“Yeah, we know, ‘You’re bad.”
“Well, at least we know she isn’t dead now and plus more importantly…what the hell was you thinking! Have you never seen Back to the Future 2! Do you know nothing about the space time continuum!?” Pip shouted after smacking Sophia’s arm, getting irate.
“Oww and no, unfortunately my science fiction is a little rusty!” Sophia said sarcastically, rubbing the place she had hit.
“Why don’t you explain it to us, Pip.” I suggested calmly.
“I knew I should have forced the issue before we left,” she commented to herself shaking her head and I couldn’t help think we didn’t really have the time for movie night before our grand and stupid idea about travelling back in time.
“Right…how does it go again…Oh right. ‘Great Scot, Jennifer could conceivably encounter her future self. The consequences of that could be disastrous. I foresee two possibilities; one...Coming face to face with herself 30 years older would put her into shock and she would simply pass out or two... The encounter could create a time paradox, the results of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum and destroy the entire universe… Granted that's the worst case scenario.”
“How the hell does she remember shit like this?” I asked Sophia who shot me a look as if to say, ‘It’s Pip we are talking about here’. But instead of saying that she decided a more important question to ask was,
“Who’s Jennifer?”
“Marty McFly’s girlfriend.” Pip answered with a grin.
“Who’s Marty McFly?” she then asked and this time Pip lost her grin and snapped,
“Really?!”
“I think I understand this,” Ranka said shocking everyone from where she still stood near the door.
“Oh great, the only one in the room who didn’t get on the time travelling express understands the space time continuum!”
“Your little friend here is clearly lost in her own mind and needs to be put to rest,” Ranka said to us both, making Pip lose it.
“Hey! Yo Bitchmuncher, I am not a damn dog!” I placed a hand on her shoulder and said,
“I think she just meant you might need to sleep Pip, not get put down.”
“Oh, well that’s alright then. Peace Out,” she said giving Ranka the Peace sign that wouldn’t have mattered if she had given her a Nazi salute, because she had no clue what it meant. I decided not to explain this but found myself asking something that was equally as unimportant as most of this conversation was going,
“Bitchmuncher? Bitchnugget?”
“I dunno, it was the first thing that came to mind, plus I think I am going through a ‘bitch phase’. I was half tempted to go with Knob jockey or Ass clown. Man I wish I was more like Bond, he has all the best one liners.” And I was half tempted to say that I couldn’t really see Bond saying words like ‘Bitchnugget’ and Ass Clown’ but I decided to leave it be, considering we had more important issues at the moment, like the dead doppelganger currently lying in a pool of tea.
“Sorry to interrupt this pointless crap we keep chatting about but can we at least address the fact that my other self is lying unconscious in a puddle of tea,” Sophia said nodding at herself yet again.
“Hey sure sister, it isn’t like you’re the one who poisoned her or anything,” Pip replied rolling her eyes.
“Yes well, next time I will just jump out of my hiding place and shout ‘surprise, surprise’ hoping that the whole space continuum thingy doesn’t happen and she simply passes out like Jennifer, Marty McFly’s girlfriend!” Sophia shouted and Pip broke out into a massive grin before she bumped hips with Sophia, saying,
“Aww shucks, you werepaying attention in time paradox class.” I gave Sophia a sideways glance and she shrugged her shoulders at me and whispered,
“What, it was quite an interesting theory.”
“Yeah, one we thankfully proved wrong, unless the Universe is crumbling as we speak,” I commented cheerfully just being thankful we hadn’t yet got to Pip’s/ Doc Brown’s worst case scenario.
“No, but it just might do if we don’t hurry up!” Sophia said in a sudden panic.
“Why, what’s up?” I asked when she started grabbing her unconscious self from the table and trying to tear her clothes off.
“My brother is on his way! And man, he sure is pissed!” she hissed.
“Bollocks!” Pip said jumping in and helping her.
