by Kara LaReau
“Our parents are off running an errand, aren’t they?” Jaundice asked Kale.
“Are they?” Kale asked. “I can’t seem to recall. It was so long ago.”
Jaundice and Kale took a moment to think. It had been a while since they’d thought about their parents; over the years, the Bland Sisters had found so many other ways to occupy their time.
“They were there with us at home, at one point,” Jaundice said. “And then they weren’t. That’s all I know.”
“All I know is that you two had better get to work,” growled Lefty. “Grab a brush and a bucket, and get scrubbin’.”
Lefty, as it turned out, was Deadeye Delilah’s first mate, which meant she ran the crew while Delilah steered the ship and looked out at the horizon with a spyglass. It was a good career choice for Lefty, as it was hard to argue with a person with a hook for a hand.
Of course, Jaundice and Kale had never done more than sock darning and chores at home, where everything was safe and familiar and well shaded, so scrubbing the decks of a pirate ship on their hands and knees in the blazing sun did not come easily to them. In fact, they found it quite draining, even after only four or five hours.
“My skin is hot and sweaty,” whined Kale.
“My back is sore,” moaned Jaundice.
“My ears hurt,” yelled Lefty. “Quit yer yappin’ or I’ll give you the cat.”
“There’s a cat here, and a monkey?” Jaundice said.
“Ooh, I think I might like cats,” Kale said wistfully. “Why didn’t we ever have one?”
“It’s not that kind of cat,” whispered Peg. “She means a cat-o’-nine-tails. Ye don’t want to be messin’ with that, so work faster.”
The Bland Sisters noticed a whip with nine lashes hanging from Lefty’s belt on the left side. It looked as if it would hurt. A lot.
“On second thought, I don’t like cats,” Kale said with a shudder. “Not at all.”
“Oh, there’s far worse than the cat, ye can be sure,” Peg explained. “There’s the Jack Ketch, the keelhaul, and there’s always a good marooning. Though I’m sure you two know about marooning better than ole Peg.”
The Bland Sisters barely understood a word of what Peg said, but they smiled and nodded anyway, just to be polite. In truth, all they knew about pirates was what they read in the dictionary. Kale reviewed the definition, just to be sure.
“What about walking the plank?” Kale offered. That was the only thing Dr. Snoote said about pirate justice: Pirates forced you to walk along a plank, fall into the water, and surely drown. The supplementary illustration for this was particularly dramatic.
“No truth to it,” Peg said, spitting over the side. “I never seen a plank-walkin’ in all me years.”
“This dictionary needs a bit of updating,” Kale said.
“Clearly,” said Jaundice.
Just then, the Bland Sisters heard a horrible SNAP! They jumped back, as did Peg, just in time to escape the whip of the cat-o’-nine-tails. Lefty stood over them, gesturing with her hook.
“No time fer chitchat, bilge rats!” she growled, strutting away.
“That was close,” Kale whispered.
“Blimey,” Peg said. “I nearly soiled me poop deck.”
booty |'boōtē| noun
a valuable prize, usually taken by force
Chapter Eight
“SAIL HO! SAIL HO!” cried a voice from above.
The Bland Sisters looked up. A girl not much older than they were was sitting in the crow’s nest, waving her arms. Everyone on deck dropped what they were doing and stared out at the horizon.
“What’s going on?” asked Jaundice.
“That’s Millie Mudd up there,” said Peg. “She’s our lookout. Must be a ship approaching.”
Deadeye Delilah gazed through her spyglass and chuckled. She handed it to Lefty, who took a look for herself and started chuckling, too.
“Looks like we got ourselves an easy target, me hearties,” Delilah announced to the crew. “It’s The Testostero.”
“Everyone get into character. Ye know the drill,” advised Lefty. At this, the crew members began hiding their weapons, fluffing up their hair, and washing the dirt off their faces. Someone passed around a vial of perfume, which everyone made sure to apply. Except for the Bland Sisters, of course.
“Don’t ye want some par-foom?” Peg asked.
“No, thank you,” Kale said, passing the bottle along. “We don’t use cosmetics.”
“Too bad,” Peg said, dabbing a generous amount behind her ears. “You two could use some sprucin’ up.”
