by Dawn Doyle
“Swap controllers.” He demanded.
Like that was going to redeem him!
As he realized I was still winning, he began to lean against me, making me off balance.
“What are you doing?” I snickered.
“Trying to put you off.” He said, pressing into me a bit more.
“It won’t work.”
“It will!” He said in a sing-song voice.
I was almost lying on my side, with Logan’s heavy frame leaning on me and I was loving every second of the close contact; his bare forearm against mine.
The feeling of him touching me had my head in a fog. Thoughts of him touching me in different places and kissing me with his perfect mouth, still feeling his hands on me from the massage in the kitchen. I lost all concentration as Logan leant on me even more, so I was lying on my side, and he won the round.
“Ha! I told you!” He cheered with a satisfactory smile; still leaning on me.
He looked at me for a second and then sat up straight. “Another round?” He asked, but he seemed unsure.
I was going to suggest a different game. One that didn’t involve our physical contact.
Fuck it. I thought to myself.
“Of course. You cheated so now I’m going to have to beat you down.” I said in my best fighting talk voice.
“Oh, it’s on!” He said in the same way. “Let the battle begin.”
My body was on fire next to Logan as we played the game. He tried to cover my eyes again, but I quickly dodged his hand, and shoved into him to push him away, loving it.
“Hey!” He laughed out.
“Stop cheating!” I giggled.
“It’s not cheating. It’s called gaining an advantage.”
“By cheating.”
“Ok, yeah.” He admitted.
Then, Logan leant across me, in front of my face so I couldn’t see.
“Logan!” I cried again as I laughed.
Inside, though, my stomach was doing all kinds of flips as he rested across my lap. His thigh was against mine, his side was resting on my thigh and his right elbow was now pressing onto the bed, as though he was trying to lay across me. I didn’t mind in the slightest. In fact, I wanted to put my controller down and run my fingers through his hair whilst he stayed exactly where he was. I couldn’t tell him that, though, but the way he’d suddenly started to touch me more than usual today, was as if he already knew and he was teasing me.
There was a time, in sophomore year, when we’d run through the school parking lot in the pouring rain. When we got inside, before I had a chance to do it myself, he pushed the loose, wet strands of hair out of my face. I just froze and let him. It had felt intimate but once he was done, he went back to his normal self, like nothing had happened. I’d dreamt about that for months afterwards.
“You’re going down!” He said, playfully. Pushing more of his weight onto me.
“Nice try, Blackwood, but you will never defeat me!” I replied.
“We’ll see about that.”
As Logan was leant sideways across me, he shifted his weight to his left side, pushing me backwards.
“Stop!” I laughed as he continued to push me down. If I didn’t have strong core muscles from gymnastics, I would’ve been flat on my back.
“Winner!” The voice came from the TV.
I’d beaten him again.
“Damn it!” He said, without moving.
“I told you! Now, get up you heavy lump.”
Logan slowly sat up next to me again.
“I clearly suck at this.” He said, turning his face to me, his eyes looking into mine.
“Just a bit.” I teased, and I tried not to sigh at the blue pools; his thick, dark eyelashes framing them perfectly.
Logan flinched, as if he were about to lean closer to me, when the bedroom door opened.
“Hey dudes!” Pike said as he walked in.
He held his fist out to bump Logan and then me, before sitting on the computer chair. Logan didn’t look pleased that we’d been interrupted, and I wondered why that was. We were only playing a game, after all.
“Awesome game, who’s winning?” Pike asked.
“Chase. She’s kicked my ass.” Logan smiled. “I got in one win and only because I cheated.”
“Pass it here.” Pike held his hand out to take Logan’s controller, and I knew that I was stuck playing the game with him.
Logan passed it over, and we set our characters.
“Where are the other guys?” Logan asked.
“Picking up Lex. They said they’ll come over too. They should be here soon.”
My heart dropped. Carl would be over, and he would make his dislike known as soon as he got here.
“Let’s see what you got, dude.” Pike said.
“You do realize I’m not actually a dude?” I said, slightly annoyed.
“Yeah, yeah.” Pike said, dismissing what he said, getting ready for our virtual battle.
“Game on!” the voice came from the TV and Pike began pressing the buttons wildly, probably trying to prove something because he was playing against a girl.
In no time at all, the voice boomed again.
“Winner!”
Pike was worse than Logan.
“Shit! That was my favorite character too.” He complained. “Again.” He challenged, but it was in vain.
I beat him twice more when the others came in.
“Somebody please beat Chase.” Pike whined when the others sat down.
Carl looked at me, and I knew he wasn’t happy.
“I’ll go.” He said.
If I thought he was unhappy with me being there, he was furious when I beat him too; then Stu, then Lex.
Logan laughed at their disgruntled expressions.
“Fuck, we should make a tournament or something. Put money on Chase. We’d make a fortune!” Said Pike, rubbing his hands together.
“You’re kidding, right?” said Carl.
