by Di Morrissey
The luminous face of the bedside clock glowed in the dark, showing 2.40 a.m. Natalie turned over and was suddenly aware of a warm dampness beneath her. She groaned. Had she wet the bed? Thank goodness she was sleeping alone. She slid from the bed but when she felt how wet her nightdress was, her heart sank. Something wasn’t right. Hurriedly she turned on the bedside light and gasped as she saw a watery stain and realised what it was.
‘Oh no!’ Instinctively she wrapped her arms across her belly, cradling her baby, and sat on the edge of the bed. She grabbed the phone and called Mark. The phone rang out and went to voicemail. She tried again but he still didn’t answer. She lay back down again, wondering what to do. She called Jodie.
‘Sorry, Jodie, it’s me. I can’t get onto Mark. I think I have to get to hospital. My waters have broken . . .’
‘Oh, shit, Nat! Call 000, then don’t do anything. I’ll get dressed and come over and stay with the kids. Don’t worry about them. Stay calm.’
Natalie drew deep breaths as she shakily dialled the emergency number and repeated her name and address. The operator was cool and efficient.
‘Just lie quietly. Have you had any contractions?’
Natalie was about to say that she hadn’t when she felt a sudden tweaking tremor ripple across her abdomen.
‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘Just now.’
‘How far along is your pregnancy?’ the operator asked.
‘Not quite thirty weeks. It’s too soon.’
‘If we send an ambulance for you, will you be able to let the paramedics in?’
‘I’ll unlock the front door and leave the light on. Please ask them to be quiet. I have children sleeping.’
‘Is someone available to look after them?’
‘Yes, she’s on her way.’
‘An ambulance has been dispatched. Please stay off the phone in case they need to contact you.’
Natalie carefully lifted herself from the bed and, as calmly as she could, went to open the front door. Returning to her bed, she willed the baby to settle down, but the quivers were becoming stronger contractions. Natalie held herself gently, singing and whispering to her baby.
‘Stay there, stay there. Hold on, sweetheart. It’s too early. Too early. You’re not ready for the world. Please, please, God, hold this baby back.’
The phone by the bed rang and Natalie grabbed it.
‘Natalie, this is Sandy Fleming, I’m a paramedic. I’m in the ambulance and we’re on our way. Won’t be long. Can you tell me where you are in the house? Are there lights on? How old are the other children?’
‘They’re little, three and four. I’ve unlocked the front door and I have a girlfriend coming . . . Please hurry, I’m having contractions, I don’t want to have this baby. It’s too soon. Please hurry.’
‘We’re only five minutes away. It’ll be all right. Listen to me, even babies at thirty weeks are strong little critters. Don’t worry. Keep calm and we’ll be there to help very, very soon.’
The young woman’s voice was soothing and professional. Natalie wished Mark was there. How could she cope without his reassuring presence? She knew that the children would be fine with Jodie.
She waited, closing her eyes, gripping her belly and trying to block out what was happening by taking slow, deep breaths. She heard the door open and Jodie was in the room.
‘I don’t suppose you’ve got a bag ready for hospital? Where are your night things? Dressing gown? Nighties?’ She pulled open the drawers as Natalie gave her instructions. ‘Anything else you want?’
‘Phone charger. Toothbrush. I don’t know.’ Tears rolled down her face.
‘No matter. I’ll get that gear over to you if you need it. Could just be a false alarm and you’ll be home for breakfast.’
Natalie shook her head. ‘I have a horrible feeling about this . . .’
‘There’s the ambulance out the front, I’ll let them in.’ Jodie hurried to the door.
But the paramedics, a man and a woman, were already through the door, both carrying a mass of equipment in backpacks, as well as an oxygen cylinder and a collapsible stretcher.
‘She’s through there,’ said Jodie.
The young woman gave Natalie a warm smile. ‘Hello, I’m Sandy. This is John. And you’re Natalie?’
‘Yes.’ In a rush Natalie started to blurt out what had happened. As she talked, Sandy quickly took her pulse while John erected the stretcher.
‘So you’re thirty weeks along are you, Natalie? Any spotting or bleeding before this? Cramps? Have you recently fallen or strained yourself? We need to get you to hospital and then we’ll have you into the obstetric ward in no time. Just turn around and slide over onto the stretcher. Pop your bottom on here. There we go. Lie down. Relax.’