Eventually, The Testostero came into view. It was a much smaller ship than the Regina, but it had very large bloodred sails.
“They’re all men,” Kale remarked, sizing up the crew.
“They seem much dirtier than the illustrations of pirates in our dictionary,” noted Jaundice.
The Testostero’s captain came forward and called out to the Regina.
“Ahoy!” he said cheerfully, lifting his hat. When he smiled, he revealed a mouth full of gold teeth. “Me name’s Captain Jerry.”
“Well, helloooo, Jerry,” Delilah purred. “Me name’s Delilah.”
“And me name’s Barry,” said Captain Jerry’s bespectacled first mate. “Ye know, the high seas is no place for lovely lassies like yerselves.”
“Ohhh, yer so right, ye are,” said Lefty, in a high-pitched voice. “We’d much rather be cookin’ or bakin’ or sewin’ than floatin’ around on this ratty, horrible ship. Right, ladies?”
The rest of the crew of the Regina nodded in agreement. They batted their eyelashes, wrung their hands, tossed their hair, and giggled.
“Why is everyone acting so funny?” Jaundice asked.
“Shh,” said Peg. “Just play along.”
“Certainly, we’ll be glad to escort ye to the nearest safe harbor,” said Jerry. “Fer a modest fee.”
“And we’ll be glad to take yer ratty, horrible ship off yer hands, so ye can get back to yer womanly pursuits,” said Barry.
“Yer too kind,” cooed Delilah.
No sooner had the words left her mouth than the pirates of The Testostero were climbing aboard the Regina.
“They don’t look any nicer close-up,” Kale whispered.
“Or cleaner,” said Jaundice.
“This is gonna be easy,” Captain Jerry said to his crew, rubbing his hands together. “Like takin’ candy from a baby. From a ship full o’ babies.”
“Arrrgh! Hand over yer treasure, lassies!” Barry growled, brandishing a little dagger.
“How ’bout ye hand over yers?” said Delilah, as the crew of the Regina revealed their impressive array of weapons.
“Uh-oh,” said Jerry.
In one quick movement, Lefty brought her cat-o’-nine-tails out from behind her back and cracked it.
SNAP!
Barry’s dagger flew out of his hand and went overboard.
“Me blade!” he cried.
“Yer lucky ye didn’t lose yer little fingers, too, crybaby,” Lefty said.
“No one makes me shipmates cry,” snarled Captain Jerry, pulling out his sword. “Especially a girl.”
Delilah pulled out her sword, too. “Well,” she said, “there’s a first time fer everything.”
“I’m getting a Feeling,” Kale said to her sister.
“Is it a Feeling that we’re about to be in Relative Peril?” Jaundice asked.
“Exactly,” said Kale. “You know the drill.”
Had the Bland Sisters not closed their eyes and slumped to the floor in pretend sleep, they would have been privy to an incredible showing of swordplay by Delilah and a stunning all-out brawl between the crews of the Regina and The Testostero. Unfortunately for the men, they were quickly overpowered.
“That’ll teach ye to underestimate us wenches,” said Lefty, spitting at The Testostero’s crew. “Now, we’ll help ourselves to yer booty!”
“Hurrah!” cheered the crew o
f the Regina, as they all boarded the enemy ship and stripped it of all its gold, its food, its ale, its livestock, and its weapons. They even took its sails. Afterward, they forced The Testostero’s crew back onto its deck.
“Please don’t kill us!” Captain Jerry pleaded, his mouth now slack and toothless.
“Oh, we feel sorry for ye boys, so we’re not going to kill ye,” announced Delilah. “What we are going to do is set ye adrift without yer sails. And we’d like yer captain to surrender his pants.”
“What’s that?” said Captain Jerry.
“Ye heard the lady,” Lefty said, waving her cat-o’-nine-tails. “Give us yer pants, or we’re gonna whoop yer bums again.”
When the Bland Sisters finally opened their eyes, they saw The Testostero, now without its sails, and its captain, now shivering in his long johns, floating away. The crew of The Jolly Regina laughed and waved.
“Toodle-oo, boys!” Lefty shouted.