“Ranka, can you stall him?” I asked looking up at her to see her version of looking panicked was very different from our own. I could only hope that inside she was screaming ‘Shit!’ like the rest of us and not just standing there with one raised eyebrow.
“I’m sorry, let me rephrase that, STALL HIM NOW!” I shouted when she didn’t move. She groaned at me and unfolded her arms.
“I will see what I can do,” she replied sedately before leaving.
“Is it just me or is that woman hard work?” Pip said as we all tried to lift a very wet Sophia off the table.
“Ooops.” This time it was my turn to say ‘my bad’ as she slipped from my fingers and her cheek slapped back on the table once again.
“Look, I know she was a bitch but can we at least try not to break her further,” Sophia asked shooting me a look.
“Yeah and now you mention it, why were you such a raving bitch head, in this time?” Pip asked grabbing her under one arm as I did the same on the other side. Sophia then stopped what she was doing and put her hand on her hip and said,
“Really, you’re asking me that now?”
“She has a point,” I told Pip looking up over Sophia’s floppy head.
“Fine. Just saying the heads up would have been nice.” Pip grumbled before hoisting our burden up further so we didn’t drop her again.
“So where are we putting Miss Arabian Bitchy Nights here?” Pip asked changing the subject.
“Stuff her in that trunk over there,” Sophia said trying to tear her own clothes off.
“We can’t do that...! Uh…can we?” I asked thinking this was wrong on so many levels.
“Look, I get overall say on what happens to her,” Sophia said and Pip made a whiny noise.
“Aww no fair.”
“I will make you a deal, if we ever have to go back in time to save the world again and we encounter your younger self, then you get a say but right now, stuff her ass in that trunk!” Sophia said calling the shots and I was just glad someone other than me was doing it.
“Oh and pull her dress off,” she added, just to make the day even stranger.
“Holy shitballs, but this mission just went from weird to screwball in a heartbeat,” Pip said meaning we were totally in agreement here. We then did as Sophia asked and started to undress the soggy girl. I had to say undressing an unconscious wet woman had officially made it to my top ten ‘most difficult shit’ list and with the likes of ‘dealing with Harpies’ and ‘getting into Hell’, let’s just say it was a hard list to get onto!
“Jesus, it’s like undressing a fish!” Pip commented obviously finding it as difficult as me.
“Give it to me,” Sophia said, holding out her hand when we finally got it free from her body. Pip then threw it at her and it ended up slapping her in the face. I couldn’t help my reaction because I burst out laughing.
“Don’t say it!” Sophia warned holding up a finger at her, just before Pip said her famous ‘my bad’ line. Meanwhile I still couldn’t stop laughing.
“I think deliria has set in,” Pip said shaking a thumb over her shoulder at me and she was probably right. Of course, watching Sophia struggling to get this wet dress on and the way she had to wiggle around just to get it down her was in itself enough to set me off into wild hysteria once again, not even taking into account how crazy the whole situation was. Added to this was also the next task of trying to swing Sophia’s body in the large chest and then fold her limbs in a way that we could get the bloody thing closed!
�
�I give up! She can stay looking like a hoopla game for all I care!” Pip said slapping her hands together like she was getting the dust off.
“Seriously, I am starting to question how we get ourselves into this crazy shit.” Sophia agreed after taking one look at her other self with her legs and arms sticking up once she had the dress finally on.
“You and me both,” I said after I had wiped away the tears of laughter.
“So what now?”
“Pip you have to hide, you sit there and let’s have some tea.” Sophia said answering my question.
“Tell me you’re joking!” I screeched in what was no doubt an annoying voice.
“Look, he will be here any second and if we don’t sit down right now, then how else will this look?” she said holding out both her arms to the mess on the table.
“Like there has been a struggle,” I agreed.
“Exactly! At least this way we can just pretend you had an accident,” Sophia said folding herself down as gracefully as her former self did and doing so in a sopping wet gown no less.
