Providence (The Velvet Series Book 2)

by Diana Kane

  “I know.” It’s the only answer I have.

  “Some regret is nearly impossible to live with. You two have that same something that Catherine and Alex have. I’ve seen it. A part of me will always have regrets when it comes to you, this conversation might become one of them. You two clearly love each other. That isn’t an easy thing to find, nor is it guaranteed to be there tomorrow. Seize it while you can.” I nod because I don’t know what else to say to her. “Maybe we can get a coffee sometime soon. Before we do, think about what I’ve said. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could have stopped Jill from going for that run.” She pats me on my upper arm before walking away.

  I stand there watching Isabella, savoring the drink she made me. She fits so seamlessly with my friends, she easily fell in with them like they had known one another for years. They have their own jokes and even their own schemes to get us in the same place at the same time.

  “Are you alright?” Catherine’s inquiry cuts my line of thought. “Sweetie, you look about as stressed as I’ve ever seen you. Is everything ok?”

  “Do I really? Shit!” I’ve been trying to hide my stress level from Isabella ever since our talk last week. If Catherine sees it, surely Isabella does as well.

  “Meet me in the garage. I’ll fix us each a fresh drink and you can tell me all about it.” Catherine heads toward the bar as I make my way through the kitchen and into the garage, where I pace around waiting for Catherine to join me. “Tell me what’s going on,” she demands as she hands me a new drink. I take a sip and find the whiskey sour to be strong, but not comforting like the beverage Isabella made me.

  “Isabella wants to move here.”

  “That’s wonderful news.” Catherine flashes me her full, radiant smile. “Why are you so upset?” I fill Catherine in on everything Isabella and I have discussed. “Well, there really is only one answer.”

  “I have to tell her no.” Genuine shock registers on Catherine’s face. Clearly, she and I are not on the same page.

  “Gods Sara, why would you tell her no? Have you lost the plot?”

  “It doesn’t matter what will make me happy, I can’t take her away from her family.” The tears I’ve held back for a week break free and burn their way down my face.

  “Sara, I know your family history. You can’t take someone from their family though. Taylor is across the country, and either of us would be on a plane for the other in a heartbeat if needed. My parents cavort around the world, yet I know if we needed them they would be back here on the next flight. That’s how family works. Your grandmother raised you. Was she less of your family when you went off to college? When you moved away for residency?”

  “No. She would have been there no matter what.”

  “Exactly. She wants to be with you, Sara. You didn’t ask her or pressure her into this decision. Relationships aren’t about you or me, they’re about us. Being together is going to make both of your happier; otherwise, she wouldn’t have offered.”

  “Yeah but—.”

  “There is no but, Sara. Some problems can’t be solved with logic. Life doesn’t fit neatly into a bag or a box. It’s messy and complicated. There are times you have to follow your heart instead of your head. If I had listened to my head, I probably would’ve never wound up with Alex.” I can’t help but scoff at this idea.

  “Yeah right, you were destined for each other.”

  “And you and Isabella are not? I ignored my heart for a long time when it came to Alex, too afraid to admit or acknowledge how I felt. My heart won in the end anyway. Besides, I think Katrina is right, if you let her go, you will regret it for the rest of your days. You’re happier with her than I’ve ever seen you. Don’t throw it away because you think you know what’s better for her than she does.” Catherine hugs me as more tears make their escape. She holds me as I cry, still not convinced I can tell Isabella yes. The stress is killing me, putting up a fake front exhausting every last drop of energy I have. “You’ve got to get out of your head Sara. The answer isn’t there.” She plants a quick kiss on my forehead. “I’ve got to get back inside. Stay out here as long as you need to.”

  “Thanks,” I whisper and squeeze her hand before she walks away. I sit down on the hood of Alex’s car and stare into my whiskey sour, like I’m reading tea leaves. I hear the door open and close and look up to see Isabella making her way to me. She takes my cup from me and deposits it on the roof of the car before placing herself between my knees and wrapping her arms around me. “How did you know I was out here?”

  “Catherine told me,” she informs me before kissing the top of my head. “I know that you plan to tell me no.” Isabella doesn’t let go of me. Instead, she holds me tighter.

  “How? Did Catherine tell you?” Fresh tears fall from my eyes, I know that this is the beginning of the end for us.

  “No. I’d have to be blind not to see how stressed you’ve been this week. Plus you’re sad when we make love; like you are trying to say goodbye to me.” I hear Isabella’s soft sniffle near my ear.

  “I’m sorry. I’ll cancel my trip.” I try to let her go, but Isabella refuses to budge.

  “No, you won’t. I have no intention of making this easy for you. I love you. I know that you love me. I want to be here with you. I know that’s what you want as well, otherwise this wouldn’t be so difficult for you. I don’t care if it takes a year, I’m not giving up on this.” I wrap my arms back around Isabella. “Why no though? Is it still because of my family?”

