by Dawn Doyle
“Pah!” Bren said, waving her hand but grinning like a little girl.
“What have you done?” I asked in my best Mom tone.
“Nothing.” She lied.
“She sneaked some candy, this afternoon, and sent her blood sugars through the roof.” Jo said before waving goodbye.
“Bren! You know you shouldn’t do that unless you’re low.” I chastised her.
“I was low, but now I’m happy.” She giggled.
“I meant your blood sugar.”
Bren laughed.
“Speaking of sugar…” She said with a devilish grin.
I closed my eyes in anticipation for the cringe worthy words she was about to say… in front of Logan.
“Have you had any sugar lately?”
There they were and there was the red on my cheeks as I flushed with embarrassment.
“Bren!” I complained, but she just howled with laughter. “Time to check your levels.” I growled and got her blood testing kit.
I’d done this for her hundreds of times, but it still didn’t feel right making her bleed.
“Eight-point-five. You’re lucky you don’t need to be dosed with insulin.” I said, putting the kit away.
Bren was eighty-five but her diabetes made her seem older. I’d seen other, much older, people move about a lot more freely than she did.
“Let me have my fun.” She said, her eyes turning back to Logan and he chuckled nervously from her attention. “What about you handsome?” She asked, clearly loving our discomfort.
“No.” He said, quietly, dropping his eyes to the floor.
“Well…” Bren smiled. “You two best get busy.”
Both of us snapped our eyes to Bren, then to each other, then back to Bren.
Oh. My. God!
I think I died a little inside.
I can’t believe she just said that! I thought to myself.
I had no idea what Logan thought but by the look on his face he probably thought she’d lost her mind.
Bren burst out laughing.
“You should see your faces!” She cackled. “I’m just kidding! I know you’re just friends.”
Bren wiped the tear from her eyes, but not before throwing me a knowing wink when Logan’s eyes cast down to his feet.
The old lady was going too far. She’d made comments, in the past, about Logan and I making a cute couple and about how she could see I like him ‘that way’. I’d tried to dismiss her, but she saw through my facade-the only person to-but she’d never said anything in front of Logan, and knew I didn’t want to talk about it.
Today was the first time she’d brought it up in front of him.
“So, how long until the end of the school year?” She asked, and I was grateful for the subject change.
“Three weeks.” I replied.
I was glad too. Junior year had been tough, hormonally as well as academically, but I knew senior year was going to be worse.
“I bet you’re both excited for that.” She said, suddenly looking very tired.
“Yeah.” We answered in unison.
“Ok, I think you need to nap now, Bren.” I said, and I took the blanket from her sofa, draping it over her lap.
I used the remote to recline her chair and covered her up.
“You’re a good girl, Chase. You always know what I need.” Bren patted my hand.
“That’s because I’ve known you for a long time.” I replied. “Anyway, here’s your remote.” I placed it next to her thigh. “And if you need anything, call me or my Mom, ok?”
“I will honey.”
Bren’s eyes grew heavy, and Logan and I left.
“She’s crazy.” Logan said when we crossed the street to my house. He was shaking his head in disbelief.
“Yeah, she could’ve made herself really sick.”
“Um, yeah.”
I had a feeling he wasn’t talking about the stunt with the candy.
No. He thought Bren was crazy talking about ‘us’.
Great.
That idea, to him, was crazy. I’m pretty sure I could feel another part of my heart harden in knowing that.
Chapter 6
We walked into my house and into the kitchen. My heart was pounding as Logan stood close to me by the counter. So close I could feel the warmth of him through his T-shirt, and my legs began to tremble.
Apart from trying to make up for the morning, I had no idea why he stood so close. That wasn’t normal for him.
When he’d irritated me in the past, he would be extra nice, sure, but today he was different. It wasn’t fair. If it were anybody else I would’ve thought they were trying it on with me, but I knew Logan wasn’t. He had to know what he did to me when he did that, and not liking me that way… well it was just cruel.
I quickly moved away and opened the fridge, as if I weren't even bothered about his nearness, and I got out a couple of drinks for us. I put his in front of him, and walked around the other side of the counter from where he was standing.
“Chase, are you ok?” He asked softly. “Are you still mad at me?”
I looked up into his worried face and my stomach flipped over.
I want you to love me back! I shouted at him in my head.
“No. I’m just worried about Bren. She could’ve made herself sick.”
I wasn’t lying. I really was worried about her.
“Oh. I’m sure she’ll be fine. You tested her yourself.”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “I suppose so.”
“Anyway, we have studying to do for our finals.” He said.
I’d completely forgotten about studying.
Our school did them near the end of the junior year and the spring of senior year.
“I’ll just go get my books.” Logan went back out to get his books from his car.
I started to panic.
We usually study in my room. The way I was feeling, and Logan’s recent attention to me, I was feeling somewhat anxious about being alone with him in my room.