“Me?! Why me?” At this she just raised an eyebrow at me and replied dryly,
“Let’s see, out of the two of us who is more like to have a clumsy moment and do something stupid like say, fall backwards off some cabin steps and hit her head on a rock… umm?”
“Hey, now that was one time and that was freakin’ years ago!” I argued.
“Yeah but there was that one time you also fell into an icy lake and almost drowned,” Pip said adding to the unfortunate list.
“Oh come on, I was pushed in by that bitch Layla!” I said defending myself.
“Oh yeah, man but you really do have a problem with people trying to kill you, don’t you?” Pip said looking up at the ceiling as if trying to remember them all.
“You think!?” I replied sarcastically.
“Yes, well at least you have an equal number of people trying to save your ass, which I have to say, is what I am trying to achieve now, so sit your sweet ass down and drink some damn tea!” Sophia said almost panting when she was finished.
“Okay, okay, jeez, no need to get snippy,” I said sitting down and doing as I was told. She smiled at me before blowing a kiss my way and Pip had all her fingers bent out like she was still counting.
“Wow, I think I lost count! Holy Harem girls but you have more enemies than Batman!” Pip said making me giggle and also feel a little paranoid. As if reading my face Pip said,
“I wouldn’t worry…I’m sure if they just got to know you better then it wouldn’t be half as many.” Sophia smacked herself on the forehead and said,
“Oh brother.”
“Speaking of which, Pip get outta here!” I said hearing them behind the door. She was just about to run into the next room when I noticed the biggest flaw in our plan.
“Pip the trunk, you forgot to close the trunk!” Sophia looked up just as the door was opening and we both knew she wouldn’t make it. I held my breath and could feel every muscle in my face tense as I couldn’t bear to watch the next few seconds play out. However, with all the will in the world I also couldn’t close my eyes.
The door swung open and two things happened all at once. Sophia righted the cups on the table just as Pip threw herself down on the trunk lid, slamming it shut and effectively stuffing the rest of the Princess’ body down so it was out of sight…limbs and all.
All three of us simultaneously looked to the door to see a red faced Draven stood there looking both worried and furious. His eyes first went to me and after giving me the once over to check I wasn’t stabbed, maimed or that blood wasn’t pouring out of me, he then looked around the room, focusing first on Pip and then on the mess on the table.
Sophia looked back at me and after I didn’t get her wide eyes as enough of hint, she then cleared her throat and stared at the spilt tea.
“Oh my I am so, so sorry Princess, how clumsy of me. It was the door, it startled me,” I improvised, thinking was this really the worst sounding acting I had ever heard or was it just me? My silent question was answered when I saw Sophia roll her eyes before looking back to her brother.
“Arsaces, I am afraid you startled my guest. Come join us, we were just having some tea as I was getting to know a little more about your new concubine here…I must say, Vardanis was right, she is most charming.” I had no clue how she knew that was what Vincent had said but I knew one thing and that was her acting was Oscar worthy! Unlike mine, whose only award would have been a rotten tomato.
“See brother, I told you no harm had come to her.” Vincent said coming up behind him to look inside the room for himself. It was obvious he had joined his brother at the gates and had to explain where I was or more like who I was with. And from the looks of Draven’s frayed nerves, he had been more than a little worried. Well I can’t say that he didn’t exactly have cause to be, considering we had a little Imp sat on a trunk stuffed with his murderous sister inside.
“Are you alright?” he asked me, ignoring Sophia.
“But of course she is…”
“I was asking her!” he snapped, obviously not forgetting their last conversation about me. I gave him a kind expression, being thankful that he cared enough to worry about me and said,
“I am fine my Lord, your sister has been most kind.” Hearing this was supposed to ease his mind but instead he frowned and gave her a look that said only one thing…’What are you up to?’
After this he quickly spotted the tea and his eyes grew wide. He stormed over to me and picked me up as though I was a doll. Then he placed me next to him as though at any minute one of his sister’s stuffed animals was going to come alive and take a chunk out of me.