“Thanks for the memories!” added Delilah, blowing a kiss. Together, she and Lefty hoisted Captain Jerry’s pants up the Regina’s flagpole.
Jaundice looked up, squinting. “Yikes,” she said.
“What?” asked Kale, following her sister’s gaze. “Oh, my.”
Flapping in the breeze at the top of the flagpole, along with Captain Jerry’s pants, were many other pairs. The Bland Sisters tried to count them, but there were too many.
“What are ye gapin’ at?” Lefty snarled, snapping her cat-o’-nine-tails. “Get back to work, scrubs!”
Jaundice and Kale scrambled to find their brushes and buckets and quickly resumed their hard labor, not wanting to raise the ire of their pirate hosts. After all, the crew of The Jolly Regina were not only pillagers and plunderers. They were also ruthless depantsers.
doubloons |də'blo͞ons| plural noun
historical Spanish gold coins
Chapter Nine
As the sun was setting, Lefty ordered the deckhands to stop their scrubbing.
“Finally,” Jaundice said, removing half of yesterday’s cheese sandwich from one of her smock pockets and taking a bite. “I could use a break.”
“Me, too. And some of that sandwich,” said Kale.
Jaundice tore the sandwich in half. But before she could hand Kale her portion, Scurvy leaped up and snatched both pieces.
“Hey!” shouted Jaundice. “That was mine!”
“And mine!” added Kale.
In response, Scurvy screeched, stuffed the sandwich in his mouth, and scampered away.
Jaundice sighed.
“Monkeys are the worst,” she decided. Wearily, Kale nodded in agreement.
“Delilah wants to see the two of ye,” Lefty growled, grabbing them both by their tired arms and pushing them toward the captain’s quarters. Jaundice and Kale could barely stand, let alone protest.
When they arrived, Deadeye Delilah was relaxing in a hammock made of The Testostero’s red sails, drinking from a jug of rum. A table in front of her was covered with the spoils of the day’s plundering: gold doubloons, pieces of eight, and Captain Jerry’s gold teeth. Scurvy was lying next to Delilah, playing with one of her braids. When he saw Jaundice, he stuck out his tongue. Her button was already pinned to his vest like a medal.
“They’re all yours, me hearty,” Lefty said.
“Due south,” Delilah ordered. “We’ll reach Port Innastorm in three days. Then we can trade in some of this booty and treat ourselves to a good time.”
Lefty gave the captain a wink, then went back upstairs.
Delilah shrugged. “Someone’s got to steer the ship while I splice the main brace, so to speak.” She took another swig.
At this point, the Bland Sisters began to notice another Terrible Smell: the smell of a rum-soaked pirate queen.
“Don’t breathe through your nose,” advised Jaundice.
“I’m way ahead of you,” whispered Kale.
“So tell me,” Deadeye Delilah said. “What do ye ladies know about treasure?”
Kale took out her dictionary and thumbed through to the T section.
“Um,” she said. “It’s ‘a quantity of something valuable’?”
“ . . . ‘such as gems, or metals,’” said Jaundice, reading over her sister’s shoulder. “‘Or other precious items.’”
“Don’t play games with me, missies,” Delilah snarled. “Ye know what treasure I’m talkin’ about. Cap’n Tennille’s treasure.”
“Captain Tennille?” Jaundice asked.
“Captain Ann Tennille,” Deadeye Delilah said. “She was the greatest pirate on the seven seas. Before yers truly, anyway. I was her first mate when I was barely older than ye. And she had a ship full of treasure, ten times as much as this pittance from The Testostero. Why, Cap’n Ann had the biggest booty ye ever laid eyes on!”
The Bland Sisters tried to imagine this, with mixed results.
Delilah took another swig of rum. “And then, one day, she caught me stealin’. ‘No one pinches Cap’n Ann’s booty,’ she says. That’s when she sent me floating off on a raft. Didn’t have the heart to feed me to the fish, bless her heart. But she set me adrift, all the same. So I vowed to find her, someday, somehow, and take all her treasure for meself. I’m going to prove to her, once and fer all, who’s the real pirate queen.”
