by Linda Wells
Elizabeth had finally come to terms with their loss, and knew that she needed to put away her fear of failure. After finally allowing William to care for her, and reassure her of his love, she was able to embrace their future whatever it brought, with open arms, and was determined to never let anything come between them again.
Elizabeth discovered her favourite feature of the house was an enormous wing back chair placed before the fireplace in the library. Darcy explained that the exceptionally wide chair was custom made to fit a particularly large ancestor. She loved it because she found that they could sit cuddled next to each other with their feet stretched out before them in the evening and read, or talk, or kiss, or simply stare in companionable silence at the crackling flames. Darcy determined that as soon as they arrived home he would have four such chairs made; one for each library and master’s bedchamber in their homes. He envisioned spending many nights cuddled with his dearest Elizabeth in these chairs, and if he let the dream continue, he could imagine the presence of their children and the sound of their voices as they climbed over them, begging for a story. Someday.
AS THE TIME approached for them to leave their little utopia and return to their real lives, Darcy’s insecurity over Elizabeth rose to the surface. He was concerned that upon returning to Pemberley there would also be the return of the sad, frightened woman he hoped had been left behind. He finally found the strength to talk to her about his fears and reaching for her hand, asked, “Could we share one more walk together before we leave tomorrow?”
She stroked his cheek. “Yes, shall we go now?” He nodded, and they set off. He did not speak, but led her to a hill which afforded a view of the house and lake, and settling himself on the ground beneath a tree, leaned back and held his hands out for her. She rested between his legs, and he wrapped his arms around her, nestling his face in her fragrant hair.
“Elizabeth?” He said softly.
“Yes, William?” She could not see his face, but his hands tightened their grip on her arms.
“Is everything well between us now?”
She turned in his embrace and looked closely at him. “What is wrong?”
He became silent. Elizabeth turned and held him, and he rested his head on her shoulder, returning the embrace. She stroked his head and waited.
“You know that I love you, do you not?” He whispered.
“Yes, of course I do, and I hope you know that I love you, as well.” She kissed him, holding him tighter; he was so obviously in pain.
“Yes, I know.” And suddenly it flowed from him, “I am so afraid of losing you. I am so afraid to be alone.” He buried his face deeper into her neck. His muffled voice rose from her. “I am so afraid that my dream of fatherhood would end your life.” She could feel his wet cheek on her skin. “I am so afraid that I would be the cause of your . . . my selfish desires . . . I would rather remain forever celibate than risk losing you, Elizabeth.”
“William!” Elizabeth was overwhelmed. “Darling what has put these thoughts in your mind?” She tried to look at his face, but he would not relinquish his position, cradled in her arms.
“You seemed so afraid of me after . . . after . . . we lost . . . as if you knew that my actions would hurt you.” He took a deep breath, and asked the question that had burdened his heart. “Why did you push me away, Elizabeth? Why would you not speak to me? Did I frighten you? Did you hate me?”
By now, Elizabeth was crying. “No! Stop thinking that!” She felt so guilty for not speaking before, and knew she must bare all. “I was afraid, yes, but I was afraid of failing again. I was afraid of losing another child. I could not stand the thought of hurting you again, and I know how important it is for Pemberley to have an heir.” He tried to protest that an heir was not important, but she silenced him with her fingers pressed to his lips, knowing the truth. “I was never concerned that our loving each other would risk my life.” She kissed his head. “I have never ever been afraid of you, and I will never regret loving you or becoming your wife in every way. I needed time to recover from what occurred, William. I was overwhelmed with so many things, and so very, very sad, but I realized when you pulled me into the carriage to come here, all I needed to recover was you. Please forgive me for not telling you what I was feeling. I was so caught up in my own pain that I failed to realize I was pushing you away. When I began to feel better, I did not know how to begin again, we were so far apart. I never meant to hurt you.”
