“So now Bri doesn’t think she can trust me. But I was protecting her. I mean, he grabbed her.”
Laura nodded slowly, closing the dishwasher. “She was just in a violent situation, though, so any kind of violence is bound to freak her out.”
“There’s all this other shi—crap, too. She’s hung up on how different we are. And I’ve uh…kind of played the field in the past, so that doesn’t help, either. But you know what the worst part is?”
I sank down on the stool and put my head in my hands. I couldn’t believe I was about to say this out loud. My whole persona exuded confidence. That was my thing, part of what I knew helped me get so many girls.
But not saying it out loud didn’t make it any less true.
“I’m just not good enough for her.”
Laura blinked. “Did she say that to you?”
“Not in so many words, but I’ve figured it out. It’s true. She’s got her life in order, and I’m a fuck—freaking mess.”
She sighed. “I’ll admit that you lack direction, for lack of a better word, but that doesn’t diminish your value as a person. You just haven’t figured things out yet. You’re young, only twenty-one.”
“Says the wise old thirty-one-year-old,” I said teasingly, and she snapped a towel on my arm, getting me pretty good. “Ouch!”
“I didn’t figure out that I wanted to work with kids until I was in my mid-twenties,” she said. “I worked pointless office jobs until I figured that out, and then I went back to school to get my education certification. So my point is that it’s okay if you don’t have everything figured out. Some people have their whole lives planned out from the time they’re kids. Some people need more time.”
“Dad—”
“Your dad conveniently forgets that fact. He was a young dad, so he had other challenges. He went to night school to finish his degree, and he chose his field based on job security. He did what he felt he had to do, but your situation is totally different. Remember he was only twenty when you were born.”
“Holy shit,” I said. He was younger than I am now. I’d never really thought about it, and I couldn’t imagine having a one-year-old kid right now.
“Yeah,” Laura said. “I can’t imagine having a baby when I was that young.”
I grinned. “Well, at least there’s one thing I haven’t fucked up.”
She leaned on the counter. “Are you so sure you’ve totally fucked things up with Bri?”
My jaw dropped a little at her use of the f-bomb. “I think so.”
“If she’s really worth it to you, find out for sure. You fight for her until you know it’s over for good. If there’s any amount of hope that you can make it work, then fight for her.” She stood up straight. “If she’s worth it to you.”
“She’s worth everything,” I said quietly. “She makes me want to be a better man.”
“Then that’s your answer.” She grabbed my head and pulled it down low enough for her to kiss me on the forehead. “I need to work on lesson plans. But I’m glad you came home, Josh, despite the circumstances.”
…
I couldn’t sleep that night. Laura’s words kept running through my head.
If she’s worth it to you.
Fight for her.
If she’s worth it to you.
Fight for her…fight for her…fight for her.
I flung the covers off and sat on the edge of the bed, cradling my head my hands.
It was a done deal. Bri was done with me. She’d said as much.
But since when did I ever listen to her? She’d also said we’d never work, but we did. Goddamn it, we did fucking work. And my feelings for her weren’t just going to disappear because she said she was done.
I got up and paced. I’d skated through life looking for the next party. If something took too much effort, I dropped it. Was Bri too much effort?
No. She wasn’t.
If she’s worth it to you, fight for her.
Despite my performance last night at Thirsties, I was a lover, not a fighter. I didn’t have the first clue how to fight for something—how to really work for something I wanted. I’d never wanted anything like I wanted Bri.
Never loved anyone like I loved Bri.
I grabbed my guitar and sat on the bed, strumming the familiar chords, the feel of the nylon strings comfortable under my fingers.
A plan formulated in my head.
…
Bri
I printed out the application for my passport and looked it over to see what was needed. If I’d been thinking more clearly these last few months, I would have done this already just in case I got accepted for study abroad. I hated leaving things until the last minute. What if something went wrong? Without a passport, I’d be stuck stateside.
