Hurt springs into his eyes. ‘Beth, no, it’s not like that.’
I cut him off. ‘No, I understand. I think I’ll go now.’ I turn and dash for the door. He stands up, calling my name, but I know he can’t follow me without paying the bill, so I head out onto the street and hail a passing taxi.
‘Randolph Gardens, please,’ I say breathlessly, as I climb into the back, and all the way back to Mayfair, I’m shivering as though the temperature has just dropped to zero.
Chapter Ten
James notices the change in me at once when I arrive at work the next day.
‘Are you all right?’ he enquires, looking at me over the top of his spectacles. ‘You don’t seem quite as perky as you were yesterday.’
I try to smile. ‘I’m all right. Really.’
‘Ah. Boyfriend trouble, if I’m not much mistaken. Don’t worry, my dear, I’ve been there. I can’t tell you how pleased I am that Erlend and I are a comfortable old couple with no more of the woes of the courting days. It makes up in restfulness what it lacks in excitement.’ His expression is sympathetic. ‘But that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how much it can hurt. I won’t ask questions – I’ll just take your mind off it.’
I’m not quite sure how James can make me forget last night’s revelation. I’ve thought of nothing else since. Last night I lay in bed, my eyes wide and sleep elusive, as I imagined Dominic brandishing all manner of instruments, laughing maniacally as he brings them down over a woman’s back.
A man who wants to hit women. How can he be like that? I don’t understand. I don’t even know that I want to understand.
I try to tell myself that, but the reality is that I can’t stop the way I feel about him. I still long for him in every way and he fills my thoughts all day, despite James’s best efforts to keep me busy working on the catalogue proofs for the next exhibition. I hear nothing from Dominic and as the hours pass by, I’m weighed down more and more by depression at the thought that I might not see him again.
In the evening, I go home, stopping only to pick up some groceries, and try to fool myself that I’m not watching the flat opposite, hoping that I’ll see some sign of life there. I’m craving a sight of Dominic as badly as any addict craves a fix. In fact, I worry that if I do see him, I won’t be able to stop myself going straight over there.
By eight o’clock, with the flat still in darkness, I’m in a frenzy, pacing backwards and forwards, picking up my telephone to text him but managing to stop myself, and all the time picturing where he might be and what he might be doing. I’m on the verge of going back to The Asylum to see if I can find him, when there’s a knock on the front door.
I freeze. Dominic. It must be. Unless it’s the porter . . .
I open the door tentatively, my heart beating wildly. He’s there, resting one arm on the doorframe, looking terrible for the first time since I’ve known him. His chin is stubbled and there are bags under his eyes, which are tired and bloodshot. It looks like he’s barely slept. He also looks sloppy, in rumpled jeans and a grey sweatshirt. He’s staring at the floor but looks up as I emerge slowly from behind the door.
‘Hi,’ he says in a low voice. ‘I’m sorry, I’m probably the last person you want to see right now. But I had to come and see you.’
‘No.’ I smile weakly. ‘I want to see you too. I’ve missed you.’
He looks abjectly miserable. ‘But the way you ran out last night. You were obviously horrified. Shocked. Disgusted.’ He runs his fingers through his dark hair, making the ends stick up all over the place. It’s an absurdly sexy look. I thought I liked the polished, stylish Dominic but maybe I like the messy one even more. The look in those black eyes is beseeching. ‘It came out all wrong, Beth. I shouldn’t have told you like that, the way I did. You’ve got the wrong idea.’
My throat is dry. I swallow and say, ‘What’s the right idea?’
‘You think I just want to beat women up. It’s not like that, I promise. Will you let me try to explain? Please?’
I stare at him for a long moment. There’s no question that I could turn him away or refuse, but I am so stunned to be in his presence again that I’m processing everything at half speed. ‘Of course. Come in.’
I step backwards into the dark hallway and he steps forward to join me. That’s all it takes. The moment he is close to me, I inhale his gorgeous scent: sweet, lemony, musky, and utterly irresistible. Now that he’s close to me again, my insides turn to liquid, my knees weaken and I stare at his mouth, my own lips parted with the rush of desire I’m experiencing.