Jaundice and Kale were riveted. This was much, much more interesting than reading the dictionary. Delilah’s account was filled with interesting characters, an engaging plot, and real conflict.
It was, in fact, a story. The first story they could ever remember hearing.
“And then what happened?” Kale asked.
“Aw, ye both know what happened,” Delilah grumbled.
“We want to hear you tell it,” said Jaundice, giving her sister a look.
“Well, I got me own ship and me own crew and started sailin’ ’round the world, lookin’ for Ann. That’s when I came across yer parents. They said they knew all about Ann and her treasure and where she was hidin’ out, and they wanted to share it with me if I let them use The Jolly Regina to find it.”
“And then what?” the Bland Sisters said at the same time, surprising themselves.
“And then what?” Delilah took another drink of rum. “And then I double-crossed them, that’s what. I had Lefty tie ’em up and then I told ’em to tell me where to find the treasure, or else.”
“Did they tell you?” Jaundice asked.
“They told me it was on Gilly Guns Island, so that’s where we went. And do you know what we found?”
“Treasure?” Kale guessed.
“No,” said Delilah. “A whole lot of nothin’. So I told yer parents they had to face pirates’ justice: either Jack Ketch, which is a good hangin’; the keelhaul, which is a draggin’ and drownin’; or maroonin’, which is abandonin’ without food or water. Their choice.”
Jaundice swallowed hard. “So which did they pick?” she asked. None of the options sounded very good, really.
“I’ll tell ye the one they didn’t pick,” Delilah said. “They begged me, ‘Oh, Captain Delilah, please don’t maroon us here on the island! Anything but that!’ So guess which one they got?”
“Marooning?” Kale offered.
“Right-o,” Delilah said. “Ye must be the smart one.”
Kale blushed. She was the smart one. In her own opinion, at least.
“They even told me I could have ye two as my scrubs, if I promised not to maroon ’em,” Delilah added. “A lot of good it did them, heh heh . . . ”
And us, the Bland Sisters thought at the same time.
diatribe |'dīə'trīb| noun
an angry speech
Chapter Ten
It became very clear to the Bland Sisters that Deadeye Delilah had enjoyed her share of rum for the night. This was a conclusion reached after Delilah trailed off midsentence, dropped her empty jug, and immediately began snoring, openmouthed.
In fact, Scurvy was inebriated by association; he’d kept his face too close to Delilah’s m
outh and grew drunk from the rum fumes alone. Jaundice leaned in and carefully, carefully removed her button from his little vest.
“That’ll teach you to steal from me, sea monkey,” Jaundice whispered. She pulled out her sock-darning needle and thread from one of her smock pockets and sewed the button back on with impressive speed.
“Do you have anything in your other pockets?” Kale asked.
“Good question,” said Jaundice.
Upon further investigation, it was determined that Jaundice was in possession of the following items:
A sock-darning needle and thread, as previously mentioned
A kitchen magnet
A stick, burned at one end, used by Jaundice to poke the logs in the fire at home
A crumpled napkin, in which the aforementioned cheese sandwich remnant (cruelly snatched by Scurvy) had been wrapped
One rubber band
One thumbtack
One paper clip
“Well,” Kale said, wrinkling her nose. “I’m just glad none of these bits and bobs ended up in the laundry this time. The last thing we need is needles and thumbtacks and paper clips and a magnet rattling around in the washing machine. Not to mention that dirty stick. Remember the time you left a half-eaten cheese sandwich in your pocket? Don’t get me started on that fiasco. You try scrubbing melted cheese out of a load of wool socks . . . ”
As Kale continued with her diatribe, Jaundice shoved her hands in two of her empty smock pockets and shut her eyes. Everything was so complicated now, being away from home, kidnapped by pirates, and kept as servants. And worse, the Bland Sisters’ parents were most likely not off running an errand. More likely, they were in danger.
“What do you remember about our parents?” Jaundice asked.
Kale stopped complaining about the laundry. For a little while, she stared out into the middle distance, as she always did when she was deep in thought.
“Hmm,” Kale said. “I seem to recall crying whenever our mother tried to coax us into venturing outside. The sun always felt so harsh and the flowers seemed too fragrant, and the laughter of other children hurt my ears.”