“Fabio taking no offenses.”
“Don’t look at me.” Moody shrugged her shoulders and stuffed a slice of cheese in her maw. “I don’t have a ‘soul’ to my name. Why don’t we ask the celebrity in the room?” she added, pointing to Fabio’s earring-laden ears.
“Truth being …” the goblin stammered, “Fabio wearing … travels jewelry. Fakey diamonds. Get lost, stolen, no worries. Real pretties and monies in burning train.”
Vega sighed, tossing four hundred “souls” onto the table, then motioned with his hand that this was the entirety at his disposal.
“That doesn’t make any sense,” Serene said, counting the bills. “A UEL agent like yourself … you should have access to much more than this for your day-to-day expenses.”
The Spaniard pulled out a thick metallic disc from his wallet. The UEL symbol stood out prominently on its shiny surface.
“I see. I don’t suppose we want you flashing that particular credit disc about right now.” Serene sucked her lower lip thoughtfully. “Nonetheless, we aren’t going to get far on four hundred souls, that’s for certain.”
“Here,” Alex piped up. “I have like … a little over a thousand souls. Or something like that.”
“And where’d you get that kind of money, little man?”
“Alex, have you been moonlighting under my nose?” Serene asked.
“Oh yeah, Serene,” he responded, rolling his eyes, “I’ve been working three other jobs between the bullets and tentacles and the end of world crap. Come on. Eight hundred comes from my first paycheck back in Eville. Well, not paycheck … wages … whatever you call it. And the rest Serene gave me before going to New Brasov for souvenirs and crap.”
“Alex my dearest! What would we do without you?” Serene leaned over and kissed the young man’s temple. “With closer to fifteen hundred, well, now we have something to work with. Bless your frugality my boy!”
Alex sighed. “Yeah, whatever, Serene. I just never had a chance to spend it. I swear, the one and only time I get paid since working for you, and I busted my ass earning it, I’ll have you know, only to end up spending every last dime of it trying to save your ass. Typical.”
“Now, now, dear boy. I promised I’d make it up to you.”
“Yeah, you’ve been saying that. A lot. So far I’m not convinced.” Alex shook his head. He felt a twinge of irritation as he watched Serene’s long, pale fingers scoop up his hard-earned wages and begin counting, and yet at the same time knew deep down that he’d give everything he had to help his friends to safety.
“A Necrosia promise is as good as gold, I assure you. I’ll pay you all of your back wages as soon as I can. I even plan to throw in a little bonus, too.”
“Oh, goody. I’m not holding my breath.”
“Fabio write song of Alice-boy kind heart. Generous giving for the safety of the womens. Song of many beauties will be. Much good. Much good.”
“That is a capital idea! Just think, Alex, your deed shall one day be immortalized in glorious song throughout the world! A melody pulled from the talented mind of our dear goblin virtuoso. What an honor!” Serene turned to the goblin, scratching her chin. “You know, my love, I dare say my life has seen an overabundance of material worth an epic ballad. We should talk about working on something together one of these days. Why, you could write dozens of songs based solely on my three month journey to Timbuktu, investigating the bizarre mating rituals of the feral—”
“Hey, hey!” Moody clapped her hands loudly. “We’re supposed to be talking about how we’re going to get out of the current mess we’re in. Not some damned goblin ballad or any of your crazy ‘science’ crap. Vega, hand me those crackers will you?”
“So we have fifteen hundred souls,” Alex recapped, wrestling the near empty bag of jerky out of Moody’s stubby fingers, “and a whole lot of nothing else. What are our options?”
“What we need to do,” Serene began in her authoritative tone, “is acquire convincing disguises for everyone … ”
“No,” Moody and Alex barked simultaneously.
“Oh, for heaven’s sake! Very well then, what brilliant plan do you suggest?”
Everyone sat silently for a moment, clueless on their next course of action. Vega doodled absentmindedly in his journal, wracking his brain for solutions.
“That’s what I thought,” Serene added with a satisfied expression. “If you’ll recall, I’m the only one among us who’s actually—”
“How about we ship ourselves to UEL headquarters?” Alex suggested.
