by Vi Keeland
“I’m glad you said old and he…considering how you just treated this attorney when you waltzed into her office.”
Gray lifted me from his lap and settled my ass back on my chair. He kissed my lips. “I’m seeing Ella tomorrow afternoon. Picking her up at noon and taking her out for the first time alone. I’d love you to come with me?”
“I don’t know, Gray. Maybe you should do that on your own if it’s the first time.”
He searched my eyes. “I want you to get to know her.”
“I’m…I will. I’m just…not yet.”
He nodded and forced a smile, but I knew I’d hurt him. “Okay. Dinner tomorrow night, then?”
“Sounds good.”
***
Guilt had kept me tossing and turning all night. Saturday morning I’d gotten up extra early to work from home, but I couldn’t concentrate. The memory of Gray’s smile when he’d asked me to spend the afternoon with his daughter—and the way I’d made it fall when I told him I wasn’t ready for that—was haunting me.
I tossed the pen on the dining room table and sat back in my chair. It’s an afternoon with a little girl? I spent time with Quinn’s daughter, Harper, all the time. Why was I making such a big deal out of it?
Because I never wondered if Quinn was going to be in my life forever, that’s why. Growing up the way I did, I’d learned that kids need consistency. Popping in and out of their lives sends a message that you can’t undo with words—you aren’t my priority. So I hesitated to take that step now.
But what if I took a child out of the picture? I was crazy about Gray in a way that I’d never experienced with a man. Something inside of me just knew what we had was something special—and that scared the living crap out of me. So, was it Gray who was moving too fast? Was it getting to know Ella and both of us growing attached? Or was I just avoiding jumping in with both feet, even though I had no doubts about the way I felt, because I was afraid to get hurt again?
Damn it.
I’m such an idiot.
I picked up my phone to call Gray and realized it was already eleven thirty.
While it rang, I ran into my bedroom and stole a glance in the mirror.
Pretty scary.
He answered as I pulled the tie from my hair with my cell cradled between my shoulder and ear.
“Hey, beautiful.” He sounded genuinely happy to hear my voice. It confirmed I’d finally made the right decision.
“Are you on your way to Ella’s?”
“I am.”
“If the invitation is still open, I’d like to come.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“Well, I’d love that. We just crossed the bridge to Brooklyn, but I can turn around.”
“No, that’s okay.” I hopped on one foot while taking off my sweatpants. “I’ll meet you there. It’ll be quicker. I’ll just grab a cab. I don’t want you to be late.”
“We can turn around and get you. It won’t make me that late.”
“No, Ella is expecting you. Text me the address. I’ll meet you there as quick as I can.”
He laughed. “Okay, crazy girl. Whatever you say.”
***
My cab pulled up in front of Max’s house at eight minutes after twelve. Gray exited his usual town car as I jumped out. I must’ve looked frantic.
“I’m sorry I’m late.”
“Don’t be.” He cupped my cheeks. “I’m just glad you decided to come.”
I exhaled and held his wrists. “Me too.”
He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my lips. “It means a lot to me.”
I knew it did. “We’re late.”
“Max kept me waiting around for three full years. I think she can handle a few minutes delay.”
I smiled. “That’s true.”
Gray held out his hand to me, and I put mine in his to walk to the door. “This is a really nice neighborhood. I love old brownstones.”
“She bought it with the money she stole from me.”
“Shit. That sucks. Sorry.”
Gray rang the bell, and a minute later, Max opened the door. Her smile faded as soon as she saw he wasn’t alone. I wasn’t sure what she had against me, but clearly she wasn’t happy I’d come along.
“I didn’t realize you’d be bringing someone for your visit with Ella.”
“Not someone,” he said with a stern tone. “Layla. I’m sure you remember her from when you sandbagged her in her office.”
Max forced a smile and pulled her cardigan sweater closed. “Come on in. Ella is washing up.”
Luckily, we didn’t have to stand around and make nice. Ella came flying down the hall wearing an enormous smile. “Gray!”
She stopped in front of him and signed something.
Her excitement must’ve been contagious—I found myself smiling as wide as she was, even though I had no idea what the heck was going on.
Gray shocked me by signing something back. His performance earned a clap and squeal from Ella. “You ’membered!”
Her mother corrected her. “It’s remembered, Ella.”
Gray turned to me. “It’s Saturday.” He pulled on the material of his pale green polo and then began to sign. “Saturday. Sage.”
It hit me that the two of them were wearing the same shade of sage green. Ella had on a light green T-shirt.
I wrinkled my brow with a curious smile. “I didn’t realize the days of the week were color-coded.”
Ella tugged at Gray’s shirt and asked him to help her get her new stroller from the closet, which left me standing alone with Max.
She didn’t even pretend to smile. Instead, she started right in. “It’ll be a lot to handle soon, stepping into the shoes of a dead woman whose child is devastated.”
My mouth opened and stayed that way. I’d been expecting her to be a bitch, but Jesus…really? What the hell did I say to that? I stayed quiet because she’d rendered me speechless, not out of respect to her.