There was a long pause, and she knew he was thinking through what she said. Finally she heard his deep soft voice. “When you first told me that you had miscarried, I was of course disappointed and saddened, but I thought that we both understood that miscarriage is not uncommon, and that we would work through this together. I felt that we, you, I, understood that we would be well, and when you were ready, we would try again. I even spoke to your uncle about this, and he told me of his experience with the loss of a child. We have weathered so much together, Lizzy, I thought that we would be well, but something changed, you were as different as night and day. It was as if you changed from an understandable grief to an overwhelming fear, almost instantly.” He kept his head on her shoulder. “Did something happen? Did I do something to make you withdraw?
Elizabeth sighed and stroked his hair. “Oh William, no it was not you. It, well, it was some words that my aunt said that I took far too much to heart.”
“What was that?” He began to feel an unreasonable anger towards the woman.
She felt him tense. “She told me of the importance to the people of Pemberley, the tenants, the local businesses, the other landowners, everyone, that you have an heir, and that the stability of Pemberley is assured. She pointed out to me the importance of our marriage, and how so many people are counting on its success. I am afraid that I took her truthful words and allowed them to overwhelm me. I felt that I was a failure, and that this loss was proof of my unworthiness to be your wife. I was afraid to try to become with child again because I convinced myself that I would lose that baby, too. I was sure that the loss was my fault, and I could not bear to fail you or Pemberley again.”
“Oh Lizzy.” He whispered. “I wish I had known the burden that you placed on yourself.” He tightened his grip around her. “Yes, I will admit, an heir is important, but if it does not come from our union, I will be sure to have it come from Georgiana’s. I do not want you to ever feel that you have failed me. We have not even been married for five months! You are very young, and there is plenty of time. I am so sorry for not understanding the depth of your despair.”
“Thank you William.” She needed to address something else that he said. “So you do not fear losing me in childbirth anymore? I assure you, I am a strong country girl, not one of those pampered ladies of London. My mother had five babies in seven years. I think that the odds are highly in my favour to do very well.” She managed to pry his face out of its nest and looked into his reddened eyes. “And, sir, I have no doubt in my mind that when my time comes, I will be provided with an overabundance of excellent care from my adoring husband.” She smiled gently at him. “Do not fear for me, my love.” He stared into her eyes, he would always fear for her, just as she would for him. They both knew that without saying the words. She stroked his face, and said softly. “My courses began this morning.” With their abstinence, there was no possibility that she could have been with child, but the event was still significant to her.
“Oh.” He said, not knowing if he should be happy or sad.
She continued her caress. “You do not know how to react.”
“You must think you have married a silly fool.” He whispered.
“If I have, than you have as well.”
“You feel the same confusion?”
“Yes.” She confessed.
They sat quietly, absorbing all that was said between them. Darcy then took her face in his hands and softly kissed her lips. “I should not have given up asking you of your feelings, perhaps if I had voiced my own grief it
would have helped you to share yours. Men are not supposed to express such feelings.” He looked down, then back up to her face, knowing that he had always shared his feelings with her in the past, but failed to do so this time. “I think that what we have learned from this experience is not to let our fears overtake us. Please do not ever be afraid to talk to me. The sooner we talk about something, the better.”
“Before it overtakes us and becomes a wedge, driving us apart.” She nodded her head and kissed him. “I am too used to my parents’ marriage of silence. I should have opened up to you. I am so sorry that I did not. I am afraid that I have felt so numb and I was trying to handle my emotions alone, but instead by keeping silent I made a difficult situation so much worse. I should know very well by now that we are strongest when we face things together. I have missed you, desperately. Please forgive me, Will.” She kissed him again.
“Only if you forgive me for not speaking. I could not bear to lose you, Lizzy, in any way. I need you. I thought I knew that before, but the time that we spent growing further apart just drove that point home. I could not bear this life without you.” He gazed into her eyes, still cupping her face in his hands.
“I promise you will not have to. You will never be alone.”
“I hold you to that, Madam.”
