by Jack Wallen
Billy tossed a smile toward Kitty. “The kitten seems a bit extra saucy today.”
“She is.” Kitty leaned her head on Billy’s shoulder.
“Aren’t you supposed to be navigating this tour, Miss Casket?”
“I don’t know. Am I, Mr. Bat?”
“If we ever hope to find this place, you are.”
Kitty snatched up the crudely drawn map and did her best to get her bearings as quickly as possible. “Next intersection, take a left.”
Billy reached a four-way stop and turned the wheel sharply. The truck tires squealed against the right angle, and the passengers in the bed were tossed about like unstrung puppets.
“Look out!” Kitty shrieked.
Before Billy could change course, the truck slammed into a lone Moaner. The upper half of the zombie exploded, spilling offal and spoiled humors over the windshield. Billy hit the wipers and pressed the washer button…but the well had dried up. The rubber wiper blades simply smeared the waste over the glass in a thin film of dark burgundy.
“Son of a bitch!” Billy slowed the truck to a stop and slammed it into park.
“What are you doing, Billy?” Kitty asked.
“I’ve got to clean the windshield. Can’t very well drive without being able to see where I’m going…right?”
“Just be careful,” Kitty pleaded.
Billy nodded, stepped from the truck, and closed the door.
“Shit,” Billy whispered. He tentatively walked to the front of the truck and took in the problem at hand. “Son of a bitch. How am I supposed to clear that off?”
From the outside, the macabre smear coating the glass included chunks of meat and bone. The smell was rank. Billy covered his mouth and nose with the crook of his right elbow and glanced about the area.
“Bingo,” Billy whispered as he spied a gas station. He took off at a run, his arm still covering the lower half of his face. He reached his target and snatched the wiper squeegee from the bucket. “Fuck!” he spat. The bucket was bone-dry. By now the desert sun would have dried the blood to a crust, so the only way to rid the truck of the mask was with the help of liquid or an ice-scraper.
Billy raced to the convenience store and kicked the door open with his lug-soled boot. As soon as the passageway was clear, he slipped inside and scanned the room for fluid.
“Anything but precious water,” Billy whispered.
The room was empty. With intent to kill, Billy marched into a hall that led back to the repair bays, where he caught a glimpse of a spray bottle marked “Simple Green”. He snatched up the bottle and gave it a shake. “Hell yeah,” he cried out victoriously.
A quick rattling sound grabbed Billy’s attention. His heart skipped in a three-four metal waltz and his muscles tensed. He was weaponless and alone. Billy mouthed “Fuck” and scanned the area for something, anything to serve as a tool of zombie destruction.
Jutting out from a piece of pegboard was a six-inch pole, used to hang snacks or condom packs…whatever the weary traveler need purchase. Slowly and silently, Billy reached out and lifted the merchandise hanger from the comfort of its home.
With weapon in hand, Billy stepped forward, his arm cocked and ready to rock. He placed his right foot down and it skated forward, slipping on a thick puddle of mud.
“What the hell?” Billy whispered to himself. He glanced down to see brown footprints on the stained tile floor. The prints led to the bathroom.
Do zombies shit? Billy thought to himself. He knew the answer to that ridiculous question.
From beyond the door, a gushing flush rang out, followed by a low humming sound.
That was Billy’s queue to hall ass. He ran from the building and to the truck. With a few quick squirts of the bottle, Billy set about to clean off the blood-pudding stain so they could get back underway.
Kitty poked her head out the window. “Hey, mister service station man, would you mind checking my oil while you’re at it?”
A sinister grin slid across Billy’s lips. “I’ll check your oil, all right. I’ll check it like a boss.”
From the bed of the truck, a chorus of catcalls rained down. Billy ignored them and continued clearing the sticky sludge from the windshield. When the job was finished, he tossed the tools into the back of the truck and returned to the driver’s seat.
“Where’s my tip, lady?” Billy teased.