The paramedics gave Natalie a calm and steady stream of simple instructions. While they moved swiftly, talking reassuringly, Sandy kept her fingers on Natalie’s pulse, maintaining eye contact and a friendly smile.
‘We’ll make this a quick trip, eh?’ Sandy said to John.
‘Yep, no worries, mate.’
In moments they were heading for the front door with an ashen-faced Natalie under a sheet.
‘She’s going to be fine and so is her baby,’ Sandy said to Jodie. ‘You okay to hold the fort? Let’s go.’
Jodie nodded as the paramedics slammed the ambulance doors shut and were off in a matter of seconds.
In the back of the ambulance, Natalie started to hyperventilate and Sandy, sitting beside her, placed an oxygen mask over her face. When Natalie pulled up her legs, Sandy asked, ‘Strong contractions? Take deep breaths.’
Natalie shook her head but she saw Sandy give John a concerned look. She didn’t register the siren’s wail. All she saw were the streetlights and an occasional flash of neon. Suddenly she gripped Sandy’s wrist.
‘It’s coming! Stop, stop, the ambulance. My baby’s coming.’
Sandy spoke calmly. ‘All right, Natalie, I’m here. If there’s a problem, we’ll pull over, but we’re nearly at the hospital now, so we’ll try and get there. Help me, now. Pull up your legs and hold on here to the sides of the bed.’
Natalie didn’t notice John accelerating or feel the ambulance swinging around corners.
‘I need you to help me, Natalie. Just breathe through the contractions. Try not to push just yet.’
Natalie shook her head. ‘No, no. I don’t want it to come. It’s too early!’ she cried, grasping her belly.
‘Natalie, your baby is coming. There’s no stopping it now. We’ll get you to hospital as quickly as we can so your baby can be looked after. Everyone is waiting for you there. It’s going to be fine, okay? On three, give me a big push, breathe and push,’ commanded Sandy firmly.
The next minutes were a blur as Natalie felt her baby expelled in a watery rush from her body. As she struggled to lean forward over the restraining straps of the bed, she began crying.
‘Is it all right, is it all right?’
Despite the fast-moving vehicle, Sandy had the baby, a tiny bundle, laid in her lap. ‘Natalie, it’s a little boy. Bit on the skinny side, a bit out of breath. Couldn’t wait, eh, mister?’ she chatted calmly to the baby, as she quickly worked on the tiny, pale blue infant, massaging his chest with two fingers, wrapping him in a warm blanket then slipping a small oxygen mask onto his face. ‘Come on, little fella, big breath.’
Natalie lay back, great sobs racking her body.
Sandy seemed to be talking to herself. ‘One two three, that’s my little man. Come on, one more.’ She used a little suction device to get rid of the mucus from his mouth.
Natalie saw the Accident and Emergency sign as they screamed into the driveway of the hospital and turned to Sandy. ‘Is he breathing?’ she asked in panic.
In reply Natalie heard a faint squeak of a whimper, then a gulp as a tinge of pink crept into the baby’s face.
Sandy laid the warmly wrapped infant next to Natalie in the crook of her arm. ‘Have you got a name
for him?’
Natalie closed her eyes. ‘Andrew.’
‘Nat, the kids are fine, wolfing down breakfast. How’s the little bloke? And how’re you? Have you talked to Mark yet?’ asked Jodie over the phone.
‘Mark’s on his way. It’s all a bit of a blur. I’ve been given some medication, so I’m a bit woozy. The baby is in a humidicrib in the intensive care nursery. He’s got breathing problems. God, Jodie, he’s so tiny, so fragile, smaller than Charlotte’s doll. He weighs less than one and a half kilos . . .’ She started to cry.
‘Nat, he’s going to be fine. What did Mark say?’
‘He freaked out a bit. We’ll know more about the baby when I see the specialist. I’m supposed to sleep. You sure the kids are all right? I can’t thank you enough. What about your kids? And what about the preschool?’
‘All under control. Mum’s over at my place. She’ll get them organised, and I’ll take your two to preschool with me. Don’t worry about us, we’ll be fine.’
