by Jack Wallen
One by one, the band members ascended the creaky, wooden stairs into a dark, musty room. When Turque joined them, he turned and pulled the stairs back up to their hidden position. A beam of light appeared from his hand.
“This way,” Tuque whispered.
The band fell into step behind and carefully walked across the wooden floor. A door opened. A woman in a pin-up, polka-dot dress waved the band onward, into yet another room. Once the door was pulled shut behind them, Tuque raised a pair of blinds to reveal the day-lit landscape.
In a panorama of horror, zombies stretched across the horizon – as far as the eye could see.
“Oh my God,” Kitty gasped. “What is going on?”
Tuque turned to address the band. “This happens every so often. No one knows for sure, but we think it’s the undead’s way of working together to find prey. If you stood on the roof, you’d see they completely encircle the area. There must be thousands of them. The only difference, this time, is…they’re much closer than usual.”
Kitty stepped in close to the window. “Jesus Christ. I’ve never seen anything so disturbing. What do we do?”
Tuque sighed. “That’s just it, there’s nothing we can do. If we take the fight to them, we’d wind up battling an entire legion of the damned. Personally, I don’t like those odds.”
“So…” Mike hesitated. “What are our options? Just sit around like a bunch of patsies and wait for the bullies to get bored?”
Tuque dropped a hand onto Mike’s shoulder. “I don’t think you understand the gravity of this situation. We are stuck here until they go away. Usually the going away would have already begun. For some reason, however, they keep hanging around.”
“Could it have been the music?” Kitty asked.
“Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the concentration of human scent? Or maybe just coincidence.”
“Or maybe it’s the puppet masters pulling a few new strings?” questioned Billy.
All eyes turned to Billy.
“You know, the Zero Day Collective being the puppet masters and we…”
“We get it, Billy. We’re just not buying it,” scoffed Todd.
“How can you not? Seriously, this has the ZDC drop ships written all over it.”
Everyone turned back to the windows and stared out.
“Regardless of how they got there,” Billy started, “we have to do something about this. I know, we can turn up the amps and unleash a bitter flood of rage-driven sound.”
“Oh sure, Billy,” Mike said and flipped Billy in the earlobe. “We crank up the stacks and draw in an entire city worth of undead monsters. That’ll be just perfect. Why don’t we rush out there and join them?”
“That’s it,” said Kitty.
Todd Flash shook his head. “I know that smile, Kitty. You’re up to no good.”
“Wrong, I’m up to every kind of good. Billy, remember that promo we did for the ‘Back to Thrill’ release?
“Which one?”
Kitty flashed a wicked grin. “The van ride.”
“Oh hell yeah. That’s brilliant.”
Tuque stepped in. “Would you two care to fill me in?”
“Actions speak much louder than words. And at the moment, loud is exactly what we need.” Kitty raced to the door back into the dusty room. She turned and tossed a glance at Billy.
“Well? What are you waiting for?”
Billy grinned. “Let’s rock.”
Tuque started after Kitty and Billy until Tom and Todd stopped him.
“It won’t work,” Todd started. “When Kitty sets her mind to something, nothing can stop her.”
“What are they going to do?”
Todd led Tuque back to the window to watch Kitty and Billy explode out of the bar and race to the van. As soon as they arrived, Kitty climbed into the back and Billy took the driver’s seat. Shortly after the van doors closed, a hatch on the roof opened and Kitty climbed out. From within the van she pulled a collapsible metal framework, opened it, and locked it into place on the roof. Again, Kitty reached into the van to retrieve another piece of equipment.
“A mic?” Tuque’s voice was laced with concern. “What is she planning?”
Kitty stepped into the framework and locked herself into place. She held the mic to her lips and shouted.
“Let’s roll!”
Before the van squealed out of the parking lot, ear-splitting music poured from a hidden sound system.
“Will someone please tell me what is going on?” Tuque shouted.
“She’s singing Back to Thrill,” Todd quipped.
Tuque glared at Todd; a look that was as much threat as it was demand. Todd finally caved.
