Shakai began to laugh, as he reached out and touched her leg.
“You need anything?” he asked.
“No, I’m fine. I took some Excedrin already.”
“Oh, OK.” Shakai said as he looked at his watch. “Wow, it’s time for me to get out of here. I didn’t realize it was so late.”
Jordan stood up so he could get out of the bed. Shakai got up and went to put on his clothes that were laying across the chair. Jordan watched him as more of her memory of the previousevening came back to her. She remembered that he met her at the restaurant and they took a cab to her car. He drove her home and obviously came in. He helped her to her bedroom,and she started to touch on him. She still didn’t rememberall the details, but from what she remembered, the sex was good. She didn’t recall seeing any condoms, but she wasn’t sure if he got rid of it. As she thought about it, she was feeling embarrassedat how aggressive she was when they got to the bedroom.She slightly remembered not wanting him to leave her there and beginning to undress him. As the thoughts filled her memory, she just shook her head as if she was going to erase her memory like an Etch A Sketch toy.
Shakai was done getting dressed and was placing his cell phone on his clip. She watched him look at his phone and noticehis missed call. She was kind of hoping he would call him back right then so she could hear what they said, but then again she knew she would be way too uncomfortable for that. She was relieved when she saw him place his phone back on his clip. Once he was done putting on his black leather jacket, she stood up to walk him downstairs.
Once they got to the front door, he turned to give her a hug good-bye.
“Wait,” she said. “Did we use protection?”
He smirked, looking surprised that she’d asked that questionat that moment.
“I had a condom in my wallet.”
“Oh, OK. I was just checking. Sorry,” she said as she extendedher arms to hug him.
She watched him as he walked down the street. She didn’t know if he was taking a bus or walking to a cab stand. She didn’t want to ask because she wasn’t willing to drive him to where he needed to go. She had a headache and was still recovering from her evening. Besides, she needed some alone time to think about what the hell she was doing with herself.
36
It’s amazing how one moment life can be so great, and moments later the smallest thing can just wreck your entire day. Jordan had just spent the day with her mother, having lunch and helping her out with some things around the house. Days when Jordan was able to just spend time bonding with her mother, seeing eye to eye with one another, were always a great time for Jordan. She was so easily consumed by other things that she didn’t always take advantage of time with her mother, who had done so much for the woman she was. Jordan’s mother was strong, independent, and was the “take no nonsense”type of woman. Mrs. Moore’s strength made her rough around the edges sometimes, and she could make a smooth conversation difficult to have if she was in one of her “not in the” moods. So any time well spent with her mother was a treat for Jordan, because she knew one day in this harsh life she wouldn’t have her mother around anymore to help her grow and be there for her. Jordan wanted to make sure she didn’t look back and wish she hadn’t wasted a second.
So when Jordan left her mother’s house, she was in the best mood. She was in such a happy place, feeling appreciative of all the small things in life. She had decided that she was done with this wreck she was becoming, and she was going to get it togetherright away. No more random men, no more slipping up at work, and no more emotionally abusing herself. She was feelingback on top all from one day with her mother. Her mother was good at reminding her who she was on the inside—that was the reason she envied her mother’s strength so much. Jordanhadn’t felt this carefree in quite some time. That feeling lasted about an hour and a half.
It came to a halt not long after she sat her black behind in Estelle’s chair. One look at her head without the weave she had been wearing almost brought her to tears. Jordan was sittingthere staring in the mirror, unsure what to do. Jordan wasn’t attached to the weave; she had just started wearing weaves on occasion not too long ago. She would’ve chosen to wear her own natural hair anyway, but she had put the weave in out of convenience for her last vacation and become somewhat addictedto the convenience. What she didn’t know was the new expensive Brazilian weave crap does a hurting to your own hair.
She sat there in Estelle’s chair in shock.
“What am I supposed to do with this?”
“It doesn’t look that bad,” Estelle said back.
