by RH Tucker
I lean down to her, wrapping her in a hug. I don’t know what else to say to try and keep her feelings at ease, so I go to kiss her. I want her to realize that she has nothing to worry about when it comes to Lana. But as my lips meet hers, I bring my hand up to her cheek, and she pulls away. It’s quick. Fast. As if even kissing me, outside, far away from the apartment, is still too weird for her.
She takes a seat in the car, and I shut the door behind her. “Text me later today.”
“Okay. I will.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too,” she replies. Then Cindy drives away.
Walking back into the apartment, I find Lana sitting up on the couch, the blanket wrapped around her.
She turns to me as I shut the door. “So, that was her?”
“Yeah.”
“She’s cute, Micah.”
I’m on my way to my room when I stop and look at her. It’s not that she calls her cute, or even that she’s giving her a compliment. It’s the fact that she’s so flippant about it when the entire time I’ve been going out with Veronica she’s been begging me to get back with her. So I stop and look her dead in the eye. “No, she’s not cute. She’s perfect.”
She stares at me, slowly nodding, before looking away.
“Get some sleep, Lana,” I add before heading to my room and closing the door.
Chapter 24
Veronica
Cindy grumbled in between yawns as she drove us back to her house. She asked what happened, if me and Micah got in a fight, or if I was sick. I didn’t want to answer her. The knot was already starting to form in the pit of my stomach, knowing I made a mistake. Why would I leave? I genuinely don’t think anything would happen between Micah and Lana, but there’s a tiny grain of doubt. I could say that Tim cheated on me, so why wouldn’t Micah? But that isn’t it.
I left our place. As much as I stay over, that’s my room. Our room. Then Lana shows up, and I just walk out, acting like I shouldn’t be there. She’s the one who shouldn’t be there. But even the little indignation that rattles around in my mind isn’t enough to quell my insecurities.
I know Lana. We weren’t friends in high school, and I never spoke a word to her while I saw her around my first semester on campus, but I know her. She’s gorgeous. Everything I’m not. And she dated Micah. Micah loved her at one time. She obviously loved him, and in some way, shape, or form, still does. And she had him. First.
“Lana’s in the apartment,” I finally squeak out, as she pulls into her driveway.
“Excuse me?” She parks the car, turning it off.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I answer her, getting out of the car and walking straight to her front door.
She scurries behind me, and I hear her keys jingling in her hand. “Don’t want to talk about it? Tough shit, girl, because we are so talking about it.”
“Cindy, please.” I stare at her front door, while she stands next to me. I’m waiting for her to unlock it, but she continues to stand there, and I can feel her eyes on me. “Can you open the door please?”
“V, why did you leave? What is wrong with you? You have every right to be there right now making her feel uncomfortable, not the other way around.”
“It’s his ex-girlfriend.”
“Exactly. Ex being the main component there. I have half a mind to drag you to the car and take you back.”
“Cindy—”
“No. This is important. You can’t just run off like that. Micah loves you. You should flaunt it in front of that skank, making out with him while she watches. She’s the loser who cheated on him, and now he’s with you. If I were you—”
“But you’re not me.”
“Yes, but if I was—”
“But you’re not!” I scream, finally looking at her. It seems like she wants to say something, but closes her mouth as she sees the tears roll down my cheeks. “Okay? You’re skinny. And petite. And she’s hot and tall and thin and everything I’m not. You want me to tell you why I left? Because I can’t compete with that and I don’t care what you say, because I know Micah isn’t comparing me. I know that, okay? But that doesn’t stop my brain from knowing she’s everything I’ll never be. Oh, and the icing on the cake? She’s slept with him. How am I supposed to suppress all of that crap with her right outside of the room I’m sleeping in?”
She doesn’t say anything. I swallow the lump in my throat, clenching my eyes shut, feeling more tears fall.
