by Nadia Lee
“Was he sincere when you told him about Mia?”
“Uh…not exactly…”
Bennie stares at me intently. “You haven’t told him.”
“No. Not yet.”
“You won’t have to tell him if you two stay apart. But if you get involved again, you’ll have to. Have you thought about the fallout?”
No, I haven’t. I’ve been too wrapped up in me and Lucas. Guilt knots my chest. What kind of person does that make me?
Bennie isn’t finished. “If he doesn’t care about Mia, then you’ve got the wrong guy. If he does, you’re with the right kind of man, but…he’s going to totally disrupt her existence.”
My head starts to throb. God, what a mess! I don’t know where to start unraveling it.
I rub my temples and finally say, “You’re making this too complicated. I’m going to have a relationship with Lucas, not go to a confessional. He doesn’t need to know everything.” I exhale roughly. “Mia isn’t even really his baby now.”
Bennie keeps glaring at me. “You tell yourself that if it makes you feel better, but you and I both know the truth. What are you going to tell Darcy and Ray? Do they know what you’re planning to do?”
“No.” I place a hand over my twisting belly. “I haven’t had a chance to tell anyone anything.”
“If you want to keep things secret, you’re going to have to cut Darcy and Ray out of your life, or you’re going to cost them Mia. Losing her would be worse than the miscarriage.”
I feel my vision dim at Bennie’s negativity. I can’t handle it right now. What I wanted from my friend was a bit of concern and a lot of “good luck”. But it looks like I’m only going to get the concern.
Bennie knows I would never cut Darcy and Ray out of my life. They were the ones who showed me that I could be more than my parents. They took in a teenager with horrible attitude problems and turned her into something that could pass for a respectable human being. Without them, I would’ve ended up a crack whore or something.
But even owing them as much as I did, I stayed somewhat aloof, not asking for their help while in college because I was too scared of being turned down. It was nicer to pretend I had people who cared about me instead of putting that fantasy to the test.
It wasn’t until I was adrift and pregnant that I had no choice but to turn to them. My lack of judgment…and only the sweetest understanding and support from them… Just thinking about it still makes my heart fill with gratitude and love.
Because I know what wonderful people they are and how much they wanted to have a child of their own, I let them adopt Mia so she can have the lovely life and opportunities that I never had growing up. And unlike some random adoption agency couple, if they raise Mia I can watch her grow up. I love seeing how she thrives, basking in their love and care.
“You’re right. Things are not ideal,” I say. “No matter who I end up with, I’m not going to have a perfect relationship. You know why? Because perfect relationships don’t exist. I know you don’t approve, Bennie, but it would mean a lot if you could just support me here. After all, you are my best friend.”
Bennie’s handsome face falls. He drags his fingers through his hair. “I know you want this to work. But I’m worried that if it doesn’t, I’ll be the one picking up the pieces and trying to put you back together. Like I did last time,” he says pointedly. “I can’t watch you suffer like that again.”
“Bennie…”
“But, I guess… If this is what’s going to make you happy…” He sighs. “Fuck it. You only live once, right?”
Fond emotions surge inside me. I wrap my arms around him. “Thank you. I couldn’t ask for a better friend.”
He hugs me back, enveloping me in his familiar, comforting warmth. “You’re welcome. I think you’re being very brave, and I admire you for it.”
I close my eyes, grateful for his friendship. What would I do without him?
Suddenly something vibrates between us, and I pull back. “Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just trying to make me happy to see you?”
“Har har.” He takes the phone out, checks the screen and shoves it back.
“Go ahead and take it. I don’t mind.”
“It’s no one.”
The taut way he speaks lets me know who tried to contact him. “It’s Drew, isn’t it?”
Bennie shakes his head. “I told him I didn’t want to talk to him. I don’t know why he keeps bothering me.”