Without warning, Kitty leaned over and planted a warm kiss on his lips. When they parted, Billy’s face was little more than a silly grin.
The truck roared back to life and rolled off toward their goal.
“About a mile from here, take a right, and we should see our destination on the left.” Kitty continued navigation.
“What am I looking for?”
Kitty glanced back at the map. “According to this, it’s called The Snake Pit. Charming name for a bar, don’t ya think? Sounds like some of the dives we were playing years ago.”
“Thank God we grew out of those venues as quickly as we did. I couldn’t take another beer bottle to the head.”
Kitty clapped her hands together quickly and squealed. “But there were some wonderful memories.” Before she could begin reminiscing, their destination came into view. “There it is!” Kitty shouted, pointing to the left side of the street.
The Snake Pit stood, in typical fashion, as a reminder that very little had gone right for the world. Entropy and chaos were the only things that could be counted on to stand in the way of order and loyalty. Friendship and trust. Beyond that, all else was chance.
Billy backed the truck to the entrance of the building. The second he shifted into park and turned off the ignition, he slammed the outside of the driver’s side door with an open palm.
It was go time.
The band exited the truck and made their way to the front entrance.
“What do we do if the place is hostile?” asked Tom.
“Run,” Billy answered. “And run quickly.”
“Why did we let Touque talk us into this suicide mission?” Max asked.
“Because he’s Touque,” answered Kitty.
“That doesn’t tell me anything,” retorted Max.
Kitty stepped up onto the back of the truck and spoke as if she were a captain ready to lead her soldiers into battle. “That man just so happens to have saved our lives. Without him, we’d still be trucking back and forth across the desert, trying to set up shop and rock. Instead, we have a goddamn home and a fucking regular audience. That’s why we’re helping Touque. If you don’t like it, you can always hit the road and find another band.”
Angst nodded his head slowly, whipped out a comb, and ran it through his hair in an attempt to revert to his usual smooth. “We’re cool, betty.”
“Damn straight we are, Max,” Kitty said, before jumping from the truck bed and landing in a cloud of dust.
Billy made his way to the door of the bar and placed his ear to the worn wood for an up close and personal listen. “Nothing,” he whispered.
“Then why are you whispering?” Todd asked.
Billy glanced Todd’s way and shook his head before slipping his hand to the knob and giving it a turn.
When the door opened, a wall of dank, musty air spilled from within. Billy coughed against the smell and entered.
Through the dirty windows, enough thin shafts of light cut through to illuminate the room in spotty fashion. The Snake Pit had been trashed.
“Are we too late?” Tom asked. “Looks like we’re too late.”
Billy made his way behind the bar. “If Touque said this place has treasure, then this place will have treasure.” He glanced up at his bandmates. “Split up and search every nook and cranny this place has to hide. We don’t return to the Casket without booze and grub.”
Max offered up a sarcastic salute and set about digging around.
Kitty joined Billy at the bar. She spoke under her breath. “It looks like someone beat us to this punch, Billy. It won’t be that big of a deal if…�
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Billy stood straight and snapped at Kitty. “It is a big deal, Kitty. Even beyond helping Touque out, can you imagine the hit our show will take if the crowd shows up and there’s no booze? Those people depend on our shows to forget.”
Kitty backed off, her eyes narrowed and lips pursed. “What’s gotten into you, Billy?”
Billy sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s the loss of Mike. Maybe it’s the new guy. Maybe it’s just the fucking apocalypse taking its toll on me.” He leaned his elbows on the bar and placed his head in his hands.
Kitty encroached on Billy’s space and wrapped her arms around his neck. The second her lips touched down on his cheek, she could feel every muscle in his body ease up. “Everything’s going to be okay.”
“You don’t know that, Kitty,” Billy responded. “But as long as you’re by my side, I’m fairly certain I can tolerate anything.”
She planted a kiss on Billy’s lips. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“It was meant to be.” Billy grinned.
“Bingo!” Max shouted from another room.
