by J. B. Lynn
Tearing his gaze away from the horrific sight, Patrick cleared his throat. “I’ve got a couple extra jackets in the car.”
“Get them,” the Marshal ordered. “Now.”
Patrick headed back to the unmarked car.
“What happened here?” Templeton asked.
Making sure that my gaze didn’t slip anywhere near his pink boxer shorts, I looked him in the eye. He seemed genuinely concerned.
“We smelled gas.”
“We?” the marshal asked sharply.
I pointed at Piss who was pretending not to listen to the conversation as she groomed herself. “We?”
“Smart kitty,” Templeton approved.
“Ugly deformed creature,” Loretta sniffed dismissively.
The cat stopped licking her paw in order to glare at my scantily-clad aunt. “Bless your heart,” she meowed with saccharine sweetness. “That’s like the pot calling the kettle black.”
I chuckled.
“Bravo!” God cheered.
I laughed harder.
“What are you laughing at?” Loretta asked worriedly.
Unable to tell her that the cat had just said she, too, was an ugly, deformed creature, I just shrugged.
“Shock,” Templeton said. “The poor thing’s in shock.”
He stepped closer to wrap an arm around my shoulders. Not wanting to be touched by the nearly naked man in pink boxers, I stepped back. Still unsteady on my feet, I fell on my butt.
“You’re a woman of unparalleled grace,” the lizard groused, having barely escaped being crushed by my fall.
Patrick returned, thrusting oversized jackets at Loretta and Templeton while staring at me, sprawled in an undignified heap on the ground. “What happened?”
“She’s in shock,” Loretta told him with authority. “First she started laughing and then she fell over.”
“She can hear you,” I reminded her.
“We’ll have the EMTs check her out,” Marshal Griswald said. Stepping closer, he crouched down in front of me. “Did you notice anything strange before the explosion?”
“Besides the smell of gas?” I asked.
He nodded tightly.
I thought about it for a second. “I don’t think so.”
“You didn’t see anything? Hear anything?”
I shook my head.
He looked up at Patrick, who was staring down at us, his expression grim. “It’s not the way they usually get rid of their enemies.”
“Wait,” Loretta said, struggling to get into the jacket Patrick had provided like a magician struggles to get out of a straight jacket. “Are you saying someone tried to harm Maggie intentionally?”
The marshal straightened slowly. “We can’t rule out the possibility.”
“Oh my. Oh my!” Loretta began fanning herself.
“Catch her!” I yelled at Patrick.
To his credit, he moved quicker than a cat, and caught her as her eyes fluttered closed and she fell backward.
“She’s prone to fainting,” I said as Patrick carefully lowered her to the ground.
“Retta? Retta?” Templeton called, kneeling over his beloved and slapping her cheeks.
“Drama queen,” God muttered.
Ignoring my aunt and her histrionics, the marshal declared, “We’re going to put you in protective custody.”
Patrick, still crouched beside Loretta’s prone form, glanced over sharply, caught my eye, and gave a subtle shake of his head.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said slowly. I actually thought it sounded like a pretty good idea, but Patrick didn’t seem to agree so I followed his lead.
“Why not?” the marshal asked.
“Well, um…I have my pets to worry about.”
“Care take,” DeeDee agreed with an enthusiastic bark.
Patrick tilted his head in Loretta’s direction, indicating I should mention her.
“And then there’s my family,” I continued, my argument gaining strength. “What would happen to them? Are you going to guarantee their safety?”
Griswald frowned. I could practically read his thoughts on his face. No one in their right mind would volunteer to try to corral my crazy family.
Patrick stood up slowly, leaving Templeton to minister to Loretta. “We don’t even know if this is connected. This property has its own problems. The owners recently sold it so they can build a shopping center here.”
“Here?” I asked. I wouldn’t think this was the kind of neighborhood that would support a lot of stores. The busiest business around was the strip club. I shivered as a terrible thought occurred to me.