My instinct tells me he should call back and listen to what Drew has to say. But after asking him to give me his approval despite his misgivings, I can’t bring myself to criticize him for his relationship decisions. I reach over and squeeze his hand.
“Thanks for not nagging,” Bennie says.
“I’m sure you have good reasons for doing what you’re doing. I don’t want to make you doubt yourself.”
“I always thought I was the best friend a person could have, but you’re not too bad yourself.”
I elbow his ribs lightly. “And I thought my ego was the biggest.”
Bennie laughs. But somehow I can’t help but think that he’s secretly miserable.
Chapter Seventeen
Lucas
I find myself in front of Ava’s apartment a little before six o’clock. I didn’t plan to come so early, but I couldn’t make myself stay away. She agreed to go to the States with me, but it’s going to be impossible to relax until she’s actually on the plane.
So you’re being clingy. Just the way your mother always hated.
A coat of sweat films my palms, and I wipe them on my pants. I’m no longer the grubby, needy child that not even his own mother wanted to touch. And Ava isn’t as cold as Betsy Ford. Probably no woman could be.
I knock on the door and wait, holding a bouquet of calla lilies. I saw them on my way to Ava’s apartment, and I had to ask the taxi driver to stop so I could get them for her. The elegant white blossoms reminded me of Ava—her beauty and her grace.
The door opens, and instead of Ava’s lovely smile, I’m confronted with Bennie. His face scrunches like he’s just stepped in a pile of dog shit on the sidewalk as his eyes rake me up and down.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
“I have a dinner date with Ava,” I answer evenly. Arguing with Ava’s best friend probably won’t earn me any brownie points. Knowing how important Bennie is to her, I want to have a good relationship with him as well.
“Really? Is that what you just decided?”
What’s with this hostility? “No. She knows I’m coming.”
“She didn’t say anything about it.”
“Why should she?” My temper starts to fray. “You’re not her chaperone.”
“No, just a good friend who had to watch you ruin her career.” Bennie shoves his feet into a pair of dingy sneakers at the entryway and comes outside, closing the door behind him. “You’re a selfish SOB who’s only out for Number One. Don’t lie and tell me you care about Ava.”
“You’re half-right. I am a selfish son of a bitch, but contrary to what you assume, I care a great deal about Ava.”
“Is that why you humiliated her at her school? You know what kind of rumors are flying around about her?”
It’s a bit of a shock to realize that Ava has told him everything. At some level, I guess it makes sense since they’re best friends. Still, the knowledge that he’s this close of a confidant starts to burn like acid.
“Do they matter? We’re leaving tomorrow,” I say, even as guilt prickles my conscience.
“Without a goodbye party with her friends? I don’t think so, buster.” Bennie shakes his head. “Maybe this is just a game to you. I mean, you’re rich, right? So who gives a shit about a few ruined lives along the way so long as you get what you want? But to her the job meant something. And if you don’t understand that, you’re just a prick who only gives lip service to the idea that you care about her.”
Anger swells in my chest. How dare
he accuse me of not caring about her? He knows nothing about me—how I feel.
Bennie continues. “Be honest. You want her because you think she’s a challenge. Or maybe you figure she’ll be easy to manipulate because her family was poor. How hard is it to dazzle a girl who grew up hungry?”
“If you think that, you don’t know much about me at all. I care about her because I value her sweetness, her kindness, and her loyalty.” All the things I saw when I first met her…and wanted for myself with a desperation that bordered on obsession. “I won’t insult both our intelligence and claim that my feelings are purely platonic. I want her in my bed. But if I only wanted sex, there are much less challenging women.”
“Then why are you using money to force her to take you back? Because that’s what this is about, isn’t it? You making sure she can’t support herself without you?”
Because money’s the only thing of value I can offer. Anything else would be unfair.
“I want to provide for her, give her things that she’s never had before. It isn’t wrong for a man to want to see the woman he cares for live in comfort.”
Bennie sneers. “Like I said—with money. Just like—” He suddenly stops and shakes his head.