Billy and Kitty instinctively pulled away from one another and sped off toward Max’s voice. When they arrived in the adjacent room, Max was standing before a walk-in closet and pointing.
“Captain, there be booze here,” Max said in his best Scottish brogue.
Billy planted a kiss on Max’s cheek. “Angst, you quoted Star Trek while tracking down alcohol. I officially love you.”
Max wiped at his cheek. “I assume you mean in a platonic bromance kind of way? Or should I be concerned that you’re going to start hitting on me in earnest?”
“What do you mean, in earnest?” Billy asked. “You say that as if you think my affection toward you is a lie.”
Max simply shrugged.
Kitty rolled her eyes and called for the other members. As soon as they arrived, she instructed them to haul the goods to the truck.
“Holy Bloody Mary,” Tom cried out. “There’s gotta be twelve cases of liquor here.”
“And ten boxes of various edibles,” Kitty added. “Let’s get these loaded and haul ass away from this real gone creepsville.”
Todd entered the room with a GoPro strapped to his head.
“Oh, my God!” Kitty exclaimed. “You’re such a nerd.”
“Posterity, Kitten,” Todd replied. “One of these days the world will want to know how Kitty In A Casket saved the human race.”
Max laughed as he walked by with a case in hand. “One bottle of booze at a time.”
“Damn straight,” Billy added.
Kitty continued handing cases and boxes to the manual labor. “Oh, my God. We should get some footage for a video. We’ve recorded the new tracks for the album–why not use Todd’s camera and snag some moments to play on the screen at our show?”
Max nodded as Kitty transferred the last of the case into his hands. “I remember seeing an abandoned warehouse a few miles back. We could crank up one of the new songs and film our crazy asses navigating the nightmare. That would be so fucking epic.”
Kitty slapped Max on the back. “Brilliant idea, Max. I like the way you think.”
Nervous laughter spilled from Max’s lips. “Good thing, because I’m fairly certain your boyfriend doesn’t.”
“Boyfriend?” Kitty blushed. “What do you mean by this boyfriend nomenclature?”
“Busted!” Max exploded. When he calmed down, he spotted the concern lining Kitty’s face. “What I mean to say was…nice use of a syllables, Miss Casket.”
The last of the band hopped into the bed of the truck, and Max slammed his fist down on the roof. The old truck fired up and took off like it was a young stallion in a field of donkeys. The bottles clattered against one another, but their integrity held fast.
Kitty opened the window between the cab and the bed and peeked her head out. “Don’t let any of those bottles break, boys. We need every last one.”
The passengers in the back nodded.
“Max,” Kitty continued. “You need to make sure we don’t miss that warehouse. We’re going full-on guerrilla with this one…so any mistake could be treacherous. Everyone else, make sure you’re locked and loaded.”
Each and every man aboard knowingly nodded.
“I think the warehouse was two or three blocks down and on the left side. If I remember correctly, it’s next to an old donut shop.”
Everyone groaned.
“Don’t say donut…not now,” Tom cried out. “Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve put anything so sweet in my mouth?”
Uproarious laughter broke out from the bed of the truck.
“There it is!” Max shouted as he pointed at a sign that read ‘Go Nuts’ with an image of a very happy face about to dive into what appeared to be a cream-filled donut on the verge of exploding.
Next to the small artisan confectionery loomed a boarded-up building, its facade broken and worn. The dilapidated walls were stained with every sort of darkness imaginable, and the upper-story windows were cracked, shattered, or completely bereft of glass.
“This is fucking perfect!” Billy shouted as he parked the truck as close to an entrance as possible.
Before exiting the truck, Billy rolled down the driver’s side window and took a listen. The only sound to grace his ears was a gentle wind careening off the Go Nuts sign, causing it to creak as it swayed.
“Everyone wait here. I’m going to see if we can get in.”
Without waiting for a reply, Billy opened the truck door and quietly made his way to the building entrance. Before even attempting to turn the handle, he leaned in and listened. Nothing, Billy thought, held his breath, and turned the handle.
