by Solet, Trina
Though she had a good heart, Tyler’s sister didn’t present herself very well either in looks or personality. Fiona had always been thin and when she was younger had suffered through being taller than the boys. Plenty of women made tall and thin work for them, but Fiona was more likely to slouch and hide under big sweaters. She also colored her hair black. Their mother had been horrified when Fiona had first done it at sixteen.
“Your beautiful hair!” Their mother wasn’t naturally blonde and liked the validation of having two blond children.
“Blonds are stupid, Mom,” Fiona had said and looked pointedly at Tyler.
She was going to make an interesting aunt.
Tyler’s mother greeted him at the door with a brief hug then stared at him. She was in real estate and Saturdays were usually busy for her. When he called her, she agreed to set aside some time for him and his big news.
“You’re not gay again, are you?” she asked. That was the last big news he had given her.
“There’s no change on that front,” Tyler told her.
“Are you getting married? To who? Are you even dating anyone?”
“Mom, stop trying to guess. I’m going to tell you.”
Her reaction when she heard about Julie was to say, “I’m a grandmother? Just like that? But I’m not ready.”
“Sorry,” Tyler said. The same could be said about him being a father.
His mother waved away his apology. Then she grew thoughtful.
“That means you had sex with Leslie. When you told me you were gay, I asked you if you were sure. You said you were sure.”
“And I was sure. I just wasn’t as sure in high school,” he explained.
After that they talked about why Leslie didn’t tell him about Julie. His mother was blaming Leslie for that decision one minute, understanding her reason the next. Tyler waited until his mother suddenly demanded that he produce her grandchild immediately. That’s when he called Fiona and told her to bring Julie.
“You’re not allowed to cry,” he warned his mother before he opened the door for Julie and Fiona.
“Did you bring me any ice cream?” Tyler asked Julie.
“No,” she said and looked stricken by her oversight.
“That’s OK,” he told her and then introduced her to his mother.
“I have a real grandmother now,” Julie said.
“Yes, you do, you angel,” Tyler’s mother said, already doting on her. “I know. We’ll make cookies. That’s what grandmother’s do, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, jump right into being a stereotype, Mom,” Fiona said. “Me and little bro are going to have a chat.”
Knowing that Fiona wouldn’t take no for an answer, Tyler left Julie with his mother to bake cookies while Fiona dragged him off to talk.
Fiona obviously didn’t want any interruptions because she dragged Tyler all the way back out onto the street. They sat down in a little coffee shop, and Fiona grilled him about Julie.
“So what’s the plan? You dump her on Mom?” Fiona asked him while stirring sugar into her coffee.
“No. She’s my kid.” It hadn’t even occurred to Tyler to dump her on anyone.
But now Fiona seized on Julie’s paternity again.
“Do you even know that she’s yours? Did you make sure?”
Tyler couldn’t believe she was back on that topic.
“I trust the evidence of my eyes,” Tyler said pointedly.
Fiona glared at him for the pun. Even if it wasn’t for Julie herself as evidence, there was her birth certificate. Tyler knew that Leslie wouldn’t have put down his name as the father if he wasn’t.
“You just don’t want to be like Dad,” Fiona accused him. After the divorce, their father couldn’t be bothered to keep in contact with them. Now they didn’t even know where he was. Tyler wasn’t about to deny that he didn’t want to be like him.
“Damn right. And did you have your eyes closed the whole time you were with Julie?” Tyler asked his sister.
Fiona looked away then at her coffee cup as she answered.
“I looked at her. Mostly she looks like Leslie. I admit there is a slight resemblance between her eyes and yours, which could be a coincidence.”
“Are you crazy?”
She wasn’t crazy, but she was contrary. Now she moved on to berating him on another subject.
“And have you ever heard of condoms?”
“We were using condoms,” Tyler told her though he did not want to discus the subject with her.
“Obviously you weren’t very good at it. With your condom skills, I could have an army of nieces and nephews out there.” Fiona slurped her coffee.
“I have excellent condom skills!” Tyler said. And how many girls did she think he slept with anyway?
“There is evidence to the contrary. I think Julie is your punishment for your misspent youth,” Fiona said.
“She isn’t a punishment. She’s a good kid.”
“Just don’t try to rope me into baby sitting,” Fiona told him.
“I already did. What did you think today was?”
Tyler could tell from her expression that she didn’t really mind.
“She is kind of nice. That’s why I think she isn’t yours,” Fiona grumbled.
Good thing Tyler knew not to ever take her seriously. It was obvious how much she liked Julie.
Tyler and Julie went home with a plate of cookies. They looked kind of misshapen, but Julie was proud of them. She also looked happy that she got to know and spend the day with her aunt and her grandmother. Tyler was just glad that he got it done, two birds in one shot. One of these days he might even track down his father and give him the news. But probably not. The last time they spoke, Tyler was twelve. His father hadn’t called him or Fiona in almost a year. Fiona had written him off. Their mother was hinting that they shouldn’t expect too much from him because he was so busy. Tyler had dialed his number to give him one last chance. Talking to him had been like talking to a stranger.
