“Be right there,” I heard in a muffled voice.
Rachel and Freddy were laughing about something when they came down the stairs. Freddy was dressed in fashionable clothes and had a nice looking, pull-over sweater on that looked like it was expensive. I suddenly felt like my new clothes were inadequate. Rachel was still laughing when she looked up and saw that it was me. Her laughter stopped immediately.
“T….Tom. I…I had no idea it was you. How are you doin’ and how is Ben?” I knew I was probably the last person on earth she expected. She had just talked to Ben a couple of days ago and knew he was doing fine.
“I’m good, Rachel, and you?”
“Fine, just f…fine. You know Freddy.”
I offered my hand and Freddy took it, smiling with his perfect teeth. “Hello, Tom. Long time no see, pal.”
I’m not your pal, I was thinking. I would like to have gone upside his head with a two-by-four. Suddenly, I put a face on the hatred I had tried so hard to work up on the college boys that got to hang out with Rachel. The face was Freddy’s. I knew I had no right to feel that way. Freddy was being nice to me and it seemed genuine.
“Tom, it’s so good to see you,” Rachel said. “It’s been ages and I have missed all my old friends. Listen, Lizzie is fixing a big supper and you must stay.”
“No, ah….you already have company and I don’t want to impose. I just wanted to come by and say hello and let you know I’ll be leaving for awhile.”
“Oh, where are you goin’, Tom? Did you get a new job with that company you are workin’ for?”
“No, I’m joining the marines as soon as I get back to Atlanta.”
“No, you can’t do that!” Rachel said, too loudly. “I….I mean, who will watch after Ben if you’re gone?”
“Abby will take care of Ben. She is like a mother hen to both of us.”
“But….but, what if something happens to you? Why…it would kill Ben. And of course, we….ah….we would all miss you, too.”
I noticed Freddy was looking awkward. He was shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Hey, I’ll tell you what, Rach. Why don’t you take some time and catch up with Tom. I mean, you can see me almost anytime while you’re home. He’s goin’ off to fight a war and you might not see him for a long time.” All of a sudden I felt bad for wanting to hit Freddy with a two-by-four. I didn’t have to hate him after all. That was good, because I didn’t want to hate anybody.
“You don’t have to leave on my account, Freddy. I can come back some……”
“No, no. You two haven’t seen one another in a long time, Tom, and you’re leavin’. Now I won’t take no for an answer. You stay and y’all catch up on things. I’ll call you later Rachel.” Freddy walked to the front door and opened it. “And Tom, you take care of yourself and be careful, you here?”
“Thank you, Freddy. I will. You take care, too.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
After Freddy left, we all stood there awkwardly for what seemed like an eternity. Lizzie went back to the kitchen, but Mr. Winston hung around asking me questions about Atlanta and my thoughts on the Japanese attack. I could tell Rachel was making every subtle gesture she could come up with to try and get him to leave, but he wasn’t taking the hint. Finally, she just came right out with it.
“Papa, Tom came to see me. Do you think we could have a few minutes alone before supper?”
Mr. Winston looked like he was a little embarrassed. “Oh…sure, I’m sorry, you two. Sometimes when I get started, I don’t know when to stop.”
“That’s okay, Mr. Winston,” I said. “I enjoy talkin’ to you.”
Mr. Winston walked down the hall and went into his study. Now the butterflies in my stomach really became active. My throat felt like it had an enormous lump in it, and my palms were sweating. I was having trouble getting a deep breath. It was like I was breathing through a burlap sack or something.
“Could, ah…., could we go somewhere and talk alone?” I asked Rachel.
“Sure, Tom. We can go upstairs if you’d like.”
Rachel seemed like she was almost as nervous as I was. I didn’t know what to make of that. But, I guessed since we hadn’t seen each other in two years, it was only natural. I followed her up the winding staircase and was surprised when she led me into her bedroom. I was even more surprised when she shut the door. The room had a distinct, feminine smell that is hard to describe. There was a vanity table filled with make-up and all sorts of perfumes that Rachel seldom ever wore, or at least she didn’t used to. Her bed was covered with a canopy that reminded me of a mosquito net. I stood there, not knowing if I should sit down or not. There was only one chair in the room, unless you counted the little fragile chair that sat in front of her vanity. I certainly wasn’t about to sit there.
