She got all the way home before she realized she hadn’t thought about...him. Until now, dork. Sitting in the parking lot, she pulled out her phone. No new messages. She pulled up the log. She still had all his texts. She should delete them. Was this the twenty-first century’s version of old love letters stuffed in a shoe box, undeleted texts? Shaking her head, she hit the Back button to close it down but accidentally opened a new text box. Composing and deleting about five texts, she hit the Back button again and threw the phone into her purse with a frustrated growl.
“Come on, woman,” she said out loud. “Pull yourself together. Why are you sitting out here trying to text a man who doesn’t want you around when you could be inside taking this damned bra off?”
* * *
“I’M NOT SURE I want to do this here,” DeShawn said as he looked around the conference room at the Cleaning Crew office on Saturday morning. It was empty. Quiet. Too many good memories here.
“I thought it would be a good, private spot,” Sadie said. “And don’t underestimate the home turf advantage.”
He shrugged. “Well,” he said. “I’m not sure I want the memories of all the good times here tainted.”
Sadie frowned. “Shit,” she said, then tapped her lips with her fingertips. “Damn it, I’m not supposed to swear so much anymore. Jules. It’s a bad example. Anyway, that’s a fair point. Want me to call Gretchen? Arrange for another place?”
He pointed a thumb toward the front entrance. “I think it’s too late. I just heard a car pull up.”
Sadie stood. “Come on.”
“Where?”
“We’ll do it in my office. It’s big enough. Go back there. Grab a couple of chairs from the reception room on your way. I’ll bring them back to you.” She pursed her lips and whistled. Jack, her shaggy black-and-white dog, came padding in from the kitchen. “Go with DeShawn, Jack.”
It still didn’t feel quite right, but as he grabbed the chairs and got settled in Sadie’s office, it felt better than the conference room. That room was full of memories of laughter, pranks and too many Friday night dinners to count.
Jack came over and rested his head on DeShawn’s thigh. “Stick with me, okay, buddy? I’m not sure I can do this,” DeShawn murmured as he scratched the dog behind the ears. Jack looked up at him and let out a tiny little whine. He took that as an agreement. He went cold at the sound of voices in the hall. Sadie. Gretchen. And not speaking, but surely there, his mother.
He shifted in the chair and reached down to put his hand on Jack’s neck. The dog lifted his head but stayed beside him, pressed against his thigh.
The door opened. Sadie stood in the doorway. “You ready?”
“Yeah, let’s get it over with,” he said quietly.
Gretchen, the sponsor, turned out to be a slightly overweight older woman who looked like she could be related to Molly. Her warm smile made him feel a fraction better. He dropped his gaze to the floor as Denise came in.
“Okay,” Gretchen said in a calming voice. “I know this is awkward, so let’s just acknowledge that and start from there.”
Sadie pulled her chair from behind the desk and sat beside DeShawn. Gretchen and Denise sat facing them. Jack leaned in closer and DeShawn’s fingers tightened in the thick fur. Gretchen cleared her throat.
“I’m sorry for what I did last time I saw you, DeShawn,” Denise said. “It was wrong and unhelpful.”
Snorting out an angry laugh, DeShawn shook his head. “Wrong and unhelpful. That’s all you have to say?”
“No. Actually, I have a lot to say.”
Her tone was hot and Gretchen put a hand on her thigh. “Deep breath. Focus on why you are here. To complete your next step.”
Denise looked down and fiddled with the hem of her shirt. DeShawn looked her over almost clinically. How could she be his mother? He had not one positive feeling or memory of her. Sadie was right. It was time to let the hope for a magical fix die.
“I wanted to apologize and admit to the wrongs I did to you,” Denise said. She began slowly. She kept her eyes on her knees while her fingers worked the fabric of her shirt. “I was worse than a bad mother—I was no mother at all. I didn’t care for you properly. I hurt you with my behavior.”