She ran her fingers through what was left of her hair. “I can’t believe this.”
“It’s not that bad.You’re just going to need a really good trim and a deep condition.”
All she could think about is how terrible she looked. No longer a married woman, her looks were even more important than they had been for several years. She always kept herself up for her own self, but being a single mother who was trying to keep a love life alive, she couldn’t afford to be looking busted.
“Estelle, I cannot walk around with my hair looking like this. I’m going to have to put the weave back in until my hair grows back in right,” Jordan said as she spun around in her salon chair.
“OK, well, you are going to have to run to Barbie’s and buy some hair and come right back.”
Jordan didn’t even take a second to contemplate the scenario;she hopped right out of the chair and grabbed her stuff.
“I’ll be right back,” she said to Estelle as she rushed out the door. She could hear Estelle laughing at the humor in the situation.Jordan was unable to laugh, because she was too upset about the condition of her hair.
Thirty minutes later, Jordan was sitting in Barbie’s Hair World waiting on her hair to be woven. She sat down and pulled out her BlackBerry to e-mail her sister and tell her the disaster with her hair, when she realized that there was an e-mail from Jayon in her inbox. She opened it up and read a generic message that read, “Hey there, just seeing how you are doing.” Jordanlooked back at the message, confused. She hadn’t spoken to Jayon in a while, and she wasn’t sure when she was going to be ready to. A part of her did want to speak with him, but another part knew that she didn’t have much good to say to him, so there wasn’t much of a point.
She was back at Estelle’s with her hair and her magazine, waiting to get her hair done. She looked back at her phone, and the last incoming message was still Jayon’s. She read it again, as if there was so much to the text. She pressed REPLY and began to type a message back. “I’m fine. Yourself?” she sent. Unsure if she should have responded, she was feeling nervous about her decision. She hadn’t had a pleasant conversation with Jayon in over a month. She tried to begin reading her magazine as if she wasn’t counting the seconds that it took him to reply. Finally, her phone vibrated in her lap. She looked at it, and it was Jayon’s reply. “That’s great to hear. I’m doing ok. Would be much better if me and you could sit down and talk.”
Jordan wasn’t quite ready for all that, and she was surprised he jumped right to the point like that without warming up or feeling her out yet. It actually angered Jordan some that he thought it was just that simple. Had he forgotten what he had done to her? At that moment, she regretted that she’d even replied to him in the first place. “I’m not ready for that, Jayon. Good you’re doing ok. Take care,” she typed back and sent.
Jordan realized that she couldn’t hold this heavy heart forever,and she had to eventually let go. She hadn’t been to church, and her mother reminded her that she needed to attend, now more than ever. Jordan made up her mind that that was just what she was going to do. After she sat there for a bit reading her magazine, Jayon replied. “I understand, Jordan, but I am hopingsoon we can just sit down and talk. That’s all I’m asking. But I’ll hit you up later. Have a good night.” Jordan read it and knew that she wasn’t responding, and he must have known as well.
A few hours later, Jordan was tired of
sitting in that uncomfortablechair, and she was dying to stretch out. She was done with her magazine, didn’t have a book on her, and was bored. She decided to call Marcus. The phone rang four times, and a man answered.
“Hello, can I speak to Marcus?” Jordan asked.
“You have the wrong number, and not to be rude, but can you have Marcus notify his friends? I’ve been getting calls all day for him.”
Jordan looked at her phone to make sure she’d dialed the number that she had for Marcus all along. It read his name in her phone, and it was the number she had been using for him since day one.
“OK, will do. Sorry,” she said.
She hung up the phone very confused, but she figured Marcus would just explain it to her later. So instead of dwelling on it, Jordan decided to watch the television show Estelle had on. It was something Jordan had never seen before, but it was better than just sitting there daydreaming.
Less than an hour later, Jordan’s hair was done, and she was looking ten times better, and feeling much better too. She paid Estelle, hopped in her car, and went home to her empty house.