  “Yes,” I whisper, not wanting to cry again.

  “Come back with me. You don’t have to meet them if you don’t want to. Just come be with me.”

  “Ok.” I can’t deny her request. If we really are nearing the end, I want to spend as much of time with Isabella as I possibly can.

  “And stop trying to tell me goodbye. I won’t let you.” We hold each other in silence for the longest time, the elephant out of the room, leaving the two of us with our emotions laid out like cards on a table. “We should get back inside. Derrick and Kevin are getting hangry.” She leans back and looks at me, as she runs the back of her fingers over my face, attempting to erase any tear trails that might still be there. “Are you ok?”

  “Yeah.” I know that it’s a half truth at best.

  “I never thought it would be this difficult for you. I’m so sorry.” I can see the love and concern in Isabella’s eyes and it tears at my heart knowing that I stand to lose her.

  “It’s only difficult because I want you here with me. I just can’t allow you to give up your family for me.”

  “It isn’t a you or them deal, Sara. I won’t lose them by moving here to be with you. I wish you could see that.” Her fingers continue to stroke my face as her eyes bore into my soul.

  “Me too.” My words are barely an audible whisper. I’m not even sure if Isabella actually hears them.

  “I love you,” she whispers before kissing me. “We should probably rejoin everyone.” Despite her words, she still holds me tightly.

  “Just a few more minutes. I need to be here with you right now.” I grab two fistfuls of the back of Isabella’s shirt, not giving her a choice. “I love you so very much. Please know that.”

  “I know baby.” Her hands slowly stroke my back as she places soft kisses on the side of my head. “How was your talk with Katrina?”

  “It was fine. She apologized again, only this time she seemed sincere. She would like to be friends again some day. She basically told me I’d regret it forever if I didn’t agree to let you move here.”

  “She did?” Isabella’s surprise is evident in her tone as she lifts her head to look at me. I nod to confirm. “What did Catherine say?”

  “To get out of my head and follow my heart, not to let you go.” She kisses my forehead again before resting hers against it.

  “You’re friends are wise.” I lean in and kiss her this time, a real kiss, one that is anything but me letting her go. Isabella looks into my
eyes when our lips part and I see a hint of her own sadness there. “I wish you would talk to me about this. You aren’t going to lose me.”

  “I hope that’s true.” I break our stare as I take a deep breath. “The family stuff. My father died before I even knew him. I lost my mother when I was young. I never had any siblings, I’ll never have nieces or nephews. I don’t want you to not have those things. I know they’re important to you.” Isabella’s fingers caress my faces as she studies me.

  “They are, but so are you. They want me to be happy, Sara. We can visit them, they can visit us. There are video chats. There are weeks when I don’t see them, and I’m fine. I miss you as soon as one of us has to leave. Do you think that I haven’t considered these things?”

  “No. I know you wouldn’t make this decision without thinking it through. I’m worried that you’ll grow to resent me when you miss things or if something happens and you aren’t there.”

  “Sara, I’m making this choice knowing all of the what ifs. It’s what I want, only now I think it would have been better to just move without talking to you first. Then this wouldn’t be eating you alive and we would be here enjoying ourselves. Please just give it some more thought. Think about what your friends said. Meet my family and talk to them, see how they feel.”

  “Ok.” Isabella presses her lips to mine, but when she tries to pull away, I stop her, forcing the kiss to deepen when I run my tongue over her lips. For the first time since we initially spoke of Isabella moving here, I forget the stress of feeling like I’m making this decision for her and live in the moment. I focus on our love and put everything that I have into the kiss. Isabella senses it and slowly presses my back down onto the hood as we continue to share one of our most passionate kisses yet. I coil my legs around her waist and pull her further into me, savoring the feeling of her body on top of mine.

  “Ahem. When you two have quite finished, dinner is ready.” I hadn’t heard the door open before Catherine spoke. Isabella pulls her lips slightly away from mine as we grin at each other, neither of us moving.

  “Five minutes,” I call to Catherine. I hear the door close as Catherine retreats back into the house.

  “Welcome back. I’ve missed you,” Isabella whispers as her nose brushes against mine. “We should head inside.” She tries to extract herself from my limbs, but I refuse to let her go.

  “Not before you kiss me like that again.”

  “If I do we might not make it for dinner.”

  “That’s a risk I’m willing to take,” I inform her as I pull her lips back to mine.

  Chapter 27

  I sit at the foot of Isabella’s bed, watching her moonlit form sleep, the question of if I will say yes still weighing heavily on my mind. I love her, of that, I have no doubt. I still can’t bring myself to agree though, despite feeling my resolve starting to weaken. I dread flying home without her, nor can I imagine going back to having our relationship exist primarily over video chat, but the worst will surely be waking up without her that first morning back. The last three weeks have given me a taste of what a life together could be like, and it’s something that I know I want more than anything. How cruel is fate to lay this choice at my feet? I wonder if Isabella knows that I still cannot say yes.