Chapter 33
Darcy and Elizabeth arrived home and arose the next morning only to look at each other sadly. “Back to our lives.” Darcy sighed. “I dread the pile of correspondence that awaits me.”
“I am sure that Mrs. Reynolds awaits me with eagerness as well.”
“Will you keep me company when you finish with her? I am afraid that I have been too much with you these past weeks, and cannot possibly work without you near.” He took her hands and kissed her nose.
Elizabeth laughed. “Well, if the continued operation of Pemberley depends upon my presence by your side, of course I will join you.”
Darcy hugged her. “Thank you my love.”
Several hours later, Elizabeth and Darcy were sitting at work in his study, when a footman knocked and was bid enter. “Sir, two carriages have been spotted entering at the gate.”
“Thank you.” Grimacing, Darcy looked up at Elizabeth.
“Two carriages?” She asked.
“It seems that Uncle Henry has decided to honour us with a visit.”
“But even if he and your aunt have come with Georgiana, why would two carriages be needed? There cannot be that much luggage?” She began thinking of the possibility of a much extended visit with their relatives.
“Perhaps my cousin Mark and his wife Laura have joined them. You have not met the Viscount as yet.”
“I think that I should alert Mrs. Reynolds.” A footman was called and asked to have the housekeeper join them at the front entrance.
Very soon the two carriages rolled into the courtyard and Lord Matlock descended first. He took one look at the apprehensive couple and laughed. “I know, I know, we are descending upon you like locusts!”
Darcy shook his head. “I would not quite use that description, Uncle.”
“Nonetheless, I am sure that your good wife would, and feels that you are now under siege.” He smiled at Elizabeth as he handed down Lady Matlock.
“If I did not know better, I would say that you are testing my reaction to your sudden arrival, sir.” Elizabeth challenged him. The party was soon joined by Georgiana and the surprising arrival of Richard and Kathleen in the second carriage.
“You are quite clever, Mrs. Darcy.” Lord Matlock grinned.
“And you are quite transparent, sir.” She smiled back, her eyes dancing.
“Ha!” Lord Matlock laughed his appreciation, and looked around to see Richard and Darcy both smiling at Elizabeth.
Kathleen watched Elizabeth with admiration. She was handling the unexpected onslaught of guests with calm. Kathleen knew that if this was her home, she would be in a panic. She was gaining a little more confidence in her role as Mistress of Rosings, but she was in no way prepared for her new position. She hoped that talking to Elizabeth might help.
“If you will excuse me a moment?” Elizabeth turned to address the waiting Mrs. Reynolds, then looked back. “Oh, and how long will you be inspecting me, sir?”
“Two nights, my dear.” He said chortling. Elizabeth bowed her head, “Thank you, sir.” She met Mrs. Reynolds’s eye and said quietly, “It seems that we have some unexpected guests.”
“So it does, Mrs. Darcy. I might say that his behaviour was not entirely unanticipated.”
Elizabeth looked at her with surprise. “You suspected something of this sort?”
“Yes, Madam.” She sighed.
Elizabeth shook her head, feeling the woman’s exasperation. “You are a treasure, Mrs. Reynolds, I bow to your superior experience and will be grateful for your assistance.”
She smiled and nodded. “I will have the rooms prepared immediately.”
“Please have tea sent to the yellow drawing room.”
“Yes, Mrs. Darcy.” The two women exchanged resigned glances. Elizabeth returned her attention to her unexpected guests and found that Georgiana had already led the ladies inside.
Lord Matlock grinned at her and declared, “You look absolutely blooming Elizabeth! Did my nephew show you a properly pleasant time on your delayed honeymoon?”
“Indeed he did, sir, I have never come away from a trip feeling more satisfied.” Elizabeth grinned mischievously at him, and glanced up at Darcy.
His eyes opened wide and he cleared his throat before taking her hand and facing his grinning uncle and cousin. “Yes, the view and activities were most invigorating.” His lips twitched and he tried hard not to look too pleased with himself.
