He waited for her on the couch, fully dressed, thank God. Shallamar was stretched out in a patch of sun near the full-length windows.
Gripping her courage in both hands, Winter crossed the living room and took a seat on the coffee table so she could face Kasim squarely.
He leaned forward. “Whatever it is, just tell me straight out.”
Christ on a crutch, if it was that easy she would have done it already. Squeezing her eyes shut, she took a long, bracing breath. Then she opened her eyes and doomed herself and whatever relationship she and Kasim might have had.
“When Lubanski had me tied up in the basement—” Her throat closed up, blocking the words, as though her subconscious was trying to silence her. She wished she could give in to it, but she’d never be able to live with herself if she kept this secret. Kasim and his people were in danger because of her, and they had to be warned.
She cleared her throat and tried again. “When I was in the basement, Lubanski had me hooked up to an IV. He pumped me full of chemicals that turned my whole body into a ball of agony.” She shuddered and tried to keep her attention on the words not the memories. “He said the pain induced by the chemicals was more powerful than any physical torture could be.” She forced herself to meet Kasim’s gaze. “I don’t know if that was true or not. What I do know is I’ve never experienced pain like that in my life.” And she prayed she never did again.
Kasim leaned forward, his hand outstretched to touch her, to comfort her. She stopped him before he could make contact. “No.” If he touched her now, she didn’t think she’d be able to continue. “Just let me finish.”
“All right.” He wasn’t happy, but he complied with a narrow-eyed stare that warned her to hurry up.
Winter couldn’t hold his gaze. She looked down at her hands, clenched together in a white-knuckled grip. “The pain. It was so overwhelming, so terrifying that I couldn’t get my brain to work. There was nothing but the burning agony.” A hot tear of shame fell onto her hand, and she didn’t bother brushing it away. “When he started asking questions, I told him everything.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “I would have said anything to make the pain go away. I’m so sorry. I betrayed you all.”
Miserable and heartsick, all Winter wanted to do was go home and tend to her devastated emotions. Unfortunately, Kasim would have questions about what she’d told her captors, about just how far she’d sundered his trust. Giving him answers was going to be the first part of her penance.
****
Kasim watched his brave mate hunch into a ball of shame and he simply couldn’t bear it. As far as he was concerned, the time limit on her request not to touch had just expired. Half-standing, he scooped her into his arms, then sat back on the couch. Bracing his back on the arm rest, he stretched his legs out on the seat cushions and positioned Winter between his thighs.
When he tried to pull her against his chest, she struggled, forcing him to allow her to sit up on her own. Interestingly, she didn’t try to leave the cage he made with his legs.
“Winter.” He put plenty of command into his voice, but she refused to lift her head. As if he’d let her off with that. Cupping her cheek, he gently forced her head up until her eyes met his. “If anyone is to blame, it’s me.” Her big brown eyes, teary and full of sorrow, told him she wasn’t convinced. “I was the one who asked you to go to the ball. I was the one who arranged your security, inadequate as that turned out to be.”
He rubbed his thumb over her golden skin. “You’re a civilian, untrained and unprepared for the ravages of being captured by the enemy.” Easing her closer, he pressed his forehead to hers. “I’m the one who should be begging your forgiveness. I told you I’d keep you safe, and I ended up putting you in so much danger I almost lost you.”
A fact which would no doubt give him nightmares for years to come. “I’m sorrier than I can say.”
Winter’s small, soft hands came up to rest on his shoulders, gently pushing until he eased back. A confused frown puckered her brow. “I don’t think you understand what I’m saying, Kasim. When Lubanski questioned me, I told him everything. How we escaped the lab, how I covered our tracks.” Her face flushed and she dropped her gaze. “I even told him we had sex. I’m so sorry.”
Her guilt was eating her up inside, and there was only one way he could assuage it for her. If he was going to dismantle her fears, they had to get everything out in the open. “Tell me everything. Tell me every detail about what you said to him.”
Kasim didn’t care. No rhe’hashan would expect a civilian to hold up under torture. He didn’t blame Winter, nor would any other member of the Swords. But she blamed herself, and the only way to deal with that was to tackle one secret at a time.
So, he listened to her as she recounted the interrogation as best she could. Kasim was amazed she’d remembered so much. Drugs and pain could wreak havoc on a person’s memories, as he could attest.
When she was done, she finally let him pull her into his arms. “So, you told him we had sex.”
“Yes.”
“Did you talk me up?”
She gave a surprised grunt of humor. “Of course.”
Smiling, he kissed the top of her head. “And you told him Shallamar was a me’hendra, but you didn’t explain what a me’hendra was.”
“No. I told him she was family, but I didn’t tell him she was a ginormous cat.” She sucked in a breath and her body went rigid, as if she was bracing herself. “But I would have. If he’d had me any longer I would have told him about Shallamar.”
“I understand.” He rubbed her back, trying to ease all those tight muscles. “But you didn’t tell him. He knew nothing about Shallamar except her name and her relationship to me. She’s perfectly safe.”
Winter’s body started to relax again and Kasim tightened his hold. “Did you tell them about Tallis and Jasmine?”
“No. He didn’t ask about them.”