The door opened with a groan.
Billy glanced back at the truck and waved for everyone to follow him inside.
“Mother of darkness,” Max mumbled. “This would be fucking ideal for a concert venue.” He danced a quick twist and yelled, “Hello!”
The echo of Max’s voice bounced about the massive room until it faded to silence. Billy grabbed Max by the arm and spun him hard. He whispered to Angst. “Do that again and your mouth gets duct-taped. The last thing we need is to attract unwanted company. Capiche?”
Max responded with an off-kilter smile. “So we’re an Italian mob now?”
“We’re whatever the hell we want or need to be,” was Billy’s response. He released Max and gave Kitty his undivided attention. “What do you want us to do?”
Kitty glanced around and turned the corners of her ruby lips slightly upward. She looked to Todd. “You filming?”
Todd nodded.
Kitty took in all of the band slowly and then said teasingly, “I want you all to catch the Kitty.”
Without warning, Kitty sprinted away faster than anyone expected.
“Shit, she’s fast!” Max exclaimed.
Todd Flash checked that his camera was secure and took off as quickly as his legs would carry him. The rest of the band followed suit.
Billy zipped past Max, Todd, and Tom, his legs pumping like mad. Ahead of him, Kitty took a set of stairs two at a time. She reached the landing, stopped, turned, and flipped off the men. Before Billy could reach her, she raced onward…around a mezzanine that overlooked the ground floor.
Just as she was about to turn a corner, a door screamed open and slammed into her head. Kitty reeled backward as an obese Moaner shambled into her view.
“Fuck!” Kitty shouted as she put her hands to her head.
The zombie unleashed a guttural moan and lunged at Kitty. The undead fat man grabbed at the air. Kitty ducked just as the beefy arms swept by; the stench of rotting flesh showered her.
“Kitty!” Billy cried out and shifted his body into a gear he never knew existed. As he neared the melee, he jumped and landed the sole of his boot square into the sloppy, piecemeal face of the Moaner. The bones in the skull cracked loud enough for all to hear. The zombie’s head snapped back so hard it instantly dropped to the
ground. Billy landed on one foot and stumbled backward into the oncoming crew. Tom Mooner scooped up Billy by the armpits and righted him before he hit the floor.
The zombie lay motionless.
“Ninja’d!” Max shouted.
Everyone turned to Angst and shushed him with the classic finger-to-lips gesture. He instantly fell silent and shrugged.
“Those damn things are like Lay’s potato chips,” Todd said. Before anyone could question his statement, he added, “You can’t eat just one.”
Everyone nodded their understanding and glanced around the space in search of undead stragglers.
“Thank you, Billy,” Kitty said as she pulled him into a deep hug.
“Todd is right,” Billy interrupted the moment. “Where there’s one, there’ll be more. We should get the hell out of here. I’m sure Todd got plenty of footage for one shot.”
From behind, Max said, “Are you sure?”
Everyone turned to see Angst dancing with a mannequin.
“Finally got a date to prom, eh, Max?” Billy said with a laugh.
Todd Flash followed Max’s lead and scooped up a mannequin body, waltzing his way toward the stairs. Without a word, the rest of the band grabbed an inanimate partner and joined the party. Everyone descended the stairs with as much grace as possible. Once on the ground floor, they all spread out and continued the dance macabre.
Not a word was said.
Softly, Kitty’s voice could be heard singing.
It’s been too long ago
Two three months, yeah I don’t know
It’s time - without a doubt
I’m dressed to kill let’s have fun
This Friday - I’m gonna go out
You’ll rock the stage you’ll rock the crowd
This time - I’ll catch your breath
(I’m) just like your type – angel-like
Come on, wanna go?
There’s something you don’t know
It’s gonna, gonna, gonna be you and me
When your lights go out then you will see
Oh baby now it’s time to rock n roll
It’s gonna, gonna, gonna be you and me
When your lights go out then you will see
Oh baby now it’s time you gotta go