Be cool, Chase. Act like it’s nothing. He’ll know something’s up if you change now.
“Got ‘em.” He said, coming through the door.
He gestured for me to walk in front of him, so I carefully climbed the stairs, very aware of Logan behind me.
Logan kicked off his shoes and flopped down on my bed with his bag and, once again, covered his lap with my pillow.
I sat near the end, away from him, and dug my math books out of my bag.
“Shit, I can’t find my pen.” Logan said as he rooted through his bag. “Do you have a spare?”
I dug out a pen and tossed it to him.
I watched as he took the pen to his mouth, keeping his eyes on me, as he pulled the cap off with his teeth. Exactly the same way he had when he’d first talked to me.
He smiled, the lid still between his teeth, before turning the pen around and pushing the end into the cap.
I wanted to jump him so bad it hurt!
Yes, that’s how I wanted Logan. I wanted all of him.
I wanted his kisses, his touches, and I wanted his body like a lover does.
Being ‘just friends’ with him was killing me, and with him seeing me as one of the guys only hurt even more.
I tried to tell myself that getting Logan however I could, would be enough, but it wasn’t, and with today’s events it never would be. I had no idea if he felt anything for me. I didn’t know what to do, and I was beyond terrified of him finding out.
I would lose him.
“So, we’re up to point eight.”
Logan’s voice broke through my inner self pity party, and I realized he was flicking through his textbook.
“Yeah, we were.” I opened my own book and turned to a fresh sheet of paper in my notepad.
I was taken by surprise when Logan suddenly shifted onto his stomach, bringing himself closer to me; his head nearer to my knee as I was sitting cross-legged. If I straightened my arm, I could reach out and touch his face.
He put his notepad next to mine and waited for me to start.
This was how our math studies went, minus Logan’s position.
I would read out the question, or problem, and Logan would solve it. I’d help him work out the ones he had trouble with.
I watched his features as he worked out the problems, and I really wanted to touch him.
Time was going by quickly and before I knew it, we’d been studying for over an hour and a half.
I suggested we take a break and Logan was about to say something when my Mom walked in, asking whether he wanted to stay for dinner.
She didn’t even knock. We could’ve been doing anything!
I wish.
Logan sent his Mom a text, and we went downstairs for dinner.
A half hour of awkward conversation about school and our studies but, luckily, no dating questions came up.
After dinner, Logan and I went back to my room to watch a movie. We chose Guardians Of The Galaxy.
It was hilarious.
Logan sat right next to me, and I could smell him every time I took a breath, making me nervous and on edge. Even without lifting, I knew my hands would be shaking. When it was over; I’d never been so relieved to finish a movie in my life!
“I better get going.” Logan said, putting his shoes back on.
I walked him to the front door and before he walked out, he turned back.
“I’m really sorry about this morning, Chase.” He said, quietly.
Probably so my Dad wouldn’t hear and tear him a new one for upsetting me.
“I know, it’s ok.” I said, even though I still wasn’t ok.
I wasn’t expecting it when Logan put his arms around me.
He pulled me close to him for a hug.
A full hug. Not a ‘bro’ hug.
No. This was a proper hold-you-so-close-you-can’t-breathe hug.
I let my arms circle his waist and held him too. The hardness of his body pressed to mine, and I didn’t even care that my boobs were squashed up against him.
All too soon, he let me go and I felt the loss of his warmth immediately.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said with a smile; his eyes dark and his pupils dilated.
The hallway was a little dark, I guess. I had absolutely no thought that it was because he was attracted to me. I would’ve known that.
I watched Logan wave before driving away, then I ran to my room, stripped off and jumped into the shower, turning down the temperature. I was hot all over.
Hot because of Logan.
Because of his eyes, his smile, his hard body, but mostly because I loved him so damn much.
*****
The next day, everything was back to normal. Logan was his usual self. No extra-niceness or closeness.
Lex, Pike and Stu acted like nothing had happened. Even Carl looked as bored as ever when I met them for lunch.
It was as if the previous day had never happened other than the bruise on Carl’s lip. In my Logan filled day, I’d forgotten to ask about it. I wondered if I’d dreamt the whole thing.
As the days passed, and I was once again the little wallflower, I noticed a couple of things:
One: Logan would shuffle more in his seat.
Two: Every few minutes he took a deep breath like he was controlling himself; he insisted he was fine.
Three: Whenever he would pick me up, especially in the mornings, he looked a little embarrassed; his cheeks turning pink.
I pretended not to notice. I didn’t want to call him on it that wouldn’t have been fair. However, I was becoming paranoid that maybe he’d been with a girl and he was worried that I’d find out.
I thought that was ridiculous, though. As ‘just friends’ why would he hide that from me? Unless it was what I suspected; he knew I had feelings for him and he was just sparing me. But… when would he have had the spare time?
My thoughts had gotten so messed up, I didn’t know what to think anymore.