I tapped my pen on my desk, staring at the walls in my cube. Spring had arrived, and the weather was gorgeous outside, and here I was stuck inside these four stupid walls. Never before had my cube seemed so confining, but I had appointments all morning.
My computer chimed to remind me of an appointment, and I frowned and clicked on the reminder.
Joshua Davidson, 8:30.
What was that still doing there? Once he was dismissed from the program, I went through and cleared out all of his appointments. I must have missed this one. My mouse hovered over the delete button, and I took a deep breath.
Then I deleted him.
It’d been almost two weeks since I’d seen him. There’d been no calls, no texts, nothing. Just silence, like a chasm had opened up and swallowed him whole.
I wondered if he was still attending classes and keeping his grades up. I wondered if his file would end up back on my desk.
It was no longer my concern. He was no longer my concern. I’d said good-bye to him, and unlike Brett, he’d listened.
That would make it the first time he’d done what I told him.
It was for the best, though. My life was getting back to normal, the way it should be. Normal and boring.
Not boring, safe.
I was playing it safe, and there was nothing wrong with that. I’d played with fire, gotten burned, and now Smokey the Bear would applaud the precautions I was taking. No more risks for me.
But I’d played it safe with Brett, and look where that got me. At the courthouse, filling out paperwork for a restraining order. I’d finally accepted that simply ignoring him wouldn’t work.
I’d taken a risk with Josh, and now I missed him. I’d fallen for him, even though I knew he wasn’t right for me. Our relationship just didn’t make sense. I’d let my heart take the lead, but that was the last time that was happening.
With Brett, my head had been in charge.
So basically, I was totally screwed. I couldn’t trust myself at all, especially my heart, which clenched every time I saw someone walking a puppy on campus and I remembered what had happened the last time I walked a puppy.
Elsa must be huge by now.
My cell rang, and I fished it out of my purse, frowning at it. Who would be calling me this early?
It was Casey.
“Bri, hey, I didn’t know if you would answer.” She breathed heavily into the phone.
“I have a little while until my next appointment. What’s up?”
“I’m just…calling to…whew…feeling that burn.”
“What the heck are you doing?”
“Sorry, I’m walking to campus.” More heavy breathing. “It’s only two miles, right? Gotta get the winter weight off.”
I looked down at my thighs, examining them for signs of winter weight. They looked the same as always. Of course, I hadn’t been eating much the last two weeks, so maybe I’d already lost any extra pounds. “I think I’ll stick to the bus.”
“Yes, I’m kind of regretting this right now.” She wheezed in and out.
“Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah, I just…I’m jogging now because I’m late.”
“I’ll let you go so you can
concentrate on that,” I said. “And save your breath.”
“No, wait. I called for a reason. I’m picking you up tomorrow for dinner.”
I groaned. I’d skipped our weekly Friday night dinner last week and didn’t particularly feel like going tomorrow, either.
“I’m pretty busy—”
“No!” Casey yelled, and I held the phone away from my ear. “You got away with it last week because I felt sorry for you and your breakup with your man candy, but enough is enough. You’re not any busier than you’ve been all semester, so don’t give me that load of crap.”
“I’m just not ready to go out yet. I’m still—”
“What? Missing him? Realizing you may have made a mistake?”
“Casey.”
“Okay, okay. Whew! I’m at a stoplight. Thank God. A forced breather.”
“Geez, don’t pop a lung or anything.”
“I won’t. Be ready tomorrow at six thirty.”
I sighed. “I really— Casey?” She’d hung up on me. I scowled at my phone. Goodness, she’d gotten pushy lately. We’d actually been talking about moving in together next year to try to cut down on rent. A girl in her sorority was graduating in December, so she could take the bedroom in the fall, and then I could move in for the spring.