She figured she’d continue since I was, apparently, all ears. “She needs to bond with her father. Don’t interrupt that to play house. If you’re not going to be a mother to her, let them be. A loss from a breakup is no less than a loss from a death to a child. You’ll devastate her when you decide to walk away.”
Gray and Ella walked back, smiling. He took one look at me, and his smile faded. “Everything okay?”
Max answered. “We were just discussing my prognosis.”
Gray’s face turned solemn, and he nodded like he understood. “Oh.” He rubbed my arm. “You ready to go, babe?”
I nodded.
Outside, I stood back and watched as Gray strapped Ella into a car seat in the back of the car and loaded the pink stroller into the trunk. When the three of us were alone in the backseat, Ella said something I didn’t hear, and Gray threw his head back in laughter. The two of them had definitely connected on some level already. Suddenly I felt like a third wheel and thought maybe it hadn’t been such a great idea to come.
I’d been lost in thought and heard Gray’s voice, yet the words he’d said were out of reach.
He squeezed my hand. “You okay? You seem like you’re somewhere else.”
I looked out the window and noticed we were already going back over the bridge to Manhattan. The first ten minutes of the drive were gone. “Yeah. I’m fine. Sorry. Where are we going, anyway?”
“I thought we’d get out at 72nd Street and walk over to Conservatory Water.”
“That’s the place where they race the model—”
Gray shushed me and winked. “It’s a surprise for her.”
I smiled. “I guess I need to get used to spelling things.”
Ella had been swinging her legs and looking out the window as we crossed the bridge. But she heard the word spell.
“I can spell my name!” She signed as she called out the letters. “E-L-L-A.”
Gray beamed. “I’m not sure learning Hindu to converse in private would matter.
She’d pick it up faster than we could. Smart as a whip.”
Ella pointed to her head. “Daddy gave me my brain.”
My eyes grew wide. Gray lowered his voice and whispered to me. “It’s not what you think. I’ll explain later.”
Traffic was light, so we breezed over to the park. Again I watched the interaction between Gray and Ella, fascinated by how at ease he seemed to be with his little girl already. Once he unloaded the pink stroller with pedals from the car and strapped Ella in, he told Al to meet us back at this spot in two hours.
Ella watched everything going on around us as we walked toward the water, which gave Gray and me a chance to talk.
“She’s obsessed with the E.B White Stuart Little book and movie,” he said. “Her mother mentioned some of her favorite things in the letter she wrote me. So I watched it the other night to have something to talk to her about, and I realized that a big part of the movie takes place in this park at the Conservatory Water—the place where everyone sails the remote-control sailboats. Max said she’s never been here, so I thought she might recognize it from the story.”
I smiled. “That’s really sweet. I bet she’s going to love it.”
No sooner than the words left my mouth, Ella validated my thought. She shrieked and pointed toward the lake filled with boats as it came into view when we turned the corner.
“Stuart, Stuart!” she yelled.
It reminded me of the kind of thing my dad would have done when I was growing up—on days he was my dad and not someone else’s.
For the next hour, Ella stayed glued to her seat, watching the hundreds of motorized sailboats floating around. Even though Gray had been clear that Stuart Little wasn’t really on any of them, I was pretty sure she was checking for herself. At one point, she climbed onto Gray’s lap and made herself comfortable. The look on his face was priceless. Happiness radiated from him.
After we had lunch, Gray suggested we get some ice cream, so we all walked over to a stand and then sat on the park bench.
Ella licked her cone and turned to speak to me. “Did you know my mom has cancer?”
I coughed my ice cream down the wrong pipe.
Gray made sure I was okay and then took over the conversation.
“Yes. We know about that.”
Ella licked her ice cream and pondered for a while. “She’s going to die.”
This time it was Gray who choked. I walked to the ice cream cart and grabbed us three bottles of water. Gray chugged half a bottle, and his voice still croaked when he spoke. “That happens sometimes when people are sick, sweetheart. Unfortunately.”
“Are you going to die?”
God, this is the most bizarre conversation. And I was glad as hell that Gray had jumped in to tackle it.
“Not for a very long time, I hope.” Gray pulled her ponytail. “I haven’t even gotten all of my colors for each day of the week down yet. So I hope I have a long time to go.”
She laughed and went back to her ice cream. To Ella, the conversation could have been about the weather. Yet Gray looked like he needed a drink, and I thought I needed more than one.
***
The sun had started to set as we pulled onto the side streets that led to Ella’s house. She’d fallen asleep in the car, and I’d rested my head on Gray’s shoulder and closed my own eyes. The entire day had been pretty surreal. As terrified as I’d been before coming today, watching Gray with his daughter—getting to spend time with the two of them—had actually alleviated some of my concerns.
In my mind, I could see the three of us together. While that still terrified me, I could visualize moving past it as time went on. That was all I needed—to get on a path that could get me there.
“You look tired.” Gray brushed hair from my face as we pulled to the curb in front of Max and Ella’s brownstone.