“Are you even our dad any more?” Tyler had asked him.
“Sure. Of course,” his father said. He sounded distracted.
“You’ll have to prove that,” Tyler told him and hung up.
After that, he didn’t expect much, but he did expect to receive a phone call at some point. It took him a long time to stop waiting.
As he and Julie went up to his apartment in the elevator, Tyler looked over at Julie and saw the faint smile she wore on her face. He was going to be a good dad to her even if it killed him.
Chapter 6
Sunday morning, Tyler ordered in a waffle breakfast for him and Julie. That kept them busy for a while. A little later, Tyler saw Julie was looking out the window. Her nose was pressed against the glass, smudging it.
“What’s that?” she asked pointing at a green glass fronted building that was gleaming with reflected sunlight.
“A building,” Tyler said not sure if it was an apartment building or an office building.
“Can we go there?”
“Are you bored?” Tyler asked her. Since the answer was obvious, he said, “Let’s go somewhere.”
“With Jo?” Julie asked hopefully.
“What do you mean with Jo?” Tyler said, offended that he wasn’t good enough company by himself.
She made a face at him.
“We’ll get Jake. How’s that?” Tyler offered since Jo sometimes got on his nerves.
“He’s good too.”
“Aren’t I good?” Tyler said, fishing.
“Yes, I like you too,” she said and hugged him.
Tyler looked at her.
“Was that a pity hug?”
She didn’t know what that was so Tyler dropped it.
Jake met them a few blocks away from his place, looking a little the worse for wear. He had gone out Saturday night, without Tyler this time. His pronouncement on the night was, “It sucked.”
Tyler chose to interpret that to mean that he was missed. He wanted Jak
e to have a good time without him, in theory. But in reality, he wanted Jake to stay by his side.
First they took Jake to load up on some strong coffee so he could perk up. Julie was very solicitous toward him. Then they went window-shopping. Several times both Jake and Tyler offered to buy Julie things that interested her. Each time she thought it over then said, “No. We might find something better.” Tyler wondered if she thought she could only have one thing. He started to tell her that he could buy her lots of things, but behind her back Jake shook his head at him.
“Here’s the deal,” Jake told her, crouching down so he was closer to her eye level. “Your dad and I will each buy you one thing. That means you can have two things. OK?”
Tyler stared at Jake trying to convey to him the message that he did not get to make the rules. But when Julie looked up at Tyler to confirm Jake’s new rule, he said, “That’s right.”
Jake did not look contrite for overstepping. In fact he whispered to Tyler, “You were about to walk into a minefield. I just saved your ass.”
A little later, as they stood in front of a shoe store display, it looked like Julie might actually pick something. But first she asked, “Are shoes one thing or two things?”
“Shoes are one thing,” Tyler told her. He did it just in time. Jake had opened his mouth as if he was going to give a different answer.
“I knew that. I was just making sure,” Julie said. She pointed at a pair of pink and purple striped sneakers. Once again, Tyler put aside his own taste. He might even have to get rid of it permanently. They came out of the store with Julie wearing her new sneakers and constantly looking down at them as she walked.
When they came across a puddle on the sidewalk, it was no problem. Jake and Tyler were already each holding Julie by the hand so people wouldn’t walk between them. On Tyler’s signal, they raised their arms and lifted her up into the air and right over the puddle. She giggled excitedly and made them do it again.
There was a playground nearby that Tyler had never noticed before. It was across from the deli where they got their lunch. Sandwiches in hand, they circled to the playground entrance. There were already some children there. Julie ate fast so she could join them. Tyler and Jake let Julie play and ruin her new shoes while they supervised. The two of them leaned against the fence since the benches were all taken up by other parents.
“So what went wrong last night?” Tyler asked Jake.
“I was off balance, I guess.” Then he turned to lean sideways and look at Tyler as he talked. “You know how you have to recalibrate now that you’re a dad? I think I have to do that too. I’m going to be out there without my wingman...”
“I’m not you wingman. You’re my wingman,” Tyler objected. At least he didn’t say sidekick.
“Anyway. It’s different now. I used to be a mixed drink. Now I have to drink it straight.”
Tyler wanted to object to that too, but decided to let Jake have his booze analogy. And of course, he took this as a compliment. Tyler might not be indispensable, but it was good to know that his absence could ruin Jake’s night. He tried not to look smug about it.
That evening, while he was cleaning up after dinner, and Julie was munching on the last of the cookies she had made with her grandmother, Tyler mulled over a familiar feeling. Once he had put off telling anyone he was gay. Now he was doing it again. Just like then, he delayed out of fear, mostly fear of rejection. Though he was worried that it was too soon, he decided not to put it off any longer. He sat down next to Julie at the kitchen counter.
To start things off he said to her, “I want to ask you something. What did your grandfather tell you about me?”
“He didn’t like you,” Julie stated simply.
“So you knew about me? That I was your dad?”
“Kind of. When I asked Mommy if I had a dad, she said I did, and that you were a good guy, but you couldn’t be with us. But we were OK on our own. She said, ‘He has his own life.’”
