by Jack Wallen
The stranger poked his beefy finger at the paper and then toward the exit.
“You want directions to the Casket?”
The stranger nodded intently, and the old man took up the pen and chicken-scratched directions onto the paper. He scrawled the last word and nervously slid the pad of paper back to the stranger. The tall, dark man glanced over the directions. With a quick nod, he cocked his arm and sent the blade of the knife into the old man’s right eye. The newly ordained cyclops did a quick wacky pop dance and dropped, lifeless, to the floor.
It took the stranger no time to locate a small cache of non-perishable food stuffs. Cans of beans, chocolate bars, peanut butter…a mixed bag that would at least sustain him until the storm blew over.
The cowbell rang behind the stranger as he exited the Stop ‘N Chug. Like a poster child for the post-apocalyptic cowboy society, he strutted across the parking lot to his Chevy.
Back inside the black comfort of the car, he brought the engine to life and roared away from the convenience store and toward The Last Casket.
five | that’s good human
The back half of the kitchen had been converted into a mad scientist’s wet dream come true. Copper pipes raced about with little apparent logic or flow. The hissing of steam permeated the air.
Touque stood among his steampunk’d creation like he was about to launch into a time machine and travel to far-off lands, where humans and windup dolls danced to the same tunes. His hair nearly stood on end, his wild eyes were covered in green-glass goggles, and his face registered a permanent “oh shit” expression. Even so, he waited at the end of the still with a mason jar in hand. A scream of a whistle sounded off and a jet of thick steam launched itself from the mouth of certain madness.
The machine was ready to bear fruit.
Touque held the glass, with rock-steady nerves, underneath the open end of a of copper tube. A single drip fell from the conduit. That one drip was followed by another, and another…until said drip had evolved into a smooth and steady flow. With monk-like patience, Touque waited for the glass to fill. Before it reached the rim, he had a large glass beaker in hand and switched beaker for glass without losing a single drop of the liquid love.
He turned to the band, raised the glass high, and said, “Prost!” before tipping the amber fluid to his lips. He took in a small drink and swished it around in his mouth before swallowing.
A languid grin spread wide across his lips and was eventually released with a joyous sigh.
“Sweet Jesus, I do believe God himself pissed in this cup.”
Kitty shrank away, her face scrunched tight against the vile image that ran rampant in her mind’s eye.
Touque filled the glass again, only this time he handed it off to Kitty. With a concerned glance, Kitty made sure to check Billy’s mental whereabouts. As soon as she knew he was there in body and mind, she tipped the glass up against her lips and pulled down the whole draught before anyone could stop her.
“Holy shit,” Kitty nearly exploded. “That’s good booze, Touque. You’ve done your father proud. The only thing this needs is one of your famous burgers. What do ya say? Care to fire up the grill?”
Todd and Billy shot cautious glances at one another.
Todd leaned into Billy and said, “We gotta tell her, man.”
Billy elbowed Todd in the ribs. “Like hell we do. If she finds out what’s in that meat, she’ll fry up Touque steaks and serve him alongside a Todd and Billy salad. I fucking hate kale.”
“I don’t care, Billy. Kitty deserves to know,” Todd whispered into Billy’s ear.
Billy weighed the options. He glanced over to Kitty; her radiant smile shamed the light emanating from the six-foot fluorescent strips hanging against the bas relief ceiling. He forced a deep breath into his tight chest and said, “Kitty, can we see you in the bar? We want to go over the set list for the show.”
Kitty glanced at Touque, who winked and nodded.
“Sure, boys.” Kitty turned back to Touque. “I want that burger cooked rare. Make sure I can still smell the blood on that beast.”
Touque offered a half-hearted grin, nodded, and grabbed the top container holding the zombeef.
Out in the bar, Billy and Todd sat on opposite sides of a round table. Billy pulled a third chair out and gestured for Kitty to join them. She sat in a pool of silence.
“What’s up, boys? Kitty got your tongue?” She winked at Billy and let a flirtatious purr spill from her lips.
