I hadn’t said it, yet. The “L” word. It was coming, I knew it, but it still wasn’t time. I reached over and kissed him on the nose and hoped the moment would pass without too much speculation and analysis.
“Dinner’s ready!” Mom called. Saved by the bell. David hopped off me and we all made our way into the dining room. Uncle Barry had laid out the dining table with the extra sections, so our comfy seating for three now fit the six of us quite nicely. He had done an amazing job, decorating with mini pumpkins and various squash and nuts. The tablecloth was a deep red and there were orange cloth napkins at every place setting. I’m surprised he didn’t order an ice sculpture of a Pilgrim and a Native American embracing. Speaking of red, we hadn’t said a word about my surprise visit to the Bears’ Club. I had a feeling he was certain that I saw Red Walcott, but things aren’t real in the South if we don’t say them out loud. Besides, I couldn’t even be sure why Red was there. Don’t assume anything, right? And I didn’t want to open that box, either. I knew better. But what I didn’t know at all was how much Luke knew. Nothing at all, I imagined. If I was guessing right about Red, and Luke knew it too, would that have changed the way he felt about us being together? Stop, Derek. You cannot play the “What If?” game anymore. It’s over. You’ve made a choice, and he’s standing proudly beside you.
Mom brought the turkey in and it looked perfectly golden brown. “You’ll be happy to know I did not deep fry it, David,” she said, and we all laughed. “We’re happy you’re here with us today. You too, Bammy and Kit. Now, let’s all hold hands, and Barry, why don’t you start us off?”
Like every family in America, we had our own set of holiday traditions, and for Thanksgiving that meant that before we could eat we all had to join hands and say what we were thankful for this year.
“Happy Thanksgiving, everyone,” said Barry. “This year, as every year, I am extremely happy for my health, first and foremost. Y’all will appreciate that when you get a bit older. I’m grateful for my loving sister, Audrey, my friends at the club, and of course, my handsome nephew Derek. I am so grateful that you came home to us this year. It has been wonderful having you back.”
My mom went next. “I’ll second my brother’s grace and say how thankful I am for my good health. But this year is coming to a close in a most beautiful way. I have my beautiful son back, after years of him gallivanting about. I am most grateful for that. We love you so much, sweetie.”
“Ya’ll are gonna make me cry,” said Bammy. She and Kit went next. They gave thanks for having me back in town, for their health, their families and their jobs. Kit was extra happy to be with Shawn, and I saw the look in Bammy’s eyes when she said that. I hated that Bammy was alone, but I knew that love would one day come for her, too. David was up next, and I held his hand tightly.
“Well, it was a tough year for me, at the beginning,” he began. “I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the spring, but I am grateful for the love and support of some amazing friends back in New York. And now? Oh, my god. Everything. Everything just came full circle, and it feels better than it ever did. Derek, I am so grateful to have you by my side again, even if I’m racking up the frequent flier miles. But I can go shopping with those points later, right? Hello, bonus! Ha! But, really. Thank you for giving me a second chance at this. Happy Thanksgiving.”
“Wow,” I said. “Every year I think I’ll be able to do this without crying, but I always get a bit choked up. Mom, Uncle Barry, I am so thankful for having the two of you in my life. I have learned so much from both of you. How to be a better person, how to lead my life as an example, how to treat my friends, whom I love so dearly.” I nodded at Bammy and Kit. “But most importantly, you’ve taught me how to love. And that’s why I have an announcement to make tonight. Bammy, I love you for taking me in at the school and giving me a purpose when I came home. You have no idea how much I needed that. But now, I can feel I need something else. I’m sorry, but I need to give you my resignation. I’d like to finish the fall term, but after Christmas break, you’ll need to find a replacement for me at the school. I’ve decided to go back to New York, for good. David, what do you think about that? David?”
I think that for the first time in a long time, David was actually speechless.