“We can have a seat on my bed, if you’d like,” Rachel said, her voice noticeably trembling.
“Okay,” I said, waiting for her to sit down first.
We sat there in silence for a minute, Rachel smiling and me fiddling with the fringe on the bedspread. “So, Tom, are you still likin’ your job? I heard you were makin’ good money.”
“Oh, yeah. I love it. I hate to have to leave it,” I answered.
“Tom, I really do wish you’d reconsider about joinin’ the military. You…you know how much Ben depends on you. Why he tells me all the time….”
“I depend on him more than he depends on me,” I said. “I probably would have never gotten the job without him. He impressed the foreman with his math skills…..”
“Don’t say that, Tom. You are very intelligent, and a hard worker. You would do well no matter what you decided to do.”
“Well, thank you, Rachel. I’m glad somebody thinks so,” I said, laughing a little. Since I had loosened up a little, I decided I might as well go ahead and just lay it all out before I lost what little nerve I had. We could make small talk for hours and I was afraid if I didn’t do it now, I never would.
“Rachel, uh…..there’s…..uh, there’s something I need to tell you. Ah…this ain’t gonna be easy for me, ‘cause I don’t have a lick of experience at it.”
“Okay, Tom. Wh…what did you want to tell me?”
“I wanted to let you know that…… I, well, I’ve felt this way a long time, and, well, nobody but Ben knows about it. But I really think a lot of you. I….I think you are the pr….prettiest girl in the world. And the nicest, too. I don’t expect you to feel the same way, of course, but….uh, I guess what I’m tryin’ to say is, I…I love you.” I couldn’t believe the words had come out of my mouth. But I immediately felt like I had a hundred pound sack of fertilizer taken off my shoulders and the lump in my throat had gotten smaller. Rachel just sat there, looking at me and smiling. Her face had become as red as her hair. I stood up and put my hands in my pockets.
“Well, now that I’ve made a fool of myself, I’ll be goin’. I just had to let you know how I felt before I left. I’d like to write you when I get a chance. But if you don’t want me to, well, I’ll understand.”
I slowly started walking toward the door. I reached for the knob and was about to turn it when Rachel spoke.
“Wait, Tom. Please don’t go. Come sit back down,…… please.”
I stopped and let go of the doorknob slowly. I didn’t expect anything good to come of it, but I walked back over to the bed and sat back down. I wish she had just let me walk away. It would have been much easier. Rachel looked down at the floor, avoiding eye contact. I knew what was coming.
“Tom, I…I want you to know how much what you just told me means to me. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world, knowing you feel that way. If I…..”
“I know what you’re gonna say. If you felt the same way as I did, you….”
“No, Tom, you’re wrong. You have it all wrong. I…I do feel the same way. I have for years. I just didn’t know if you felt that way.”
“I’ve loved you from the first time I saw you,” I said, suddenly emboldened
by what she’d just said. “I was just too bashful and ignorant to let you know. I was afraid you didn’t feel the same way.” We looked at each other and both started to laugh.
“I guess we were both fools,” Rachel said.
“I guess we were. But better late than never. Man, I feel like the luckiest man on earth. I was so afraid I was gonna leave here with a broken heart. You’ve made me very happy, Rachel. I know this isn‘t the way it was supposed to be. I was supposed to court you for a while with your daddy’s permission. We were supposed to go to church socials and picture shows and on picnics. I’m sorry for the abrupt way it happened. I just couldn’t leave without you knowin’.”
“I’m glad it happened like this, Tom. Now we don’t have to suffer through all the formalities,” she said laughing.
I took her by the hand and we just sat there for a long minute, looking at each other. “Would…ah, would it be alright if I kissed you?” I asked, feeling the butterflies again.