No matter what happened, though, I was moving. There were too many memories in my current apartment.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Bri
Casey texted me at exactly six thirty to let me know she was downstairs. I took my time brushing out my hair before I grabbed my purse and headed down. Passive aggressive, I know, but if she was forcing me to go out against my will, then she could wait a minute.
As soon as I opened the passenger door, Casey was shaking her head.
“Oh, no, no, no, no, no.”
“What?” I asked.
“You can’t wear that.”
I looked down at my clothes—jeans, a T-shirt, and Vans, with a hoodie thrown over top. “What’s wrong with this?”
“You look like a slug!”
My jaw dropped open. “Casey! Are you serious right now?”
“Shut the door.”
I slammed the door closed, and she double-parked, putting her flashers on. Then she jumped out of the car. “Let’s go,” she said. “Upstairs. You’re changing.”
“I’m pretty sure I’ve worn this before and you never had an issue. Why does it matter?”
“Your outfit says foul mood.”
I crossed my arms and narrowed my eyes at her. “I am in a foul mood. That’s generally the result of someone calling me a slug.”
“I didn’t call you a slug. I said you looked like one. There’s a big difference.” She bounded up the stairs two at a time, and I slowly trailed after her. “Come on! I don’t want a parking ticket.”
“You should have considered that before you called me a slug,” I muttered. “Slugs are slow.”
I unlocked my apartment, and she darted into my room, pawing through my closet. She pulled out a pair of skinny jeans and a fitted top, along with a deep pink cardigan. “Put this on. You’ll feel better if you look better.”
She knelt down and dug in the bottom of my closet, coming out with a pair of ballet flats. “And these.”
I let out a huge sigh and gave her the teenage eye roll so she would know how displeased I was, but I stripped down to change.
“You know, you’ve been in a foul mood for the last two weeks.” She picked through my jewelry box, settling on some dangling silver earrings. “The slug comment has nothing to do with it.”
“That wasn’t a nice thing to say.” I was being petulant, but I didn’t care.
“You know what I think?”
“No, and I don’t want to know.”
“I’ll tell you.” She turned around and leaned on the dresser, holding the earrings out for me to slip on. “You miss Josh.”
“Of course I miss him!” I exploded, throwing my hands in the air. “Of course I miss him,” I said again at a more reasonable volume. “If I didn’t miss him, then this wouldn’t be so hard. I’m doing the right thing, though.”
Casey cocked her head. “Are you?”
“Yes.”
“Then why are you so unhappy?”
I opened my mouth to answer, but I didn’t have anything to say. When I clamped my mouth closed again, my lip started to quiver.
Casey grabbed my hands. “Oh, no. Don’t start that. Come on. We’re going to be late now.”
I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, then followed her back out to her car, this time keeping pace with her.
We were the first to arrive at the Bookstore. I don’t know why she was worried about being late. The meet time was officially seven, but most people didn’t show up until seven thirty.
We snagged our usual table, and once we were seated she elbowed me. “Don’t you feel better now that you look cute?”
“Yes,” I admitted begrudgingly, refusing to look at her. The only thing worse than her newfound pushiness was when she was pushy and right.
Casey grabbed a passing server and put her order in, giving me a look that indicated I should do the same. We normally waited until more people were here before we ordered. She must be ravenous or something. Maybe it was all the walking.
Our friends trickled in, and the conversation mainly centered on Stan’s wife, Lisa, who had joined us for the first time. Her belly was huge, and she looked downright miserable, fanning herself with a menu the whole time. She was nice, though, but I would have expected nothing less from Stan’s wife. He was one of the most affable people I’d ever met.
“Have you decided on a name?” Casey asked, taking the last bite of her burger.
Lisa rubbed her belly. “I like Annabelle Elizabeth, but Stan is on the fence.”
“That’s pretty,” I chimed in.
“I’m thinking he’ll cave sometime during labor, though, and let me have my way.” She grinned at her husband.
He brought her hand to his mouth and kissed her knuckles. “True.”
