by Lois Richer
Frowning, Noah handed over the guitar. “I’m gonna feed the puppies again before we go home.”
Maddie watched him leave the deck, her heart full of thanksgiving for the world that had been opened to him tonight.
“You’re crying. Why?” Jesse murmured, taking the chair next to hers that Noah had vacated, and sliding his hand over hers.
“Because for the first time Noah’s questioning his rules.” Maddie was so moved she could hardly express herself. “Thanks to you.”
“Don’t get too excited.” Jesse patted her hand and let it go but the warmth of his touch remained. “Kids are changeable. By tomorrow he’ll probably revert to what’s ingrained inside him. I think it’s going to take a while for him to move beyond what he’s learned.”
“You’re probably right.” The weight of parenthood settled heavily on her. Why had God let Liam, a minister, be so wrong? The same old question still had no answer, but just for tonight Maddie was going to cling to her faith that God was changing things for her and Noah. “I’d better get home. I have a big day tomorrow.”
“Bigger than usual?” He gave her a questioning look when she nodded. “Why?”
“Emma’s latest order of quilting supplies came in today. It’s a lot of stuff and we’ve had a ton of requests for it all, so it will sell. But there are so many new items that I’ll have to reorganize everything in the notions corner.” She grimaced. “Even then I don’t know if it will all fit.”
“Couldn’t you do a revolving thing like you did with that fabric?” he suggested.
“I’m not sure I know how that would work in such a small space, and I don’t like to make too many changes without Emma’s input,” Maddie admitted.
“You’re the manager. You’ll think of a way to make the store work better.” He grinned at her heavy sigh. “Maybe I could stop by tomorrow on my way home from work and help,” he offered. “I’m on the early shift.”
“That would be very kind, if you’re sure you don’t mind?” Why did her heart give this silly little hiccup at the thought of working with Jesse again?
“No problem.” He seemed to hesitate.
“Was there something else?” she asked, curious about his silence.
“I was wondering if Noah could come back with me to Emma’s after school sometimes.” There was a hesitancy in his offer that she didn’t understand. “Maybe he could help me with a few things.”
“The dogs, you mean?”
“That and some ideas I have to make it easier for Gran to manage when she comes home. The steps up to this deck could be covered with a temporary ramp. That would make it easier for her to care for her roses. And maybe I can do something in her bathroom to simplify showering.” Jesse was so thoughtful—about everyone. It was a trait Maddie greatly admired.
“Maybe Noah would enjoy helping you make Emma’s home better. Let’s ask him,” she suggested, when he appeared. Jesse explained, then they waited for her son to decide.
“Okay, but...” Noah’s eager look melted. “I dunno know how to build stuff.”
“Well, of course you don’t. You haven’t learned. Yet.” Jesse messed his hair, then laughed when Noah smoothed it. “We’ll figure it out together.”
“Tomorrow is swimming.”
“You can’t miss that,” Jesse agreed. “Not when you’re going to be a lifeguard.” He grinned at Maddie. “So how about I pick up Noah, take him to his lesson and we come here after?”
“It’s very kind of you. Thank you.” She smiled at Noah. “We must get home now. Cocoa will want dinner.”
“She’s good at waiting,” Noah said as they drove away. “I’m not.”
Neither am I. Maddie chided herself for the excitement that thought brought her.
Funny how things seemed so much brighter with Jesse in the picture.
Chapter Eight
“Very clever solution. I knew you were made for Gran’s business.” Jesse grinned.
After a month of continued contact over coffee, snacks and sometimes dinner, he’d fallen into an easy friendship with Maddie that revolved around Noah, Emma’s prolonged recovery and both their jobs. Already Jesse saw many changes in the woman who sat across from him on the patio at Wranglers Ranch. For one thing she no longer shrank from every challenge but was slowly growing more confident in her ability to handle whatever came up.