‘Beth,’ he says throatily, and then his mouth is on my mine, and we’re kissing passionately, as though we can’t get enough of one another. The feeling is bliss, like being taken up into a velvet tornado – powerful, thrilling, whirling, but soft and dark at the same time. His taste and the force of his desire awaken a lust in me I’ve never known before. I want him so much, and the moment his tongue touches mine, I’m instantly ready: hot, wet and full of need. I can tell from the hardness in his groin that’s pressing against me that he’s ready too. I feel as though we’re both unable to control ourselves, acting under instinct, driven by the force of our desire for one another.
His hands are under my top, lifting it, taking it over my head, leaving me in just my bra. He drops his head to my chest for a moment and showers hot kisses over the soft mounds of flesh that rise from the cups, but he is back at my mouth in an instant, which I meet hungrily as I can’t bear not to be tasting him. I’m lifting his T-shirt too, and he takes it from me, pulling it off in a swift movement and then our chests are pressed together, the flesh on flesh creating the most intensely pleasurable sensations.
His lips and tongue are busy at my mouth again, he’s nipping at my lips, sucking my tongue. His passion is fiercer than it was before and mine rises to meet it. I drag my nails lightly over his broad muscled back, making him groan into my mouth, then I reach for the buttons on his jeans, and undo them quickly. The heat of his erection radiates me towards and I can feel the great shaft straining against the soft cotton of his boxer shorts. I slide my hand inside the opening and it’s hot and hard and so velvety soft. I rub my hand along it, moving the skin gently under my palm, and he groans again. His own hand is busy at my skirt fastening and a second later it drops to the floor. His fingers are already delving into my knickers, reaching to my hot, damp sex. As he strokes my swollen lips and presses his fingers into the dark heart of me, I gasp as well and thrust my tongue into his mouth with rapture. His fingers slide up to my bud, and as he rubs over the little button, twirling it under his fingertips, it reacts with a force that makes me shudder and grip harder on the huge length of his penis. We’re pleasuring each other now, and then he slides his fingers back down through my wetness to the entrance, and pushes first one and then the other inside me. I throw back my head and cry out with the exquisite feeling. He pushes again and again, thrusting his fingers deep into me.
‘I’ve thought of nothing but you since we fucked,’ he says. ‘I can’t stop wanting to feel you and taste you.’
In response I begin to tug down his jeans. He has to take his hand from my knickers to let me take his jeans and boxers down his strong thighs and calves. As I reach the floor, I kneel in front of him. I press my face against his groin, his cock hard on my cheek as I inhale the delectable soft scent of his pubic hair. I can feel his fingers on my head, stroking my hair, wrapping strands gently around themselves. His penis is incredible and I want to love it in the way I hope it will soon be loving me. I run my lips over the length of his erection, marvelling again at the sweet softness of the skin and the iron hardness beneath. When I reach the top, I hold it with one hand while, with the other, I cup the heavy balls below, stroking them gently. I can hear his breathing become ragged as I caress them with my forefinger, and then in a quick movement, I take the head of his penis in my mouth, sucking it, twirling my tongue around it and over the top, all the while moving my hand along the shaft. Domini
c begins to move his hips, and his fingers clutch hard at my hair as I suck and rub, knowing that it’s causing him intense enjoyment. His pleasure is turning me on even more and I’m not sure how long I can stand it myself when he pulls himself free and says throatily, ‘You’ll make me come.’
The next moment, he’s beside me on the floor and then his mouth is mine again. He’s kissing me deep and hard, pushing me gently backwards until I’m lying on the cold marble. The contrast of our hot bodies and the cold floor is exhilarating, making me wriggle and sigh. Then I feel him pressing to enter me and in the next moment he slides inside, filling me up with that luscious, wanton feeling. I wrap my legs up over his back so that he can penetrate as deeply as possible; I want him – no, I need him right in the heart of me, pushing me onwards towards the racking pleasure I hunger for.
This is fierce, furious passion. He drives his hips down to meet mine, and then thrusts again. Our tongues meet, part, then meet again in time to his movements.