By all other accounts, it is a beautiful morning. I feel the warm sunrise on my back, the summer air’s crisp, and I even hear some birds chirping in the trees in her front yard. But I still want to get inside of her house, go directly to her room and throw her blankets over me, blocking out the world.
“Can you just open the door? Please?” I ask, keeping my eyes shut.
I feel her hand run over mine, giving it a squeeze. “Sure.”
There’s a slight tap on my forehead. Squeezing my eyes shut, I brush away whatever’s there, pulling my blankets up higher. I always loved Cindy’s bed. Her parents are both doctors—her mom a pediatrician and her father a cardiologist—and if I knew nothing else, I know they splurged when it came to her bed. The comforter is soft, and her pillows are like clouds. Her sheets feel so soft and silky, and are twelve-hundred thread count. I know because one night when I stayed over, she wouldn’t shut up about it.
I feel another tap, but this time it’s on my cheek. I brush my hand across my face, yawning as I do. Another tap. This one feels like something hits my eyelid.
Cracking my eyes open, I see Cindy sitting in a chair at her desk, her feet kicked up on it, crossed. She reaches into a box and then throws something at me. I shut my eyes, feeling it bounce off of my nose.
“What are you doing?” I ask, opening my eyes once again to see what she threw at me on the comforter. “Is that a Cheerio?”
“Honey nut,” she answers, reaching into the box and grabbing another one.
“Why are you throwing them at me?”
“Two reasons,” she says, throwing a piece of cereal at me again, this one hitting my hair. “One, you’ve been asleep for five hours. It’s noon, so you need to get up.”
“And the second?”
She pauses, taking a deep breath. Closing the cereal box, she looks back at me. “I get it, V. I really do. And I’m not trying to be a bitch here, but I’m still mad at you.” I pull the comforter over my face. “That is your man. You shouldn’t have left, no matter how insecure you feel. He loves you. You know he does.”
“Yeah.”
“Then?”
“I don’t know!” Bringing the blankets back down, my eyes find hers. “I wish I could explain to you exactly how this works, but I can’t. Unless you’ve lived it, then I don’t think you’ll ever get it.”
“Get it? Are you serious? Veronica, I’m five-foot-nothing, one-hundred pounds soaking wet, with breasts guys have to squint to see.”
I giggle. “Yeah, but you got the whole ‘hot Asian’ thing going on.”
“Ugh, don’t even get me started on that. Do you know how annoying it is for people to constantly ask if I’m from China? Not only is it racist, it’s ignorant. I’m half-Korean! And my mom’s not even an immigrant, she was born in Seattle!” I giggle again, this time a little harder. “I’ve got a white dad, but all of my genes seem to come from my mom. I know what it’s like to be insecure about things.”
“But you’re skinny.”
She throws her head back. “You’re never going to get over that, are you?”
“Cindy, it’s just so difficult when it’s been my whole life. I was the chubby girl growing up. We met in seventh grade, but I’ve always been the big girl. They called me roly-poly in third grade.”
“But what about Micah?” She rolls her chair over to the bed, leaning closer. “You told me he never asks about taking your shirt off.”
I giggle, thinking about last night. “I actually wore the babydoll last night.”<
br />
“And?”
Pulling the blankets higher, I smile at the memory. “He loved it.”
“You see! He thinks you’re beautiful. Why don’t you believe him?”
“I do believe him. It’s just …”
I take a deep breath. Finally sitting up, the blankets still wrapped around me, I can’t meet her eyes. “When I’m with him, when it’s only us, I believe him. I know he sees me for me and I love it. I love him. But it’s like a light switch. When it’s just us, it’s like there’s no one else. We have our own little world in the dark. Then I have to turn the lights on. I have to get up and head back into the world where I’ve never been pretty enough. I’ve never been skinny enough. There are two worlds that I have to live in, Cindy.