What if the developers were connected to the Delveccio brothers? What if that’s why they’d been in the neighborhood? What if they’d thought they’d kill two birds with one stone by blowing up the apartment complex while I was in it? They’d get rid of me and be able to go ahead with their development plans.
“Who bought it?” I asked, hoping no one would notice the way my voice cracked nervously.
“A real estate development company that fronts for the Delveccio crime family.” Griswald replied.
I swayed weakly. The Delveccios were involved.
The lizard obviously connected the same dots because he said, “You are so screwed.”
Chapter Two
After Loretta regained consciousness and the EMTs checked me out, Marshal Griswald and Detective Mulligan decided the best course of action was to transport us all to the B&B.
“Scare the marshal,” Piss prompted DeeDee.
The Doberman cocked her head to the side, confused. “Why?”
“So that Maggie and her man can have a moment together,” Piss explained patiently.
I shot her a grateful smile.
“Excellent idea,” God opined. “I approve.”
“Oh good,” Piss drawled sarcastically. “I so wanted your approval.”
Oblivious of the tension between the reptile and feline, DeeDee asked, “How scare?”
“Lunge at him!” God ordered. Leaping forward to illustrate his point.
“Growl at him.” Piss suggest mildly, licking her paw.
“Bare your teeth,” God suggested. He demonstrated the move.
Have you ever seen a lizard that’s only a couple of inches long bare it’s teeth? No? There’s a reason for that.
Piss swatted at God to shut him up. “We want him to ride in another car, not have Animal Control take her away.”
“Scare no DeeDee,” the dog lay down and covered her ears with her paws.
“You’ve got to do something,” God insisted.
I bent down so that I could whisper without the other humans hearing me and thinking I needed to go bunk with my mom at the mental institution. “Please? For me?”
“Sniff his crotch,” Piss suggested. “Keep sniffing it. Follow him around to sniff it. It won’t scare him, but it’ll make him real uncomfortable. Humans are strange about those things. They don’t like sniffing.”
“Not as good as the other idea,” God complained.
“Try,” DeeDee declared, getting to her feet, almost knocking me over. “Try Maggie.”
“Thank you.” I pressed a kiss to the side of her face and stood up.
She loped away, toward Marshal Griswald.
The four-legged creatures and I held our collective breath.
DeeDee walked right up to the U.S. Marshal and buried her nose in his crotch taking a deep whiff. Griswald tried to push her away, but the dog kept sniffing at him like he had a t-bone hidden in his briefs.
Piss chuckled softly as the poor guy kept trying to push the dog away to no avail. He turned a shade of pink you don't see too often on a man.
Everyone around them, Aunt Loretta, Templeton, a couple of EMTs, and another marshal, pretended not to notice the predicament he found himself in, but even as far away as I was, I could see they were all on the verge of laughter.
"Oh," God said grudgingly, "that does seem to be an effective p
lan."
Patrick who'd been a few paces away talking to some uniformed cops, turned around to see Griswald backing away, trying to escape the sniffing dog.
"DeeDee," Patrick warned sternly. "Stop that."
The dog hesitated, her head swiveling to first look at him and then to us.
"Don't stop now, you imbecile," God shouted at her.
"You're doing real good, Sugar," Piss purred.
Encouraged, DeeDee resumed her attack.
"Oh for chrissakes," Marshal Griswald roared, "put it in the car."
Unlike everyone else, Patrick made no attempt to cover his amusement. Chuckling, he grabbed DeeDee's collar. "Come on, girl. You're scaring the big bad U.S. Marshal."
"I wasn't scared," Griswald argued.
"Freaked out?" Patrick asked.
Ignoring him, Griswald asked Templeton. "Can you give me a ride back to the B&B?"
"Of course we can," Loretta cooed, batting her fake eyelashes at him.
Templeton just nodded.
"Mulligan you take the menagerie back to the Bed and Breakfast," Griswald shouted as Patrick let DeeDee into the car.