It hurt Tyler to hear that, but he didn’t let it show. Did Leslie really think he had no room in his life for Julie?
“And what did you grandfather say?” Tyler asked to get back to the subject.
“Granpa told me you weren’t any good, and that you were far away. But you aren’t,” she said looking at Tyler.
He tried to explain.
“I didn’t know about you. No one told me.”
“Silvia said I was going to be a surprise. Was I a good surprise?” Julie asked.
“The best,” Tyler told her, but he wanted to get to the heart of the problem. “So why didn’t your grandfather like me?
“He said you can’t be a good dad to me because you are gay, and he said that was bad.”
“Do you think it’s bad?” Tyler asked and held his breath. He could feel his chest constricting.
“No. If a boy is cute, why shouldn’t another boy like him?” she said reasonably.
“Exactly,” Tyler agreed.
“My friend Kim, she’s ten so she knows lots of stuff, she said that boys can like each other, and girls can like each other too. So it can be two boys, or two girls, or a boy and a girl.”
“That’s right.”
“And even if people are old, they can like each other like Grandpa and Silvia. And Silvia’s mom has a boyfriend too.”
“I see. So you don’t mind that I’m gay?”
“No. It’s OK. Do you have a boyfriend? Is Jo your boyfriend?” she asked, speaking fast.
“No. I don’t have one.”
“What about Jake. Do you like him? He could be your boyfriend.” She certainly was eager to pair him up.
“I like Jake, but he’s not boyfriend material,” Tyler told her. Then he thought “But neither am I.” That didn’t matter now. Sitting there with Julie, eating those funny looking cookies, Tyler felt so happy and relieved.
Just after getting into bed that night, Tyler called Jake to talk to him and to brag about what a great kid he had. But Jake latched on to how Julie’s grandfather tried to poison her mind.
“I can’t believe he tried to turn her against you,” Jake said. Tyler could hear him gritting his teeth.
Now that he knew that Julie proved impervious to her grandfather’s influence, Tyler could make light of it.
“He tried, he failed.”
“That old bastard. He’s lucky he is dead.” And there was that famous temper on display.
“Just keep that to yourself around Julie,” Tyler warned him.
Jake agreed to do that but only grudgingly.
“She is one cool kid,” Jake said.
“Of course she is.”
“Don’t take credit for that, Ty.”
“Fruit of my loins.” Then he remembered. “She tried to set me up with you and Jo.”
“A threesome. She is open-minded,” Jake said.
“Separately. And Jo was her first choice.”
“Don’t lie,” Jake said, dismissing that preposterous notion.
But then Tyler got serious and Jake noticed it right away, like he understood Tyler’s silences.
“You still worried?” he asked Tyler.
“I can’t stop wondering about Leslie. If she hated me.”
“I doubt you were her favorite person,” Jake said bluntly.
“I did lie to her. And myself. She obviously held it against me.”
“It must have hurt her feelings, her pride.”
“What about later?” Tyler asked. He wondered how long those hurt feelings lasted.
“Later, she had her life. You had yours,” Jake said surprising Tyler with that echo of Leslie’s own words.
“That’s kind of what she told Julie.”
Then Jake had some words of wisdom of his own.
“You can’t go back and relive your life with Julie in it.”
“I know. That’s why I feel sorry for Leslie, and I envy her at the same time,” Tyler said trying to explain his mixed up feelings.
“Then it should just
about even out. Let the past go and be a good dad now.”
With those words in his ears, Tyler said goodnight and hung up. So many times he had gone to sleep with Jake’s voice as the last thing he heard.
It was almost like having Jake wrapped around him, like that first time with only Jake’s boxers between them. Jake had murmured in his ears telling him how good he was and how good he smelled and tasted. His voice seemed to wind down until nothing was heard, and there was only the brush of his lips against Tyler’s shoulder.
Chapter 7
It was Monday and back to school for Julie. Again she was more on the ball than Tyler. On the drive to school, Tyler had Julie tell him about her teachers and her friends. There was plenty of time for it. Julie’s school was kind of far. Even though the school year had just started, Tyler wasn’t going to make her change schools for his convenience.
Back at his apartment building, Tyler had the bad luck of almost running into the annoying, elderly Mrs. Neiman in the hall. He braced himself for her latest complaint if she spotted him first. But he was pretty close to his door. He might even be able to duck inside before she could start in on him. Nearly safe, he thought better of it and stopped to speak to her deliberately. He told her that his daughter was living with him now. She blinked a few times behind her glasses as she tried to add this new information to her image of Tyler, the irresponsible, noisy neighbor. When he asked her to recommend a babysitter, she volunteered herself.
“I live right down the hall. It would be very convenient.” She was surprisingly eager for babysitting work. Tyler was pretty sure she didn’t need the money considering how much it cost to live in that building. He guessed that she might be lonely and looking for ways to occupy herself. Maybe that’s why she had been so ready to complain to Tyler about every little thing. Since she was so close and so willing, Tyler agreed. He invited her to come by that evening to meet Julie. If she was available that night, he was thinking of taking advantage of her services and going out to retest his ability to have fun.