by Lucian Clark
Jack was begging for us to stop. Pleading and crying for us to stop. For Gideon to just talk to him outside. I could see him out of the corner of my swelling eye, hands clasped over his mouth. Meticulously done make-up began to smear and run in a way I hadn’t seen in awhile. My heart sank long enough for Gideon to get another hit to my face with my nose crunching underneath.
Security pulled us apart, still swinging and growling. We were two feral cavemen with only blood on the mind. Blood that was pouring down my cheek and mouth. A coppery taste that made me spit without thinking. Gideon’s eye was beginning to swell, giving some definition to his flat face. Our chests and shoulders heaved and Gideon wheezed letting me know I got a few good shots in to match my bleeding face. Or his age was showing. I like to think that I had got a few good hits in.
“You all need to leave. Now. The police are on their way.” The security guards, who looked like they hadn’t had anything to do in their years at the aquarium, were breathing just as hard as we were. The one who spoke had his hands up in attempt to show he was peaceful. Gideon and I were at least half a foot taller and even Gideon was probably a good decade or two younger. Either one of us could easily take him if we wanted to. There was no way he could take either of us in a fight and he knew it.
“Fuck you.” I spit again at Gideon and turned to leave, offering my hand to Jack. “Fuck him. Let’s go.” My voice still hard as I spoke to the trembling mess that Jack had become.
Jack’s brown eyes turned from me and to Gideon. “I…” He whimpered, chewing over his lip until it was stained red with blood to match mine. “I…” He shifted his weight, rubbing his arms roughly, eyes rapidly darting between Gideon and I.
“Jack. Come.” Gideon called him like a dog. After wiping blood from his face onto his torn sleeve, Gideon waved him over. Jack locked eyes with me and they said everything I needed to know as he walked over to Gideon. In order to leave, they had to walk past me, with Jack clutching tightly to Gideon’s arm. Before they left through a fire exit, held open by the guard, Jack turned his head and mouthed to me. “I’m sorry.”
I was still there when the cops showed up. I gave my statement. No, I wasn’t pressing charges. Yes, I started the fight. I even gave them Gideon’s address so they could get a statement from him as well. While I was talking to the police, the security guard found a towel from somewhere to wipe my face with. As the cops left and I went to leave with them, the security guard took my dirty towel and shook his head.
“I hope she’s worth it.” He handed me my glasses and walked away without another word.
Returning to my car without Jack felt wrong. Everything felt wrong. I banged my bruised hands on the steering wheel while shouting any expletive I could think of to call Gideon. He had ruined everything. We had been so close, so goddamned close, and he swooped in and ruined it all because he could. Gideon had felt threatened, meaning that it was real. So real and so close that Gideon truly felt he was going to lose Jack.
Tears dotted my steering wheel and I wiped my nose on my sleeve, leaving a disgusting trail of snot and blood that would absolutely stain my favorite band shirt. What an idiot, I thought to myself before sniffling and tasting the bitter combination in the back of my throat. I could feel the ring biting into my ass as I shifted in my seat. The ring…
I removed it from my back pocket, letting it fall around my middle finger. It was way too small, not making it past my first knuckle. The stone caught the fading sun, shooting green tinted brilliance across the inside of my car. The way it glimmered in the dimming light made me sigh and think of Jack immediately before the fight. Immediately before our world had come crashing down. So happy, so peaceful and content. How Jack should be. Not that shaking and fearful mess he became the moment he saw Gideon.
Anger ripped through me and I threw the ring, hearing it ping off my windshield before disappearing in the trash under the passenger seat. A mix of empty coffee cups (something Jack demanded every morning), fast food bags, a condom wrapper or two (Jack was…adventurous to say the least), and Lord knows what else Jack had thrown down there. Memories of our happy and undisturbed moments together.
“I’ll find it later…” I mumbled to no one before reluctantly leaving the parking lot. Back to my empty apartment full of Jack’s things, left there unwillingly and for an unknown amount of time now. An endless sea of reminders of what should have been.
