by David Smith
“1.5 million…………….1.4 million………………1.3 million……”
“O’Mara, lock and load. Launch on my mark.”
“Aye sir.”
“1.1 million…They’re adjusting course, sir, now heading fifteen degrees off to port.”
“Match that, Crash, keep us head on.” Let’s see how they like playing chicken, he thought.
“900,000………………….800,000….Changing course again, sir.”
“Keep us head on Helm; we don’t have haggis on the sides of the hull”
“600,000…………….500,000… They’re decelerating hard now sir.”
“Keep accelerating, and keep us head on. Track any changes they make”
“They’re firing sir. Missed us…….. 300,000……. They’re still decelerating. Firing again. Closer that time. Down to 200,000….. dead slow now…..they’re turning away!”
“Keep going! Close the gap.”
“150,000……….firing again.”
The ship bucked as the Tana’s shots struck home. The micro-waves hit the haggis armoured main hull, producing a plume of barbecued mutton offal, which absorbed and scattered the beam. The gap was still closing, but more slowly now as the Tana scout tried to accelerate away from the Tiger.
“100,000 klicks…”
Another hit rocked the ship, harder this time, but still no damage alerts broke the tension.
“80,000 …. They’re turning again..”
“Keep tracking them, we’re nearly there!”
The ship rocked again under another impact, harder still and Dave heard the first warning. “Impulse drive at 102%....”
The haggis was still holding up!
Outside the ship, sizzling sheep intestines boiled off into space, the cloud of debris scattering microwaves and carrying away latent heat.
“70,000…. Turning again, matching that”
More hits followed and Dave would later swear he could smell the burning flesh of their make-shift armour.
“60,000…. They’re nearly matching our speed sir.”
“Ok….O’Mara, it’s now or never. Launch it.”
“Aye, sir…….Kamikaze away. Banzai!!!”
“Helm, hard-a-port, get us away from that scout!”
Even with the extra weight of the personnel tactical nuke, the probe could accelerate much faster than either ship, and Crash began counting off the distance between the probe and the Tana scout:
“55, 50, 45, 40, 35….they’re firing at the probe. O’Mara’s activated evasive manoeuvres….. 20, 15, 10”
“All hands brace for impact!”
“Five, four, three, two, one…. It’s a hit!! We did it sir!!! We…..”
The radiation from the nuclear blast hit the ship and Dave was thrown from his seat.
Chapter 12
Dave awoke with Commander Mengele stopping over him. She looked as cool as always, but Dave noticed a livid bruise already forming on her face. The ship must have taken quite a battering.
The air was thick with the smell of burnt plastics and alarms were still sounding in the background. Crash, Dolplop and Shearer were at their seats, but ASBeau was sat on the deck like himself looking dazed.
"You have a slight concussion and some bruising in addition to your list of previous injuries, but are otherwise intact" the doctor told him. "There are many injuries throughout the ship, but fortunately no-one was killed. My team are on top of the situation, but sick bay is full and I've had to commandeer the Officer’s Mess as an emergency sick-bay for the less serious cases. I've also had to employ the nurses recruited by Chief Money as my own team are over stretched. While they seem to lack basic medical training, there have been surprisingly few complaints from the crew they've attended to. Your Bridge crew are intact with the exception of Lieutenant-Commander Beauregard who is quite badly concussed. He will be off-duty for at least twenty-four hours while we observe his condition."
"Thanks Doc" he said as he struggled to his feet. The Bridge looked like they'd lost the battle, not won it. Several consoles had been gutted by fire and were coated with chemicals from the fire extinguishers used. Deck-head panels were strewn where they'd fallen and access panels in the bulkheads and consoles had popped open everywhere.
As the Doctor left the Bridge, Dave went back to the ExO's station but found that his was one of the consoles that hadn't survived. O'Mara wasn't back on the Bridge, so Dave went to the Science Officer’s station and pulled up a status display.