“I doubt my new thread display is that crucial to the business,” Maddie chuckled. “But thanks to your support and Emma’s, too, I am learning that I can handle things. I couldn’t ask for a better boss. Did you know she put me on an email list for a daily Bible study?”
Maddie’s smile brought sunshine to Jesse’s world and cheered his spirit, keeping him from dwelling on his perpetual ‘Why, God?’ questions.
“You’re both really great encouragers.”
“It’s not so much us as it is you,” he said quietly, studying the steam that floated upward from his coffee cup before he lifted his head to look into her lovely eyes. It wasn’t that Maddie hadn’t been poised before, but now she didn’t raise her hand to cover her scar when he studied her. “You’re beginning to understand that God didn’t create dummies.”
Her eyes flared wide before she burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny?”
“You.” She shook her head. “You wouldn’t say that if you’d seen my macaroni and cheese dish last week.” She wrinkled her nose and squeezed her eyes closed. “Disgusting.”
“The one you made last night wasn’t bad,” he replied. Then, when her eyes demanded truth, he added, “Except for the charred parts.”
Maddie hooted with laughter again, drawing Sophie’s attention. The woman left Noah’s school group and walked toward them. “More coffee?” she asked, holding the pot.
“Thanks, Sophie, but I’d better not. I need to get back to work.” Maddie glanced at her son, her face pensive. “I only stopped by this morning to see how he’s doing at riding.” She pursed her lips. “Not that well apparently.”
The baby monitor on Sophie’s hip gave a wail and she hurriedly said goodbye before striding toward the house.
“Seeing Sophie with baby Carter almost makes me wish I could start over with Noah. I’d do things so differently, insist on a more normal childhood for one thing.” She blinked again quickly. “He’s growing away from me, Jesse. And I don’t know what to do about it.”
“Keep showing him you love him,” her friend advised.
“I’m doing that, of course, but what if that’s not enough?” Worry crowded out her smile. “He keeps pushing me away and I don’t understand why.”
“He’s struggling internally.” But with what, exactly? That was Jesse’s conundrum. “My guess is that it has to do with his father’s rules. Breaking them causes him a lot of self-doubt and pain. Something makes Noah feel he must keep them, or else. Only we don’t know what the ‘or else’ is.”
“Those stupid rules!” She modulated her voice when heads turned to study them. “I wonder if Liam had any idea of the problems his rules would cause.”
“Did they cause problems for you when you were married?” Jesse hungered to know more details of Maddie’s past and what had formed her into this amazingly strong woman.
“Yes, they caused problems for me.” Her shoulders drooped. “I felt like I was in prison, that I couldn’t be genuine. I had to become some caricature so that I fit all Liam’s stipulations. Not that I ever knew who the real me was.” She made a face. “I guess that’s why working at Emma’s was such a blessing. After our first meeting I was able to relax and enjoy my time with the fabrics and people. That meant a lot.”
“And Liam didn’t object?”
“I guess he thought I might as well earn some money, since I was hopeless at being a minister’s wife.” She shrugged. �
��I could only work while Noah was at school, but those precious hours were like my weekly vacation.”
“Emma is blessed to have you.” Jesse had noted several times that whenever her husband’s name came up, Maddie tensed. “I know this might hurt you but I have to ask.” He exhaled, then posed the question. “Is there some reason Noah might blame you for his dad’s death?”
“Me?” She frowned, slowly shook her head. “Is that what he said? I can’t imagine why.”
“He didn’t say it. Maybe I misunderstood. Forget it.” Jesse brushed it off, not wanting to cause her any more distress. “His class is finished and the bus for the next one is pulling in. I’d better go.” He swallowed the last of his coffee and rose. “Pray for me, will you, Maddie? My students in this group are really a challenge.”
“Worse than Noah’s class?” she teased.
“Noah’s a piece of cake. A triangle-shaped piece.” He grinned. How did this woman always manage to lighten his heart? “I could use a success story.”
“Every child you work with is a success in the making, Jesse. Just be patient. God’s on their case.” She gave him a saucy grin. “It feels nice for me to encourage you for a change.”