Billy traced a finger along Kitty’s jaw line and poked the tip of her nose. Kitty pulled back, her eyes narrowed. “I know that little finger boop to the nose all too well. Something’s going down. What’s up, guys?”
“Uhhhh….” Todd mumbled, and fell back to silence.
“What he’s trying to…” Billy followed suit.
Kitty touched the tips of her fingers to the table and pushed herself to standing. “Well, boys, if the kitty has got your tongues, I’m going to retire back to the kitchen and enjoy a bloody burger.”
Billy placed his hand over Kitty’s. “About that…”
Kitty lowered herself back to seated in a grace-filled wonder of slow motion—all the while, her eyes locked on Billy’s. “You have my undivided attention…for about two minutes, at which point there will be meat in my mouth.”
“About that…” Todd added.
“Okay, I’m starting to see a trend here, you two. What the hell’s going on?”
Billy drew in a lung-filling breath and blew it out like a tea kettle about to erupt. “That meat Touque’s been serving…it’s not…it’s not beef.”
Kitty closed her eyes and tilted her head. “Of course it is.”
“No, Kitty, it’s not,” Todd insisted.
“What is it, then? Pork? Turkey? It’s sure as shit not a veggie burger.”
“It’s…” Billy hesitated.
“Zombie!” Todd shouted. “For the love of Danzig, it’s fucking zombie meat.”
Kitty’s eyes went saucer-wide and her mouth opened and closed in a silent-movie show of incredulity. Without warning, Kitty screamed at the top of her lungs. The sound rattled glass and threatened a life or two from every cat within hearing range.
Max, Tom, and Touque rushed into the room.
“What gives?” Max van Angst was the first to ask.
Kitty stood, her hands pumping into and out of fists…ready for action. She turned on her heels and faced Touque. “What have you done?” she demanded.
Touque wiped streaks of blood onto his already-stained apron. “I was just cooking your…”
“Zombie meat, you bastard madman,” Kitty’s voice erupted.
Touque tensed and crossed his arms over his chest. He tossed a glance toward Billy and Todd.
Simultaneously, Touque shouted to Billy and Todd while Kitty screamed at Touque: “I trusted you!”
Touque turned to Kitty. “And you still…”
“Shut up.” Kitty slammed a fist onto the table. “You’ve turned us all into cannibals.”
Touque stood up straight. “No, Kitty. What I’ve done is turn you into survivors. Had you not eaten those burgers, you would have perished weeks ago.”
“At what cost, Touque? What about the virus?”
Touque took a step toward Kitty. She backed up, which caused Touque to raise his hands in a gesture of surrender. When he spoke, his voice was his usual, calming smooth. “The meat’s decontaminated—my supplier takes care of that; it just takes a microwave to do it.”
“And you trust this supplier?” Kitty demanded.
A shadow of doubt lingered momentarily in Touque’s eyes. “If I didn’t, I would never serve it to you or the band, much less eat it myself.”
“Even if it’s safe physically,” Kitty pressed, “did you ever consider how we’d feel if we knew we were eating…people? Soylent Green and all.”
“How do you feel, Kitty?”
“Insane,” Kitty replied.
“Literally?” asked
Touque.
Kitty shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
“What I mean is, do you literally feel insane…as in I should search out a psychiatrist that can prescribe medications for you?”
“No, Touque. I mean this whole situation is crazy.”
Touque took another cautious step toward Kitty. “Indeed it is crazy, Kitty. But the madness radiates well beyond this particular moment. We are all living in dangerous and devastating times. Everyone has to be willing to do whatever it takes, in order to survive. If we do not survive, humankind dies out. I don’t know about you, but I refuse to be the one who helped usher in the extinction of man and woman.”
For the briefest pause, Kitty allowed herself to get caught up in Touque’s rhetoric. When she snapped out of the spell, tears streamed down her cheeks. “No, Touque, no. We cannot become those people. I will not succumb to the primal. I can’t…”
“I’m not asking you to go full-on cave-woman, Kitty. You have to understand those zombies are not human. They may as well be wild boar to you and me. We are no longer seated atop the food chain, young woman. We are the prey, and those animals will not hesitate to eat you from the inside out. A process has been developed to rid the flesh of the virus…and with so much of this resource available, we’ll be able to sustain ourselves for some time. The alternative is death.” Touque inched his way up to Kitty. “I’ll ask you again…how do you feel?”
