The Minnesota Candidate

by Nicholas Antinozzi

  Marie gulped her coffee and then she ran her fingers through her tangled mat of hair. “How do I look?” she asked.

  “You look fine. I’ll go into the store. There’s a little mom and pop place just down the road. I think they open at six.”

  Marie looked at the clock on the wall and turned back to Doris. “Well, what are we waiting for?”

  Doris walked over and picked up Shari’s keys from the counter. They then walked outside. The morning sky was a pinkish color, but the western horizon was black with storm clouds. There was a distant rumble of thunder. Doris walked inside the service door to the garage and she pressed the button for the garage door opener. Slowly, the big door yawned open. “Can you drive one of these things?” she asked.

  “I can drive anything with wheels. Remember, I used to drive a truck.”

  Doris did remember that. Marie had attended a truck driver training course at a technical school, but that had been many years ago. That was during Marie’s decades-long postsecondary school phase. Back then, Marie had always been going to some kind of school, but as far as Doris knew, she hadn’t attained a single degree or certificate. What she had earned was a mountain of student loan debt.

  Marie climbed behind the wheel and Doris hopped in the passenger seat and handed her the keys. “How long has it been since you’ve driven a car?”

  “I think Reagan was still president.”

  “Oh, well that wasn’t so long ago.”

  “Nah, it’s just like riding a bike,” Marie said, sticking the key into the ignition and starting up the red BMW. The car told the women to buckle up and both women obeyed. Marie shifted into reverse and slowly backed out of the garage. “You see,” she said, “there’s nothing to it.”

  “This is just like old times,” said Doris, smiling. “Do you remember us stealing Vince’s car?”

  “He was your husband and my brother, we didn’t steal anything.”

  “That’s not what he said.”

  Marie pressed buttons until she found the one that controlled her window. She put it all the way down. “Vince was an asshole. I can’t believe you even married him.”

  Doris stared out the passenger window as the BMW crawled down the driveway. She didn’t like it when Marie said bad things about Vince. They passed through the gate and Marie stopped at the end of the driveway. “Take a right,” said Doris.

  Marie steered onto the empty street and then she stomped on the gas pedal. The BMW took off like a rocket. “Woo!” cried Marie. “This is one helluva car!”

  “Slow down! Do you want to get a ticket? You don’t even have a driver’s license!”

  Marie ignored Doris as she snaked the high performance car through a series of S curves. “Yeah baby!” she shouted, her tangled hair flying in the wind.

  “I’m warning you, Marie! Slow down!”

  “What did you say?”

  “I said… slow down!”

  “Oh, you’re no fun,” grunted Marie. She pressed on the brake and brought their speed back to the posted limit. “You’ve got to loosen up, Doris. We don’t have a lot of time left on this planet. We have to live while we still can.”

  “We’ll have plenty of time for living large, but after we get into that house. Now, will you please control yourself? The store is up around a corner, somewhere. You have to watch for it.”

  “I can’t believe how good it feels to drive a car. I’m buying one of these with my share of the money. You should buy one, too.”

  “I’ve never driven a car and you know it. I’m too old to learn how.”

  “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

  “Hey, you just passed the store. That was it!”

  Marie slammed on the brakes and whipped a U-turn, smoking the tires of the BMW. She then whipped into the parking lot of the little store. She had no sooner shifted into park when red lights flashed in the rearview mirror. “Oh shit,” whispered Marie.

  “Are you kidding me? I told you to cool it, but no, you wouldn’t listen to me. We’re going to jail, Marie. You know that, don’t you?”

  “We’re not going anywhere,” she hissed, unbuttoning her blouse to reveal chalky white cleavage. “Let me handle this.”

  “We’re going to jail.”

  “Shut up!”

  Slowly, the young male police officer approached Marie’s open window. “Good morning,” he said, leaning over and peering inside. “You were in quite a hurry back there. Is everything alright?”

  Marie batted her eyes at the young man. “I’m sorry about that. Umm... no, actually my sister in-law has been really sick this morning. She has an explosive case of diarrhea. We’re trying to get her something to settle her tummy.”