Yes, Logan is my best friend. Yes, I’m in love with him. Yes, my body reacts to him like he’s a charged magnet pulling me in. I wanted…dreamed…of him holding me and kissing me until I couldn’t breathe. I wanted him to love me and to be my first, my only. But, would it hurt me if he found someone else?
Abso-fucking-lutely.
It was almost the end of junior year, we’d just finished our finals and we would both be eighteen before the start of senior year. There was no way he wouldn’t want to hook up with girls.
It was thoughts like these that made Matt’s comments float around in my head.
Cock-block
You’re in the way of him getting laid.
He could be fucking some girl, right now, if you weren’t here.
You’re a fucking hindrance to my brother, and the sooner you realize that, the better.
Then there were Carl’s comments.
Tagalong
Great. There goes our fun-time out the window.
Why does Chase have to come?
I didn’t get beat by a girl.
I tried my best to keep my feelings hidden, almost making myself sick in the process, but I always had a smile for Logan. He didn’t suspect that I was holding back, and suppressing everything I felt for him. That wasn’t a healthy thing to do for a hormonal teenage girl. The only person that seemed to notice was Bren.
“Honey, I know there’s something wrong.” She said when I was testing her blood sugar levels. Logan was out of earshot, putting the groceries away.
“I’m ok, Bren.” I lied.
“No, you’re not.” She put her hand on mine. “Everything will work out sweetie. I promise.” She said, smiling at me.
Somehow, hearing her say that made me feel a little better and the look in her eyes as she did, made me want to believe her.
“What will work out?” Logan asked when we left. He’d caught the end of our conversation.
“Um… Finals results.” I replied instantly.
“Is that what’s been bothering you?”
Well, crap. He did notice. He hadn’t said anything.
“Yeah.”
“Chase, it’s going to be fine. God, I thought you were mad at me for something, but I’m glad it’s just that.” He let out a relieved breath.
“What? Why would I be mad at you?” I asked.
Please don’t say it’s because you’re seeing someone! I thought to myself. Even though Matt and Carl would’ve gladly rubbed that in my face. Plus, he would’ve had to meet up with whoever late at night.
“I don’t know, exactly. I just feel like I’ve done something wrong.”
The only thing that was wrong was that I was finding it harder and harder to deal with my feelings for him, and after the way he hugged me… I was constantly on edge.
“If you thought that, why didn’t you say something sooner? I could’ve told you that you hadn’t.” I was a little annoyed that he’d left it for over two weeks to say anything and only because he’d heard what Bren had said.
“I…um…I didn’t want to upset you.” He said, softly.
His eyes widened slightly as if thinking what he said was wrong.
I was about to tell him he hadn’t done anything when he spoke first.
“Anyway, we all usually just come out with it if someone has pissed us off.”
“We?” I asked, but I knew whom he meant.
“Yeah. Us…our group. If one of the guys is pissed, he just says so.”
‘One of the guys’. Straight from Logan’s mouth, it felt like a red hot poker to the chest.
I felt a sting in my nose as tears threatened. I willed them away as hard as I could, and my heart hardened a little more.
“We have our end of school year game this Friday.” Logan reminded me after clearing his throat.
“I know. You also have the game a few days after the homecoming football game, a week after we go back to school.”
“Good memory.” He said, quietly.
I told Logan
I had a headache and was going to rest. He said ok, gave me an awkward smile and drove home. Somehow I knew that the bad feeling I’d been having… this was it. It was happening.
Going into my room, I lay down and thought about everything that had happened between us over the years.
The times he’d come to watch me at gymnastics, the times I’d watch his practices and games. Also, the times when we would hang out together, just the two of us. We wouldn’t go far, usually to each other’s houses, and we never went out to the diner together. If were getting food, it was always delivery, or takeout. I often wondered why that was.
I snorted a laugh as I pictured it was because he didn’t want anyone to think that we were dating. That seemed like the most obvious reason. I should’ve just asked him at the time. Instead, I just let it go; like everything else.
If he ignored me whilst we were with the others, he’d be extra nice. If he said something that pissed me off, he’d be extra nice. If he were later than he said he’d be, he’d be extra nice. They all involved him getting a little closer; a little touch, more smiles.
I threw my pillow across my room in frustration. Why couldn’t I figure out what was going on in his head? He’s a guy! Aren’t they supposed to be simple to decode?
I got up and went into my closet and took out the box that was full of memento’s from the time we became friends.
I opened the box and pulled out a gum wrapper, the first ice-cream tub he ate from, birthday and Christmas cards, and also my ticket stub from the bike race we went to a few weeks ago. I also pulled out my secret photo stash. I’d printed out the selfies we’d taken over the years and the ones I’d taken when Logan wasn’t looking. I sat staring at his beautiful face and his smile, and I thought about what he would think if he saw my keepsakes.