My eyes narrow. He was about to say something critical. Come on, say it!
Predictably, he doesn’t. “If you ever bother to get to know her—really know her—you’ll realize what you’re offering to, quote provide for her unquote, will never be enough. It doesn’t matter how poor she grew up. She doesn’t care about money, not the way you think. Otherwise she would’ve kept on buying those stupid lottery tickets.”
What the…? The Ava I know is careful with her funds. I can’t imagine her pissing away what little she has on something as pointless as a lottery.
Bennie continues, “So take a moment to think about that before you do anything else to corner her into being with you.”
The muscles in my left cheek tick as he hits my sore point. Deep inside I know she only consented to stay with me because she has no better option—I made sure of it.
If she had other choices, she’d never give me a second look.
Who cares about that? You can’t let her go now.
Of course not. She’s as vital as air to me. And I’ll fight anyone who dares try to take her away.
Chapter Eighteen
Ava
It’s silly to start getting ready for dinner when it’s barely six, but I can’t help it. Lucas called earlier to get directions. He’ll be here soon, and there are butterflies fluttering in my belly as the minutes tick by.
I apply a fresh coat of lipstick on my mouth. It’s a sexy shade of red, and I like the way it makes my lips look plump and juicy. I check my appearance in the mirror one more time. Blush has added some color to my cheeks, and my long-sleeved wine-red dress with floral lace patterns is fitted with a flirty, flaring skirt. I picked it up on sale last year at a store in Tokyo. Although back then I laughed at my own silliness for buying something I might never wear, I’m glad to have it now. I put on the set of pearl earrings and matching necklace that Darcy and Ray gave me at my college graduation. I chided them for being extravagant, but now I’m grateful. I don’t own anything that can really be considered nice—most of my accessories are sale items from inexpensive stores—certainly not fancy enough to wear on a dinner date with Lucas.
A knock sounds at my door, and Bennie sticks his head in. “Your man’s here. Says you two have a date.” His tone makes it clear he isn’t crazy about me going out with Lucas. “I parked him in the living room.”
“Okay.” I go over and lightly pat his back. “I know you’re trying. Thank you.”
“Sorry.” He runs his fingers through his hair. “It’s just… I want to be supportive, but seeing his face… Fuck. It reminds me of what you’ve lost.”
“If you mean Mia—” I say, voice low.
“And more. He’s cost you so much.”
I squeeze his shoulder. “I didn’t lose her. She’s happy where she is, and I would’ve made a terrible mother.”
“You’re way too harsh on yourself. Shitty parents are people like your parents and mine, not you.” He huffs out a breath. “Anyway, have fun.”
The moment I step out of my room, I spot Lucas. My breath hitches at the perfection of his presence. He is impeccably dressed in a black button-down shirt and a jacket that accentuate the strong lines of his chest and a pair of inky pants that fits perfectly around his hips and shows off outlines of his muscled thighs. His long dark brown hair covers the left side of his face, hiding the scar from view. The vulnerability that represents makes my heart clench.
What am I doing with him? Lucas is so beautiful, so perfect. And I…
I feel like a fraud.
He told me how he felt about me, but there’s a part of me that wonders if it’s just a dream, some kind of wish-fulfillment hallucination. What woman wouldn’t love to hear a man like Lucas say that about her?
But it did happen. He feels so incredibly possessive about you, he values you and you should accept that if you want this to work.
He stands from my crappy couch. He walks over purposefully and pulls me into his arms, his head slanting down. Our noses brush, and his mouth fits over mine. I respond immediately, my lips softening underneath his. My heart hammers, knocking against my chest in a rapid staccato. I curl my hands around his biceps.
Some pointed throat-clearing pulls me out of the moment. Lucas gives Bennie a cold stare for a second before turning and going back to the couch. He leans over, reaches behind the far arm and produces a bouquet of calla lilies.