“I’ll take all the encouragement you want to give,” Jesse said, and meant it. He loved working on Wranglers Ranch, but his limited success with the kids was frustrating.
And yet, what else could he do? He could not, would not risk giving the wrong answers and being blamed for another tragedy, and he didn’t know what else God wanted from him. It was like being in some kind of limbo.
“I promise I will pray for you. Now I must go.” Maddie rose gracefully, her lovely green sundress a perfect foil for her dark hair and alabaster skin. “I’m going to try making spaghetti and meatballs tonight. Dare to join us?”
“Love to. It’s my favorite.”
“Apparently it’s hard to burn. Or so the teacher says, although I’m not sure he knows just how skilled I am at doing that.” She made a funny face, waggled her fingers, then walked toward her car.
Jesse watched her go with mixed emotions. That self-deprecating comment said a lot about Maddie. She was a very giving person, but she fought such a dark cloud of doubt. It sounded to him as if her husband had never praised her, never saw the wonderful woman she was. Liam McGregor must have been blind.
“See you after school, Jesse.” Noah stood behind him, backpack in hand, ready to leave with his class.
“The puppies and I will be waiting as usual.” Jesse grinned. “Bye.” He watched Noah leave, a solitary figure, head bent, eyes fixed downward.
Why can’t I help him, Lord? his heart asked, as the same old feelings of helplessness welled. Show me what You want me to do.
Maybe God was busy today, because Jesse wasn’t struck with any ideas, and he had little success relating to the rest of his charges. The second lesson of the day ended with him feeling utterly frustrated. These kids needed him and he wanted so desperately to ask and probe and find out what was bothering them and try to help. Yet he was afraid lest he give the wrong response and cause irreparable harm.
Afraid? He’d never felt that so strongly before and he didn’t like the sense of helplessness it provoked.
Jesse was also a bit envious of Maddie’s progress in her spiritual journey. She was beginning to bloom, slowly gaining confidence in herself, figuring out her personal worth, while he couldn’t find the niche where he belonged. Counseling, encouraging, mentoring—it was what he wanted to do, what he needed to do. But how to do it without messing up?
Jesse heaved a sigh. God knew he wanted to serve, but he was also leery about getting too involved. Why didn’t He reveal how Jesse could get past that? Frustrated, he got busy cleaning and storing tackle until Tanner called his name.
“That redheaded kid in Noah’s class that you were working with? Kendal? What are your thoughts on him?” the rancher asked.
“Off the cuff?” Jesse waited for Tanner’s nod. “He’s bored and spoiled. There are too many people in his world devoting too much time to him and he couldn’t care less. He’s a bully and his curiosity about horses is less than minimal,” he said honestly.
“Blunt and not flattering, but I agree. That’s why it seemed odd when I overheard him getting a stern lecture from Noah about handling the puppies gently.” Tanner scratched his chin, then shoved back his Stetson. “And Kendal took it, probably because Noah wouldn’t allow him to touch them unless he did it without hurting them.” Tanner grinned. “Bit of an eye opener about both of them, don’t you think?”
“Never thought Kendal would take directions from anyone.” Jesse frowned. “Never thought Noah would give them either.”
“Be interesting to see what comes of that relationship.” Tanner nodded and walked away.
Jesse completed the rest of his work with his thoughts on Maddie’s son. Music and puppies; those were Noah’s interests. They seemed to give him a sense of accomplishment and belonging. Apparently Kendal liked the puppies. Could music reach him, too?
As Jesse waited for Noah to arrive from school, ideas began to bloom, ways to engage the kids who came here because they sought something to make them feel better about themselves.
Is that what I’m here to do?
Fanciful ideas filled his mind. Jesse wasn’t totally sure if it was God’s or his own interests that prompted them. Either way, he was intrigued. It wasn’t the ministry he’d had before, but at least he would be doing something for these kids. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel so...useless?
