirked. “What can I say? Kami was interested in the upgraded version of you.”
“Please, she’s happy with what she has,” JJ said, falling into step beside me.
“Umm, that’s not what she just told me,” Sam said, giving me a wink. “She was actually complaining about how useless you are in
bed.”
I laughed. “For the record, I said no such thing.”
“I know,” JJ smiled. “Sam’s a liar.”
“Sam’s the innocent in all this,” Sam said, rushing to his own defense. “Kami’s the one who came to me.”
“Really?” JJ asked, with raised eyebrows. “According to Peter, you were accusing Madison of the same thing last week. And the week before that, it was Jessica.”
Sam shrugged. “Can I help it if your girlfriends picked the wrong brother and then immediately regret the decision the moment they see me? Umm…no.”
JJ laughed and mock punched Sam on the shoulder. “Get out of here. Peter wants you in the hall.”
“Does he want to compare cocks?” Sam asked. “Because there’s no contest.”
JJ rolled his eyes. “You are too much.”
“That’s why the ladies love me.” Sam winked, as he disappeared into the house.
JJ laughed away his brother’s lewd comments and then turned to me. “Hey, you,” he said, his hazel eyes were bright with affection. “I haven’t seen you much today.”
“That’s because I was cooking.”
“You should have got someone else to cook,” JJ said. “You do far too much cooking as it is.”
“No, I love cooking,” I reminded him. “And, I genuinely had a great time in the kitchen today with your mom and the girls.”
“I heard all the laughter,” JJ nodded. “It was nice to hear. We didn’t even need music.”
I shook my head at him. “You are a charmer.”
He winked at me. “I have to be,” he said. “Otherwise, Sam will steal you away.”
I laughed. “He is a handsome boy,” I nodded. “In fact, all your brothers look like they’ve won some sort of gene pool contest. I’ve never seen so many good-looking men in one room before.”
“But I’m still the best looking, right?” JJ winked.
I smiled. “I might be a little biased, but yes, I think so.”
JJ leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips. I felt a little tingle spread through my body, and it amazed me how much I still craved him, despite getting my daily fix.
We had been in Fort Collins now for three nights, and each had been spent in adventurous sex before we finally fell into an exhausted sleep. I’d wake up the next morning, and JJ and I would inevitably end up in yet another passionate half hour of vigorous lovemaking before we joined everyone for breakfast. And after all that, I still wanted him. It was like my body was made for his.