Then before any of us could say a word he picked up the tea and sniffed it before taking a sip. Thankfully the tea that had been poisoned was currently still dripping onto the floor off the table, so unless he was going to get down and start licking it, I think we were all good.
“Oh really brother, do you think so little of me?” Sophia complained, obviously still having a part to play.
“Why is she here?” Draven asked nodding to Pip and ignoring his sister’s complaints.
“She came to tell me of my sister’s recovery and how after drinking a little more, she is now sleeping peacefully.” I jumped in to say before Pip could stick her foot in it. Draven looked at me as if trying to spot the lie but other than what I had told him, what other reason could there be? Because let’s face it, the truth was pretty unbelievable, even for me and I was currently caught up in the middle of it all…Hell, I was the bloody cause of it all!
“Ranka!” This was Draven’s only response to what I had said as you could see he was determined to find out the real truth of what had gone on.
“Take Nāzanin back to my quarters, I wish to speak with my sister,” he ordered when she walked through the door and this didn’t sound good. I gave Sophia a look of pity, one she just shook her head at as though trying to tell me not to worry. I suppose if anyone knew how to handle her brother, then it was her, because in this time period it certainly wasn’t me!
“Very well, my Lord,” Ranka answered and nodded for me to follow. I then looked to Pip who was currently watching the show like all she needed now was a bowl of popcorn and her world of entertainment would be complete.
“Pip.” I hissed her name trying to get her attention and for a minute I thought she was going to just wave me off. Thankfully though the look I gave her made its way through her funfair brain and she got the message…probably in big neon flashing lights knowing her.
“Oh, right…yep, that would be me then.” she said throwing her legs off the trunk and not really acting the part of the old ailing woman. Thankfully though, Draven and Sophia were too busy to notice as they were having some kind of silent showdown.
We then quickly left the room after Vincent was also commanded to join them. It was obvious Draven had a few things to say and he wanted his brother to hear them also. The three of us
walked down the hallway and I turned to Pip and asked,
“Do you think she will be alright.” Pip gave me a nudge and said,
“Sure, why not, our Sophia can handle herself, just as long as…” Then she paused as if not wanting to say it to worry me further.
“What, just as what?”
“He doesn’t open that trunk,” she said making me frown at her.
“Why would he?” I asked on a laugh, one that died quickly when I saw her face.
“Pip…what did you do?” I asked as my dread caused me to drag out her name.
“Oh nothing…really, well it wasn’t really my fault as I didn’t have time and…”
“Pip.” I said her name in warning, coming to a stop in the hallway, refusing to go any further without her answer.
“Well, see, I kinda…might of…possibly…”
“PIP!” I shouted and she then confessed,
“Got some hair and maybe a few fingers caught in the lid, but only like one or two…three at the very most!” she confessed making my face drop in horror.
“Oh my God! Pip, what if he sees it? What if he opens that damn trunk!?” I screeched throwing my hands up in the air. And I had to say, Pip’s answer didn’t fill me with very much confidence, in fact, none at all…
“Space time continuum’s worst case scenario.”
Chapter 60
Pertinax
I paced around the room, one that was now Draven’s private domain. Ranka brought us here a different way and after going through hidden entrances, we walked along a series of secret passageways that seemed to have been carved into the stone foundations centuries ago.
I think this was so that I didn’t have to walk through any other ‘supernatural’ rooms like the last time he had brought me here, where he made me close my eyes first. I was actually surprised that he was even chancing it and didn’t just treat me like every other ‘Chosen Concubine’. I knew that he had a room set up for such occasions and it was obvious that they only saw this room when Draven requested their presence for the evening. Take Stateira for example, the first time I ever had the unfortunate task of meeting her was back in Draven’s harem, where she was having a hissy fit because her presence hadn’t been requested for the night.
Sacrifice of the Septimus: Part 2 (Afterlife saga Book 7) Page 26