“I think that would be wonderful,” she said.
I put my hands on her face gently. I had no idea how to go about kissing a girl, but I wasted no time. There are no words in my vocabulary, or even in the English language, to describe how wonderful and natural it felt. It took no effort from either of us. We just melted into each other as if this were the way it was meant to be all along. It was as if there had been two spirits that had been aimlessly wandering the earth, each knowing there was another spirit somewhere that would make them whole if only they could find it. And now the long, lonely search was over. I didn’t want this moment to ever end.
After several minutes of total bliss without pause, we eventually found our voices again. I knew there was much more to be said and I didn’t have a lot of time to say it. I had just received the happiest news in my almost nineteen years on earth, and from the person who made me the happiest. Now, in two or three days, I was going to have to leave her. I thought I had found another reason to hate the Japs. Because of them I was going to be taken away from the person that I had just now found out was my soul mate and my destiny. But I decided I wasn’t going to spoil tonight with any talk of that kind. I was going to enjoy this night as if it were my last on earth.
“How long before supper is ready?” I asked Rachel.
“Probably a couple of hours. If you’re hungry we can probably find….”
“No, it’s not that. I just haven’t seen my aunt and uncle yet. I came straight from Uncle Joe’s store over here when I got off the bus. I couldn’t wait another minute to see you.”
“Well, go and see them for a little while. I’ll get Lizzie and Jim to hold off supper until you get back.”
“No, don’t do that. I’ll just leave now and go and say hello and leave my stuff. I’ll tell them you’ve invited me for supper. I’ll have plenty of time to spend with them tomorrow.” I kissed Rachel again and slowly, very slowly, got up. When I let go of her, I felt empty. Like I’d just let go of a part of myself.
*****
My aunt and uncle were glad to see me and I was just as glad to see them, though I couldn’t wait to leave. They asked me all kinds of questions about my job and what not. I didn’t want to tell them yet about my plans to join the marines. I knew if I did I’d never get away, and I had to get back to the Winston house. Aunt Mary Kate said she was going to stay up and wait for me to get home. She wanted to know all about Rachel and how she was doing since the terrible incident that had happened two years ago.
“I’ll probably be awful late getting in,” I told her. “Hadn’t you rather wait and talk in the morning?”
“Tom, you act like I ain’t never been up late. Why, me and you’re Uncle Lee used to stay up all night on Saturday nights playin’ Rook with your Uncle Joe and Aunt Jenny and whoever else wanted to play. A lot of times we wouldn’t quit ’til it was time to go to church on Sunday morning.” She looked at Uncle Lee. “We need to start doin’ that again, Lee. I love playin’ Rook, and you do too.”
“I’ve done got too old to stay up all night, Kate. There ain’t enough coffee in Jones County for me to stay up like we used to. We’d have to start playin’ in the middle of the day.”
I knew I had to go, so I told my aunt we’d talk when I got home if she was still up. She assured me she would be. I told them I’d see them later and rushed out the door to Uncle Lee’s truck.
*****
I never asked what the special occasion was for the delicious supper Lizzie had made, but it was the best meal I’d ever eaten. I didn’t think I would have an appetite with all that had happened with me and Rachel. I really would have liked to have skipped supper and gone straight back to her room, or anywhere we could be alone. But once I started eating, I realized how hungry I was. All that had gone in my belly the whole day were a few bites of breakfast and the little bit of cheese and crackers at the store.
When we’d finished eating, Mr. Winston lit a cigar and started bombarding me with questions again. I tried my best to be polite and answer them, but my answers were short and to the point. I think this time he got the hint and knew me and Rachel wanted to be alone.
After we had walked into the foyer, out of earshot, I asked Rachel if she would like to go for a ride.
“That would be great,” she said. “Is it still rainin’ out?”
“No, it quit a couple of hours ago. But it’s pretty chilly outside, so you’ll need a warm coat,” I answered.