He sighed: the ship was a wreck. The phasers, shields, and warp-drive were all off line. Many secondary systems were off-line too, with minor issues to be repaired. So were the inertia-dampers and the main navigational deflector. Worst of all, many of the sensors had been damaged by the radiation flash from the successful nuclear attack on the Tana scout. They were blind, immobile and defenceless.
He called engineering and Chief Deng answered. Dave didn't have a clue where to start, so he invited the Chief to decide what needed talking about. "What's happening, Chief?"
There was a slight pause as the Chief gathered herself and ordered her thoughts.
"We're in trouble. We can't fix the warp drive without replacement dilithium. Half of the repaired power relays have blown and some are now probably gone for good. Most of the ships systems have suffered some form of damage, and we've lost 20% of our staff to injuries. We're going to need a couple of days to patch up the damage, but even then we'll be cannibalising non-essential systems to keep us going."
"Is there any good news at all?"
She seemed to have to think hard about this: "About the only positive is that life support and environmental systems are intact. Oh, and you've managed to get rid of all that haggis. The crew were quite happy about that"
"Thanks Chief. I'll call for an update in six hours"
"Not much will have changed sir?"
"I know but at least it'll give me something to do."
--------------------
Dave felt hopelessly impotent. The medical staff were flat out and the engineers were working around the clock, but there wasn't much he could do to help. He re-assigned any of the crew with engineering experience to the Engineering Department to give them extra hands, and visited botanics and hydroponics to see what they could provide for food now haggis was in short supply, but that was about the limit of what he could achieve. He did discover that the Supply Department kept stocks of emergency tinned rations dotted around the ship, and as there was little else he could usefully do, he visited a couple of the stores.
PO Starr came with him to show him what was held where, and inside one such store on Deck 10 he found thousands of cans of tinned emergency rations, long abandoned and covered in a thick layer of dust. He read the labels of some of the tins. Spam, pork hot-dogs, pork luncheon meat, tinned ham…….
“How old are these supplies?” he asked the PO.
“Don’t know sir, they were probably on board at the ship’s first commissioning. We call this store Jurassic Pork” he quipped.
“Well it’s a damn site better than haggis. Ship it out to the galley.”
“Aye sir”
Dave also organised tasks for the Tactical Officer. Now that they were clearly in a state of hostilities with the Tana Empire, they were in extreme danger. The ship was a mess and they had limited weaponry with which to fight. Most dangerously, they were completely isolated, and had no idea how many ships the Tana could field against them.
They sat down and discussed their options, but the best they could come up with was to rig their remaining probes to act as scouts. Dotting them between the Tigers location and the border they would at least provide a warning if something nasty was heading their way. Probes were normally the responsibility of the Science team, but as they were committed elsewhere, Dave asked ASBeau to rig long range sensors and comms suitable for this mission and get Ensign David to preset a flight plan.
To keep himself occupied as much as anything else, he vis
ited the isolation lab to see how O'Mara and her team were getting on with their unfortunate study subjects. O'Mara and L'Amour were there studying the latest blood test results and bio-scans.
"How are the Sha T'Al doing?" he asked.
O'Mara looked up "Surprisingly good actually. We've got them on a course of whiskey, but we're experimenting with vodka, sake and tequila too. A few of the wittier crew members have claimed to be addicted paracetemol and asked if they can come in for some shots too."
"They seem to react best to the whisky, which is fortunate as with no replicators, we're dependent on stock items. Chief Burns keeps a very large stock of whisky for some reason. The alcohol is definitely easing the dependency on aspirin, and we've reduced the dosage level to about two trebles per day without any lessening of its effectiveness."
"I'm no transporter expert, but I've kept checking the system while Chief Carstairs is off fixing other stuff. We get the spiked haggis about 90% of the time now, so if we ever do get back to Todot Hahn we'll be ready to go."
"Todot Hahn?"