Then suddenly, Dominic grabs my wrists with one hand, pinning them above my head. A surge of excitement passes through me. So this is what it’s like to be restrained. Being locked under his body while he takes control is an incredible feeling.
‘Yes, my beautiful girl, yes,’ he says, his teeth gritted, his eyes burning into me with the fervour of his own sensations. ‘Come on, come for me.’
His words arouse me even more. It’s as though he’s taking ownership of my climax, and even in the grip of this fierce, erotic moment, I wonder if this is a taste of being submissive to Dominic. If it is, then maybe it’s more exciting than I realised. Each forward thrust brings his pubic bone grinding down on my clitoris, and pushes him deeper within me. I can feel the waves beginning, the rolling sensations of pleasure that begin in my groin and radiate out into my belly. Each wave lifts me higher and higher towards the apex of feeling, as the intensity I’m experiencing gets ever more excruciating. Then, as it becomes too much for me to stand, I feel the climax hit me, lifting me up in a tumble of magnificent pleasure. I cry out but there are no words, and as I stiffen and shudder, I feel him drive forward into me, pressing hard in several short, sharp thrusts and then, with a groan, he comes as well in long, intense strokes, pushing until eventually it’s over.
We lie in a daze for a few moments, panting and recovering ourselves, Dominic still inside me. As I smile luxuriously, running my hands over his back, he pulls out of me and I realise he’s frowning.
‘What is it?’ I ask, feeling the wetness of his come on my thigh.
‘I didn’t put a condom on.’
‘Well . . . actually, I’m on the Pill,’ I admit. ‘I’ve been on for it years and I didn’t stop when Adam and I broke up. But . . .’
He nods. ‘I know. Safe sex. It’s important, I shouldn’t have let myself get carried away.’ He looks serious. ‘Look, I get myself checked regularly as part of my medicals. I have a clean bill of health, so you don’t need to worry about me.’
I want to say the same but I suddenly realise that, of course, Adam was secretly fucking someone else, and I have no way of knowing how many partners she had, or whether they used a condom. Tears spring to my eyes.
‘What is it, sweetheart?’ Dominic says tenderly, stroking my hair. When I explain, with a tearful catch in my voice, he says, ‘I don’t think you should worry but if it will set your mind at rest, you can get yourself checked by my doctor. He’s nearby on Harley Street, and he’s fantastic. I’ll make you an appointment if you like. Or there’s a female doctor at the practice, if you’d prefer. If it makes you happy and sets your mind at rest.’
I’m touched by his concern and kiss his cheek. ‘Yes, maybe I’ll do that. Then I can put Adam and everything about him well and truly out of my mind.’
‘Good.’ He kisses me lightly on the lips. ‘Now – shall we get up? This floor is suddenly getting rather cold and hard.’
We take turns to shower and when Dominic comes back, dressed in his T-shirt and jeans again, I’ve got a glass of wine waiting for him in the sitting room, and I’m curled up on the sofa in the silk robe, my own glass clutched in my hand.
‘I didn’t actually have that in mind when I came to see you,’ Dominic says, smiling, as he sits down opposite me. ‘Although maybe I did, I don’t know . . .’
I smile back at him. ‘I’ve been so miserable today.’
‘Me too.’ His expression becomes sombre again. ‘But there’s still stuff we have to discuss.’
‘I know.’ I sigh. ‘It’s hard for me, Dominic. It’s hard to understand why something like what we’ve just shared isn’t enough for you. You want more. You want this strange other world that Vanessa introduced you to.’
He nods slowly. ‘I can’t really explain it, except that maybe it’s a little like taking drugs. Once you get used to getting your kicks that way, it’s hard to go back to being without it. At the moment, what we’re experiencing with each other is incredible, just incredible. There’s no denying that.’ An expression of sadness flits over his features. ‘But I know what will happen. After a while, I won’t be satisfied with it, not in the same way. I’ll want a little more, a little of that dangerous edge. I’ll want to have the thrill of control.’ He stares straight at me, his gaze clear and piercing. ‘And you don’t want to be controlled.’
‘You don’t know that,’ I protest. ‘Maybe I do want to be controlled!’