  “Will you please lay back down or do you wish to watch me all night?” Isabella doesn’t move an inch or open her eyes. I had no idea she’s awake. Isabella rolls over and holds out her arms, summoning me. I slide up the bed and lay my head on her chest where I can hear her heartbeat. Isabella’s fingers caress my hip as I try to collect my thoughts.

  “I feel like no matter what my answer is someone will get hurt. If I say no I feel like I’m hurting us. Saying no feels like I’m trying to cut out my own heart with a butterknife. But if I say yes I feel like I’m harming you by taking you away from your family.” I take a deep breath and close my eyes against the tears threatening to escape.

  “I will hurt too if you say no, not like the possible or imagined harm if you were to say yes.” Now I know that no decision I make will be the right one, either way Isabella stands to be hurt. A tear escapes, dropping down onto Isabella and rolling down her abdomen. “Baby come up here please.” I lift my head and slide further up the bed as Isabella rolls onto her side to face me. In the moonlight her eyes appear to be black as we stare at each other. “I hate seeing you cry.” She brushes her thumb under my eye before planting a soft kiss on my cheek. “Is it getting harder to say no?”

  “Yeah.” Isabella’s smile is unmistakable, even in the dark. “What does it look like when you picture us being together?”

  “It’s beautiful. You’re the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night. I get to ask you how your day was in person and hold you if it was bad. We get to go on regular dates and spend time with your friends. I can make dinner on the evenings you have to work late and on the others we do it together. I get to show you my paintings and sketch you whenever I want. We get to do all the little things together most couples take for granted. It’s what I want.”

  “What would you do though? Wouldn’t being alone all day while I work get boring?”

  “No. I can paint, find a job, volunteer. I have options.” Isabella seems so sure of herself, of her desire.

  “When you picture all of this, do we live together?”

  “I suppose so.”

  “Then why were you looking at places?”

  “I don’t know. Inviting myself to live at your house would have been rude. I wasn’t sure if you even wanted me to move.” Her fingertips softly brush along my cheek as she pushes a few stray hairs behind my ear. “You asked me to picture us being together, that is what I picture.”

  “I promise you that I would love nothing more than to be with you every day.” I caress her face as I lean in to kiss her. “What happens if we try it and you figure out that you can’t be away from your family? Do you honestly think we could go back to being together long distance?” I know I’m fairly certain that we could not. It’s already hard enough thinking about being away from Isabella after three weeks together.

  “I have no idea, but I would rather try and know for sure. We can reevaluate if that time comes. Until then I’d much rather live life and be happy than sit and second guess things, never really experiencing them to see how they actually would be.”

  “Ouch. That was a little bit direct.” Even if it’s direct, there’s some truth to her words.

  “I’m sorry.” Isabella sighs and closes her eyes for a few seconds. “I just know that I want this, I don’t have any doubts. I wish it were the same for you, because I’m ready. I want to see how amazing life could be if we were together.” I hadn’t realized how frustrating this has become for her.

  “Me too. I’m just trying to sort this out. This is a big sacrifice you want to make.” I trace her hairline from the peak of her forehead to the nape of her neck, our eyes fixed on each other. “I do love you.” I take Isabella’s hand and place it over my heart. “This is yours.” Isabella’s eyes slowly close as the corners of her lips curl upward slightly.

  “What would you have done if I had just gotten a place and moved without asking you about it first?”

  “Honestly? I would have been thrilled. I doubt I would have questioned the family thing like I am. But being given the power to say yes or no makes it feel like I’m making the decision for you. Having lost that, knowing what it feels like to not have that, I don’t want that for you.” I see a glimmer of moonlight reflect off a tear that escaped from Isabella’s eye. I reach up and wipe it away with my thumb before slowly tracing her cheek. “Why the tears?”

  “I love that you are concerned about this. That you are willing to sacrifice your own happiness to protect me. Even if what you’re trying to protect me from is something that may never happen.” I can’t tell Isabella that eventually, it will happen, that one day something will happen to her parents, expected or not. “Which one feels better to you, saying yes o
r saying no?”

  “Saying yes. I am so much happier when we’re together.”

  “Then Sara I am begging you to be selfish just this once. Please say yes. Choose us.” Isabella’s words are brimming with emotion. This is what she wants, there isn’t a doubt in my mind. She emphasizes them by seizing my lips with hers, gliding her tongue across my lips until I yield and permit it entry. “I love you, Sara,” she breathes, temporarily separating our mouths. “Please let that be enough.”

  *****

  Isabella leads me through the front door of the impressive house, and the hamster using my stomach as an exercise wheel goes into double time. She turns back to face me, but I can’t be sure if I physically started to drag my feet or if my sweaty palms communicated my nervousness to her.