"Grass," DeeDee sighed happily.
Patrick glanced over at me, silently asking who I was going to ride with.
"Pick me up," Piss suggested. "If you're carrying me, they'll never ask you to ride with the marshal."
"Me first!" God ordered.
Bending down I scooped up the reptile and let him scramble onto my shoulder. Then the one-eyed cat leapt into my arms.
"You're quite devious." The lizard's tone was tinged with awe and distrust.
Nestling into my arms, the cat raised one shoulder in a lazy shrug. "I am a cat."
"We'll see you at the B&B." I moved toward Patrick's car with a cat purring against my chest and a lizard perched on my shoulder.
Griswald, Loretta, and Templeton all nodded.
Hurrying around the car, Patrick opened the passenger door for me. "You're doing great, Mags," he murmured.
"Put me on the dashboard," God demanded.
I put Piss down on the seat and she jumped down to the floor of the car, curling into a ball beneath the heat vent. "Ahhh," she sighed happily. "It's like a spa."
Patrick handed me a styrofoam coffee cup. It was empty.
"For the lizard," he said gently.
"I'm not riding in a cup." God protested.
"It's clean," Patrick said. "And it'll keep him from getting jostled around."
"Skin delicate," DeeDee reminded the lizard from her spot in the backseat.
"Fine," God harumphed, running down my arm and climbing into the cup.
"We'll put it into the cup holder," Patrick said, taking the container from me.
His fingers brushed mine, igniting an electric charge between us. I could tell he felt it too by the way he went stock-still, staring into my eyes as though he could see my soul. My heartbeat doubled and my mouth went dry. I couldn't look away from him. Couldn't move.
"Not in front of the marshal," Piss said.
She was right. Tearing my gaze away, I stumbled into the car, leaving Patrick to carry God and walk around the car to the driver's seat. Shaken by my reaction, my hand trembled as I struggled with my seatbelt.
"Take your time, Mags." Patrick said softly. "You had quite a scare."
Finally the seatbelt buckle clicked into place.
"Ready?"
I shrugged. "Do I have a choice?"
"Grass," DeeDee reminded me from the backseat.
"It's the only place I have to go," I muttered.
"You're angry?" Patrick asked, sliding the car into gear.
"It was bad enough that I had to move back there because of Katie...but now..." I blew out a puff of air like a bull about to charge.
Patrick nodded his understanding, but wisely didn't say anything.
The lizard did not follow his lead by staying quiet.
"It's a noble thing to make that sacrifice in order to retain custody of her," God corrected from inside the coffee cup, which made his voice echo oddly. "You've gone above and beyond in terms of doing what's best for your niece. Not everyone would have become a contract killer in order to pay her hospital bills."
My eyes prickled with tears. That had sounded like he was proud of me.
"Well I'll be," Piss purred at me feet. "The know-it-all just paid you a genuine compliment. I didn't think he had it in him."
"Nincompoop," God thundered.
The roller coaster of emotions was too much for me. I tried to hold back a pained wail but it tore through my throat. I made a horrible choking noise and started blubbering. Once the tears started, I couldn't stop them. Great shuddering sobs wracked me as I sat in the passenger seat, holding onto the door handle for support.
Alarmed, Patrick pulled over to the side of the road. He pulled me into his arms. "It's okay, Mags," he murmured into my hair.
"It's not!" I bawled. "I'm moving back in with the witches and I kill people and people are trying to kill me and I have no idea how to take care of K-K-Katie."
"Shhhh," he soothed, rubbing circles between my shoulder blades trying to get me to relax. "You're going to be fine. Your aunts may be crazy, but they love you and you love Katie so everything will work out."
"Promise?" I asked childishly.
"Everything's going to be fine, Mags. We don't know for sure if someone was trying to kill you by blowing up your place, or if it was just bad luck."
"The Delveccios were at my apartment," I confided.
He stiffened. “Plural?”
“Both,” I sniffled. “At the same time. It was a first for me.”