Now that was something I would’ve said, more in disbelief than anything, but Carl… He said it as if I were a joke. I couldn’t stop myself before my mouth opened.
“What the fuck is your problem?”
I noticed Logan stiffen beside me.
“He’s just pissed he got beat by a girl.” Lex laughed.
“Fuck you, Lex.” Carl spat. “I didn’t get beat by a girl.” He sneered at me.
“Watch it, Carl.” Logan said, and I could hear the threat in his tone.
“It’s ok, Logan. His ‘manhood’ obviously feels threatened.” I said, holding my fingers up for emphasis.
Carl’s eyes bugged.
“I’m going to go before I do something I won’t be able to take back.”
“Yeah? Like what?” Carl asked, snarling.
“Like castrating you with my bare hands.” I practically growled.
“Chase…”
“It’s ok, Logan.” I said before he could stop me. “See you in school.”
I walked out, the other guys not saying a word; just sitting there in shock.
*****
I’d gotten as far as the front door when Matt showed his irritating self.
“Going somewhere, cock-block?” He asked.
“Home. Not that it’s any of your business.”
I moved to open the door, and he stopped in front of me. I was already angry, and I felt it bubble up, ready to explode.
“Not so fast.” He looked me up and down, and I automatically curled my shoulders forward, pushing my back out to hide my body. I didn’t like his eyes on me.
“Why don’t you stay and keep me company? Maybe I can bring you out of that shell of yours?” He said with a leering sneer.
“Oh my God!” I burst out laughing, which confused the hell out of him. “Do you even hear yourself? That was pathetic, Matt. Even for you.”
I shoved him out of the way, my catching him off guard by answering back allowing me to, and I opened the door and walked out.
“What the fuck, Matt?” I
heard Logan shout as I was halfway down the path.
The door opened, and Logan ran towards me.
“Chase, are you ok?” He asked.
His hand reached to touch me, but he stopped, as if realizing what he was about to do, and put it in his pocket.
“Yeah. Nothing I can’t handle.” I said with a shrug.
“I’m sorry about him.”
“He’s a douche.”
“About Carl too.”
“Another douche.”
God, my language skills were impressive… not.
“I can get rid of them, you know…”
“No” I interrupted. I wasn’t about to come between him and his other friends. Even though I was there first.
Now, I sound like a child!
I walked away from Logan and listened to my music on the way back. It was only a fifteen-minute walk to my house, and I didn’t want to call my Mom to get me. I wanted to use the time to think.
Think about how things were between Logan and me. Try to make sense of why Carl disliked me so much. I mean, I hadn’t done anything to him at all. I also wanted to know why Matt constantly picked at me too. It was as if he knew my insecurities and were calling me on them; the fact that I often felt like a tagalong, and that I was self-conscious about my body and hid it away. He knew just what to say to get my hackles rising. If his last comment hadn’t been so ridiculous, that it made me laugh, I would’ve hit him.
Carl, on the other hand, made me feel as if I were the outcast; the odd one out. The other guys weren’t so bad, but Carl always had something to say, which usually referred to me not being a girl or not belonging with them.
I didn’t get it. In our school, plenty of girls hung out with guys. Even the girly-girls did sometimes. But, there was something I noticed. The others were in groups. Even the tomboys, in a group, hung out with guys. I was the only girl in ours. I suppose I was the odd on out, but I hadn’t been made to feel like that until I started hanging with the guys as a group. Possibly because I usually stayed in the background, but I was getting tired of it.
Yeah, I was the wallflower. The one who, even at a small party, was overlooked. I was the one who was forgotten about because I was so quiet and didn’t stand out.
The further I walked home, the more I became annoyed that I’d allowed that to happen; that I’d allowed people to treat me that way. Mostly, I was annoyed that I’d done it to myself. Maybe that was why Logan never saw me as anything but a friend. Maybe he wanted the opposite of me. Somebody like Sian or Carly. Somebody who stood out and wasn’t afraid to let people see them for whom they were.
I can’t. I thought to myself, and I started to get upset.
I can’t just change who I am to please someone else. It wouldn’t be right, and it wouldn’t be fair on either of us.
I reached my house and went straight to my room.
“Chase? Did Logan drop you?” My Mom shouted up the stairs after me.
“No. I walked.”
“Chase! I told you to call me!”
My Mom got worried if I were out alone, even if I were only a few minutes away.
“I needed to be alone, Mom.”
I tried to block out my Mom’s rant about personal safety and being responsible for it.
“Yes Mom.” I answered her.
I was to call her if I needed a ride. Hopefully, I wouldn’t need to for much longer.
My parents were going to get me a car before senior year. They wondered why I hadn’t wanted one sooner, what with my Dad being high up in a car manufacturing company. I guess I just wasn’t all that interested, even though I could get a really expensive one because of the heavy discounts through the company. I wanted a motorcycle, but my Mom had almost blown a fuse at that request, but I really wanted on. I finally agreed to get a car so it would be easier to get about for my studies and going to visit colleges when my parents couldn’t come, not that I wanted them to, and when Logan couldn’t take me. I didn’t like how my Mom relied on Logan always being there. It wasn’t as if we’d been friends all our lives.