X.
After the fight, Jack texted me once to tell me to leave him alone. I tried to call but, the number was disconnected already. No matter how many time I tried I only got through to a robot telling me that the number was no longer in service. I returned to wait at Helena’s, but everything had changed there too. In the month we had ignored the bar for our own private activities, everyone seemed to grow cold. No longer did the bartender even try to serve me drinks as I spent the long, lonely hours there. This also meant I wasn’t scolded for bringing my own drinks to pass the time. I drove myself home more times than I probably should have.
Long lonely nights with no one to talk to. The bartender wouldn’t even try to make small talk with me and I tried. I tried and tried. Just the bottle to drown my sorrows in. Work wasn’t much help either. Hangovers are hard to work through and even when those stopped, there was no motivation there. What was the point to anything?
I would drive by Jack’s house to make sure he was still alive. The times I did see him, he was sitting on the porch, working in the garden, or silhouetted behind one of the many curtained windows. Every time my heart would slam into my throat. What if Gideon was home? What if someone started to recognize me or my car? Gideon was never there and I never dared to do more than drive by and pray Jack knew I was watching somehow.
On days I couldn’t see Jack, I parked my car outside. Never for long, at first at least. The driveway was empty, Gideon would be at work, so what was the danger? Even the video doorbell wouldn’t be able to pick me up from across the street, right? I would wait for about ten to thirty minutes before driving away, some days never getting a glimpse of Jack. Those days were the longest and the hardest. No confirmation to stop my mind from racing through the most awful possibilities.
Not this day though. I had just put my car in park when Jack walked outside. By the looks of the tools in his hand, the large, dark sunglasses and the comically large wide-brimmed hat on his head, he was about to work on the garden. A garden that was already weed free, methodically organized, and eerily perfect. Hedges not only elegantly trimmed, but also full of intricate designs that needed more upkeep than the garden did. The whole mansion looked like something out of a home and garden magazine. Jack stood out in dark contrast against the red door. A neighbor called from two doors down and Jack waved, shyly. He walked down the steps, watching each step as if it would suddenly fall out from under him. In his concentration he didn’t even notice the tools tumbling from his arms.
Instinctively, I opened my car door and went to step out. I had one leg out the door before I realized what I was doing. I got back into my car and shut the door. The noise caused Jack’s head to snap up and he saw me. Even with the sunglasses I knew our eyes were locked. An eternity passed as we stared at each other. A car drove by and the last thing I saw was that red door slamming shut, the gardening tools still left scattered on the porch stairs.
When I got home I tried Jack’s cellphone again.
“The number you have dialed is no longer in service.” The robot woman on the other end answered before disconnecting. Then my phone rang before I could even put it down.
“Jack!?” I answered without checking the caller ID.
“Judah. It’s Alex.” My heart sank. My boss.
“Oh, hey Alex.” I said, sinking into my couch.
“Listen, Judah, we need to talk.” That condescending tone. A tone I had gotten used to in my life lately. “Your work lately,” she continued, “it’s been less than…satisfactory.” She held that last word out for emphasis, making sure that I knew I wa
s in trouble.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m sorry, Alex. I just have some stuff going on and-”
“Sure, sure.” She interjected. “But, unfortunately, it’s caused too many delays. We’re already a week off from launch and have at least two weeks of work still to do.”
“I get it. I really do. I’ll crunch. Just, give me another day.” I pleaded. I couldn’t lose my job now too. Not after everything.
“Judah.” Did she really need to say my name so much? “I know about the fight. That man showed up here looking for you that day too.” She sounded scared for a moment. “And now this? It’s too much.” Had Gideon threatened her? My skin crawled with the violation.
“Alex, please. Just-”
“No, Judah. No more excuses. You’re fired.” Alex hung up the phone.
Not only had Gideon ruined Jack and I’s plans, he ruined my work life too. I had lost Jack and my job. My apartment would be next and where would I go then? Georgia wasn’t an option. The plan had been the only option. It remained the only option. But how? Tears rolled down my cheeks and my head hung heavy. I cried until my throat hurt. I cried until my eyes hurt. I cried until the snot dripped from my chin and onto my phone. I cried until I needed a drink. A strong one.