She paused and peeked up at him. He kept his face neutral. No anger. No sympathy. But his heart was pounding so hard, he was sure Sadie could hear it. He could actually feel his palms go slick with sweat. He slid his fingertips through it as he watched his mother say what she had to say.
Sadie was silent but shifted a little in her chair so her shoulder was just touching his.
“Everything you ever said about me is true,” Denise said. “I didn’t care about anyone or anything except getting my next fix. If it hadn’t been for your grandmother, you probably would have died when you were a baby. And, yes, I was horrible to her. I used the threat of harming you to blackmail her into giving me drug money when I had reached rock bottom. I’m ashamed of these things. I’m sorry.”
Silence fell. That’s it? That’s all she has to say about it? The anger rose but he struggled to keep it from showing. He wasn’t fooling Jack though, who put his head back on DeShawn’s thigh with another small whine. He felt cold. Frozen. When he blinked, he could hear it. He realized he wasn’t breathing. He forced himself to draw in in a slow, steady breath and hold it deep down in his belly. When he let it go, it was measured, under control.
“DeShawn?” Gretchen asked. “Anything you’d like to say?”
Sadie shifted so that her shoulder was more firmly in contact with his. What she was trying to convey, he didn’t know. “Yes,” he said. “I do have a question.” His voice sounded so composed. Strange, that. It was the exact opposite of how he felt inside. “What the hell was that?”
“What?” both Gretchen and Denise asked in unison.
“All that washed-over bullshit you just served up to me like a sandwich.” Anger grew as the words began to pour out, getting hotter and hotter as he spoke. “You almost killed me. I was septic from the open sores from diaper rash. I was six months old and I was in the hospital, almost dead. Momma G had made funeral arrangements. Don’t you get that? The doctors don’t know how I survived. And you say ‘I didn’t care for you properly’?”
“I said you would have died without your grandmother, yes,” she said. “I know how bad I was.”
“What about the time you pulled me out of bed when I was...when I was ten and told Momma G you were taking me to the meth house to sell me to men? You remember that? Because I spent two nights in that house in sheer terror because I knew what you meant. You... And then you... You pass it off as being at ‘rock bottom’? That’s the most self-serving line I have ever heard.”
Sadie leaned in. “DeShawn,” she said softly.
Gretchen raised a hand and spoke. “No, Ms. Martin,” she said. “DeShawn is right. Denise needs to hear this. She needs to face the full impact her behavior had on DeShawn. She needs this spotlight turned on her rationalizations. She has to acknowledge this. She has to accept that she did those things as a result of her drug use.”
“How am I supposed to even believe you?” He continued. “Last week you were out of control. Calling me selfish. Calling me all sorts of things. Implying that I was a bad person for bettering myself. You’re just jealous. All I’ve ever seen you do is try to drag people down. So you can justify yourself to yourself. It didn’t work with me. That’s what bothers you. I got out. I got away. You hate that.”
“Because that’s what I wanted for myself,” Denise whispered.
DeShawn leaned forward, placing his forearms on his knees. He caught his mother’s gaze. Holding it, he shook his head. “That is your problem. I have nothing to do with that. Nothing. Fix your own problems. I hope you do. I wouldn’t wish your life on anyone. But it’s your life. You did all this to yo
urself.”
“I know that. I really do.”
“Fine. I forgive you. But I really do not want to see or hear from you again. I am grateful you were strong enough to stay off drugs while you were pregnant and not completely screw up my brain. That’s all. Do you agree to this?”
“I want to try to be a mother to you.”
“It’s way too late for that. Way too late. Go. Be sober. Be happy. But stay away from me. I will get law enforcement involved if you even try. Understand?”
He didn’t wait for her answer, but rose and quietly left the room. He heard footsteps following behind him. Sadie. He walked faster.
“DeShawn. Stop it.”
He stopped in the kitchen and let Sadie catch up with him. She pulled him into a hug. “Are you okay?” she whispered in his ear.