Kitty opened her mouth to speak, but didn’t. Her gaze spiraled downward and she deflated herself with a sigh. “I feel fine.”
“We may have considered human flesh a forbidden fruit at one point…but that point is long gone. The new world order insists we follow a much updated moral compass. That doesn’t, however, mean we’re doomed for damnation.”
Silence.
“Kitty, I swear to you…I would never put you or your band in harm’s way. Ever. Period. Each and every one of you is precious cargo to me. It is unconscionable that I would consider bringing harm to this group. You have to understand, Kitty…I’m trying to keep you alive in the only way I know. You may think it mad…you may even be utterly repulsed at the idea of eating meat that was, at one time, sentient humans. If that’s the case, I am profoundly sorry. If there is anything I can do to right this wrong, just say the word. In the meantime, I am going to return to the kitchen and finish grilling burgers for anyone that would care to join me.”
Touque didn’t bother waiting for a reply before he turned and bumped his way through the swinging doors.
The second he was gone, the walls of The Last Casket came alive with a thunderous sound.
“What the hell?” Billy shouted as he wound his way to the nearest window. “Oh, shit.” He turned toward the kitchen. “Touque!”
Before another breath was taken, Touque appeared…meat cleaver in hand. He was greeted by a clamorous round of shakedown by the undead chorus beyond. With silent steps, he rushed to the door and dropped the three steel crossbars to prevent the dead dogs of war from slipping inside.
“What are we going to do?” Max whispered.
Touque turned to the drummer and held a finger to his lips.
From the other side of the door, a hell-born scream cut through wood and metal. Touque tensed further and shot away from his post. He reached the entrance to the kitchen, turned, and motioned for everyone to follow. One by one, Kitty In A Casket fell in line behind Touque. He led them through the kitchen and into a walk-in freezer. Once the freezer door was shut, he pulled on a back panel to reveal the hidden stairs.
“Why are we going up to the roof?” Billy asked.
“To assess the situation,” whispered Touque.
Before leaving the freezer, Touque snatched a pair of rifles that were strategically placed behind a tower of crates. He handed one weapon to Billy, who willingly accepted and tossed a devil horn salute into the air.
The human centipede made its way up the stairs and through the final exit to the roof. The group spread out dangerously near the edge and took in the hate parade below. The monstrous shadows danced over the dusty ground, illuminated by the bank of solar-powered flood lights.
“Scheiße,” Kitty whispered. “How in the hell are we supposed to survive that?”
Surrounding the bar was a ring of Moaners. Tearing through the fetid flesh of the Moaners was a small cadre of Screamers, desperate to reach the living buffet within the Casket.
Touque stared on in silence.
“Care to join us in the now, Mr. Canada?” Tom hissed.
Touque held up his hand for silence.
Off in the distance, a small dust storm traced itself along the main road leading directly toward the bar.
He pointed.
The band’s collective gaze followed his finger into the distance.
“Please don’t tell me that’s a pack of Boners,” Max said just above a whisper.
Tom released a guffaw loud enough to clue in the horde below of their presence.
Through the dust and darkness, a pair of dim headlights glimmered. Touque lowered his arm. “It’s a vehicle, heading this way…fast. Hopefully whoever it is will draw the attention of those bastards away.”
“What are you saying, Touque?” Kitty whispered. “We’re just supposed to wait up here until the death circus leaves town?”
Todd Flash raised his hand. “That’d be my preference.”
“I’ll second that,” added Tom as he glanced back at the nightmare below to see a Screamer pluck a Moaner from the ground, tear it in half, and toss it aside.
“You see, Kitty?” asked Touque softly. “Monsters.”
“Yeah, Touque, I get it. They aren’t human. If it means we survive this, I’d eat the lot of ‘em.”