  The young cop, who Doris thought was quite handsome, gave her a sympathetic look. “Is that so?” he asked.

  Doris gave him a pained expression and nodded her head. “This is so embarrassing,” she said, meaning every word of it.

  The cop seemed to consider this and he looked at his watch. “Lady,” he said to Marie, “this is your lucky day. I’m getting off in fifteen minutes and I’m letting you off with a warning. If I ever catch you driving like that again, I’ll write you so many tickets that you’ll never get your license back. Do you understand me?”

  “Yes sir, thank you, sir.”

  “Now, get into that store before your poor sister in-law has an accident. And slow down!”

  “Yes sir, thank you, sir.”

  The young cop just shook his head and he walked back to his car. Doris handed Marie the twenty. Marie hauled herself out of the little car and practically ran into the store. While she was inside, much to Doris’ relief, the police car sped away. Marie returned and handed Doris a pack of Marlboros and a small tube of Tums. Doris tore open the Tums and popped four wafers into her mouth. “Do you know how lucky you are?” she asked, chewing on the Tums.

  Marie tossed her hair back. “Works every time,” she giggled.

  “Why didn’t you tell him that you were sick to your stomach? He was pretty cute.”

  “You just answered your own question,” said Marie, starting up the car and backing out of the parking spot. A car horn blared, followed by the sound of screeching tires. Marie waved her hand out the window and quickly shifted into drive. “Did you see that maniac?” she asked. “He almost hit us.”

  “You never even checked your mirror before you backed out!”

  “Hello… I did have the right of way. I was in a parking lot.”

  Doris shook her head and grimaced. During the ride back, Marie tried lighting up a cigarette. Doris shook her finger at Marie and sternly shook her head. “Show a little respect,” she said.

  Marie rolled her eyes, but said nothing. She pulled the BMW into the driveway and she stopped at the gate. “What do I do now?” she asked.

  “You’ve got to wave that little thingy in front of that black thing.”

  “Wave what in front of what?”

  Doris groaned and pointed to the little plastic tab that Tommy had used to open the gate. She then pointed to the black sensor pad. “Just wave it in front of the pad,” she said.

  Marie did as instructed and the gate slowly began to open. “I’m going to get one of these,” she said, nodding to the gate. “That’ll keep the riff-raff out.”

  “Yeah, you wouldn’t want someone stealing your BMW,” said Doris.

  The two women were overcome by a fit of laughter. Marie laughed for so long that the gate nearly closed before she could drive through it. On the other side, Marie stopped the car and shifted into park. “Hey,” she said. “I just had an idea.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Well, we’ve still got to find a way to get that damn heavy ladder down behind the house, right?”

  “Well… yeah.”

  “And the ladder is just over there, right?”

  Doris nodded as she slowly got the picture. “And you think we should put the ladder on the roof of the car?”

  “That�
�s exactly what I’m thinking. You can hang onto it and I’ll drive it all the way around to the back of the house.”

  “I don’t know… what if you get stuck?”

  “That ground is as hard as rock,” said Marie, already climbing out the driver’s door. “Let’s do it.”

  Doris tossed up her hands in exasperation. She unfastened her seatbelt and met Marie at the front of the idling car. They lit up cigarettes and walked into the woods. Lightning flashed and it was followed by a rumble of thunder. A cloud of hungry gnats swarmed in the cigarette smoke. The women each took an end of the ladder and they waddled out of the woods, puffing clouds of smoke to hold the gnats at bay. Using all of their combined strength, they heaved the ladder onto the roof of the shiny BMW. The roof made a scratchy sound as they slid the ladder into a balancing position. “I hope they’re not out of bed,” said Doris. “We’d have a hard time talking ourselves out of this one.”

  “You can say that again, sister. Okay, hop in, you’re going to have to stick your arm out the window and hang onto the ladder.”

  “Why do you always talk to me like a child? I have a brain, ya know. I know what to do.”