Helena’s looked strange lit up by the light of day. With no shadows to hide the fading exterior, the bar seemed even more run down than I had previously thought. The siding was faded in some places and brightly patched in others, creating a weird patchwork contrast against the pitch black door. Even the parking lot was filled with more weeds than I had noticed before. If I didn’t know better, I would have believed Helena’s had been abandoned for months. At least the sign looked more complete in the day. You couldn’t tell that most of the letters were no longer working. The bartender was still unlocking and unpacking when I walked in. He took one look at me and looked away before talking to the young woman behind the counter. She took a quick glance at me and I waved. She disappeared into the back. I sat down in the second to last seat before tapping my knuckles on the bar. My apartment was dry and I really needed a drink.
“Hey, can I-”
“No.” The bartender responded curtly before disappearing into the back as well. I hopped behind the bar, poured myself a double, and left a $20 on the register. The drink was already half gone by the time the bartender and his trainee came back out with several new bottles. Confusion filled the bartender’s face as he saw the money but then saw the quickly emptying drink before me. He groaned and just dropped the bottle in front of me before moving to restock. Mission accomplished.
With my last bit of cash gone, I switched to my debit card. And as long as it was swiping, I was drinking. The bottle had been drained a long time before and the bartender eyed me after every drink, wondering when to cut me off. Somehow, none of it seemed to matter. Guess whatever issue he had about giving me drinks before was over now. Money was money and from the looks of the outside, it was sorely needed. After what felt like the twentieth bathroom trip, the room wasn’t even beginning to spin. Was I paying for water? I snorted and took another drink, feeling the burn and confirming. Definitely not water.
Every time that door opened I would feel my heart leap into my throat, feeling a sudden rush hoping it was Jack. Each time it wasn’t and my heart dropped, I could feel the liquor sloshing around in my stomach like a stone dropped into Lush Lake.
My glass was empty and the world was finally swimming, just how I needed it. At first, I didn’t think he was real. Jack said nothing as he walked over to me, grabbing my keys out of my pocket, and left. He was wearing those giant reflective sunglasses which only meant one thing. In my drunken stupor, it took me a moment to realize who it was. I almost punched him, but he was halfway across the bar before I could even turn around. I followed wordlessly behind him – chasing a ghost.
“Jack?” He was nowhere to be found when I stumbled outside. Looking around, there was no sign he was even there until I noticed the lights on in my car. I definitely hadn’t left them this whole time. The night was cold, way too cold for April. With no jacket, I shivered and rubbed my arms. The temperature sobered me as I walked across the parking lot. Curled up on my passenger seat lay Jack with his forehead pressed against the cool window. I opened the driver’s side door and slid in. My keys dangled weakly in Jack’s already outstretched hand.
“Jack, I…” I wasn’t even sure what I was going to say. I’m sorry? I’m happy to see you? I’m an idiot? I almost got you killed? I don’t know. The hurt, strangled whimper from Jack told me everything I needed to know. Not now. The engine turned and we drove to my place with the only sound being Jack’s heavy breathing.
“I’m leaving him.” The words spilled out of Jack the moment he heard the door shut to the apartment. “I’m leaving him, Judah.” Jack stepped into my arms, face buried in my chest.
“I’m leaving him.” Jack repeated. That’s when I realized that he wasn’t telling me. He was convincing himself. Silently, I held him close. I didn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say. What could I say?
Jack swallowed hard. He bit his lip and air hissed past his teeth with a whistle. One of his teeth was broken. On his hand was a bright new ring. Even his earrings, dangling gold geometry, looked new. He removed his sunglasses and for the first time, I saw the true extent of Gideon’s damage. His eyes were red from burst blood vessels, their cause a bruise fading to a sickly green around his throat. Around his neck was a strip of black fabric, a pathetic attempt to hide the marks of Gideon’s abuse. This was the first time I had seen Jack outside without make-up too, which caused the bruises and cuts to stand out in bright contrast against his sickly pale skin.