A pang hit me right in the gut like a sucker punch. How many times had Josh kissed my hand like that? He’d done it the first time we met. He was always kissing some part of me—the tip of my nose, my forehead, my lips. He’d been so affectionate, so tender with me.
And children and animals. Despite the rift between him and his parents, he was great with his little sister, and I still wished I had filmed him cradling Elsa like a little baby while he ever-so-carefully dried her face.
What I saw two weeks ago at Thirsties—that wasn’t him. It just wasn’t. It was an anomaly, a fluke.
He was still violent, though, my head butted in.
Because Brett grabbed you, my heart argued. He was trying to save you from Brett.
He didn’t have to hit him so many times, though, my head said. If the bouncer hadn’t gotten involved, would he have stopped himself?
Maybe, probably, but I’ll never know.
I blinked a few times, trying to turn off the ping-pong match going on inside me. None of it mattered anyway. I’d told him to leave me alone, and he had. He probably had another girl by now. He was probably kissing her knuckles, and tucking her hair behind her ear.
A burning sensation filled me as I pictured the scene, and I realized it was rage. I imagined myself ripping the girl away from him, pushing her to the ground, and taking my rightful place in his arms.
I felt better.
God, what is wrong with me?
Going out had been a bad idea, just like I knew it would be. I was too conflicted. I needed to sort out all my thoughts and emotions in private, not in public where there were too many reminders of Josh.
Because there are no reminders in your apartment, my snarky side told me.
I had a veritable potpourri of personalities at war inside me this evening—heart, head, and snark.
Casey gasped suddenly. “Look at the time!” she said, fumbling through her purse and coming up
with a wad of cash. “We should get going.”
She was being so weird tonight. It was still early, and several of our friends were still eating. But whatever. I was ready to go, too.
“Let me get my check,” I told her, looking around for the waitress.
“You get the same thing every week,” she said. “You know how much it is.”
“I don’t have cash, so I need to pay with my card.”
“Oh, is that all?” She threw another handful of bills on the table and stood. “You’re all set now. Bye, everyone!”
“It was nice meeting—” I tried to extend my hand to Lisa, but Casey was wrenching my other arm, dragging me from the table.
I jerked my arm away from her. “What is wrong with you?”
She bit her lip, her expression squirrelly. Then she looked at her phone. “Oh, look! Natalie is at Thirsties. Let’s stop in.”
I sighed. “Casey, can you just take me home? You’re being manic.”
“It’s on the way to the car. It won’t take long.”
I checked my watch. I’d just missed the bus going toward my apartment. Another one wouldn’t be by for at least twenty-five minutes.
I wanted to go home, and I really didn’t want to go to Thirsties. That was just tempting fate to serve up an awkward encounter. If I saw Josh with another girl, I’d…I didn’t know what I’d do. Cry, probably.
I’d given him up, so I’d have no right to say anything, let alone pull the girl away from him like in my little fantasy.
Casey charged through the crowds at Thirsties, pulling me along behind her. “She said she was here, near the stage. Oh, look! There she is!”
Had Casey not had a death grip on my arm, I would have fled. Sitting right beside Natalie were Cori and Amber.
I was an idiot. I’d totally forgotten that they were in the same sorority as Natalie. I liked them, really I did, but they were Josh’s friends, not mine. Did they hate me? What did I say to them? They’d already seen me, so I couldn’t escape.
“Hi!” Cori stood and hugged me. I was startled for a moment, then I hugged her back. When she released me, Amber hugged me, then they pulled up a stool next to them for me to sit on.
“How have you been?” Cori asked.
I didn’t know how to answer that. If I was honest, I would tell them about how I had trouble sleeping, how every little thing reminded me of Josh, how I was struggling not to think about him. But I was the one who ended it, so I didn’t have any right to these feelings, and I certainly wasn’t going to share them with his friends.
Wanting More (Love on Campus #2) Page 24