"Apparently it's the Sha T'Al name for the world we visited. Ironically it translates as "Teacher's Home".
"What's ironic about that?"
"We're treating our two patients with 6 shots of Teacher's whisky a day."
“I suspect that there are enough varieties of whisky in the Chiefs inventory you could have found a link if the planet was called hexagon of sausages.”
“True, but I doubt the Chief will see the humour of the situation when he finds out.”
“No-one’s told him???”
“No one is brave……or stupid……enough”
“Great. He’s going to flip when he finds out”
“Ah, but we Irish have a way of dealing with those situations.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, we worry about it when it happens and go to the pub in the meantime.”
Lieutenant L’Amour was compiling a report on possible indigenous sources of ethyl alcohol within the ecology of Todot Hahn, and was reporting her first thoughts when Dave's attention was taken by the Lieutenants ear-rings.
"Lieutenant, I know it's an odd question, but where did you come by the crystals you use in your jewellery?"
Surprised, she looked around "These old things?? Actually, I was on expedition in the Teval province of Cafanis in the Damani system, looking for evidence concerning the legendary abilities of Cafani clerics. They are reputed to be able to have sex for 2 days straight, have tongues 12" long and learn to breathe through their tear ducts as part of their training....." she smiled slightly. "We headed up to the Cloud Head monastery on Mount Duawari, which is their spiritual home, hoping to learn some of their techniques, but we only stayed for about a year"
"A year??"
"Well we ran out of contraceptives, and anal isn't always comfortable with a priest whose penis is....."
"Can we get back to the crystals?" interrupted Dave.
"Yeah, they have amaaaaazing theraputic properties, I keep a ton of them for hollistic jewellery that wards off infection, evil spirits and insurance salesmen. I also use them for Atraxian Crystal Therapy and hot stone relaxation therapy. You should try that one. It's a traditional Regulan treatment where I warm the stones in massage oil to one degree above your body temperature and then insert them in your....."
"Yes. Lovely. Sounds fantastic. These crystals, where are they from?"
"From Cafanis: they're raw dilithium crystals. Aren't they amazing?"
--------------------
"Can we get underway yet?"
"Theoretically, yes" replied a very tired and very tetchy Lieutenant-Commander Romanov.
"Theoretically??"
"Indeed. Although the main navigational deflector is currently coated in incinerated haggis and the warp-drive will need to be tuned to accommodate the new crystals, we could effectively get underway. It would then be a race between us hitting a microscopic particle of matter at light speed which would reduce the ship to its constituent atoms, or the ship literally tearing itself into tiny pieces when the unstable warp-field conflicts with the hull. Personally I don't fancy either"
"So when will we be able to get underway safely?"
"Your guess is as good as mine."
"Well my guess is 0800 the day after tomorrow, and I think it would be a jolly spiffing wheeze if we tried to make that happen" suggested an equally tired and tetchy Dave.
"We'll do our best, sir. But we're not miracle workers you know."
--------------------
Two day later, Crash gently brought the battered cruiser about and headed for Todot Hahn. The transition to warp was even more uncomfortable as the ship shuddered, creaked and groaned alarmingly before finally reaching a high enough velocity to engage the drive.
Dave pushed for as high a speed as possible, always mindful that Commander Cassini would soon be back on duty after his enforced vacation, but Romanov sounded genuinely concerned about this and insisted on restricting speed to Warp 6.
On the positive side, Commander Joynes seemed quite happy in his quarters, but he apparently had several human-sized pink rabbits that were keeping him fully occupied and entertained with tales of their comical exploits in Narnia, Atlantis and Milton Keynes.
Captain LaCroix was still in isolation, and a pang of guilt at his part in the Captain’s enforced isolation made Dave call sick-bay to check on his well being.
Commander Mengele called back shortly "We've got the testicular swelling under control now, so at least he can sit down. The spontaneous ejaculation is still a problem though. I've had to enforce a three meter splash-zone around him. No-one can go closer without full NBC gear. Even then, it makes you jump when it happens."
