by Dame Darcy
When he arrived at home at three o’clock in the morning, his heart was practically beating out of his chest. He did not wake up his wife as she hadn’t slept in days. The next morning she was overjoyed to find the lettuce. She and her husband made a salad out of all the lettuce and ate it all in one sitting.
What a pleasant day! Afterward she did the dishes all the while humming songs about bluebells and swallows. Her eyes had started to regain their luster and they even got out the dulcimer and zither to play a couple of tunes in front of the crackling fire. The carpenter had abandoned his morals in exchange for mere lettuce and newfound hope.
Alas, the merriment did not last for long. The next morning his wife’s craving had increased a thousand fold. She tried to do herself in with a pair of shears. Her husband reluctantly agreed to grant her request for more lettuce. He had no choice. Returning to the witch’s garden, he discovered stealing was easier this time. As he dug under the fence he didn’t pray. As he threw the seventh head of lettuce into a pillowcase, he saw the form of the witch out of the corner of his eye.
She was back-lit by the light of a big sliver moon - larger than the night before. Perhaps this is why the witch caught him this time. Her form cast a long, black shadow running through the garden to his thieving hands. The witch spoke and when she did, her voice could have been that of a man or woman old or young, it was indecipherable but definitely sounded like thick, green velvet.
She spoke calmly and told the carpenter she was furious. The witch went on to say that she found his petty, ignorant wife to be a dolt and a breed cow and told him the childless life he was about to live was no different from the old, so he should stop wailing like that.
RED
On a cold winter day, a beautiful young maiden of twelve ran around the kitchen shrieking. This gave her mother a migraine which made it difficult for her to cook. Thinking of ways to get rid of her hyperactive daughter, she said, “Red, go give your grandmother this basket of goodies.” In the basket were a bottle of whiskey and a slice of pink cake with “THD” written on top in chocolate frosting. She put the things in a basket and covered it with a crimson cloth. Red’s mother was always fearful of a hunter accidentally shooting her little Red so she made her a bright red hand knitted cloak. She made the cloak red for safety because Red traveled through the woods frequently to visit her Grandmother.
Looking up into the trees, she imagined nearby birds saw her as a small blood spot against the virgin snow. She had been down this path many limes and was not afraid of gelling lost. Suddenly, there was a howl behind her in the distance which made her walk faster. Though she wasn’t afraid of hunters, she was afraid of wolves. As it grew darker, she heard an even louder howl. The wolves were getting closer. The sun rapidly descended, causing her to grow cold. To warm herself, Red drank a little of the whiskey and replaced it with snow, so her Grandmother wouldn’t notice.
When she looked towards the sky again, it had turned blood red and looming in the path ahead was the largest wolf she had ever seen. Sizing her up, panting it spoke. "Hello baby." She was so shocked to hear a wolf speak that her heart skipped a beat. Could it just be the whiskey talking?
In order to sound brave she said, “Get out of my way, you big galoot! I need to get to my Grandma’s and I have no time for a scourge like you!”
"Is Granny a feeble one?" the wolf responded. His voice sounded like it was wrapped in meat and drug through the din.
“Yes she is now leave me be!” Red shouted.
“O.K. O.K. girlie, simmer down,” replied the Wolf. “Just help me with one thing. I know where your Grandmother’s house is, and I’m trying to get to a place nearby, so just tell me where she lives.”
Red knew from her scout manual to be helpful to people in need so she told the Wolf, “It’s on Morning Glory Circle.” The Wolf then left swiftly, stopping ten feet away to wave goodbye before completely disappearing through the trees. As she walked alone down the dark path, she thought about how glad she was that the smelly Wolf finally left.
She eagerly ran down the path towards her Grandmother’s house as this had been a very creepy evening. When Red got to her Grandmother’s house, she discovered her Grandmother left the door ajar. As she entered, a pungent smell of meat lingered in the air.
“Sit down,” her Grandmother said in a rough voice, “and have some roast sweetie.”
“Grandma, do you have a cold?” asked Red.
“Sure do Hon...I reckon I shouldn’t have been up so late last night,” replied Grandma.
Red began ravenously eating mouthfuls of meat and bit down on something so hard it cracked her molar. She fished it out of her mouth to look at it. It was Grandma’s wedding ring. She turned to look at Grandma lying in the bed and said, “Grandma, your wedding ring slipped of in the roast.” Then she stopped short. “Grandma, maybe it’s just the light but you look funny.”
“Never you mind Hon, take of your clothes and get into bed with me,” ordered Grandma. Red riding hood took of her shoes and they fell to the floor with a clunk.
Then Red noticed something else strange. “Grandma, what big ears you have!” said Red.
“I just got cosmetic surgery, dear, they’ll look fine in a couple of weeks,” replied Grandma.
‘”Grandma, what a hairy face you have,” said Red, as she took off her dress.
“It’s just a small side effect from the pills I’ve been taking since menopause,” replied Grandma.
“Grandma what a big mouth you have,” said Red, as she pulled down her stockings to reveal her supple, white young thighs.
“The better to eat you with, ha ha!” replied Grandma, who in fact was the Wolf. He pounced on Red with his large body victimizing her instantly, leaving her for dead on the floor in a new kind of red cloak.
The End
Table of Contents
Persimmion
The Damsel in the Well
The Black River
The Siren Ship
The Queen of Spades
The Gambler’s Lesson
The Salt Maiden
The Tumultuous Life of Rapunzel’s Parents
Red