by London Casey
“What are you talking about?” I asked. “Are you leaving? You’re going to take off on me again?”
Aiden looked at me. “What is this? Us? Huh? I told you not to fuck up your job. I told you to leave me alone when it comes to my band and music.”
“But you quit!” I yelled.
“I didn’t fucking quit,” Aiden growled back. He walked through the kitchen. “I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was done with the road. The constant moving and running and fucking hiding. This is what I want. Right here. Right with you, Lily. