“Hey!” she called after him as she slipped into her silk kimono.
He turned back.
“There is a happy ending for us,” she told him.
He smirked, and she knew he didn’t believe her. “Ethic,” she whispered.
“God put a nigga at a disadvantage when he made you,” Ethic replied. “You’re my heart in human form.” He stared at her with so much intensity that YaYa was forced to look away. “I’m a smart man, YaYa, but I’m here falling for the okey-doke, just to get a little bit more time with you before your man get out. You see, women like you have the power. You probably giving him the same type of vibe you give me and I know that, but I still can’t help but love the shit out of you, YaYa. Even though I know you’re bad for a nigga, I’m all in.”
“I don’t want to be bad for you,” YaYa answered. “It’s not a game to me. I want to be gracious for you, humble for you, loyal to you. I want to be everything you need. It’s just all so complicated. It’s messy and reckless. Indie is Skylar’s father, and I feel like shit for moving on. It’s like I’m stuck and I just want to be free. I just want to go to bed at night with a clear conscience. I want to be able to love you without feeling guilty about it, because no matter how right this feels, it’s wrong. I’m another man’s wife.”
“I want all that for you,” Ethic replied. “Even if it’s not with me. Even if it’s with him, or maybe the next man. You deserve all those things. Look,” he said as he took a deep breath, releasing some of the anxiety that had built up in his chest before continuing. “I get it. You’ve been fucking with him for a long time. It’s hard to walk away from history, and even if you do leave, you need to heal. You need to square yourself away before you get into something else. That time is important. You got to know how to be happy by yourself before you can make anyone else happy. Fill yourself up. Feed your soul. Travel. Do your eat-pray shit.” He paused and stroked the side of her face. His lightheartedness made her smile. “Whatever you need to do, I’m a patient man. If our energies are supposed to align, they will. I’ve learned that things that are supposed to be, will be. I’m not putting no pressure on you.”
“I want to eat and pray with you,” YaYa whispered. “I don’t want ‘me’ time. I just want ‘us’ time. I want to get to know your children, and I want you to know Sky. I want this baby to be yours. I want a normal life with a man I can trust, but I need to leave my marriage with my integrity intact. I can’t be here with you, doing this, before that’s over, and I won’t feel right if I don’t see him through this trial. Even after the way he has hurt me, I still just can’t abandon him while he is going through this. I hope you understand?”
Ethic nodded. He had done this song and dance with YaYa before. He had been forced to give her up when he realized how much her heart had belonged to Indie. He knew that he could be making the same mistake all over again, and it was hard to walk away from a woman that was so healing for him.
“After this trial is over, we can eat and pray and love, over and over again, forever,” she whispered.
“Whatever you say, beautiful,” Ethic said. The doubt in his voice killed her, and as he stepped into the doorway YaYa broke down. Watching him walk through it felt like the end. She had a sinking feeling that was so ominous it brought tears to her eyes.
YaYa took a moment to herself and let the water fall out of her eyes. She didn’t want to hold it in. Sorrow that deep would drown her. She had to let her soul drain. She was a woman caught between two men. It was one of the most difficult things she had ever had to deal with. She knew where she wanted to be, but it wasn’t always so easy to follow the whims of your heart. She was a grown woman with responsibilities and a commitment to her family. She had promised herself to Indie until death parted them. It felt wrong to be so wrapped up in another man, but at the same time it felt so right. She gathered herself and dressed quickly. Even in haste, she was flawlessly put together. She hopped in her car and headed straight to the bank to have a cashier’s check drawn off the funds that Ethic had given her. YaYa didn’t know how she would feel seeing Indie walk out of jail. He had a tendency to melt the ice wall she built around herself with just one touch. She was in a state of confusion, her life was in a place of uncertainty, and she wasn’t sure how this tug-of-war between Indie and Ethic would end. Perhaps there was no winner, and she was causing two strong men to become enemies over a prize that wasn’t worth much at all.
18
YaYa stood outside the gates of Rikers Island waiting for Indie to emerge, the supportive wife, with both of Indie’s children clinging to her hands as she anticipated his exit.
“There he is!” Skylar shouted. “There he is! There he is!” The wind carried her excitement through the air as she twined her fingers through the gate, gripping it desperately. YaYa wished she shared her daughter’s enthusiasm, but the truth was, she didn’t know how she felt. She was filled with mixed emotions because now that he was awaiting trial at home, she would have to compartmentalize her love for Ethic. It couldn’t grow free and wild. It was restricted to secrecy, at least until she grew courageous enough to tell Indie about it. She had every intention to end her marriage. After crying all night as she pondered how she could possibly live without Ethic, she had finally concluded that she couldn’t. YaYa couldn’t be without that man, not again, not for a day, and she would no longer deprive herself of him, not for Indie or anyone else. Yes, she loved her husband, but this thing she had with Ethic, this organic pulse that was between them, it was like he was a part of her. So love would have to take a backseat to whatever it was that she was feeling for Ethic. This ordained, out-of-body emotion that she just couldn’t shake. She was sure that no other woman had ever felt it before. Perhaps it was God’s love that she felt. His love for her, translated through Ethic’s affection. Whatever it was, it could not be touched, and she wanted it all the time.
At least that was the plan. She had rehearsed an entire speech to say to Indie, but when he walked through the gates and wrapped his arms around her, she became speechless.
“Thank you, YaYa. I swear to God things are going to get better,” he said.
She gave him a flat smile and eased out of his grasp, uncomfortable with the way he made her heart flutter. She was confused. How could she feel so strongly about two different men? Her heart was playing tricks on her. She saw how happy Skylar was to be in her father’s arms again. I’m about to break up everything that she knows, YaYa thought grimly. To her surprise King wasn’t at his father’s side; in fact, his grip on her hand had gotten tighter.
“Come here, King,” Indie said sympathetically.
King looked at Indie but didn’t speak. His lower lip trembled as he tried to contain his emotions.
“King?” YaYa said as she turned to look down at him.
“I want to go home! I want to see my mama!” he shouted as he ran back to the car.
YaYa looked at Indie in concern. He put Skylar down and went after his son. “King!”
“This isn’t fair! You were supposed to protect us. That’s what you said! But my mom is dead. You protect them!” King said, pointing at YaYa and Skylar. “Why didn’t you care about us? I hate you!”
His words made Indie recoil as he realized the damage he had caused. King didn’t know the details of Parker’s death, but Indie did. It was his fault, and King was right; he hadn’t protected them.
Indie ran his hand over his face, stressed beyond belief as he bent down to speak to his son man-to-man.
“I want to get down on your level, King, so that I can look you in your eyes. I loved your mother, and I love you very much. I’m sorry I haven’t been there like I should, and I know you’re hurting. I am too. We can hurt together, and we will heal together, one day at a time. I don’t love YaYa and Skylar any more than I love you. You are a part of me, King. You are my son, and I would die for you. Do you hear me? Without thinking twice I would lay down my life for you,” he said.
King was stubbor
n. His feelings wouldn’t be placated easily. Indie wouldn’t push him. He had every right to feel the way he did. Indie pulled King to him and kissed the top of his head before opening the car door and waiting for him to get inside.
YaYa stood, watching it all unfold. Her chest had collapsed with anger when she heard him confess his love for Parker, and she couldn’t help but wonder if Indie was telling the truth or just pacifying his son. Either way it was like picking a scab from a wound. She placed Skylar on her feet. “Get in the car, big girl,” she said.
Indie reached for YaYa, but she stepped from his grasp and walked solemnly to the driver’s side of the car.
Indie felt the pressure from his wife, from his son. The only person who wasn’t mad at him was Skylar, and that was only because she was too young to understand the full scope of the situation. He had a lot of repairing to do. Facing his legal troubles wasn’t even his biggest worry. The burdens he had placed on his family haunted him, and balancing the dynamics of this new addition to their home would prove challenging. Then there was the matter of Parker’s funeral. No arrangements had been made because there was no one to make them. The responsibility fell on him to make sure that his son was able to send off his mother properly.
“I need to talk to you about something,” Indie said to YaYa.
“Yeah, me too,” YaYa replied. “Let’s just wait until we get home. It’s not a conversation to be had with little ears listening.”
* * *
Awkwardness existed between them, as if they had forgotten each other, like they were total strangers. Weren’t they, though? They had been keeping so much from one another that secrets had diluted their bond. The discomfort brought tears to YaYa’s eyes. The fact that she could feel so detached from Indie saddened her. It wasn’t so long ago that her entire world revolved around him. Perhaps that had been the problem. She had given Indie all of her, so when he messed up, she had nothing left for herself. The resentment she felt was astronomical, and she didn’t know if she was right or wrong but it really didn’t matter. The feelings existed and needed to be addressed. Matters of the heart weren’t so black and white. She knew that it was a possibility that Ethic was the main reason she was making a big deal out of things. Perhaps if she didn’t have a plan B, she would be more willing to put up with the difficulties with Indie. Maybe the grass looked greener on Ethic’s side, and it was causing her to keep her own yard unkempt.
The entire ride home was silent; not even King and Skylar mumbled a single word. When they pulled up to YaYa’s building, Indie looked over at her. Regret was written all over his face. Indie reached for her hand. “This is only temporary, I promise.”
She could tell he felt bad about her living situation. She had downgraded from a beautiful million-dollar home to a two-bedroom apartment. She didn’t care. She had lived in worse. She wasn’t so far removed from the hood that she didn’t know how to survive. If only he was this sorry about everything else, YaYa thought.
They climbed out of the car and made their way inside. YaYa stayed out of the way, allowing Indie to spend time with his kids while she holed up in her bedroom. She didn’t want to play house and pretend like she was Carol Brady, when so many issues existed between them. She waited all day until the still of the night caused Skylar and King to exhaust themselves. Once they were down, she heard the knock on her bedroom door.
Indie opened it and stepped inside.
“Can I be a part of what you got going on in here?” he asked.
She chuckled lightly as a smile spread across her face. She had broken the ice, and he took that as a sign to enter.
“I like what you’ve done with the apartment. It’s nice,” Indie said.