“Good. Did you tell him where I live? Or where my friends reside?”
“No. I don’t even know where your friends live.”
“But you’ve been to my home, and you know Tallis and Jasmine’s address. You didn’t give us up, even though you could have. You told your captor about Shallamar, but didn’t give him anything he could actually use. You told him we had sex”—he rubbed his beard against her hair—“but as you gave me a glowing report, I’m prepared to let that slide.”
She choked off a laugh. “It’s not funny, Kasim.”
“No, it’s not.” It was fucking terrifying, knowing she’d been in the HEC’s hands. “You did the best you could in circumstances that were untenable. You told some secrets, but you kept others. And nothing you said to them can come back and bite us on the ass.” They’d found no evidence that Winter’s torture had been recorded, nor had they found any documentation. And the men who guarded her, including Lubanski, were no longer in a position to tell anyone anything.
Squeezing his arms a little tighter, Kasim breathed in Winter’s scent. “No one, me included, would expect you to be able to hold out under torture.”
Rolling them both to their sides, Kasim wriggled down the couch until he and Winter were prone. Hooking his leg over hers to hold her in place, he used his free hand to stroke her face and neck. “I know you feel terrible about what happened. I feel terrible, too, though for very different reasons.” Closing the distance, he gave her a soft, non-demanding kiss. “I think you’re amazing. You’re brave and courageous. You survived your ordeal with grace and strength, when anyone else would have been left cowering in the corner.”
Winter shook her head. “No, I’m not brave. I was a coward, telling them everything—”
He placed his fingers over her lips. “Those drugs worked on you exactly as they were supposed to. Yet you still didn’t give them anything they could use. You might feel as though you let me down, but the truth is you protected me and those I care about in the best way you could.” He moved his hand, resuming his foray up and down
the side of her neck. “I believe you did everything right. But if you need my forgiveness, you have it.”
“I … Kasim, I—” Winter stared up at him, clearly at a loss.
“It’s all right, truly.” Gathering her close, he cradled her against his chest. “You have my gratitude and my admiration.” He took a breath, the next words coming more easily than he thought they would. “And you also have my heart.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Winter’s stunned silence made Kasim feel like a bastard. She’d been through so much in the last two days, and the last thing she needed was him putting more emotional pressure on her. He’d just been so full of love for her, so happy to have her safe and in his arms, his heart had overrun his common sense.
Lifting her face to his, he gave her a reassuring smile. “There’s no pressure to respond. I just wanted you to know.”
His heart wouldn’t take it if she refused him, so he pressed his lips to hers before she could reply. He kissed her slow and deep, tasting her unique flavor, pouring his love into her with every stroke of his tongue. When he pulled away her eyelids drooped and she licked her swollen lips. She looked as dazed as he felt.
“How about I tell you some stories about my life on Jendar?” That was a nice, safe, non-heart-threatening topic.
She squirmed down and snuggled against his chest. “I’d love to know more about your home. I never asked before because I didn’t know if the memories were too painful.”
Some of them were. Some were so agonizing he didn’t think he’d ever be able to speak them aloud. But he had enough good ones to share.
“I was born into the Ice Plains clan, and my people lived on the Pennigren Tundra. Instead of green meadows, we had fields of white. And instead of tree-covered mountains, we sheltered next to cliffs and escarpments made of ice. In the summer, we lived on frozen lakes, fishing and hunting to provide food for the village and to store for the winter. In the cold season, we lived deep underground in a complex cave system that protected us from the worst of the weather.”
“It sounds harsh.”
“It was, but it was not without joy.” He ran his hand down her back, admiring the strong, lean lines of her body. “I remember getting into plenty of mischief when I was a youngster.”
“Like what?” He could hear the smile in her voice.
“Like yorgen racing. They’re pack animals, bred for strength and endurance. They’re not fast and they’re not friendly. The trickiest part of the race was always not having a chunk of skin taken out by your chosen mount.”
He kept his voice quiet as he shared his stories, losing himself in the memories even as he indulged in the pleasure of having his mate in his arms.
You need to tell her. Shallamar hadn’t moved from her place in the sun, but she’d clearly been listening.
I will. I just need a bit more time.
She snorted. What time? She your mate. Done.
It’s more complicated than that. Not that he’d expect his me’hendra to understand. I haven’t been as good to Winter as I should have been, and I have to make that up to her. Not to mention the fact she’s been recently traumatized. It’s best for both of us if I tread carefully.
That stupid. The humans who took her are gone, so they no threat. And she your mate. Making up is your job.
Kasim grinned, glad Winter couldn’t see his expression. Clearly Shallamar thought the job of a mated male was to grovel at his woman’s feet. Though, knowing how deep the mating bond could run, Kasim wasn’t dismissing that idea out of hand.
Shallamar padded over until she was directly in Winter’s eye line. With feline grace, she sat, curled her tail around her feet, and cocked her head.
Your mate may pet me.
A chuckle escaped Kasim at that imperious command. He brushed his lips against the top of Winter’s head. “Shallamar would like you to pet her.”
Lifting herself onto one elbow, Winter looked at his face. “Are you sure? The last time we met she seemed less than enthused.”
