by Vi Keeland
I made the driver stick around until the light turned on, and then I did something I never dreamed I’d be doing.
I took my daughter home to sleep in my ex-wife’s house that she’d bought with money she stole from me.
***
“Can I help you?” I’d run to the front door without a shirt on when the bell rang, not wanting it to wake Ella. Actually, terrified that it would. Whatever. Semantics.
“I’m Paula.”
“Can I help you, Paula?”
“I take care of Ella.”
I’d completely forgotten that Max said she had a nanny for the mornings when she worked.
“Nice to meet you. I’m Gray.”
Paula’s face dropped. “Oh. Is everything okay with Max?”
“Why don’t you come in?”
I grabbed my T-shirt from the living room and threw it on, then spent ten minutes bringing Paula up to speed on Max’s current health. Apparently, Max had filled Paula in on the situation with me already. She knew I was Ella’s father and that Max had kept it from me. I wasn’t sure how much further Max had gone into our history.
“So you watch Ella in the mornings? Even now that Max isn’t working anymore?”
“I was watching her from seven until noon, but Max asked me to start staying until five last week. Afternoons get tough for her now.”
I nodded. “Can you keep that schedule for me? I think it would do Ella a lot of good to have as much of her routine unchanged as possible while Max is in the hospital. That’s why I stayed here last night with her.”
“Of course. Max and I have already talked about me staying on…after…” Her face fell, and then she thought of something that sent the corners of her lips toward a smile. “I’ve been with Ella and Max since Ella was born. She jokes that I’ll be left to you in her will.”
It was a giant damn relief to know I had some help—at least until I figured things out. When Ella woke up and raced into Paula’s arms, my neck unknotted for the first time in two days.
I rubbed the back of it and watched the two of them interact. It took a minute or two for Ella to even notice someone else was in the room. She crinkled up her little nose at me, but smiled. “Did you have a sleepover?”
“We did.” I tapped a finger to her nose. “But you fell asleep for it.”
She giggled. “Is Mommy still in the hospital?”
“She is, sweetheart.”
“Is she getting fixed?”
My eyes flashed to Paula. “Yeah. She’s getting fixed.”
“Are you going to stay with me until Mommy comes home?”
“I was planning on it. I thought maybe you could come stay at my house one night.” I leaned forward and whispered in her ear. “I have a dog.”
Her eyes widened. “Can we go now? Can we go now? Please?”
“I need to do a few things. But we can go later. How does that sound?”
Paula took Ella into the kitchen to help her make breakfast, and I used the time to rearrange some meetings I had scheduled for the day. When I went to check on how things were going, Paula offered me coffee.
The two of us spoke quietly on the side while Ella was busy stirring the pancake batter.
“Max has had a few overnight stays in the last year. She doesn’t usually let Ella visit her. She thought it was too hard to see her with all the needles and monitors attached. Of course, I’m not telling you what to do. But I figured you might want to know what Ella expects.”
“Wow. Okay. That’s great. Thank you. She took it pretty hard at the hospital last night. I assumed I should bring her up to visit today. But I was worried it would be tough again for her. Max is intubated.” I looked over at Ella and sipped my coffee. “She seems a lot better this morning, but I’m probably better off not bringing her then.”
“I’m here all day. You can just go about your regular day, if you’d like. If you stop up to see Max, please give her my best.”
Breakfast with Paula and Ella set my mind even more at ease. They had a routine that included Ella standing on a stool and rinsing the plates. I could tell she was crazy about Paula. When the appointment I’d called earlier to cancel called me back, I decided to push it a little later in the afternoon rather than cancel it all together. Ella had her schedule, and I was going to need to learn how to balance shit at some point anyway. Plus, the hospital was near the appointment, so I could check on things with Max beforehand.
***
That night, I poured a glass of scotch and leaned back into the couch. Ella had finally fallen asleep, and I was wiped out. Single parenting was definitely not an easy fucking job.
I’d had two meetings today, stopped into my office to do a few hours of paperwork, visited Max and talked to her doctors, gone back to Brooklyn to pack up Ella’s stuff and bring her to my place, then cooked us some dinner and played with her and Freckles until she started yawning.
At that point, my dog and his trusty shoe had abandoned me. I couldn’t get him to leave the foot of the bed in the guest room where Ella was staying. Couldn’t blame him, I guess. Lately he’d spent more time with the kid downstairs I’d hired to walk him than he spent with me. Plus, Ella was a hell of a lot more excited to roll around on the floor and let him lick her face than I felt by eight thirty.
I took a few gulps from my glass and picked up my cell. Layla and I had exchanged a few texts during the day, but I needed to hear her voice.
She answered on the third ring. “Hey. Can you give me just a second? I have someone in my office.”
I looked at my watch. Nine o’clock. “You’re still at work?”
“Yep. Give me a minute. I’ll be right back.”
I heard voices through the muffled receiver, and right before she came back on the line, she must’ve uncovered it, because I heard a woman’s voice say, “If you change your mind, you know where we’ll be.”