She smiled again, but didn’t respond. This was Ethic’s effort. It only reminded her of how hard another man worked for her.
“I have something I need to tell you,” YaYa said timidly.
Indie sat on the edge of the bed and reached for her face. He tilted her chin up. “Look at me, ma.” She did and something stirred inside of her. It was like someone was rubbing two sticks together slowly, trying their hardest to kindle just one spark. “I already know,” Indie finished. “You’re pregnant.”
Damn it, Elaine, she thought.
“Before you say anything just hear me out,” Indie continued. “I understand why you didn’t tell me. I understand why you thought about getting an abortion. I thought you had gone through with it until I saw you waiting for me at the gate. I know your body, I notice even the slightest change in you, ma. Thank you for keeping it.”
“Indie,” YaYa whispered.
“I know, YaYa. I know I fucked up with Parker and I know you’re mad, but it didn’t mean anything to me. It was a mistake, and I don’t want to lose you over it. I can handle a lot of things, but losing you is not one of them. It will break me, and I know I broke you first. I know I abused your trust. I know I took you for granted, but I don’t want to go tit for tat. I don’t want to lose my family. I want to bury all of this. I want to put Parker in the ground and start over.”
Too little, too late. YaYa shook her head, and he could see the skepticism in her eyes. She had lost her faith in him.
He touched her lower abdomen. “I want this baby to grow up with both parents. I want Skylar to have both of us here with her, and I know King isn’t yours, but he needs you just as much as I do. I want you to get to know him. I know the type of person you are; your heart is big, and I know you can let him in if you just try. I don’t want to raise my kids with any other woman, and if I go away, there isn’t any other person on this earth that I trust him with more than you.”
His profession of love silenced her. He believed that she was a far better person than she actually was. Selfishly, she didn’t want to shatter that. She didn’t want him to think any differently of her. He loved her. She felt it. It was her stubbornness, her need to make him hurt the way she hurt, that was standing in their way. The indecision of whom she wanted to be with was eating away at her. It was like her loyalty changed based on who was in front of her, and it made her wonder if she was to blame for the problems she was facing. She had been busy pointing the finger at Indie for his infidelity, but was she just as guilty. Did it matter that he had cheated first? And if she kept it totally one hundred, she would admit that she had never fully let go of Ethic. Emotionally she craved him, even after she had said, “I do.” It was then she realized that she and Indie never even had a chance because she had never truly committed. Indie cheating had just given her the excuse she was waiting for to go back to Ethic.
“If you give me one more chance, I swear I’ll do right by you. I’ll make you happy, the way we used to be,” Indie promised. The sincerity in his eyes was hard to ignore.
We have so much history together. I’m throwing away so many years with this man. I owe him. He has always stood by me. I can’t just desert him when he needs me most, she thought.
YaYa swiped away a tear that had fallen down her cheek, and as Indie kissed her, she let him because no matter what, he was her husband. Didn’t he have a right to indulge in his wife? What felt right was wrong, and no matter how much she tried to justify her affair with Ethic, she was still out of line. Yes, Indie had cheated, but that didn’t excuse her behavior. Until she ended her marriage, she was just as guilty as Indie. YaYa was so confused.
“Indie, stop,” she whispered as she pulled away from him. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t pretend that she was perfect and paint him to be the bad guy. She had to put all her cards out on the table. It was the ultimate test of his love. He loved her because he thought she was perfect. He thought she was incapable of betraying him, but she had, and she wanted to be the one to tell him before he discovered it himself.
Indie pulled back and studied the worry in her eyes. It wasn’t a superficial concern that she held. She was like a book that he had read a thousand times. He knew each page. He even knew where each grease stain had come from within the spine. He had paid
attention over the years. He knew that it meant she was afraid when she bit her lower lip and knew that when she cleared her throat she was guilty of something. He could even tell when she was on her period just from the way she walked. Indie was well versed in all things Disaya; that is how he knew he had to brace himself for what she was about to say.
“While you were away, I was with…” She paused. She had never been so afraid of the truth in her life. To admit her infidelity to Indie was proving impossible and she almost changed her mind, but it wasn’t fair. She had promised herself that she would never let another man have something over her husband’s head. She didn’t want to make a fool of him. YaYa wanted to keep this secret. She wanted to take it to her grave, but she couldn’t. She had indulged in the affair, now she had to woman up. She didn’t want Indie to be the butt of anybody’s joke. “Ethic.”
Indie went silent for a minute as the magnitude of her words hit him. “They sit me down for six weeks, and you hop on the next nigga dick that fast, huh? Or have you been fucking him the entire time?”
Indie never saw the slap coming. YaYa lost control. She didn’t even realize she had done it until she felt the sting of her palm as it crossed Indie’s face.
“You don’t get to question me! You don’t get to ask me shit! Not when you had me on a rotating visitors’ schedule with that bitch Parker,” YaYa said. “You love her, remember? You fucked her and then had that bitch walking around like her shit didn’t stink. So why you so concerned with what I was doing while you were away?”
“Because you’re my fucking wife!” Indie shouted.
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