“Was I horrible?”
“No. You told it like it was. You laid out your terms and expectations. You did well. Like you said. This is her mess to clean up. You gave her the courtesy of listening. You don’t owe her anything else.”
He let out a long breath and nodded. “I need to go.”
“Are you okay?”
“I need to take all this in. Saying those things stirred up a lot of stuff. I need to sift through it. Find a way to leave it behind for good.”
“Call me. Anytime. Day or night. I mean it.”
“I will.” He gave her a fierce hug. “You were right.”
She smiled at him. “If you guys would just realize that I am always right, we’d save a lot of time.”
The smile he gave her felt real. He kissed her quickly on the cheek and slipped out the back door. He had to get home.
* * *
HE SAT IN his car, in the parking lot of his apartment, aware that he had no memory of the drive home. Cutting off the engine, he stepped out. The sun was bright in his eyes and the air was decidedly warmer. Seemed wrong. Seemed like it should be the dead of night. Sunshine is the best disinfectant. He heard Momma G’s voice in his mind as clearly as if she was standing beside him. She’d say that every time he’d complain about having to hang towels and bedding out on the clothesline that ran through her dirt-and-weed backyard.
Was that it? He’d cracked open that old wound and let the sunshine in? He looked around with a sense of pride. He’d created this life. With only his grandmother, who’d not finished high school, pushing him on. Nothing nor no one was going to take any of his pride in reaching this stage of life away from him.
Inside, he paced around, unable to sit still. Finished up the breakfast dishes. Put on a load of laundry. Neatened up the living room. Dusted. Contemplated the vacuum. Finally, he sat on the couch and kicked off his shoes. Swinging he feet up on the coffee table, he let his head fall back. He’d expected to walk away full of rage and poison. But he hadn’t. He felt...he couldn’t put a finger on it. Not relieved. Not happy. It was quieter than that.
Maybe you’re just numb. In shock. Or denial. Maybe any minute now, it’s all going to come back. He waited. Nothing happened. He kept going through the entire conversation over and over again. How he started out with that burst of anger over her lame admission to wrongs and apology. But Gretchen’s words had encouraged him to continue to speak as he was. Raw. Unfiltered. She said Denise needed to hear the ugly truth. It had made him feel validated.
It wasn’t until he’d said he would use law enforcement to make her leave him alone that he realized he had fully accepted he would never have the family he wanted. He was on his own and he was okay with that.
The washing machine signaled the end of the cycle and he got up to put the load in the dryer. Halfway to the laundry room, he stopped. Peace. That’s what he was feeling. He was at peace. With the past. For the first time since she’d reached out to him, that free-floating dread was gone. For the first time since she had ambushed him on the sidewalk, the anger was gone.
It felt pretty good. He loaded the dryer and returned to the living room. The past was settled. What about the future? He sank down on the sofa and picked up his phone. Pulled up Tiana’s number. He stared at the Call button for a long time before swiping left and putting the phone down. No, man. That’s done. Just because you got your mother situation settled doesn’t change what she saw. Doesn’t change a thing.
He grabbed the phone and texted Malik to cancel their lifting session at the gym. After this morning, he felt justified in vegging out for the rest of the day. He found a stupid movie and was nodding off before the opening credits finished.
* * *
HE WOKE UP to a pounding on his door. Fumbling for the remote, he switched off the television and stood up. “Who is it?” he growled. For a brief moment, a fear flared that it was his mother and he’d have to make good on his promise to call the police.
“Sadie. Open the door, you idiot.”
He flung the door open. “What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong? I’ve sent you about twenty texts and called four times and I get nothing! I was afraid you were over here...”
“I fell asleep. I had the sound off on my phone. Jeez. What’d you think I was doing?”
“I don’t know. I’m glad you’re here. Hey—” She took off, exploring the apartment. “This place is nice. Granite countertops. Gas cooktop. I’m dying of jealousy here. I like Wyatt’s house. But the kitchen is unchanged since the ’60s.”