“What?” Serene stared at the young man dubiously.
“Oh yeah, little man. Let’s all jump into a crate marked ‘handle with care’ and glue some postage on it.” Moody retrieved the bag from Alex and devoured the last slice of jerky. “Dumbass.”
“No, really. Like … you have all these trains and trucks coming and going … loaded down with tons of product. And Serene said earlier that these trolls are constantly smuggling stuff in and out. They must ship live things, right? Animals and whatnot.”
“No, that’s just—” Moody protested.
Vega held up his palm for silence. He then wagged his index finger at Alex, his trademark smile back on his lips.
“But could we trust these trolls to not turn around and ship us off to the Cosa Nosferatu for a fortune?” Serene asked doubtfully.
Vega scribbled hastily. “They mustn’t know what cargo is being shipped. But they could easily deliver a crate to Nanthera in a short time.”
“Nanthera?” Alex asked.
“The city bordering UEL Headquarters,” Moody explained in a tone that implied Alex should have already known.
“Why not just deliver directly to UEL headquarters? Wouldn’t that be a lot better?” Alex said.
“Direct delivery highly controlled. Nearly impossible.” Vega underlined the last word for emphasis.
“Even if your plan were viable,” Serene added, “we would need a hell of a lot more than fifteen hundred ‘souls.’ No skilled smuggler would offer his services on the cheap.”
“We have to barter with something other than ‘souls.’” Vega sat back, the gears in his mind obviously spinning away.
“I say we sell Fabio into slavery,” Moody said with a laugh. “He’d be worth a fortune!”
“Not funny, hunchy-flower! Not funny!”
“Forget it!” Serene suddenly cried. “I know what you’re all thinking. I won’t do it! You can’t make me sell my body! I’ll have no part in this.”
“Serene, what the hell are you talking about?” Moody laughed. “Nobody was thinking that. Nobody wants to think of that. Trust me. Just the thought is … disturbing.”
“Well, I won’t do it,” Serene repeated, crossing her arms.
Vega picked up his pencil again. “I need to think. Everyone get some rest. I’ll work something out.”
Chapter 28- Jarred Tap Water
With nothing else to do, Alex, Serene, Moody and Fabio piled onto the two beds and turned on the Visi-Screen. What ensued was a solid hour of bickering, complaining, wrestling for the remote and much name calling as the inventor, hunchback and goblin fought over what to watch. Despite the ruckus, Vega appeared entirely undisturbed. The Spaniard sat at a small table, palms flat, eyes tightly shut as if in a deep meditation. If it weren’t for the fact that the detective’s chest moved in and out Alex might have thought his friend had exited the land of the living to join his partner. At long last, Vega’s eyelids lifted and his eyes blazed with excitement.
“What is it now?” Serene complained as Vega gripped her by the wrist and tugged her toward the table. “I want to find out who the murderer is,” she whined, pointing at the Visi-Screen. “I swear it was the damned Cyclops’ lover who poisoned the lot of them. Mark my words. That little tramp has the look of a villain. Foul little slut.”
Vega hastily pushed a chair under the inventor, moved it next to his own and sat back down. Furiously he scribbled away.
“Of course, my good man. The fact that you have to ask in the first place is positively insulting.”
Vega raised his eyes from his journal to look Serene head on. His questioning glance was worth a thousand words.
“Yes, yes. I’m absolutely certain. You can trust me. I give you my word as a Necrosia. Don’t give me that look. A Necrosia promise is the definition of truth, I tell you.”
Vega shot Serene a look as if to say “you’d better be right about this” and went back to his pencil.
“Oh. Yes, I see. Clever boy. But that one won’t work. Already tried it. No. Not that either. Need more space. What? I’d rather die first. What else do you have bubbling in that brain of yours? It’s been done. No. Not enough time. No. Oh?” Serene leaned forward and placed her hand atop Vega’s writing hand. “Now that … oh my. Ho ho! I believe we’re onto something, my Spanish stallion. Yes … yes indeed. I would need a … oh but I could … yes … yes … I’d have to substitute … here, give me that.” Serene pulled the journal and pencil away and began jotting down words on a new page. Every now and then she’d pause and stare off into nothing, her mouth moving silently. “These I’m not worried about. But can you get your hands on this? Truly? My dear Vega, master magician, I could kiss you!”