Then, it hit me.
I felt a pain in my chest when I realized that Logan wouldn’t always be there. That there would come a day when he found somebody and he’d have no time for me. Sure, I could meet someone, but I didn’t see that happening soon. Not with the way I was, and certainly not with the way guys saw me.
I shook my head to clear it.
I was thinking like a moody brat, and being so self centered, that I was annoying myself. I was going to stop doing that. I was going to suck it up and take each day as it came. I just hoped that being in love with Logan wasn’t going to jeopardize our friendship. I wasn’t about to tell him or anybody else.
My phone beeped, and I had a text from Logan.
L: Did you get home safe?
C: Yeah. A few minutes ago.
L: Sorry, again.
C: Not your fault, forget it. CU2moro.
L: Ok. CU2moro. I’ll pick you up.
C: K
Tomorrow was another day and I was going to start fresh. Right then, I decided I wasn’t going to take Carl’s crap anymore.
Chapter 5
I looked in the mirror at my reflection. I was wearing a pair of ‘boyfriend’ jeans that were loose everywhere, and they hung on my hips. If I were to wear a normal T-shirt, or a vest top, I would show skin.
So I did.
I tried on one of the vests, that my Mom had bought for my birthday just before the start of the school year. They were fitted and showed my full chest and my slim waist.
I looked ok I guess, if I were comfortable, but I wasn’t. Too much attention would be drawn to places I wasn’t confident in showing. My lower stomach & hip bones peeking out the bottom, and my chest was hugged tightly.
I took it off and replaced it with my black Batman T-shirt. I covered the essentials, and I felt better.
I applied a thin coat of mascara and tied my hair into a mid ponytail. A little higher than usual, and more girly than I had worn it in the past.
“Logan’s here!” My Mom shouted, so I grabbed my bag and headed downstairs.
Logan was in the hallway, and he looked as though he was blushing nervously as I jogged down the stairs to meet him.
“Are you ok?” I asked as I approached him.
“Um…” He cleared his throat. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He couldn’t keep eye contact with me, and I wondered why.
I heard a laugh from the living room, and I turned to see my Dad leaning against the door frame, chuckling.
“What’s going on?” I asked, confused.
”Nothing, sweetheart.” My Dad chuckled again and turned back into the room. I watched him go in.
“Ready?” Logan asked, seemingly back to normal.
“Yeah.”
We got into his car and a thought occurred to me…
After the race, Logan looked uneasy when my Dad was there, and just now too.
“Is something going on?” I asked him.
“Like what?”
I told Logan about what I’d witnessed. He blushed again.
“No. Your Dad just makes me uneasy sometimes.” He laughed, nervously.
“Huh.” I said, narrowing my eyes.
I didn’t believe him, but I didn’t want to push him, either.
“Are you getting Bren’s groceries today?” He asked, changing the subject.
One of my neighbors, Bren Wicks, was an old lady and she couldn’t get by on her own very much. So, when her care giver came over to look after her, I went grocery shopping for her. I liked to help. She was always sweet to me growing up.
“Yeah. I need to pick up her meds too.”
“Cool.”
I knew what that meant. He was coming with me, as usual, and I loved that he did.
On the way to school, I wanted to ask what had happened after I’d left his house, but I really didn’t want to know the things Carl, or Matt, had said about me.
Instead, we just tal
ked about what we were doing that weekend because we weren’t going to the junior prom. We decided on a movie, at my house, Chinese takeaway, and cards. Not exactly what I wanted to be doing with Logan when we were alone, but I accepted that that wasn’t going to happen.
We got into school with Lex and Pike meeting us at the door.
“Hey dudes!” Pike smiled.
Let it go, Chase! I thought to myself.
“Hey guys.” We both said.
“So, what’s up?” Pike asked as we walked towards our classes.
“Nothing.” Logan answered him.
“Are you still pissed at Carl?”
I looked at Logan, and I saw him scowl at Pike, like he didn’t want me to know.
“Yes.” He said, bluntly.
“Why?” I asked him. I’d already expressed my dislike, yesterday, so something must have happened between them too.
“He was being an ass, as usual.” Logan said with a shrug.
I was about to ask him what he’d done when Carl and Stu walked in. Logan wasn’t happy, and Carl looked anywhere but at the two of us.
“Are you coming to practice today?” Stu asked.
“Yeah of course.” Logan replied, and they stopped walking as they began talking about innings, swings and pitches.
I was lost halfway through the conversation. I didn’t know anywhere near enough about baseball to understand what they were saying. Logan hardly spoke about the terminology to me, and I never thought about looking it up.
As I looked between them, I knew I was forgotten about, again.
No, I didn’t want to be center of attention, but as a part of the group I would’ve liked to have been included. Fair enough, I didn’t play baseball and it didn’t interest me all that much, but I had been there for almost all of their practices and I had attended every one of their games.