‘My mother’s closing the shop as soon as she can and coming up. She’s so upset of course. I didn’t want to worry her but I had to tell her what was happening. She says that’s what mothers are put on the planet for – to worry,’ said Natalie, choking up.
‘Nat, little Andrew is going to be all right. Get some rest. Let us know when you want me to bring the kids in to see you. Charlotte’s fine, very calm, very grownup. Adam is a bit confused, but once he gets to preschool and sees his friends, he’ll be okay.’
‘Thanks, Jodie. You’re such a good friend. I don’t know what to do. I’m so worried,’ said Natalie tearfully.
‘Sleep,’ said Jodie firmly. ‘Get it while you can.’
When Natalie opened her eyes, she saw her mother and Steve sitting by her bed, their faces concerned.
‘Hello, darling, how’re you feeling?’ Sarah leaned close and gave her daughter a kiss.
‘I’m okay. Did you see him?’
‘They let us have a peek. He’s tiny but perfect. It will be all right, darling girl.’
‘I’m pretty confident about him,’ added Steve, trying to smile.
‘Hi, Steve. Thank you for the flowers,’ said Natalie, seeing the vase on the table at the foot of her bed.
‘We spoke to the nurse in charge of the neonatal intensive care unit, and she told us that they’re taking the best care of him, sweetie. The main thing is for you to get some rest,’ said Sarah.
‘I know, Mum, but I’m so worried about him. It just came out of the blue.’
‘You’re doing too much with Mark away all the time,’ said her mother but Steve gave her a swift nudge.
‘No, Mum, it’s not that. It has nothing to do with Mark being away. The doctor isn’t really sure why it happened. I had a fall yesterday, but it wasn’t much of one.’
Sarah didn’t look convinced. ‘Thank goodness Jodie was able to drop everything and get over to your place to look after Charlotte and Adam,’ she said.
‘Yes. She’s such a great friend. Mark will be able to take over when he gets home.’
‘Do you know how long you’ll be here?’ said Steve.
‘I’m not sure. Not very long, I suppose. It’s Andrew who will be kept in. I just hope that Mark gets here soon. I really need him.’
Sarah hugged her daughter. ‘Love you, darling girl. It’s going to be okay.’
‘Let us know if there’s anything we can do. I’m happy to pop up any time,’ offered Steve.
‘Thanks so much for coming. I know it’s not easy. It was good to see you both,’ said Natalie, as she started to cry again.
An hour later, Mark finally arrived and rushed into her room, unshaven, pale faced and red eyed. She reached out to him and he sat on the bed beside her, wrapping her in his arms, and they wept together.
‘I’m so, so sorry you had to go through this without me,’ he kept repeating. ‘How is our little guy?’ Mark was trying to look brave and cheerful, but Natalie saw the fear in his eyes.
‘They say he’ll be okay, Mark. But he’s not out of the woods yet. He has problems with his breathing. It’s so hard to see him like that in the humidicrib. I just want to hold him.’ Natalie began to dissolve into tears again.
‘I know, I know. Let’s just take it day by day, sweetheart. Minute by minute. How are Charlotte and Adam? God, Jodie’s amazing.’
Natalie nodded. ‘Yes, she said she’ll have them at her place tonight and you can pick them up in the morning. She’s organised to keep them busy, doing their usual thing at the preschool.’
‘I can pick them up and bring them in here, introduce them to Andrew.’
‘I don’t think they allow children down where Andrew is, but they might be able to see him through the window. I want to see them. But maybe they shouldn’t see Andrew. I mean, what if he —’ She buried her face in his chest. ‘I couldn’t bear it … Explaining it to them . . .’
Mark held her close, making soothing sounds as though unable to frame words or articulate how his heart was breaking for her, for them both. Finally he managed to say, ‘He’s going to be fine, darling. Our little boy will pull through. I know he will.’
Natalie blew her nose and asked in a quiet voice, ‘Should we name him? Have a little naming ceremony for Andrew? Just in case? If something happens I don’t want him to just . . . disappear. Like he wasn’t here.’
‘Oh, Nat.’ Mark looked at her brave, tear-stained face. ‘Don’t think that. Just think about the lovely naming party we’re going to have in a few months. What’s his middle name? Have you thought about that? Did Uncle Andrew have a middle name?’ asked Mark, trying to distract her.