Touque nodded with a fatherly-proud smile. “Atta girl.”
The twin lights drew nearer as the roar of whatever engine driving them onward caught the attention of the scourge on the periphery.
Touque’s voice took on a distant tone. “Wait for it. Wait for it.”
The headlights ceased moving; the engine revved. Before the car could turn tail and race off, the Moaners and Screamers spun on rotting heels and either shambled or sprinted toward the machine-wound noisemaker. Before the horde could overtake the car, the driver punched the gas, spun into a donut, and sped away…engine screaming for vengeance. The zombies continued giving chase.
“I’ll be damned.” Kitty’s voice remained near a whisper. “How did you know that would play out like that, Touque?”
“Honestly…” Touque glanced between the band members. “I didn’t. That was Mother Nature running its course. Or maybe it was karma or happenstance. I don’t know…I don’t care.”
The slower zombies stumbled on, instinct insisting they continue their charge.
Touque continued. “Either way, it worked in our favor.”
Billy pointed. “There’s still a few stragglers, Touque.”
“Nothing we can’t handle at this point. Besides, they’re just Moaners. You could probably slip outside and take them down yourself, Mr. Bat.”
At Touque’s prompt, Billy smiled and puffed up slightly. “Hell yeah, I could.”
Touque placed a calming hand on Billy’s shoulder. “Let’s save the cavalier bravery for another time. Although, if you’d like to dance into the darkness and ninja the stragglers, be my guest.”
Billy shot a glance to Todd, who immediately nodded.
“Hey, I saw that,” Max huffed. “I think it’s time I got in on the action.”
Todd grinned. “You up to smashing a few zombie heads?”
Max looked over the edge of the roof and then back to Todd. “I’m a drummer, dude. I smash heads for a living.”
“Yeah, but these heads smash back,” Billy added.
Angst snatched his drumsticks from a cargo pocket. “Not as hard as I do.”
Billy winked. “We’ll see, Max. We’ll see.”
Without another word, Billy dashed into the stairwell…closely followed by
Todd and Max.
“Anyone else care to join them?” asked Touque.
Kitty raised both hands and said, “I’m good.”
“Me too,” Tom added.
“Wise choice.” Touque’s voice had returned to its regular calm.
m/
Billy stood by the back door of the Casket, Louisville Slugger in hand. Next to him, Todd Flash carried a butcher knife, and Max wielded a three-foot length of rebar.
“On the count of three,” Billy whispered, “I’m going to open the door and run out. You guys follow suit, but make damn sure the door is closed behind us. We can’t take a chance and leave the gates to the castle standing wide open.”
“Are you sure about this plan, Bat?” Max asked.
“No. You got a better one, Angst?” replied Billy.
Max shook his head and tapped the steel bar against the open palm of his left hand. “Let’s rock.”
Billy counted down. “One. Two…” He paused to take a deep breath. As soon as his lungs were emptied and refilled, he jerked the door open and sprinted out, bat at the ready.
Todd and Max followed suit. Max turned to shut the door when Billy shouted a warning. Max heard the moan just in time to spin on a dime and swing the rebar with intent to kill. The metal shaft struck home with murderous speed, sending a sonic wave of crunch careening into his eardrums.
“Son of a bitch, that was nasty!” Max shouted.
Billy laughed. “I thought you were ready for this, Angst.”
The Moaner with the dented skull lurched forward, clutching wildly for purchase on Max. Before the cold, dead fingers could grab so much as an inch of black fabric, Max rotated the bar above his head so its dull, metallic end pointed directly at the zombie. With a single, powerful thrust, Max sent the rebar into the Moaner’s right eye and deep into the wells of its brain. “Who said I wasn’t?”
“I rescind my comment,” Billy added.
Todd swung his butcher knife in front of him, hoping the zombie he was facing would accidentally walk into the deadly blade. “Come on, you son of a bitch…kill yourself on my steel. Hari-kari, motherfucker!”
“Are you kidding me?” asked Billy. “Run the bastard through and move on.”