He moved quietly to the bedroom, the bed creaking under his weight. His face was in his hands when I came into the bedroom. As I sat next to him, he recoiled for a moment before pressing himself into me. He was shaking.
“I can’t get it out of my mouth. I can’t get it out of my mouth.” He swallowed hard again. Like it was difficult. Like it hurt. “Judah… It’s all I can taste.” I turned pulling Jack into my lap. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. So, I let Jack explain what had happened in those weeks.
“When we came home, he didn’t say anything. He wouldn’t speak to me. He wouldn’t look at me.” Jack started to shake harder, pressing himself harder into me. “I…I…told him I was sorry. That I was just wrong and stupid. I told him what I thought he wanted to hear.” Jack clicked his tongue. “And…and he said ‘ok’. He went back to the Gideon I knew before. Back in the beginning, before we were married. We went out together. We went shopping. He listened to me. He…he seemed to finally understand what I needed.” Jack pulled away, wringing his hands in his lap. “It all went back to normal.” His breath whistled in and out of his parted lips.
“You…were going to stay?” My words didn’t hide my hurt. After everything he had risked, he was going to stay with Gideon? After all our plans? I lost everything and he was going to ignore that? Just up and ignore everything I had done for him in that month together and stay with Gideon?
“I…I’m sorry Judah. I…I don’t know what to say. I’ve been with Gideon forever! I…I couldn’t just throw it away!” Those bloodshot eyes stared at me – terrified. “He’s given me everything I have.” He chewed on his lip, pulling a scab off and causing it to bleed. His hand raised to his lip, and he tried to wipe away the blood but managed to only smear it across his face.
I opened my mouth to say something, but then shut it. Jack needed to know he was wrong. Gideon had given him nothing. Everything Gideon did was an empty gesture to maintain control. I stared into Jack’s eyes, taking in the bruises around his neck and the cuts on his face. There was the broken tooth and across his temple was a hastily glued together gash. My fingers reached out, letting my thumb gently run across the jagged scab. Jack had to know that he deserved better. He didn’t need me to try and convince him otherwise. Not right now.
“But…whenever
I tried to go out by myself, he would lose it. First, he was suspicious I was visiting you. He would follow me, even when I just went to go out to the garden.” Jack started to sob. “Then, every little thing turned into how I was cheating on him. He constantly hung it over me whenever I did anything wrong…”
“He showed me the photos. Of us together. He got more and more violent after that.” Jack continued. Slender fingers gently touched the bruise around his neck. While Jack had always been a nervous nail biter, every single one was bitten until it was red and angry. There was blood under what remained of his fingernails. His whole body shook and he gagged, running to the bathroom. The dry heaving could be heard from down the hall. Then silence.
I was in shock. Gideon really knew that Jack and I were having an affair from the beginning? He had photos of us having said affair. That would explain how he found us at the aquarium. How he seemed to just be watching from a distance. He wanted to see with his own eyes what he already knew. More concrete proof than what he already had. Put aside every doubt as to what was going on between Jack and I.
Gideon had been truly watching the whole time. My brain flashed back through every meeting and interaction with Jack, both in and outside of Helena’s. I thought of that car that drove by so slowly the night of Jack and I’s fight. Was that Gideon, checking in to see what his husband was really up to? Was Gideon watching now? Goose bumps crept up my arms at the thought of being watched in my own apartment. How? Where?
Jack shuffled back and laid down. More like deflated onto the bed. He curled up tightly against my back, trying to disappear into himself it looked like. And yet he continued on.
“I went out to get the mail once and ended up talking to the neighbor…I was gone too long.” Jack sighed heavily. “I was hoping I would see you again. Like I had earlier. Gideon got mad. We got into a fight. I told him that I was going to leave…” Jack’s voice became monotone. There was no emotion to the words he spoke next.