“When we released Back To Thrill, Kitty and Billy drove the van around cities in Austria with Kitty on top singing the songs to a backing track. It was a mobile concert and everyone loved it. People would follow the van for blocks, shouting ‘We love you Kitty!’ It was brilliant. I have a feeling Kitty is about to re-create that moment in time.”
*
The van raced toward the wall of zombies. Kitty’s siren song called out to the undead, begged them to ‘come play’. As they approached, the moaners stopped swaying.
“Fresh brains,” Kitty announced during a brief instrumental break. “All you can eat, right here.”
Billy punched the gas and shouted.
“Hold on, Kitty, we’re about to breech the wall. It’s gonna get ugly.”
Kitty pocketed her mic and white-knuckle gripped the aluminum bracing. The music continued playing, without vocals.
The circle of zombies broke and a collection of moaners gathered near the apparent collision point of the van. Billy gave the gas another nudge before the modified front end of the vehicle crashed into the wall of flesh. In an instant, the area surrounding the van became a flood of gore. Thick, blackish-brown blood rained down. Chunks of fetid meat and bone flew past the vulnerable Kitty. She ducked and dodged, but couldn’t avoid the flood of rot. The smell threatened to raise a wash of bile into her mouth. It was all Kitty could do to keep her lips sealed tight.
Finally the van broke through the undead barrier. Kitty turned to see the entire horde giving chase.
“It worked,” Billy cried out from below. “You okay?”
“Other than the fact that I’m soaked to the bone with zombie gore, yeah.”
Billy laughed and then shouted, “Well, why not treat the zombies to a little Shake your Bones?”
The song danced out of the PA system. Kitty pulled her mic out, wiped the remaining death slop from her face, and sang.
As predicted, the zombies followed the sexy piper.
Billy continued on, not letting the van gain too much distance on the horde.
When the song was finished, Kitty called down to Billy, “I think it’s safe to lose them now.”
The van lurched forward and hit top speed within seconds. Kitty slid the hatch open, dropped back into the van, and took a seat next to Billy.
“Shise, Kitty,” Billy spoke through a pinched nose. “You smell like…”
“Death?” Kitty answered. “Yeah, I get that a lot.”
Kitty looked down and realized her top was coated with zombie.
“Oh God,” She cried. “I have to change.”
Kitty slipped into the back of the van and rummaged around for something to wear. She pulled open a box and dug into their merchandise.
“Merch,” Kitty cried out. “Jack pot.”
She returned to the front seat and presented her new top. “I’m not too proud to wear a Kitty in a Casket concert tee. This baby is made of 100% real cotton and will last until you die!”
Billy nodded. “We had some serious plans for world domination. It’s too bad the shit had to hit such a gigantic fan.”
Kitty’s eyes went wide and her finger pointed out an oncoming building. “What the hell? Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”
“I think so,” Billy said and brought the van to a stop. “
Didn’t Tuque mention this bar? Z-Pox; yeah, this is our competition. It looks…”
“Crowded. Shit, Billy, I have another idea. Are you up for a challenge?”
Billy nodded. “I am always up for a challenge.”
Kitty opened the passenger-side door and stepped out. “Then follow me.”
Within the walls of Z-Pox, the crowd was overwhelming. But even though they were packed, wall to wall, everyone seemed to mill about with ease and courtesy.
Kitty finally pointed toward a pianist perched behind a baby grand piano. Billy nodded and they made their way toward the stage. As soon as the song broke, Kitty hopped onto the stage and whispered to the piano man. He nodded. Kitty grabbed the stage mic and turned to the audience.
“Hello!”
The crowed offered a paltry reply.
“I said, Hello!”
The response grew in fever and pitch.
“How many of you would like to hear a song?” Kitty called out.
“We’ve been hearing them all day – just not the ones we want,” a strange man commented from the crowd.
Kitty smiled back at the pianist.
“Then how’s about we change that?”
From the piano, the old Stray Cat standard, Sexy and Seventeen shook. The pianist had a surprisingly strong grasp of rockabilly and played the song to the nines.