  Marie didn’t reply. They climbed back into the car and she began to drive. She drove slowly, but the curves in the driveway and the length of the ladder proved to be a bad combination. They had to stop three times to heft the ladder back onto the roof. Each time the ladder slid off, the roof screeched. When they were out of the woods, Marie turned the BMW down onto the lawn. The car began to bounce. Despite Doris’ grip, the ladder rocked up and down, banging off the trunk and hood. “Hang onto the damn thing,” growled Marie.

  “I’m trying! Slow down, you stupid idiot! I can’t hold it!”

  “Who are you calling a stupid idiot?”

  They argued like this all the way around to the back of the house. Marie, determined to complete this phase of the mission, didn’t stop the car until they were exactly where they needed to be. She slapped the transmission into park and jumped out of the car. Doris climbed out and she gasped when she saw the damage. The ladder had left crumpled grooves in the roof of the car. Both the hood and trunk were heavily dented. “Well, isn’t this just great?” she asked. “We are in such deep shit.”

  “Hey, what the hell were we supposed to do? We did get the ladder back here.”

  “Don’t talk to me. Let’s just get this thing off the car and get back to the house.”

  Lightning crashed nearby and Marie ran to the front of the car. Doris held up her hands and scrambled to the back. Like a pair of veteran firefighters, they hefted the ladder off of the roof and tossed it down onto the lawn. They hopped back into the car and Marie followed her tire tracks back to the driveway. “This looks like a really bad storm,” said Marie. “Look at how black the sky is.”

  Thunder rolled above them as Doris stared at the clouds. Marie sped up the driveway, trying to beat the rain. Halfway there, large hailstones began falling from the sky; the size of baseballs, they slammed into the sheet metal and left fist-sized pockmarks. The windshield first cracked, then it spider-webbed. Doris screamed. “Open the garage door!” Marie fumbled with the control, just as the interior of the car was filled with blazing blue light. Doris felt a blast of electricity in the fillings of her teeth. She stared at Marie in horror. “Look out!” she cried.

  Behind Marie, the big oak tree began to crack. Doris flung open her door and leapt from the sports car. Behind her, like a cat in a bathtub, Marie clawed her way out the passenger door. She slammed it shut and scrambled inside the garage to join Doris. The old oak cracked again and then it crashed to the ground, smashing the BMW under its massive trunk and limbs. Doris and Marie hugged each other. Then, shaking with terror, they both lit up cigarettes.

  The service door opened and Shari and Tom ran out into the garage. “Oh my God!” gasped Shari, “my poor little car!”

  “I thought you parked it inside the garage?” asked Tom.

  “No,” said Marie, shaking her head. “That car was parked right there when we came out here to smoke, wasn’t it, Doris?”

  Doris, who was still shaking with fear, could only nod her head.

  “Are you two okay?” asked Shari. “That must have been terrifying.”

  “Yeah,” said Marie, “we came out here and opened the big door. We lit up our smokes and the next thing you know, wham! Your car was toast.”

  “I don’t know what I was thinking,” said Shari, stepping over to stand next to Doris. “Give me one of those. My insurance company is going to drop us, I just know it.”

  Doris handed Shari a cigarette and she held up her lighter for Shari. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, honey. At least you weren’t sitting behind the wheel when that tree fell. My word, you would have been smashed like a bug.”

  “You can say that again,” said Marie.

  A blast of wind whipped rain into the garage and Tom walked back to the far wall to close the door. He had been about to ask where the cigarettes had come from, but he caught himself in the nick of time. Shari hadn’t left her beloved car in the driveway, he seemed sure of it. Still, he could never admit that to anyone. Tom closed the door and rejoined the smoking women. Shari coughed as she smoked. “I haven’t done this since college,” she said, offering the cigarette to Tom.

  “No thanks,” he said, waving his hand at the coffin nail. “Who wants breakfast? I was thinking about scrambling up some eggs.”

  “I’ll have mine over easy,” said Marie, crushing her cigarette under her shoe.