25
HOME IS A FIRE
I helped Mom clear the last of the dishes while Bammy, Kit, Barry and David rolled their bodies full of turkey and all the trimmings into the living room.
“Is that everything?” she asked.
“Yes, and it was a fantastic meal, Mom. So good. Thank you.” I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a big hug. “I think we’ll be eating leftovers for weeks, though. No turkey soup this year, promise?” She giggled, but I could see in her eyes that she was sad. She had something to say.
“Sweetie, I’m just a little surprised, but I understand,” she said and placed her kitchen towel on the counter. “This little town couldn’t hold you. I know that. We all knew that. And I can’t make your decisions for you, but are you sure you are making the right choice? I know we don’t talk so much about love and relationships, but if there’s anything you ever want to talk about, you know I can handle it, right?”
“Mom, I love you…”
“I love you too, sweetie, but? You think I don’t understand, right?”
“Mom it’s just that, everything got so complicated,” I said. “I came down here to clear my mind, but then everything got all twisted up with, well, with this guy, and it didn’t end well.”
“You mean Luke, don’t you?” she said, staring me straight in the eyes.
I looked at her, dumbfounded. How did she know?
“Listen, sweetie,” she said. “I know you think I’m still living in the dark sometimes, but just because I look the other way, doesn’t mean I don’t see or hear things. Barry and I have been friends with the Walcotts for years. Luke’s a handsome man. I don’t blame you. But just because he wasn’t ready, should you dismiss him so quickly? I can see how you and David are together, and if you say that’s what you want, then that’s it. I won’t interfere. But just the mention of Luke’s name, and your eyes light up. And it’s not just your mom who can see that.”
“Mom. I don’t need this. Honestly,” I said, as I could feel my anger building.
“I know, honey. You hate the hard parts. You always have. You thought that coming home would be easy. That all us sweet Southerners just wouldn’t understand the things you’ve had to deal with and we’d just rollover in your presence. But home isn’t always easy, Derek. Home is a fire. All these things that we don’t want to deal with on the surface just build up inside until they explode. That fire keeps growing, and you have to learn to deal with it. You’ve always wanted to run away when life tries to smack you down. But you can’t keep running away, sweetie.”
I swallowed hard as I could feel my face grow red with anger and frustration. She was right about one thing. I didn’t want to face this right now. Not at all. I stormed out of the kitchen and bypassed the living room, walking out the back door to the porch. The winter sun had already set, and the air was crisp and clean. The leaves had long ago begun their transition from green to shades of yellow and red, and the back yard was a multicolored canvas lit by the floodlights.
I heard the door open behind me, but I didn’t turn around. I didn’t need more of my mom’s faux guidance.
“Hello, Dolly,” Uncle Barry said as he closed the door gently and came to stand beside me. “Your mom’s a little upset in there. I don’t like to see Audrey so sad, you know.”
“Don’t you start, too,” I said, with more than a hint of nastiness in my voice. “I don’t need all this ‘Team Luke’ shit right now, okay? How the hell did she know? Did you tell her? And he didn’t want me anyway, remember? Whatever. I’ve already made up my mind. I’m going back to New York. I want New York.”
“Funny,” he said, quietly. “You want New York. That I understand. But you didn’t say you wante
d David.”
I turned to face him, the anger building inside of me. “Fuck you, Barry. Fuck you!” I spit the words like nails. “Just because you couldn’t have Red Walcott doesn’t mean that I’m supposed to chase after Luke so you can live your life vicariously through me!” It was mean and spiteful, and I was ashamed of my words even as they were leaving my mouth. I could see in his face that I had hurt him, and I felt awful.
He stared straight at me and pursed his lips, slightly downward, his lower lip quivering.