* * *
“You want to start a Wranglers Ranch band?” Maddie wasn’t sure she understood what Jesse was proposing, but she wanted to hear more.
“I think I do.” After a very good spaghetti dinner, Jesse walked beside her through the desert near her home, appreciating its tranquil beauty in the twilight.
Noah stayed ahead, checking out the profusion of cactus blooms. When he did speak it was to Jesse. He gave only monosyllabic answers to Maddie’s conversation, and she struggled to crush the building fear that she was losing him.
Stop being afraid. God didn’t make you a mother to take away your needy son. He wants you to help Noah grow. At least, that’s what Emma’s email had advised this morning.
“But how and what will a band do for the kids?” Remembering how Noah had been touched by Jesse’s music increased Maddie’s curiosity.
“I’m not sure. The idea is still in the germination stage. But I’ve seen music reach into a heart when nothing else could.” Jesse’s introspective voice was so quiet she had to lean near to hear it.
“Okay, so a band. Instruments?” Her brain immediately skipped to ways to make his idea happen.
“I don’t know.” Jesse sounded tense. “I don’t know how it would work. Anyway, Tanner would have to approve the plan first.”
“I don’t think Tanner’s approval will be a problem. He’s all for anything that will help Wranglers Ranch reach kids.” She paused, halted him with a hand on his arm, and when he looked at her questioningly, asked, “What’s really bothering you, Jesse?”
“I’m a youth pastor, Maddie. I am—at least I thought I was—supposed to minister to kids.”
“And a band isn’t a ministry?” she challenged, then softly murmured, “Or is it a ministry you don’t want? Maybe you feel it’s not on the same level as being a youth leader.”
He frowned at her so fiercely that she wondered for a moment if she should retract her comment.
“You’re calling me a snob.” Jesse didn’t look pleased, but he didn’t immediately dismiss the notion, either. He threaded his fingers in hers and gently pulled so she’d resume their walk. “Maybe I am, but it’s because I never had any doubts that youth ministry was where God wanted me. Then Scott died and, well, nothing makes sense anymore.”
“Wo
rking at Wranglers Ranch is working with youth,” Maddie reminded him, loving the warmth of his palm against hers.
“I know, but—” he glanced sideways at her “—I never thought of it as permanent. It’s only a stopgap until I figure out where God wants me.”
“Maybe the band idea is His way of showing you.” She waited as he digested that possibility, letting her mind explore her own new idea. “Maybe He’s showing me something, too.”
“You’ve got that look,” Jesse said, following Noah’s lead along the path, which arced back toward her home.
“What look?” She met his gaze and blushed at the familiarity she saw there. Jesse was such a good friend. “You’re not the only one who gets ideas.”
“That’s what scares me.” He pretended fear. “It’s not more shelving, is it?”
Maddie could no more have stopped her burst of laughter than she could squelch the spurt of joy that bubbled inside as she returned his grin. In front of them Noah turned to see what was going on. His gaze slid from their faces to their clasped hands. Immediately a frown tipped the corners of his mouth down, his disapproval obvious. Was that why she yanked her hand from Jesse’s? Noah turned and walked on.
“It is shelves, isn’t it?” Jesse sighed.
“No more shelving,” she promised. “This is something different. I want Quilt Essentials to try something only I’m scared to tell Emma.”
“Nobody is ever scared of my marshmallow-hearted grandmother.” He frowned at her sober look. “What’s this idea, Maddie?”
“There’s a nursing home around the corner from the store.” The idea grew clearer as she continued. “I met the administrator at church last Sunday and she told me that she missed Emma’s weekly visits. Apparently, many of your gran’s former quilting buddies are now in that home. The administrator said those ladies talk all the time about the quilting bees they used to hold, about their fond memories of sitting around a quilt frame, chatting as they worked together stitching. The administrator thinks it would lift their spirits tremendously if they had something like a quilting party to look forward to each week. But her staff don’t have the time or knowledge to be in charge of such a project.”