  Doris dropped hers in the same spot and ground it out. “You know me, honey. I’ll take three eggs poached and three pieces of toast. Thank you, this is really a treat.”

  Shari continued smoking as the two women walked into the house. “I thought for sure that I parked in here,” she said. “I don’t know… with everything going on, I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

  “What did you think of the journals?”

  “I don’t want to talk about them. I don’t want to talk about anything serious, okay? I’m sorry, but this day has gotten off to a horrible start. I just want to have some breakfast and coffee. I’m just not ready to deal with anymore bullshit. We can talk later.”

  Tom watched as Shari dropped her cigarette to the floor. Without even stomping it out, she tossed her head back and walked to the door. Tom waited until she was gone. He then began doing a mad dance of rage. He swung his arms and kicked his legs and silently screamed at the open rafters. He was so angry that he picked up Shari’s cigarette and he began to smoke it.

  “What are you doing?” asked Shari, who was suddenly standing at the door.

  “What does it look like I’m doing?”

  “Put that thing out. Your mom says that she’s starving.”

  Chapter 24

  “Boy,” said Sam, standing at the window, “this is one helluva storm.”

  Chona was still in bed and she sat up, sleepily. “What time is it?”

  “It’s almost seven. I’m going to Mass at that church down the street. Would you like to come along?”

  “You know what? That sounds good. If we get moving, we can make the eight O’clock service.”

  “Yeah, I was thinkin’ the same thing. I love ya, baby-doll.”

  “And I love you, too, cutie-pie.”

  Sam smiled, remembering the last time someone had called him cutie-pie. He had broken the guy’s nose. “I’ve already got the coffee on. Should I bring you a cup?”

  “No, thank you. I’ve got to get up and get into the shower.”

  “I’m all done in there. Knock yourself out.”

  Chona swept the covers back and climbed out of bed, completely naked. Sam smiled as he watched her walk into the bathroom. She was muscular, but curvy in all the right places. He couldn’t believe how much his life had changed in such a short amount of time. He walked into the kitchen and refilled up his coffee cup. He had been up since 4:00 and was already into his second pot. He sat down at th
e kitchen table and stared out the window into the driving rain, thinking about his conversation with Fat Tommy and Shari. “A ray gun,” he said, chuckling to himself. “That’s rich, Tommy. Now I’ve heard everything.”

  Thunder boomed overhead and the rain obscured the houses across the street. Sam hoped the storm would let up while they ran to church. He sipped his coffee, knowing in his heart that he had done the right thing by spilling the beans to Shari. Two wrongs didn’t make a right and nobody knew that better than he did.

  The rain did let up and Sam and Chona walked to St. Olaf’s Catholic Church, under the protection of Chona’s umbrella. The church was nearly filled to capacity and they had to sit in the back pew. Parishioners continued to funnel into the sanctuary. The elderly were offered folding chairs and younger members stood in the wings. Father Ericson said Mass and gave a powerful sermon about standing up for Jesus Christ and the Catholic Church. “These are dark days,” he had said, and God had seemed to answer with a roaring clap of thunder. Later, after they returned home, Sam asked Chona about that.

  “That was uncanny,” she said. “I know my heart was pounding.”

  “Yeah, mine too. I thought that old Priest was gonna have a heart attack.”

  Chona laughed. “So, you never told me about how it went with Tom and Shari. Were you able to sort things out?”

  “Well, that depends on how you look at it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, we had a long talk, but it wasn’t about her thinkin’ I stole her gun or nuttin’ like that. As a matter of fact, I’m kind of embarrassed to tell you what we talked about. You’ll think it’s crazy.”

  “I will not. Go ahead and tell me, now you’ve got me curious.”

  “Tommy didn’t want me to tell anyone, but I ain’t gonna start keepin’ secrets from you. I expect the same in return. Secrets are the torpedoes that sink marriages. I know we ain’t married, but it means the same thing.”

  “I couldn’t agree more. I promise never to keep secrets from you, Sam. Now, tell me what you guys talked about.”