We got in the truck and headed for Collinwood. We made small talk as I drove, her telling me about school and me telling her about Atlanta and my job, and of course Ben’s amazing success at Morehouse. Rachel had a look of surprise on her face that I could see from the streetlights in town, when I continued driving through Collinwood without slowing up. I had decided to drive down a little side road that led to my Uncle Lee’s pasture. I knew nobody would bother us there.
I parked the truck, but kept it running to keep the heater warm. We talked some more and of course did some more kissing. I wanted to catch up on all the kissing I had missed, above all else. After a while I couldn’t help but notice Rachel had something on her mind. I could sense it by the way her body had become rigid.
“What’s the matter, Rachel?” I asked her, hoping she wasn’t going to tell me she’d suddenly changed her mind.
“I was just thinking about you leaving in a couple of days. We’ve just declared our feelin’s for each other and now you’re gonna be gone. It just isn’t fair.”
“No, it’s not Rachel. I would almost forget the whole thing if I didn’t feel obligated to my country. I don’t know that I could live with myself if I knew other young men were dyin’ to protect my freedom while I was at home enjoyin’ myself. I know it’s hard for you to understand….”
“No, Tom. I understand completely. You are the kind of man that this country needs more of. You are a very noble person, Tom, and as much as I’d like to, I’d never ask you to go against your convictions.”
I let out a long sigh. “Rachel, it’s selfish of me to ask you to wait for me. You are a beautiful young woman who is surrounded by young men daily at school. I love you enough to tell you that if you don’t want to be obligated to a man who will be gone for who knows how long, or may never come back…..”
“Shut your mouth, Tom Martin! Don’t you ever let me here you talk like that again. You’re comin’ home, do you hear me? I won’t contemplate anything else. And when you do come home, I’ll be here waitin’.”
Although I was trying to be noble, and meant what I said, I breathed a sigh of relief when Rachel responded the way she did. I put both arms around her and squeezed her much to hard, but she didn’t complain. She felt so good in my arms I couldn’t help hugging her tightly. I wished there was a way I could just mold myself into her. After holding her tight for a few minutes, the rigid feeling she had before returned.
“Okay. I know there’s something else you wanna say. So what is it?”
She pulled away and moved to the other side of th
e seat as far away as she could get, leaning against the door and pressing her forehead against the cold glass of the window.
“There’s somethin’ I have to tell you, Tom. I know this is our first night together, but I want to start out with everything out in the open. I don’t want to ever keep anything from you. Nobody knows about this, at least around here, anyway, except Papa, Ben and Lizzie.”
She put her hands up to her face and started rubbing her forehead. I could tell whatever it was she wanted to tell me, she was dreading it terribly.
“Whatever it is, you can tell me, Rachel. Nothing you could say would change the way I feel about you, I promise.”
“What I’m about to tell you might, Tom. That’s why I want to get it over with.”
“Well, just tell me. Have you committed murder? Are you already secretly married to somebody else?” I was trying to lighten the mood a little.
“I had a child, Tom!” She said it fast and it came out as if it were one word. It was like she was going swimming in ice cold water and decided just to jump right in and get it over with.
“Y….you had a child?” I asked, thinking this had to be a joke.
“Yes. That’s the reason I went and stayed in Charleston with my brother. I couldn’t bare the shame, and I couldn’t ruin Papa’s name and reputation. It’s not what you’re thinking, though. It wasn’t conceived out of love by one of the local boys, I assure you. In fact it was the polar opposite.”
“Well, what happened then?” I asked, wishing she would just hurry and give me the whole story. Then it suddenly dawned on me. She had left just shortly after she was raped. “It was Rube Evans, wasn’t it?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
In the dim light of the truck, I could see her body trembling and I knew she was crying. I reached out and grabbed her, pulling her to me and hugging her and kissing her face. I could taste the salty tears that were rolling down her cheeks. I kissed her lips and brushed her hair away from her eyes. She was sobbing uncontrollably. The collar of her blouse and the cuffs of my shirt sleeves were wet with tears.
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