“Oh, Derek. You don’t know half of what you’re talking about,” he said. “Yes. Red was my ‘boy who got away,’ but that was a lifetime ago. People experiment and try things when they are young and sometimes it’s just not for them. We tried. I liked it, he didn’t. Sometimes you are supposed to have experiences that don’t end how you want them to. That’s what makes us who we are. Red and I have been friends, good friends, for years. And good friends support each other. I was there for him when Posy passed, and I’ll be there for him whenever he needs me. You barged in and assumed all kinds of things, didn’t you? Well, you were wrong. You want to know why Red was there? He was worried sick about his boy. His lovesick boy. That’s right. Luke got up the courage and came out to him, and Red panicked. He didn’t expect it, and he didn’t handle the situation well. And no, I didn’t tell him that you were the mystery man in Luke’s life. He was there to ask me how to talk to his son, to explain to him that nothing mattered but love. That he’s okay with whomever Luke loves. You can spout your politics left and right, Derek, but the truth is, some of us down here aren’t as backward as you think!”
Luke came out to his dad? Luke was “lovesick?” Oh, my god. I felt everything inside of me get crushed and forced back up through my entire body. Every emotion and thought and moment of the past few months was being replayed in my mind. I threw my hands to my face and the tears started pouring as I slowly sank to the ground.
“Oh, Dolly,” said Barry, reaching down to place his hand on my shoulder and pat my back. “This will all make sense soon. It will all get figured out. Just trust yourself. You have to trust yourself.”
How could I trust myself, when I didn’t know what I wanted anymore? There were no clear answers, no clear path, and I was just on autopilot. I was just trying to survive, rather than live. Mom was right. Everything that I came home for, my friends, my family, the slower pace in life that I so craved, the man of my dreams who appeared as a gift, it was all burning up in front of me, daring me to reach my hand in and rescue the important things before it all just disappeared in the flames.
26
THE CHRISTMAS ASSEMBLY
“Bammy, you are running around like a chicken with your head cut off. Calm down or you’re going to explode.” I handed her a coffee. “Here. More caffeine.”
“My lifesaver,” she said. “What am I gonna do without you?”
“Drink less coffee?” I said. She laughed. It was the last day of school before Christmas break and we were in the auditorium getting prepared for the annual Christmas assembly. The big scandal this year was a motion brought in front of the school board by a more liberal segment of the community to change the name to the “holiday” assembly, in deference to the “non-denominational needs of a more tolerant society.” Yeah, right. That motion failed by a unanimous vote. The students had a half-day of classes, then lunch, and then they would file into the auditorium. The agenda included a few announcements, some awards and back patting, and a few songs that my theatre kids were working on. After that, they were free until the first week in January.
“I’m just so ready for this year to be over,” said Bammy. “Principal Bellman is doing less and less these days. I swear, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was out partying a few nights a week. He’s come in more than a few times looking a little worse for wear. One morning he had lipstick all over his collar! And he’s a married man. I think he’s getting a little forgetful, if you catch my drift. I wasn’t hired to be the principal, but it sure feels like I’ve been acting like one all year. I just wish the pay was better.”
“You’re doing a great job,” I assured her. Bammy had no clue that Mr. Bellman was moonlighting as “Belle” at the Bears’ Club. But that wasn’t my secret to tell. “They’d be foolish to not give you the job when he retires.”
“Well, no matter what happens,” she said, “it’s just gonna suck without you here. There, I said it. I don’t want to pretend anymore, Derek. It’s gonna suck.”
“It’s always harder to be the one left behind,” I said. “Trust me. I know that one well.”
“Let’s just get through this day and go get drunk, okay?” she asked. “Promise?”
“I promise. But right now, I have to go check on my students real quick. Then I’m running David to the airport during lunch. I’ll be back right before the Christmas assembly. Stay strong!”
I gave her a kiss on the cheek and ran down the hall. My students were locked in the choir room, rehearsing Christmas carols with the music teacher, Mrs. Powell. I opened the door to the final strains of “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” That was my request. What can I say? I’m a sucker for Love Actually.
“Bravo!” I clapped. “Y’all are awesome! You’re gonna blow them away today. Listen, I just want to tell all y’all, I’m so proud of everything you have accomplished this year. You’ve made me so proud to be your teacher.”