“How am I supposed to deal with that? I can’t just live in the world I have with Micah because as great as that might seem, then I’d just be obsessed with him. But I can’t depend solely on him. I have to live, too. And by living my own life, I have to be in this world. The same place where Tim cheated on me, acted like it was my fault, and said I was too big to ever make a move on. So even when Micah tells me he loves me, I still feel like I’ll never be good enough.”
She’s quiet. I feel the prick of tears, but I force them back. I don’t want to cry again because I know this isn’t anyone’s fault but my own for feeling like this.
Cindy gets out of her chair and comes over to the bed, wrapping her arms around me. “I love you, V. I’ll help you as much as I can to get over this. I will. But you have to be the one to commit. I can say all of the positive things in the world about you, and you can laugh and nod and agree all you want, but in the end, if you don’t truly feel it, then you’re always gonna feel like you’re not good enough for someone. But you are.”
“I know.”
“No. You don’t.”
I can’t help but laugh. “Okay, Dr. Cindy.”
“Hey, you know I’m going to school for family psychology.”
“Yeah. You gonna be my shrink?”
She pulls back to look at me, but still keeps her arms around me. “Yeah. You’ll be my first patient. Don’t worry, I’ll give you a discount.”
Chapter 25
Micah
It’s been three days since Veronica’s slept over. Today will be the fourth.
We’ve talked on the phone, and sent a few text messages, but that’s it. When I asked her later that day if she was coming back, she said she should stay home, since they’d just returned home from their trip. Okay, I can understand that.
The second day, she said she was busy. She’s helping Tomás out with paperwork for their father’s company. I wish I knew if it was because of the incident with Lana. I told her Lana left the apartment a few hours later, but it didn’t seem to help. Yesterday, she had plans with Cindy and Izzy. They wanted to hang out before we all start getting too busy with the new semester. Taylor wants a final beach party this weekend, so I told Veronica, and she finally said she’d come.
“Hey, Micah,” Clare calls out, as I reorganize a set of weights.
It’s a slow day at the gym and Clare is a new hire. It’s her third day. She usually works the front desk and answers the phone. One of the reasons Taylor wants to have a party is because he’s already eyeing her. I told him it’s not a good idea to go out with someone we work with, but he just shrugged it off.
“What’s up, Clare?”
“Um, there’s a girl at the front desk asking for you?”
“Oh, yeah?” I perk up, raising my eyebrows and smiling.
I asked if Veronica wanted to come over tonight or at least have lunch on my lunch break, but I hadn’t heard anything back from her yet. She must’ve surprised me.
Clare nods with a grin. “Is that your girlfriend? Veronica?”
I start to head to the front of the gym but look back at her with a puzzled expression. I don’t remember telling her about Veronica.
“Sorry, Taylor was talking to me yesterday. Said you’re crazy for settling down already. But she’s gorgeous.”
I let out a laugh. “Taylor would say something like that. But yeah, she is gorgeous. Thank you. Speaking of Taylor, though, you gonna make the beach party this weekend?”
“Yeah.” She nods in excitement.
“Cool.”
I walk through the frosted glass doors separating the front desk area and the gym, eager to see Veronica, but the excitement deflates. It’s Lana.
My words come out harsh and fast. “What the hell are you doing here?”
She doesn’t respond to my tone, nor my demeanor. Ignoring both, she walks closer and grabs my arm, smiling. “I just wanted to thank you again.”
“Fine. You’re welcome. Now leave.”
My eyes twitch over toward Clare, who looks nervous. She turns and walks back toward the frosted doors and into the gym area.
“Don’t do that,” Lana reprimands me, still holding my arm.
“Excuse me?”
“Don’t act like a jerk, Micah. That’s not you. You’re not an asshole.”
I yank my arm away from her, then quickly brush by her toward the front doors. “You’re right, I’m not. Except when it comes to you. And do you want to know why? Because you made me like this, Lana. You did this. Are you happy with the monster you created, Dr. Frankenstein?”