He shakes his head. ‘No. Most submissives have the urge for it from a very young age, it develops along with their sexuality. You see, it’s not that I want to beat women, not exactly – I want to exercise control over submissive personalities who desire my correction, and because I’m heterosexual, I get pleasure from doing that with women. It’s not about abusing anyone, it’s all completely agreed and quite safe and boundaried. But you don’t want that. If you had the desire to be flogged or spanked or punished, you’d probably know it by now.’
I return his gaze with a piercing one of my own. ‘You didn’t.’
He looks surprised. ‘What do you mean?’
‘According to you, you had no desires like that until Vanessa showed you what she wanted from you. And you didn’t even know you wanted to be dominant until you saw the flogging.’
There’s a long pause while he considers this, one hand absent-mindedly rubbing back and forth along the arm of his chair. Then, at last, he says, ‘You’re right. I didn’t know. But I don’t know if it’s the same for subs, that’s all.’
‘But why can’t we go on, and see what happens?’ I ask almost forlornly. ‘Perhaps this time you won’t have those urges.’
‘I can’t make that promise, Beth, and the truth is, that’s always happened in the past. I don’t want to make you feel something for me, and then leave you because it can’t work between us.’
‘It’s a little late for that,’ I say quietly.
‘I know. I’m sorry.’ He plucks at the chair cover, not able to look at me.
I stare at the long handsome body, too big for Celia’s delicate armchairs, and wonder how all this happened. ‘So you mean, even after what we just did, that it’s over, that it can’t go any further?’
Dominic looks up at me, his dark eyes sad. ‘I’m afraid so.’
I feel utterly wretched. ‘So that was just a farewell fuck?’ It comes out more cynically than I intended.
‘You know it wasn’t like that,’ he says softly.
I feel angry and grief-stricken in equal measure. ‘I just don’t know how you can tell me you want me, that you’ve thought of nothing else but me, that you can come the way you did just now – and then walk out on me.’
He closes his eyes for a moment. When he opens them, he looks even sadder than he did before we made love. He stands up slowly and says, ‘You know what? Neither can I. But it’s for the best, Beth. I promise.’
He walks over to me, stoops down and kisses my lips. The nearness of him is intoxicating but I close my eyes, trying to shut him out.
‘Beth.
’ His voice is hardly more than a low murmur. ‘I would like nothing more than to take you into the darkest part of me. I’d like to show you every last shred of the desire I have for you, and make you mine completely. But you can’t come back from that place, Beth, and I couldn’t bear to take you there and then lose you.’ There’s a heartbeat of a pause, then he whispers, ‘I’m sorry.’
I keep my eyes shut, but I know he’s pulled away from me, and his footsteps sound as he walks out of the room. Then I hear the front door shut behind him, and it feels as though my heart is breaking.
Chapter Eleven
‘No, I’m fine, really, Mum.’ I make a face at James, who’s putting a cup of coffee down on the desk for me, telegraphing that I won’t be long. He makes a ‘take as long as you like’ gesture and goes off to a discreet distance so that I can talk freely.
‘Are you sure, darling?’ My mother sounds anxious. ‘I worry about you on your own in that big city.’
‘I’m really all right. And I’m at work now, so I can’t talk . . . ’
‘Promise you’ll call me later? And I can catch a train to be with you any time if you need me.’
‘There’s no need for that, but I’ll definitely call you soon. I better go now.’
‘All right, then. Take care. Goodbye, I love you!’
‘I love you too, Mum. Bye.’ I put the phone down, comforted by the talk with my mother. Even though I didn’t tell her what’s happened with Dominic, her sharp mother antennae picked up some of the gloom I couldn’t quite stop from coming into my voice.
James comes back over to see how I’m doing with the catalogue proofs. I show him that they’re nearly finished.
‘Good,’ he says. ‘You’ve got an excellent eye for detail, Beth. That takes a weight off my shoulders, I can tell you. I’m not very good at that myself. Sometimes I get Erlend to double-check for me, but his written English isn’t perfect, and he can matters worse by putting mistakes in instead of taking them out.’ He shakes his head, laughing. ‘We’re a right old pair. Now – once the proofs are done, I’ve got some things we need to start dealing with.’
Fire After Dark Page 14