“Good to know,” Mrs. Powell said, drily. “Now get out of here. We’re workin’ on somethin’.” She smiled and winked at me, and I knew that was my cue to leave.
I stepped out into the parking lot and walked towards Willie Nelson. Turning around and taking in the sight of the school for one of the last times, I realized that I would really miss this place. It’s amazing how our lives can take circular routes sometimes. Life is made up of this collection of experiences, and all we can hope for is that we learn something along the way.
“Hey, buddy. Got a moment?” That voice.
“Luke…” I stammered. “Actually, no. I’m stressed for time. I need to run home and take David to the airport. He’s catching a flight back to New York this afternoon.”
“This’ll only take a minute,” he said shyly, his hands in his pockets, kicking softly at the dirt beneath his feet.
“Luke, I… listen. You were pretty clear to me at your house. I don’t think it matters, anymore.”
“Yes, it does matter,” he said. “I need to say something. I need to tell you something.”
I stopped. Could I deny him? Would anything he had to say change my mind? Are you going to let everything burn, Derek, or reach into that fire?
“Okay,” I said, cautiously. “I’m listening.”
He looked scared, and his whole face went white. “I have a confession,” he said. “Remember when you first started working at the school, and I didn’t remember you very well, and it pissed you off? Well… I did, of course. Remember you. I was lying to you, and I kept lying to you, and to myself.”
“Luke, we’ve already…”
“No, please. Let me finish,” he said. “Yes. I remembered you. But I didn’t want to admit to myself that I had, because that meant I had noticed you back in high school. You stuck out. I knew you were gay, but I think that scared me, and like I said, I’m not proud of some of the things I did and said to you back then. But honestly, I realize now that I was interested in you. I just didn’t understand it then. But I do now.”
Of course I had hoped for this already, but I was never certain. In a way I felt vindicated. But did it change anything?
“Luke, this doesn’t…” I wanted to bury my face in my hands and cry, but I had to be strong.
“Please, Derek. One more thing.” He took a deep breath. “I told you before that you made me feel free. When we were… together, I felt free. Like I could do anything and be anyone I wanted to be. But I was afraid, Derek. You knew that. You saw that in my eyes. That time we spent together changed my life. You cha
nged my life. You opened my eyes to a whole world of possibilities that I didn’t think were available to me. After we… broke up… I, I’ve never hurt like that in my entire life. I had no idea I could hurt that much. I spent weeks just doing what I had to do, just to get through the day. I’m sorry I ignored you so much at school. I just couldn’t face you. And then, David was here. David came back into your life, and it just crushed me. I could feel myself breaking apart. A few more weeks passed, and I woke up in bed one morning, alone, like always. I didn’t want to be alone, anymore. I had to talk to someone. I told you, my parents weren’t always around when I was a kid. I had Rosa. So… I talked to Rosa. I told her about us, Derek, and she opened her arms to me and I cried like a baby. But I did it. She convinced me to talk to my father, and I did. It was hard, but it was the right thing to do. He didn’t take it so well, but I think he’ll come around. I haven’t told Lana yet, but I will, one day. Right now, though, I just feel this great weight lifted off my shoulders. I owe that to you. I do.”
I could feel my knees start to get week and my face fell, betraying all the turmoil inside of me. I didn’t know how to respond.
“Luke, I… I have to go,” I mumbled. “David. His plane.” It felt cold, but I was protecting myself. I turned to face the car.
“It was me,” he said to my back, as I began to unlock the door. “In Bottom’s Up. I was supposed to meet you that night. ‘Cowboy’ in the orange baseball cap. That was me. But when I pulled into the parking lot, I saw your car, and I lost my courage.” He inhaled deeply. “I’m glad, though. That wasn’t how it was supposed to happen for us. I found that courage later, at the lake. I’m glad I did. I don’t regret that at all.”
Home is a Fire Page 13