“The me’hendra are mercurial. They can hate you one day and love you the next. They can be ruthless or kind, and they’re rarely considerate.” Raising his hand, he stroked his fingers over the delicate skin of Winter’s shoulder. “When it comes to the me’hendra, there’s only one thing you can take to the bank.”
“And what’s that?”
“When they accept you, when they claim you as their own, nothing but death breaks the bond. If Shallamar decides to claim you, she will protect and defend you with her last breath.”
“So, if I pet her, she claims me?”
He laughed. “No. Think of it as beginning a friendship.”
Shallamar cocked her head. You bad to lie to your mate.
It’s not a lie. How we proceed now will determine the nature of your relationship. I want you and my mate to be friends. I want her to trust you the same way I do.
Offering him an equivocal grunt, Shallamar edged forward. Tell her hurry up.
Taking Winter’s hand in his, he guided it forward until she stroked Shallamar’s head. “The me’hendra are particular with their affections. Never touch one unless you’ve been specifically offered the privilege. They consider uninvited touch to be deeply offensive.” Lifting Winter until she sprawled across his body, he encouraged her to continue her ministrations. “But once you’ve been given permission, they will seek out your touch. They need physical connection in the same way we do, and because their pool of resources is deliberately small, you’ll be called on often.”
Gaining confidence, Winter scrambled over his body and dropped to her knees next to Shallamar. Wrapping her arms around the me’hendra, Winter hugged Shallamar with the same fierce affection she showed him when he was in his lepardine form. The sight eased some of the tension he’d been carrying. Winter’s ready acceptance of the me’hendra, and her willingness to form a bond, boded well for his chances at claiming her as his mate.
When Winter finally climbed to her feet, he stood and held out his hand. “Are you hungry?”
“A bit.” She slid her hand into his and stepped nice and close. “Although I think I should stick with something light.”
He’d thought the same thing. After her bout of sickness, her stomach was liable to be sore. “How about I make soup and sandwiches? You can eat as much or as little as you want.”
“Sounds good.”
He led both females into the kitchen. Settling Winter on a stool at the island bench, he started preparing their meal. As he moved around the space, Kasim asked Winter about her work. By tacit agreement, they kept their conversation light and away from more emotional issues.
Winter ate more than he thought she would, but less than he wanted her to. As they talked and ate, she seemed to relax, almost regaining her emotional balance. But once the meal was done and they’d cleaned up, the atmosphere between them began to shift. It grew heavy with unsaid words and the weight of expectations.
Leading Winter back into the lounge room, Kasim sat her on the couch and tucked a blanket over her lap. Shallamar followed them in, stretching out full length on the floor, her head on Winter’s feet. Kasim sat next to her on the couch, angled so he could watch the expressions on her face. “Time to talk, shamira.”
“Shamira. What does that mean?”
“It’s a very special endearment.” One that was only used between mates, but he wasn’t ready to reveal that fact yet. They had more pressing issues at the moment. “We need to discuss the fallout from your abduction.”
She shook her head. “I told you everything.”
“No. You spoke about what they did to you, and what you said.” Which had been traumatic enough for her. The protector in Kasim wanted to let this part of the process slide, but the warrior in him knew that would be a mistake. The sooner she addressed her emotions, the sooner she could start healing.
“It’s time to talk about how you feel.”
“I don’t want to.”
“I’m s
ure you don’t, and there’s no shame in that.” He scrubbed his hands through his beard, choosing his next words carefully. “Being kidnapped, being captured, and held powerless. It’s the kind of thing that can ruin you if you don’t find a way to work through it.”
Winter looked at him, her dark eyes bruised and uncertain. “You didn’t seem scared by your captivity at the hands of the HEC.”
Because he wasn’t. Not in the way she meant.
Tell her. Shallamar wriggled forward until she was draped over his feet as well as Winter’s.
No. Not only did he not want to talk about that experience, he didn’t want those images in Winter’s head. It was bad enough to have them in his own mind.
You want her to tell you about her worst thing. You need to tell her yours.
Goddess save him. He wanted to build trust between them, but he wasn’t sure this was the right way to go about it.
Tell! Shallamar accompanied the command with disciplinary nip to his calf.
Kasim gave the spot a vigorous rub to ease the sting. He didn’t know if Shallamar was right or not. But he could hardly expect Winter to bare her soul to him if he couldn’t do the same for her. Guts churning, he turned to his mate and picked up her hand. Then he prayed to Badria for Her wisdom and protection.
Scooting closer to Winter, he pressed her fingers to his lips and then settled her palm on his thigh.
“I understand about being terrified and vulnerable. Of being hurt and having no way to escape.” His heart picked up speed and a sickening chill crept up his spine.
Her brown eyes softened and she closed what little distance there was between them. “You’re not talking about your imprisonment at the lab.”
“No. Something worse.” He stroked his thumb over the back of her hand, soothing himself with the contact of her silky skin. “Shallamar thinks I should tell you.” And if Winter agreed to be his mate, she had the right to know. “But it’s dark, shamira. You may prefer for me to keep it to myself.”
Breaking Ice (The Jendari Book 2) Page 20