“Thanks, Maryanne.”
She came back on the line. “Sorry. Some of the associates are going out for drinks, and a friend of mine was trying to drag me along.”
It reminded me yet again how different her life would be with me now. Even though I hated the thought of her beautiful ass sitting without me in a bar, I couldn’t be a dick.
“Why don’t you go? Whatever you haven’t gotten done at the office by now can wait until tomorrow.”
She sighed. “I suppose. But I’m tired, too. I was actually looking forward to going home and taking a bath. I didn’t sleep so well when I got home last night, so I came into the office at the crack of dawn to catch up.”
Another thing that was my fault. The life of a single parent was basically non-existent. Someone dating that person didn’t get the wining and dining they deserved. And that was best-case scenario.
“Sorry,” I said. “How was your day otherwise?”
“Not bad. How’s everything going over there? Did Ella like Freckles?”
I closed my eyes, rested my head back against the couch, and propped my feet up on the coffee table. “The traitor is sleeping at the foot of her bed right now.”
“Well, I’m sure she’s more fun than you for him anyway, old man.”
“Go easy on the old man. I’m only a few years older than you.”
“Do you have your feet up on the coffee table and a drink in your hand at nine o’clock on a weeknight right now?”
I smiled. “Wise ass.”
Toward the end of our call, I said, “I miss you. It’s a fucked-up situation I’m in right now. I’m sorry I’m not able to take you to a nice dinner after work. Or sit behind you in the bath after a long day. You have no idea what I’d give for that.”
Layla was quiet. “I know. I understand. You have to do what you need to do, Gray. You have a little girl now. When you love someone, you put their needs first, before your own. That’s just how it is. Looking back, I think that’s why I never forgave my dad when I got older. He didn’t put what was best for us first, what was best for my mother. He put himself first
. And I never got past that. You’re going to be a great dad. I already know it.”
After I hung up, I finished my drink and stared up at the ceiling for a long time. Layla was right. When you love someone, you put their needs first. It was cliché as fuck, but sometimes that meant letting them go. I think I’d known for a while what I needed to do; I just didn’t want to admit it.
Admitting it meant I’d have to act on it. And acting on it was going to fucking kill me. But what else did I need thrown in my face to tell me I’d be doing the right thing?
The list I’d found—
Never wanted children.
I’ll never be his priority.
Max’s comments—
“She’s not ready for a family yet.”
“You see what you want to see in women, Gray.”
Layla’s own words—
“When you love someone, you put their needs first, before your own.”
“That’s why I never forgave my dad…”
Chapter 33
* * *
Gray
I stood in front of Layla’s building and stared up at her bedroom window. The light was on, and I’d seen her shadow pass by a little while ago, so I knew she was home. I just didn’t have the balls to go in yet.
Layla had no idea I was coming. I’d spent the last forty-eight hours thinking of what I would say to her. If I told her I’d read her list and wanted to put her needs first, it would only make her feel bad. I knew her—she’d feel guilty that she wasn’t there to support me when I needed her. It was just the type of woman she was.
And I wasn’t strong enough to fight her if she said she wanted to stick it out. Because I wanted nothing more in this world than to fight tooth and nail for us.
So, I decided to absolve her of any guilt and let her think it’s what I really wanted. It would break my vow never to lie to her again, but she’d already wasted enough time on me—more than a year of Saturday trips, not moving on for a long time after she’d stopped visiting, and then the last few months. It wouldn’t be fair to keep her any more. Quick and over—that’s what it had to be. She’ll probably be pissed. But it’s easier to move on when you’re angry than when you have guilt over wanting different things than someone you care about.
I took a last look up at the window, tucked my own heart away, and headed for the door. I rang the buzzer and started to sweat, waiting for her to answer.
“Hello?”
“Hey. It’s me. Sorry I didn’t call first.”
“Hey. That’s okay. Come on up.” The door buzzed, and the deadbolt unlocked.
I thought about changing my mind ten fucking times on the short elevator ride up. And then I hesitated before I stepped off.
Layla was waiting at the door to her apartment as I stepped off. “This is a nice surprise,” she said.
Say that again in ten minutes.
I found it difficult to speak and had to cough to clear my throat. “I need to talk to you.”
Her face turned to concern. “Is everything okay? Did Max…”
I shook my head. “No. Nothing like that.”
She hesitated before opening the door and stepping aside. Normally, I’d grab her the minute I got close, wrap her in my arms, and plant my lips on hers. As much as I wanted that one last time, it would only make it worse.
“Is Ella okay? Where is she?”
“She’s fine. Sleeping. I asked Paula to work a few hours tonight instead of today so I could stop over.”
Layla wrapped her arms around my neck. “So this is a booty call then?”
Fuck. I wanted her booty, all right. My damn body reacted the minute she touched me. How the fuck was I going to get the words out when everything in me wanted her? I looked down.
Don’t be a pussy, Gray.
Get it done. Over with.
Put your wagging tongue away. They’ll be plenty of time to lick shit at home—like your wounds.