“Thank you,” I say, taking the flowers. I bury my nose in the blossoms, inhaling their sweet scent. It reminds me a little bit of how things were when we were in Charlottesville. He would often come over with flowers back then, too. “Let me put these in a vase and we can go.”
I kind of feel like a traitor, but I want to leave as soon as possible. Bennie isn’t happy about my reconnecting with Lucas, and I’m afraid if we stay much longer there’s going to be trouble.
Thankfully, since our place is so tiny, I’m able to keep an eye on both men. Bennie is staring at Lucas with his arms crossed over his chest, his stance overtly aggressive. Lucas merely gives him the cool, condescending smile of a man who knows he’s won. I sigh inwardly. I need to talk to Lucas about being just a tiny bit gracious.
“Okay, let’s go.” I grab my purse. Lucas places a possessive hand at the small of my back. The touch is searingly hot, and I inhale sharply as liquid heat loosens my limbs and pools between my legs.
Lucas lowers his head so he can whisper into my ear, “As much as I would love to, we’re not skipping dinner.”
I look at him over a shoulder. “Who said anything about skipping meals?”
He grins at me. It’s so unexpectedly light and carefree that I can’t help but lean into him, knowing that I’m the one who put that smile on his face.
“Ava, I might be an insensitive Neanderthal, but I can sense when you’re turned on.”
“You mean you’re a horny Neanderthal,” I tease, running my fingertip along the exposed skin at his throat. I say to Bennie, “See you later.”
“Sure.” He opens his mouth then presses his lips together tightly. “Stay safe. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
Too late. I’m already doing something he wouldn’t do. He’s worried at the moment, but once he knows things are different now it’ll be okay.
A gleaming taxi is waiting for us outside. The driver opens the door, and we get in. He starts off without any instructions from Lucas.
“Where are we going?” I ask.
“A sushi restaurant the concierge recommended. But if you don’t like it, we can do something else.”
“Like room service?” I waggle my eyebrows.
“Possible…very possible. You know how much I love room service. It’s efficient and we have a big bed to ourselves right next to the table.” His gaze is ho
t as it traces the shape of my mouth. “Dinner in bed sounds even better than breakfast in bed, don’t you think?”
I’m tempted to tell him we should go to the hotel then so we can be cocooned in each other. On the other hand, I’ve made a big deal about not being his dirty little secret, the one he hides from the world.
“We can do sushi. The anticipation will make it even hotter.”
“Mmm.” He lowers his head and kisses me so fast that I barely have the time to feel the pressure. “You’re a cruel woman, Ava.”
“Not cruel.” I place my head on his broad shoulder. “Just want to make it work this time.”
The light mood slips, and he grows serious. “I do, too. I can’t go back to what the last two years were like.” He pulls me onto his lap and holds me like he’s afraid I might vanish at any moment. He’s not the only one who feels the anxiety of botching our second chance. You’d think it’d be easier on a repeat attempt, but it’s much worse because now I know the exact shape and texture of failure.
We stop in front of a squat white building. It’s only two stories tall, and in front is a small rock garden with pale, smooth pebbles.
I reluctantly leave Lucas’s lap so he can pay our fare. The driver levers the door open, and Lucas steps out and helps me exit the cab, his warm, strong hand closing around mine. I smile at him and link my fingers tightly with his, not letting go even after I’m fully out and standing.
He lifts my hand and kisses the knuckles. The hot moist touch of his lips sends frissons of heat along my spine. He can do so many wicked things with his mouth, bring my body to immeasurable heights of pleasure. Shivers run through me. I want to be with him like that again, him devouring me then rising up and driving into me with his thick, hard cock. It’s been so long since I’ve let a man possess me so completely.
“Keep thinking like that, and we aren’t having dinner after all,” he warns me, grazing my knuckles with his teeth.
“Blame yourself for being too sexy.”
He gives me a light grin. “Too sexy, am I?”