‘I can’t remember. I really love calling him Andrew and keeping Uncle Andrew’s spirit alive. I dream that he’ll grow up to be talented and decent like great-great-uncle Andrew was. Do you think that’s corny?’
‘No, Nat, it’s not corny. Uncle Andrew means a lot to you,’ said Mark gently.
Natalie nodded. ‘I was thinking maybe Steven for a middle name. Adam’s named for your father and Steve doesn’t have any kids. Mum would like that.’
‘That’s a nice idea, he’ll be chuffed.’
‘How long have you got off?’ asked Natalie hesitantly.
‘As long as we need. I’ll take all the holiday time I’m owed and then I’ll ask for leave without pay if I have to. It’ll be fine. When will you come home?’
‘They don’t keep mothers in hospital very long these days, so I’ll probably come home and then come back to the hospital every day to express my milk and be with Andrew. I so want to hold him and feed him myself. What if we don’t bond? And what about Charlotte and Adam?’
‘Nat, you and this baby will be especially close after all this. Don’t worry. We just have to think about the day he comes home.’ He thought for a moment before he added, ‘He’s going to need a lot of care. I wonder how we’re going to manage.’ Then, more definitely, ‘But I’ll be able to take care of Charlotte and Adam. You’ll be home a lot of the time, too.’
‘I just want him home. It’s scary. He looks so fragile, so breakable,’ whispered Natalie. A baby down the hall let out a lusty cry. ‘I hate hearing those healthy babies. I know it sounds mean, but it’s so unfair,’ she said bitterly. ‘I hope those mothers realise how lucky they are.’ Mark reached for her again and held her close.
Natalie lost track of time in the next twenty-four hours. Minutes and hours were dictated by the bright lights of the intensive care nursery, the hospital routine, and the time she sat by the humidicrib that held her tiny son.
She was able to put her hand through a small opening and stroke him with her finger. She hated seeing the tubes surrounding him and the drip inserted into his translucent skin. She prayed that he knew she was there, loving him as much as if he were in her arms.
Nurses bustled, charts were flicked through, notes made, cheerful banter exchanged in the hall, but Natalie remained hunched, her eyes glued to her baby, willing him to grow stronger. She drank an
occasional milky tea with a soggy biscuit in the saucer and avoided the maternity ward as much as possible. Thankfully, her room was at the far end of the hallway, but to get to it she couldn’t avoid passing those other happy rooms where mothers were bonding, feeding, bathing and showing off their healthy new babies.
As she walked down the corridor Natalie kept her eyes lowered and in the solitude of her room she pushed her door shut and banged her fist against the wall.
‘It’s not fair, not fair,’ she sobbed.
She could tell that the doctors were still concerned for Andrew. Although he wasn’t worsening, he wasn’t improving either. She watched his pale little body struggling for every breath and, leaning close, she whispered encouragement to him. She couldn’t bear to be far from him.
Charlotte and Adam’s visit didn’t turn out as Natalie had hoped. Neither of them understood why their mother was in the hospital, or where the baby was? The hour they spent there was hectic and tiring, and turned tearful when Mark announced that they had to go back home without their mother.
The next day Andrew’s condition grew far worse. Natalie was gently told that Andrew was being taken for an X-ray, and she panicked.
‘Can’t I go too, please? I want to stay with my baby!’ The nurses tried to calm her down and she was taken back to her room. She rang Mark and sobbed that Andrew was getting worse.
‘I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’ll call Jodie and see if she can have the children,’ he said.
Mark sat by Natalie’s bed, holding her hand, waiting to hear the results of the X-ray, or any news at all.
‘The waiting is the worst,’ she whispered. ‘Please thank Jodie for me. How are you managing?’
Mark gave a small smile. ‘They’re getting a bit tired of eggs so tonight I was going to throw a pizza on. With vegetables,’ he added, knowing Natalie tried to give the children fruit and vegetables every day.
‘There’s a lasagne in the freezer. I think you should go home now and pick the kids up. I want them to stick to their routine,’ said Natalie. ‘I’ll be okay.’
‘Are you sure?’ Mark glanced at his watch. ‘Call me if there’s any news. Try not to worry. I know this is hard.’ He kissed her and as he opened the door Dr Rasheed, Andrew’s paediatrician, entered.