I took a deep breath, swallowed, and looked up into her eyes. God, she was gorgeous. So beautiful and full of everything that was good.
She pressed her breasts against me. I could feel her hard nipples through our shirts. “Cat got your tongue?”
I even fucking loved her sarcasm.
I put my hands on her arms and lifted them off of me. The look on her face was as if I’d physically slapped her. She took a cautious step back and folded her arms across her chest in a self-protective stance.
“What’s going on, Gray?”
“I have a lot on my plate right now.”
“I know you do.” Her voice had a touch of anger in it. She was always two steps ahead of her clients and knew how to read a situation better than anyone I’d ever met. The rest of the conversation we were about to have was a formality. She knew what was coming.
“Between the new business, dealing with Max, connecting with Ella—it’s just too much.”
“Well, it’s not like you can do anything about any of those. This is what you were dealt. You’ll deal with it.”
I looked away. “Yeah. I will. And that’s my point. I have a lot I need to take care of. So I won’t have much extra time. I had to shuffle around my day and work things out with the babysitter just to find the time to get here tonight.”
Her arms at her chest unfolded, and her hands went to her hips. Layla was pissed. “Spit it out, Gray.”
“I don’t have time for anything else. I need to end things between us.”
“My father had time for a wife and daughter and a side piece and bastard child. When you want something bad enough, you make time for it.”
Like a coward, I looked down. “I’m sorry.”
She wasn’t going to let me off that easy. “Look at me.”
I raised my head, but left my eyes closed for a few seconds before opening them.
“You don’t even want to try? I get that we won’t have much time for now. But things will settle down eventually.”
Her voice cracked a miniscule amount, but I caught it. Not thinking, I reached out to comfort her. She stepped back.
“Answer me.”
I looked her in the eyes and broke both our hearts. “No. I don’t even want to try.”
She looked back and forth between my eyes, searching for something. Then she walked to the door and opened it. “Get out.”
I walked toward the door and stopped in front of her. “Layla…I’m—”
She cut me off and pointed toward the hall. “Just get the hell out!”
The hardest steps I’ve ever had to take were walking out of her place. She’d given me a second chance when I hadn’t deserved it. There was no way I was ever getting a third. This was it.
My legs felt like lead taking the last few steps. I turned around for one last look at her, but I didn’t get a chance. She slammed the door in my face.
***
If anyone could cheer me up, it was my old bunkmate, Rip. It was the only thing I’d looked forward to since I’d walked out of Layla’s apartment four nights ago.
Paula had Ella. Max no longer had the tube down her throat and had improved so much the doctors were talking about releasing her in a few days, and Rip was about to be a free man. What more could I ask for today?
Layla, that’s what.
The guards greeted me like I was an old friend, instead of a former prisoner.
“Look at you, Pretty Boy.” Officer Kirkland whistled. “What’s that suit cost? More than I make in a month, I bet.”
“Pipe down, Kirkland.” I smiled. “You’re just jealous because I’ve been released. How much time you got left? Twenty, twenty-five years until you can retire?”
He shook his head. “Don’t remind me.”
“How’s Rip? He excited for today?”
“Must be. Heard he stayed awake for the entire morning news.”
From behind Kirkland, a door opened and O’Halloran, another decent guard, escorted Rip down the long hall.
O’Halloran raised his chin to me. “You keep
ing out of trouble, Westbrook?”
“I haven’t murdered my ex-wife yet. If I can manage that shit, I can keep outta this place.”
He smiled. “Take care of yourself. And Rip here, too.”
Rip shook hands with both guards and then opened his arms wide, with the hugest smile on his face. The moment was more emotional than any I’d had with my own father. We hugged it out with a lot of backslapping.
“How’s it going, old man?” I asked him. “Miss me?”
“Sure did. Guy that took your bunk snored like a banshee and is a damn slob.”
My smile felt good. “Not sure you get to complain about anyone’s sleeping habits there, Van Winkle.” I nodded toward the door. “Let’s get the hell out of here before they decide to keep one of us.”
***
Rip had me make three stops in the first hour of our drive back to the city. The first time he wanted McDonald’s for lunch, the second time he needed to use the bathroom, and the third time he wanted to hit Walmart to pick up a cell phone. I took him to a Verizon store instead.
While he perused the flip phones, I grabbed a salesperson and told him to set me up with the latest iPhone and add it to my monthly plan.
“Here you go. Happy freedom day.” I held out the bag.
Rip looked down at my offering. “What’s this?”
“It’s a cell phone—a real one.” I lifted my chin to the flip phones he’d been browsing. “Unlike those things.”
“I can’t afford that.”
“You don’t have to. It’s on me. Added it to my monthly bill. Once you’re on your feet again, you can take it back over.”
“I can’t take that from you. Those things are expensive. That had to be over a hundred bucks.”
I managed to contain my smirk. Try a grand. “It was on sale. Plus, I owe you.”
He took the bag. “What do you owe me for?”
“Three years of listening to my crap.”
“Your crap was more interesting than my crap. In fact, I don’t have any crap,” he laughed.