Kitty shook her head and turned to the audience with a grin. The second she started singing, the crowd was on its feet. The pianist roared through a raucous bridge as Kitty laid herself across the piano and struck a sultry pose. The crowd went mad.
The final chorus brought Kitty to a stand on the piano. When the song ended, shouts and whistles filled Z-Pox with a thunderous and wonderful noise. Kitty hopped down from the piano and blew a kiss to the musician. He winked back and returned to his usual set.
Kitty pulled the mic back up to her lips. “Thank you everyone. Thank you so much. My name is Kitty Casket. If you liked that little tune, you’ll go mad for my band, Kitty in a Casket. We’re playing live every night at the Last Casket.”
Cheers rang out again.
“I do hope you’ll all be there tonight to be a part of the Last Casket kickoff show.”
Kitty kissed the palm of her right hand and tossed the affection out over the crowd. Men and woman mimed catching the kiss and placing it on their lips. With a wink, Kitty was off the stage.
“That was brilliant,” Billy shouted over the noise.
“Come on, let’s get out of here before the owner of this place calls foul and does whatever these people do to rule breakers and rousers of rabble.”
Billy and Kitty effortlessly wove their way through the crowd. Strangers reached out to Kitty – a hand here, a pair of lips there. Everyone wanted a piece of the unofficially crowned post-apocalyptic princess. The clutching hands and wanton glances just missed getting a piece of Kitty. Before their luck could change, Billy and Kitty made their way through the exit. The fresh air invaded their lungs and brought out a peel of laughter.
“Damn, Kitty, you are ruthless. I didn’t know you had it in you?”
Kitty opened the passenger side door of the van and hopped in. “Crazy, huh?”
Billy fired up the vehicle and punched the gas. Within seconds, Z-Pox faded into the distance.
“I guess this means we better be ready to rock tonight?”
Kitty snapped a glance and a grin at her companion. “Billy, we are always ready to rock.”
*
Tuque was silent.
“What gives?” Kitty demanded. “I thought you’d be thrilled. The Casket will be filled tonight. Come on, Tuque, say something.”
“I don’t want a war on my hands. It might make for good theatre, but it’s bad for business and the act of living.”
Todd chimed in. “What do you mean, war?”
Tuque stood and paced. “When the owner of Z-Pox realizes his entire customer base has jumped ship and are now bellying up to the Casket’s bar, he’s going to come after me.”
“So, fight fire with fire,” Tom Mooner proclaimed.
“You don’t get it. That bastard will do whatever it takes to win his customers back. He’s a nut job. It wouldn’t surprise me to wake in the middle of the night to witness this establishment going up in a roar of flames.” Tuque paced with a heightened, nervous energy. “I don’t have that kind of fight in me now.”
Billy placed a hand on Tuque’s shoulder. “We do.”
The rest of the band stood and stepped into the moment, smiles and nods added fuel to the kindling flame of strength.
Tuque smiled wide. “I don’t know how to thank you.”
Tom spoke first. “You can start with something to eat. I’m hungry.”
Kitty gave Tom’s belly a pinch. “You’re always hungry.”
nine | cannibal, the musical
You won’t believe your eyes
When you watch your boy die
And someone in the crowd shouts:
Hey ho, let’s go
…My Cannibal Paradise
As predicted, the Last Casket was packed to near bursting. Tuque was behind the bar and Penny was busy whisking orders of snacks out to tables. Every so often, someone would lay a hand on a body part, only to get backhanded by the server.
Backstage, Kitty was warming up her voice and doing her usual hopping and pacing.
“Relax, Kitty. This show pales in comparison to some of our other gigs.”
Kitty came to rest. “You’re kidding right? This place may not be as posh as the others, but it’s our little slice of life away from the madness out there.”
“How can you say that when you’re pacing about like a mad woman?” Tom asked.
Kitty’s body came to rest. She turned to Tom and opened her mouth to speak. Nothing came out. She pointed and tilted her head and, finally, the words came.