37
Jordan was actually excited to go out on this date with Marcus.He had called and suggested going to catch a movie.The new Will Smith movie had come out and Marcus apparently remembered how much Jordan loved Will Smith and suggested they go see it. It was Saturday, and Jordan had spent most of the day cleaning up. Jason was coming back home next week, and she wanted the house to be nice and sparkly clean for him. Hours had gone by, and Jordan had cleaned the kitchen, all three bathrooms, and her bedroom. She was about to straighten up in the living room and dining room when she got a phone call from Tayese.
She wondered if she should answer. She didn’t really know what to say to her, even if she was calling to apologize. Jordan had been through a whole lot with her emotions, and having a friend who she once respected say the things that Tayese had said hurt Jordan. Although there may have been some truth to what Tayese said, as a friend, she could have said it differently. Jordan decided that she would speak to her at a later time and didn’t answer her phone.
Jordan went ahead and finished cleaning up the living room and the dining room, then went upstairs to start getting ready for her date. She put on a sea green button-down shirt, some high-waist dark blue jeans, and her brown boots with the sea green buttons. She applied her Mac makeup and combed down her wrap, applied some Dr. Miracles hair oil, and in less than an hour she was ready and looking fabulous. Marcus had called and said he would be there shortly, so Jordan went downstairs to put on her brown leather jacket and wait on the porch.
Marcus pulled up in a black Range Rover—a car that Jordanhadn’t seen before. Jordan walked toward the car with a smile on her face, excited to see Marcus. With all the dirt she had been doing, she wondered if he knew about her actions lately and if he would still be interested. She got in the car and sat down, and Marcus immediately turned the music lower. He didn’t give her a kiss or hug, he just patted her leg and said, “What’s up?”
“I’m good, sir,” she said as she buckled up.
Moments later they were riding on the Cross Island Parkwaylistening to Common’s new album. He had been telling her how good it was, and now was his chance to let her hear for herself. Marcus was bopping his head along to every beat coming through the speaker; you could tell he was loving the music. Jordan listened to the album carefully, and she had to admit it was pretty good. She had been a Common fan for years, but she had heard mixed reviews about his latest effort. She was happy to hear he was still staying true to himself.
Marcus pulled off the exit and drove down the road toward the movie theater. Jordan felt her phone vibrating and looked to see who it was. It was Donovan; he was calling from his cell phone. Jordan had been tempted to speak to him since her and Tayese’s argument, but she refrained. Although she would never accept him as a client at this point, she tried to show restraint in cursing him out. When she thought about it, she figured he may be flattered if she cared enough to call. Just seeing his name on her phone, she wanted to pick up and give him a piece of her mind. But with Marcus sitting right there, she knew she couldn’t go that route. So once again, Jordan let her phone go to voice mail.
The movie was good; Jordan really enjoyed it. She and Marcus walked to the car still talking about the movie, the stuff that was hot, and what confused them. It had been a while since Jordan had been on a real date, especially one where she was enjoying herself as she was now. Marcus suggested they go grab a bite to eat before they headed back home, and Jordan agreed. They drove a few blocks away to Benihana and went inside. Once they got inside, Marcus excused himself to go to the bathroom. While Jordan sat at the table alone, she decided to go ahead and check her voice mail.
There were few messages from her family, and then one from a colleague.The next message was from Tayese. She seemed to not be upset. However, her message was quite disturbing.
“Hi, Jordan. I was calling to apologize for what I said to you the other day. I understand that you’re going through a lot right now, and you aren’t all that happy. I, as a friend, should understand misery causes us to make mistakes. I spoke to Donovan, and he said that nothing happened between the two of you in the hotel that night. I don’t know what’s true. Maybe you just didn’t want me to have him, or maybe he is lying. Eitherway, I forgive you.”
Jordan couldn’t believe she was making it seem like she was some basket case. She was so pissed off, and she couldn’t believe that Donovan said that lie. The next message was from Donovan.