The detective quickly stood up, motioning that such an expression of appreciation was entirely unnecessary. He snatched up the journal and looked it over once more, nodding his head. Vega then scooped up the piled money, stuffed it in his coat pocket, turned around and began eyeing Alex, Moody and Fabio curiously. Biting his lower lip, the detective’s eyes panned from one figure to the next. Finally, with an expression of resignation he focused on Alex, sizing him up from head to toe for a good while.
“What?” the young man asked. “What is it?”
Vega winked playfully and walked right out the door.
“What was that all about?” Moody tore her eyes away from the Visi-Screen long enough to glance at Serene.
“No time. No time.” Serene marched off into the bathroom, shut the door and began making all manner of noise.
“I have to use the bathroom now, you freaking harpy whore!” Moody beat against the bathroom door with her foot. Three hours had passed since Vega left and Serene had yet to come out. At first the inventor made all manner of commotion from within. After a half hour the general racket came to an end, only to be replaced with an almost unending stream of unintelligible muttering from the inventor. “Let me in, damn it!”
“For heaven’s sake, Quasimoody, I’m trying to concentrate. Go away.”
“If you don’t open the door this instant I’m going to kick the damned thing down. You hear me?”
“Fabio has to be going to the pee-pees, too.”
“A plague on all your mundane bodily functions,” Serene replied from behind the door. “I’m in the midst of something stupendous. Go bother someone else for a while.”
“I’m going to kill her.” Moody stomped about the room, shaking her fists. “I am going to wrap my hands around that skinny neck of hers and I’m gonna … ” The hunchback decided to kick the door again rather than finish the sentence.
“Hey, hey. Come on, Moody. Somebody’s going to hear all this noise and check in on us.” Alex glanced at the room’s door warily.
“I don’t care. I don’t care if every damned CN, harpy or space squid comes crashing through that door. Screw them all! You let me in, Serene!”
“Why don’t you just—” Alex began to suggest.
“Why don’t you shut your mouth, little man? Serene? I’m counting to three. You listening? One!”
“Oh god, this isn’t going to be good,” Alex moaned.
“Two!”
Just as Moody formed the word on her lips for the final number, the motel room door swung open and Vega hobbled in. He held three large, heavy-looking boxes in his arms, while a stack of two more was being nudged forward with the tip of his shoe.
“Oh forget it! Out of my way!” Moody brushed under Vega’s arms and out of the room, stomping and snorting as loudly as conceivably possible.
“Ah, Vega, my love.” Serene’s head popped out from behind the bathroom door, as happy as could be. “Well, don’t just stand there like a gargoyle, Alex, help the poor man.”
“Oh, right. Sorry.” Alex clambered over and lifted the two boxes stacked on the floor.
“Just place everything in the bathtub.” Serene’s long, thin, pale arm motioned the two men to come hither.
“What the hell have you been doing in here?” Alex asked, placing his load in the bathtub next to Vega’s.
“I’ll tell you later. Go play with Fabio or something.” Serene slammed the door to once more and from the sound of it began tossing the boxed items hither and thither.
For the next several hours Serene toiled away, sometimes humming to herself cheerfully. In addition to the truly unsettling sounds of boiling, popping, cracking, sizzling and spilling came a series of disturbing odors and the occasional wisp of unnaturally colored smoke from under the bathroom door. Thankfully, the madwoman never created any explosions, fires or conjured any evil entities from another dimension, which pleased Alex to no end.
“Behold!” Serene opened the bathroom door suddenly, a large green and blue cloud following her. In one hand the inventor clutched a handful of papers and in the other, held aloft, sat a simple glass jar filled with a clear liquid.
“Wow. Check that out,” Moody pointed, her mouth open in mock astonishment. “The woman’s figured out how to jar tap water. Woo-hoo.”