“I’ve never seen them together. Did they threaten you?”
I shook my head. “No. They were kinda nice actually. Checking to see if I was okay.”
“Did they say what they were doing there?”
“They said they were in the area on business.”
Patrick pressed a kiss to the top of my head and slowly sat back. “Must have been some pretty important business for both of them to be there.”
“I didn’t ask.”
He smiled approvingly. “Good girl.” He offered me his mint Lifesavers.
I tried to take a candy from the roll, but my hand was shaking too badly. He popped one out of the cylinder and lifted it to my mouth. Obediently I parted my lips. He slipped it onto my tongue and rubbed my lower lip with his thumb. Before I could close my mouth he closed the distance between us, pressing his mouth against mine.
I practically melted while he kept the pressure steady, letting me absorb his warmth and strength without involving our tongues.
“If we sit here all night Marshal Griswald is going to get suspicious,” God warned from his spot in the cup.
“He’s got a lot to say tonight.” Pulling away from me, Patrick leaned over to get a better look at the lizard.
“You have no idea,” I muttered.
Patrick quirked an eyebrow at me.
Before he could start thinking I was nuttier than my mom, who’s institutionalized, I quickly said, “We should get going. We don’t want to make Griswald suspicious. Rule Number One: Don’t get caught.”
Shaking his head, Patrick teased, “You’re very selective about what rules you choose to remember and when.”
“Rebel,” Piss drawled from where she was curled at my feet. “I like that about you, Sugar.”
Reaching down, I rubbed the spot between her ears.
“So you’re keeping the cat too?” Patrick pulled the car back onto the road, heading for the B&B.
“She saved my life,” I said a tad defensively. “Twice.” The one-eyed feline had launched herself at a man who’d been ready to kill me and she’d been the one to smell the gas in the apartment.
“She can afford to,” God groused. “She’s got seven lives.”
“Really?” DeeDee panted from the backseat. Peering over my shoulder, her breath hot on my cheek, she stared at the battered cat like she was more f
ascinating than a t-bone.
The cat narrowed her eyes. “P’shaw,” she meowed noncommittally.
I wondered what that was supposed to mean, but since Patrick was sitting beside me, I didn’t think it was the best time to ask for clarification.
“If he asks what took us so long, we’ll tell Griswald the dog had to pee,” Patrick said. “I don’t think he’ll question that. He seemed a bit freaked out by her.”
“My idea,” the cat reminded everyone, preening.
“The sniffing was a great idea,” I said appreciatively.
“Huh?” Patrick asked, sliding a sideways glance in my direction. Something pretty close to panic flashed in his green gaze.
“I said it was a great idea,” I muttered. “It gave us a couple of minutes alone.”
“You told her to go stick her nose in his crotch?” Patrick asked, a mixture of shock and disbelief making his voice squeak the tiniest of bits as he tightened his grip on the steering wheel as though he was trying to hold on to reality.
“I wouldn’t do that,” I assured him. Somehow I managed to keep a straight face as I did my best to make it look like he was the crazy one. “Besides I can barely get her to sit on command, what makes you think I could get her to go over to Griswald and sniff?”
Patrick nodded, his grip loosening on the wheel.
“What a save,” God drawled sarcastically.
I considered tossing his cup out the window.
Chapter Three
Even though it was the middle of the night, the Bed and Breakfast was lit up like Times Square when Patrick pulled to a stop in front of it.
I sighed heavily.
“Something wrong?” my redheaded murder mentor asked.
“I was hoping I could sneak in unnoticed, but it looks like everyone is up.”
“You didn’t really expect your aunt to keep quiet about your home blowing up, did you?”
I shrugged. “A girl can dream.”
“They have every right to be concerned about you,” Patrick chided gently. “Don’t do that thing you do.”
“What thing?”
“That thing where you avoid and/or push away. It’s annoying.”
I frowned.
“And not the least bit attractive,” he teased gently, chasing away my sullen expression.