Dave shuddered "So when will the skipper be able to resume command?"
"My estimate is three weeks, although it could be longer. If necessary" the doctor added pointedly.
"Excellent."
----------------------------
It took them another two days to reach Todot Hahn at their reduced cruising speed. Crash brought them into a very low circular orbit and they took careful stock of the situation on the surface.
They focussed on the main cities and towns. To provide mass for the transporters to work with, they'd target areas between population centres and scoop up a couple of tonnes of material, then transport this back into a population centre, where it would arrive as whisky laden haggis on a grid spaced approximately ten meters by ten meters.
Within two days, the surviving Sha T'Al had stopped hiding in day-light hours, which gave them enough confidence to send an away team back to the surface, with medical supplies, whisky and emergency back-up supplies of haggis.
Reports from Commander Mengele were encouraging, but Lieutenant-Commander Grosvenor was struggling to start meaningful dialogue. The Sha T'Al had gone from being slavering zombie like flesh-eaters, to slavering zombie-like "besht mates". From other sources, Dave later to discovered that Izzy was getting plenty of propositions from the Sha T'Al, but not the sort that would make it into her official log. The same sources also suggested Izzy had indeed experimented with more tactile ways to establish a relationship.
Things only really took off on their third day in orbit, when a small party of uninfected Sha T'Al including a couple of civic dignitaries came out of hiding and made themselves known. They'd hidden themselves to escape the depredations of the drug-crazed population at large, and had pretty much lost hope until it became apparent that the nights were no-longer dominated by screaming hordes of their deranged fellows. Not surprisingly, they seemed shell-shocked and unsure. The horrors they had seen would have scarred anyone, but the A&A teams findings depicted a people who seemed tranquil and genteel. Nothing could have prepared them for what they’d seen.
They accepted an invitation to attend a diplomatic meeting aboard the Tiger, and Dave suddenly realised he'd never seriously considered what he'd do if he actually made contact with them. On reflection, he reali
sed it would probably be best to let Lieutenant-Commander Grosvenor deal with it as she had insisted in the first place.
There was a tweet from the hastily repaired console on the arm of the Captains chair. Dave looked down to see a call from Engineering and he pressed the icon to answer it.
“Hollins here. What’s up Romanov?”
“We have a problem, ExO”
“Could you be a bit more specific?”
“Commander Cassini has returned from leave” she whispered, “and he’s pissed!”
Chapter 13
It didn’t take long for the Commander to take stock.
“What have you done to my ship???” he screamed over the intercom.
“We have an ongoing situation here Commander; we’re attempting to assist the Sha T’Al in the face of incursions by the Tana Empire.”
“You know our orders were to avoid contact. I leave you and Romanov in charge for three weeks and you’ve completely wrecked my ship!!” screamed the furious engineer.
“Commander, everything we’ve done has been to help the Sha T’Al. I can assure you that Lieutenant-Commander Romanov has been and able and trustworthy deputy during your absence and……”
“ABLE???? TRUSTWORTHY??? The only thing I’d be able to trust her with is winning a “drink-your-own-weight-in-vodka contest!! How the fuck am I ever going to get this ship ready for the next speed record attempt????”
Dave gritted his teeth “Speed records hardly matters at this juncture Commander. We have a major interstellar political incident to resolve….”
“No we don’t!!” interjected Cassini, “We’re going to follow orders, retreat to Hole, and let someone else deal with this. I’m not about to risk the fastest ship in the fleet on some half-baked, unauthorised intervention on the say so of a jumped-up cadet with a boy-scout complex.”
“Commander, we have a responsibility to the Sha T’Al………”
“Shut up! You have your orders! Get this ship set to go or I’ll come to the Bridge and do it myself!”
Dave had had enough: “Are you sure you can find your way here?”