Richard slapped him on the shoulder. “Excellent man, excellent! I am pleased to hear that you were well occupied.” He turned to Elizabeth, and bending, kissed her cheek. “I am delighted to see you, Elizabeth.”
“Thank you, Richard. I look forward to at last meeting your bride.” Darcy placed his hand on her waist and brought her possessively back to his side.
Richard shook his head at his cousin’s behaviour and smiled. “Indeed you will. She has gone inside with Georgie and Mother. Shall we join them?”
They proceeded into the house and heard the sound of running feet. “Oh it is so good to be home!” Georgiana burst upon them. “What did you think of the cottage, Elizabeth? Is it not everything I told you? What did you do? What did you see?” She was filled with joy and excitement, already recognizing the restoration of her brother and sister.
“Georgie.” Darcy’s quiet voice spoke and she instantly calmed. “Could we at least enjoy a simple greeting before the inquisition begins?”
Blushing, Georgiana gave her brother a hug and kissed his cheek. “I am sorry William. I was just so excited to have arrived.” She then whispered, “Is all well now?” Feeling his nod, she turned to Elizabeth. “I hope that you had a very pleasant journey, Elizabeth.”
“Most satisfying from what I have heard.” Richard quipped. Darcy sighed, and Elizabeth smiled and squeezed his hand. He looked down at her dancing eyes and smiled back, unable to resist a quick kiss.
Upon entering the sitting room, Lady Matlock and Kathleen rose. “William, Elizabeth, it is good to see you.” She looked over to her son, her brows raised.
“I was about to do it, Mother.” He went to the small woman’s side and took her hand. “Kathleen, may I introduce to you my cousin, Fitzwilliam Darcy, and his lovely bride, Elizabeth. Mr. and Mrs. Darcy, may I present Kathleen Fitzwilliam, my wife.” He said it with great pride, and looked at her with unmistakable affection.
“Mrs. Fitzwilliam, it is a great pleasure to meet you, Richard has spoken and written to us about you. Meeting you today is a wonderful surprise.” Elizabeth smiled warmly at the obviously nervous woman.
Darcy observed Kathleen intently. She was slightly taller, and less womanly than Elizabeth, her hair not quite as dark, her eyes pretty but not the dan
cing orbs of his lover’s, and her face, though obviously strained, was not the expressive canvas he lived to gaze upon. He relaxed. She was similar but not the twin of Elizabeth he had feared.
“Indeed it is a pleasure, Mrs. Fitzwilliam. I am delighted to meet the woman who so thoroughly captured my cousin’s heart. I am sorry that I missed making your acquaintance at Rosings when I came for our Cousin Anne’s funeral, but I understand that you were quite occupied tending our aunt. May we wish you joy on your wedding?” Darcy bowed over her hand.
“Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Darcy. I have been anticipating this meeting for some time. We hoped to come with Georgiana to Pemberley when it was time to return her, but . . .” Her nervousness overtook her, and she looked to Richard for help. She was very intimidated meeting Elizabeth, she had heard her husband and his family speak nothing but high praise of her, and she was very afraid of failing in front of her.
Before Richard had an opportunity to say anything, Elizabeth saw her unease and stepped forward, taking her arm and leading her to a sofa. “Now that we have the formal introductions out of the way, I want you to call me Elizabeth and my husband William. We are family now! I understand that you are just like me, Mrs. Fitzwilliam, you grew up on a small estate?”
Kathleen looked at the warm, smiling woman next to her and breathed a sigh of relief. No matter how much everyone reassured her, she had built an image in her mind of a person who was as formidable as Lady Catherine, but Elizabeth, although exuding confidence, was also glowing with good humour and kindness. “Please call me Kathleen.” Elizabeth nodded. “Yes, I did grow up on a small estate. My only sibling, my brother, inherited it.”
“My situation was different, our home is entailed away.”
“Yes, I know Mr. Collins.”
“Oh, I am sorry for that!” Elizabeth laughed. “I should not say that, forgive me. He is my cousin and my best friend’s wife.”