I push open the front doors, motioning with my hand for her to leave. I’m expecting her to put up an argument or act like a grumpy three-year-old and throw a tantrum—I’ve seen it before—but she doesn’t do either of those things. Instead, she nods slowly, letting out a sigh, and walks toward the door.
Stopping at the entrance, she raises a hand to my cheek, her blue eyes striking mine. “I’m sorry, Micah. I’ll apologize every day if I have to.”
“You don’t have to, Lana. Because it won’t make any difference. You could apologize twenty-four hours a day, every day for the rest of your life, and it still wouldn’t make any difference.”
“Please …” Her voice cracks, but I don’t know if she’s crying or not, because she leans closer, wrapping her arms around me, burying her face in my neck.
“There are no pleases. Not anymore. Do you remember what I said the first time? After I caught you at the party?” I feel her nod. “It felt like you broke me. You broke my trust. I put myself back together, and I don’t know why, but I gave you another chance. And you did it again. Only this time, my trust didn’t just break, it obliterated. And if I’m perfectly honest, I’m still trying to pick up those shattered pieces.”
“But I can change. I promise you, I can change.”
“I don’t care, Lana. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I don’t care if you become Mother Teresa. How am I supposed to trust you now? I can’t. It’s impossible. You chased me in high school, and it was flattering. It really was. I was this geeky, art kid, and you were a bombshell. You still are. But then you messed up. I was over it. And you know what you did? You chased me again. And I fell for it. Again.”
“Fell for it?” She finally looks up, and I see the tears running down her cheeks. “It wasn’t a game, Micah.”
“But it was.” All of my hate and hurt are draining out. I raise up my hand, wiping away her tears. I remember holding her face like I am now, kissing her and feeling like I didn’t need anything else. Now I know I need something else. I need someone else. “You might have not thought it was or realized it. But if you think about it, if you really think about it, you’ll see it’s always been a game to you, Lana. You like the chase. You want to prove it to yourself.”
“That’s not true.”
I honestly can’t believe what I’m about to say, but I know I have to. She might not see it, but I knew her back then. I know her now. I know exactly what’s she’s like.
“Really?” I take a deep breath. “That guy I caught you with at Matt’s—” I stop, forcing myself to get through this. “When I caught you … tell me, had he already helped you out?”
Her eyes fall away,
her face dejected.
“See? You got what you wanted? I bet you even chased him that night.”
“Micah, I really was drunk that night. We took—”
“I don’t care.” Another deep breath. She’s making me relive all of these memories, but maybe if I can get through to her, she’ll see. “You weren’t drunk on your birthday, were you?”
She looks away. “No.”
“And that idiot, he never knew what hit him, did he? Do you even remember his name?”
“Kevin. He …” Her tears are falling, but for the first time, it’s not over me. I think she’s starting to see. “He had a girlfriend. I hit on him when she went to the bathroom.”
“Jesus, Lana.”
She stands in front of me, her hands pressed to my chest, silent tears falling. For a moment, I think I’ve finally gotten through to her. Then, she wipes her tears away, her gaze locking back on mine. “But I know I was wrong, Micah. That’s what I’m trying to prove to you. I messed up, but I won’t mess up anymore. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want you.”
I can’t yell or scream or even sigh in frustration. Instead, I chuckle. I actually chuckle because I seriously can’t believe she thinks she can fix what she broke.
“I’m going to do whatever it takes, Micah. I can’t live without you. I know that now. I screwed up, but I’m going to make this right.” Raising a hand to my cheek, she offers me the faintest smile. “I will.”
“Micah?”
Looking behind the door I’m in front of, I turn and see Veronica. She’s holding what looks like two drinks and a large paper bag. Lunch. Her eyes find mine, before floating over to Lana. Her face drops and then she spins on her heels, walking away.
“Shit.” I push Lana away and run over to her. “Veronica, hold on.”
“No, it’s fine,” she calls back. “Whatever.”
“What? What’s fine? Veronica, wait.” I finally get in front of her. “Would you just please stop?”