“Laugh all you like, Quasimoody. But the reality is that I hold in my hands this moment … the very future of the troll people! And what a gloriously illuminated future it is. Once more you see before you … destiny.”
“Ah hell, not this again,” Alex groaned, pulling a curious Fabio away from Serene. “Trust me. You want to stay as far away as you possibly can. When she says ‘destiny’ that actually means horrible, painful death in a jar.”
Vega, undaunted, approached the woman, took the papers from her and began flipping through them. The Spaniard nodded thoughtfully, scrutinizing the hastily scrawled words and complex diagrams. Finally, he looked up at the jar for a moment, took it in his hand and held it toward the ceiling light.
“It works. I swear to you it does.” Serene’s face was nothing but confidence as she beamed proudly at her creation, which did nothing at all to ease Alex’s fears.
“Are you going to tell us what that crap is or not?” Moody growled.
“I have created a solution to troll-kind’s greatest shame. Now … yes … now each and every one of them … can grow hair to their hearts’ content.”
“Excuse me?” Alex stared at Serene with a cocked eyebrow.
“They have no hair follicles, dear boy. None. This little formula changes the game entirely, rewrites the uncaring laws of biology, breaks the cruel shackles of physiology for an entire race of beings.”
“And you just figured this out … out of nowhere … in that lousy freaking bathroom.” Moody’s arms were crossed and her patented eye rolling had entered overdrive. “Am I the only one finding this a bit hard to believe?”
“Inspiration, dear. Inspiration! Through an exchange of ideas with our exceptionally clever detective, the formula hit me. Like a bolt of lightning. An explosion of truth blazed through my mind. I saw it … saw it as clearly as I see you before me. Why this makes varlic seem almost … insignificant by comparison.”
“So … you mean to barter with this?” Alex asked slowly. “Give this formula to the trolls … in exchange for passage to that Nanthera place?”
“Right you are, dear boy.”
Moody laughed. “That’s all well and good. But the odds of it actually working are pretty much zilch.”
“Shut up, you! It works perfectly.”
“Really? And how can you be so sure?” Moody argued.
“Because … I know it. I feel it in the marrow of my bones, the core of
my soul.”
“Yeah, yeah. I say we test it first. Rub some on little man’s face and see if he can grow a decent beard.”
“No,” Serene shook her head. “The formula is designed to work exclusively on the unusual skin of a troll. Applying the formula to Alex would likely do little more than create a rash or some manner of … pustule. Regardless the effect would be decidedly undesirable.”
“Well, isn’t that nice,” Alex said, backing away even farther from the inventor.
Seemingly satisfied, Vega placed the jar carefully on the table, walked over to a box in the corner and pulled out a change of clothes. Surprisingly, this new outfit was actually a handsome suit, very professional, with shiny, black leather shoes to match.
“Whoa,” Alex protested as Vega placed the clothes in his arms. “Wait a minute … if this is what I think it is …”
“Vega needs someone else to go with him,” Serene explained. “Someone to handle most of the … talking. Under the circumstances you’re the best fit for that role. The rest of us are a bit too … famous.”
“I believe you mean infamous.” Alex grunted.
“Fabio be going, too! Fabio great master negotiations and business. Fabio very handies.”
“Not this time, dear. I believe you’d be better used staying here protecting Quasimoody.” Serene winked at the hunchback playfully.
“Yes. Fabio protect hunchy-flower.” Noticing that Alex now held the suit coat to his chest, approximating its fit, the goblin turned his attention to the quality material. “Oh,” Fabio cooed, running his fingers along the lapel while sniffing it curiously. “Very handsome. Alice-boy be most sexy. The womens go madness for these.”
“That’s a nice thought, but I seriously doubt I’ll find any hot women amongst a pack of trolls.”
“No,” Fabio agreed, sadly, “trolls womens very uglies. Keep suit for later. Fabio bring the womens.”
“Right. Well, at least I’ll be well dressed when the end comes.” Alex sighed.
The Eville Protection Plan Page 15