“I’m fine, Sadie. Today actually helped a lot. I’m at peace with it all now.”
She went down the hall and poked her head in the bathroom. “A full-size garden tub! That’s it. When we get married, we’re buying a new house.”
She came back to the living room and took his hand. “Come sit down.” She pulled him to the couch and pushed him down before sitting beside him. “Yes, you’re very at peace now. But it’s a process. You might not feel that way tomorrow. It took me a couple of months before my feelings about the confrontation with my mother settled down. I want you to know that it’s normal and okay. My offer still stands. I’m always here.”
“I really am okay. Formally cutting off my ties with my family was the right thing to do. I can’t be around them. Not the ones using or the ones who turn a blind eye to the drug use. I’ve got to build my own life.”
“Well, you’re off to a good start. Have you spoken to Tiana?”
He shook his head. “That’s over. And like I told you. She has a great family. The last thing she needs is me and my crazy-ass family. She didn’t see me at my best that day. She’s never going to let me be around her daughter now that they saw me screaming at my own mother and punching out my car.”
“Is there nothing to be done? Does she not understand where that came from?”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s over.”
“You loved her.”
“I did.”
“Did she love you?”
“We hadn’t gotten to the words yet, but I think so.”
“Then maybe give it another try?”
He shook his head again. “Family is the most important thing to her. I have nothing to offer her. I have no family.”
Sadie’s eyebrows came together in a scowl. “That’s a crock. You’re Crew. You have a family. Me. Josh. Wyatt. Jules. Mickie. Molly. Malik. Eric. We aren’t your family?”
“Yeah, but you know what I mean.”
“You’re full of shit. Family of choice is the strongest bond there is. Blood family is happenstance. You get born into one. Maybe it’s a good one. Maybe it’s not. But the family you chose because they love you, they believe in you, they support you? That’s a bond that will never break.” She stood up and pointed a finger at him. “You better remember that.”
He felt completely chastised. He’d taken the love she and the Crew had given him and treated it like nothing. “Wait,” he said, scrambling to his feet to cat
ch her at the door. “I’m sorry. You’re right.”
She smacked him on the arm. “I thought we settled this issue. I am always right. Always.”
He wrapped his arms around her. “Of course you are. I don’t know why I ever doubt you. Except that dude you’re marrying.”
She pushed him back. “What are you saying about Wyatt?”
“He’s kind of that suburban dad type, don’t you think? White bread. Like at forty, he’s going to give it all up and blimp out like the Pillsbury Doughboy? Go full dad bod?”
“You are uninvited to my wedding. Take all that back.”
He laughed. “I take it all back. Wyatt is a good guy. I love how happy he’s made you.”
She pointed at him. “Wyatt and I had some serious hurdles to get over before we could be together. Maybe you should think about whether you and Tiana can get over your hurdles.”
“Yeah, yeah. I hear you.” He spoke the words lightly enough, but they had hit him hard.
“What do you have to lose?”
“Sadie. Enough. I can’t fix every aspect of my life in one day. Let me get through this first.”
“Fair enough. But promise me you won’t rule it out.”
He held up his right hand. “I promise.”
After she left, he went to the kitchen and began rummaging around. He’d skipped lunch but wasn’t really hungry. In the freezer, he found a Tupperware dish with lasagna in it. That reminded him of Tiana. “Give it up,” he muttered as he popped the lid and tossed it in the microwave. Damn it, Sadie.
Because the peace was gone. It had been the situation with his mother buzzing his head like a mosquito. Now all he could see was Tiana’s face. Nowhere in this apartment was safe from memories of her. He’d pushed her away. Told her to go. What was he going to do now? Go crawling back? Beg for forgiveness like his mother had begged him? He shook his head. Tiana would send him packing. And he’d deserve it.
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