“I’m freaking nervous! Not just ‘nervous’, but as nervous as I’ve ever been for any show.”
“What gives, girl?” Todd Flash snaked an arm around Kitty.
“I don’t know. I just feel this show is more important than anything we’ve ever done. Those people out there have seen things we’ve only imagined. They have all come to know death up close and personal. They need release more than anyone we’ve ever played for. I don’t want this show to be half-assed. We all need to bring our A-Game tonight. Give those people something to really celebrate. Besides, if we don’t lay permanent claim to this stage now, there’ll be bands beating down the door to take our place.”
Each member of the band nodded and smiled. Finally, Kitty gave the signal for the band to take the stage.
The crowd went insane. They seemed deprived of the essential elements of life – joy and music. Kitty grabbed her mic and spoke.
“Welcome to the Last Casket. My name is Kitty Casket and I’m your host through this grave of souls. Are you ready to rock?””
Another wall of sound washed over the stage.
“I said…are you ready to rock?”
The noise threatened to unseat the walls.
“We are Kitty in a Casket.”
Before the crowd could respond to Kitty’s call out, the band fired up We Come from Venus. The crowd responded immediately. From every corner of the bar, survivors of the apocalypse shed the skin of doom and danced. The song teased the crowd with every beat and Kitty drew all ears and souls in for the ride.
We come from Venus
Don’t you dare
You can’t beat us
By the time the chorus came around for the second time, the crowd sang along. In that moment, the hell outside faded, the monsters crawled back into the stuff of myth, and corporate and political corruption, at its worst, would only steal your fortunes. Zombies dissolved back into their Romero-romantic status and no one feared ‘the bite’.
The song ended. Billy the Bat immediately launched into Headshot. Tom Mooner spun his bass. Kitty leaped into the air and kicked her leg up to land, ballerina-grac
eful, ready to sing. During the chorus, Todd Flash did his best zombie-stomp toward Kitty. As he walked, Kitty held her right hand up, her fingers in the shape of a gun. Todd walked into the ‘gun’ and Kitty mimed a shot. Todd stumbled backward and a rush of cheers rose to meet the band.
Kitty crossed to Todd and kissed his cheek, before drawing her pantomimed gun back to his head. She sang:
Cause I have got
A gun in my hand
And you have not
A gun in your hand
This head shot
Blows you away
When the song came to a close, the crowd roared and begged for more.
From behind the bar, Tuque smiled up at the stage. When Kitty caught him looking, she smiled and winked. Tuque tossed her a nod and drove it home by adding his own applause to the mix.
Kitty spoke into the mic.
“Let’s all give a round of applause for the man that made this happen. Ladies and gentlemen please give your attention to the man behind the bar; everyone’s favorite hat-wearing Canadian…Tuque!”
Everyone in the bar applauded. Penny wrapped her arms around Tuque and pulled him into a passionate kiss. Whistles and cheers flew from every direction. When Tuque was able to come up for air, he noticed Kitty beckoning him to the stage. He complied. When the man of the moment arrived at the stage, Kitty held out her mic to him. Tuque raised his hands and shook his head. Kitty responded with an insistent nod. Tuque caved and grabbed the mic.
“Thank you everyone. I’m not very good at this speech thing, but I did want to thank Kitty and the band for believing in me and this bar enough to take a chance. I think it’s pretty safe to say the Last Casket has some new permanent residence that will rock your nights until the zombies are no more.”
Tuque handed Kitty the mic and returned to his station behind the bar.
“I want to have your babies, Kitty.”
The cry came from the center of the audience. A male – nearly too drunk to speak. Kitty laughed.
“Well that thought just made Kitty purr. But aren’t you forgetting this one simple fact…I’d be the one having the kittens. Or is there something about you you’re not telling us. Come on now, pet; fill us in. Do we have ourselves an Aphrodite the Hermaphrodite in the audience? Kitty loves her some drag queens. Why don’t you sashay your heels up here on the stage and give us a show.”