“Hey, Jordan. It’s me, Donovan. I wanted to talk to you about my corporation papers, so if you can give me a call I’d appreciate it. By the way, I spoke to Tayese; she told me some of what’s going on. There must be some kind of misunderstanding.Sorry about everything.”
Jordan was shocked at the nerve of him to be so bold and leave a message like everything was all right. Jordan didn’t even want to eat anymore; all she wanted to do was get home so she could call both of them and clear some stuff up. Marcus returnedfrom the bathroom.
“Are you OK?” he asked.
At that moment, Jordan wished that Marcus was Jayon. If he had been, she could tell him exactly what was wrong with her. She could just get it off her chest because he was her friend first. She didn’t know how Marcus would judge her or if what he would say would just make her more upset, so insteadshe just shrugged it off.
“Nothing,” she said.
She wanted to rush home at first, but after a Malibu pineappleon the rocks and some conversation, she changed her mind. She figured why should she let the negativity ruin her night. These days she needed to sit back with some good companyand enjoy herself without having to feel ashamed afterward.
The more time went by, the more charming Marcus seemed. He was funny, smart, successful, and tastefully good-looking. If Jordan didn’t have so many reasons to not be interested in a relationship,he would surely be the ideal candidate. Jordan may not have been fully honest with herself, because she did have some feelings for Marcus. She just knew they couldn’t be much of anything because she couldn’t afford to let the relationship grow into much more. She wanted to focus on her son, she wasn’t ready to open her heart again, and she definitely wasn’t willing to trust again. Until she could get her heart and home in order, she was better off just keeping her feelings contained.
38
“J, you are a grown woman.I understand that,but we are really worried about you,” Chrasey said.
Jordan couldn’t even defend herself. She knew that they had every reason to be worried. Hell, she was worried.
“I’m fine, guys,” she finally replied.
Jordan, Chrasey, and Dakota were sitting on the plush couch in Jordan’s living room for the first time in a very long time. During the Jayon days, they didn’t visit that much.
“Jordan, you are not being yourself lately, and I don’t think that you are evaluating your actions at all,” Chrasey said.
<
br /> “J, listen.You know I am the first to tell you that you live once. Even I can say you’re bugging out,” Dakota said.
“So now even Dakota ... queen of living in the moment, thinks I am having too much fun,” Jordan said.
“I don’t even do things like that anymore, Jordan. We are getting older, and we all have children to think about,” Dakota replied, a bit defensive. Before Jordan or Chrasey could respond,she added, “And you’re not having fun and you know it. You are just making yourself hate yourself.”
Jordan lost it. Tears began to roll down her face. Chrasey hit Dakota in code for “What you had to go and do that for?”
“No, she’s right,” Jordan whimpered.
“Jordan, no one is saying that you are doing anything wrong. We just don’t want you to—” Chrasey said.
“No, I am wrong,” Jordan interjected. “I have really been trying to just let go, to stop caring so much, but the truth is I do still care, and I am playing myself.”
“You are supposed to care, Jordan,” Chrasey said.
Dakota saw the look on Jordan’s face hadn’t lightened up any, and so she tried to make her statement in another way. “Jordan, I know that being free can be fun. I did it for how many years, and if I wasn’t too tired with Alijah, I’d probably still be running the street. But I know you, Jordan, and this isn’t you. This is going to be something you regret. I know Jayon hurt you—” Dakota was interrupted by Jordan’s reaction at that point.
Jordan was shaking her head and finally spoke. “You have no idea. I haven’t even dealt with that yet.”
“What do you mean?” Chrasey asked as tears fell from Jordan’sface.
Dakota stood up to grab a tissue from the Kleenex box on the end table.
“I can’t even think about him or what he did to me withoutfeeling a pain in the depth of my soul, and so I don’t think about it. I try to erase it like it never happened,” Jordan said as she tried to dry her face.
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