“What gave you that idea? The fact that my arms are limp by my sides, and I drooled on your shoulder on the way here?”
Gray side-glanced at Ella, who was still sound asleep. “Why don’t you stay in the car and relax while I carry her in.” He leaned closer so our lips were touching, and I could feel them move while he spoke. “You’re going to need your energy for when I get you home.”
Chapter 31
* * *
Gray
I took my time walking to the door.
Ella’s sweet little breaths blew on my cheek with each exhale as her head rested on my shoulder. A few weeks ago, I never would’ve thought this would be my life. If anyone had told me I’d be stalling before I rang the bell to return my daughter to her dying mother, I’d have told them they were fucking nuts.
And the nuts part wouldn’t have been that I had a daughter; it would have been that I could fall so hard and so fast for a child I hadn’t even known existed not too long ago.
But Ella was special. Smart, funny, with a zest for life that I’d forgotten existed, not to mention—I looked over at her sleeping face—adorable, even when she was drooling on my shirt. I was still terrified, and a part of me couldn’t yet fully comprehend the enormity of what would be happening sometime in the near future, but I wanted it. I wanted to take care of this little girl, protect her from all the evils in the world, and be a father who was there for her. They say children learn from watching their parents, not by what parents say in words. Well, the same holds true for children who didn’t have the best role models. I’d learned from my father what not to do.
I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. If I’d found out I was having a child three years ago, when my work was the most important thing in my life, I might’ve followed in dear old Dad’s footsteps, letting everyone else raise my kid and focusing on money and power. But the years of nothing to do but think had given me direction. Ella’s needs would come first…no matter what. So would Layla’s.
I rang the bell and waited to return my sleeping beauty. After a few minutes, I rang it a second time. Still no response, so I began to dig into my pocket for my phone when the door finally opened. Max looked like shit compared to this morning. And this morning she’d looked pretty damn awful.
“What’s going on? You okay?”
She had a blanket wrapped around her. “Yeah. I’m just cold. I fell asleep on the couch.”
I squinted. “It’s eighty-something degrees out. Do you have the air on too high?”
“No. It’s a side effect from some of my medicines. Cold and sleepy.”
I reached out and felt her head. She wasn’t warm.
Max attempted a smile, but it looked like she didn’t have the energy. She stepped aside for me to come in. “How long has she been sleeping?”
“Maybe a half hour. She conked out on the drive home.”
“Would you mind putting her in her room?”
“Sure.”
I walked my princess to her room and laid her down on the bed. She stirred, but rolled on her side and never opened her eyes. Tucking her in, I kissed her forehead before backing out of her room, trying not to make a sound.
Giving a shit about Max’s well being caused me to have mixed emotions. I wanted to walk right past where she sat in the living room—giving the same fucks she’d given about me as I’d rotted in prison for three years. But I was human. Not to mention, she took care of my daughter. So I needed to make sure she was capable of doing that.
“You going to be okay?” I stood in the archway between the hall and living room.
Before she could answer, a teakettle whistled.
“I don’t want that to wake up Ella.” She stood and walked into the kitchen.
I followed. “Do you have anyone who helps you? Checks in on you?”
She took the kettle from the heat and moved it to a different burner. “I don’t have many bridges that I haven’t burned. I have Paula, who works for me. She takes care of Ella while I work.”
I knew Max was an only child like me; she and her mother weren’t close. As far as I remembered, she had an aunt in Connecticut
she got along with pretty well. What was her name? Betty, Betsy… Her last name was Potter, and I remembered it was close to those children’s books about rabbits. Beatrix. That’s it. “What about Beatrice?”
“She died last year. Stroke.” Max opened a cabinet and reached up for a mug. “Would you like some tea?”
“I’m sorry to hear that. No tea. Thanks.”
She poured a mug full of hot water and dipped a tea bag in. Turning around she said, “I’ll be fine. I can handle her still, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“I can take her for the night if it’s too much.”
“No.” She shook her head and looked down. “I’ll know when it’s too much. I won’t put her at risk, even though I do want to spend as much time as I can with her.”
I nodded.
Max let out a big sigh. “I need to say something you might not like.”
What exactly did she think had come out of her mouth in recent years that I did like? The lies, the manipulation? I bit my tongue.
“What’s on your mind, Max?”
“I’m concerned about Layla.”
“What about her?” I snapped.
“Ella is going to lose her mother. That’s going to devastate her. But there’s nothing either one of us can do about that.”
“Understood. But what’s that got to do with Layla?”
“Ella will grow attached to her. She’ll seek out another woman. It’s natural. She will want a mother figure.”
I clenched my jaw. “And?”
“And when Layla walks away, it will be no different than a death in Ella’s mind—another loss when she’s already so vulnerable.”
“You sound pretty fucking sure she’s walking away.”
“You’re a hard man to walk away from, Gray. But she’s not ready for a family yet.”
“You spent, what, a half hour in her office a few weeks ago? Pretending to be a client when you really just wanted to stick your fucking nose into my business? And you know all this about her?”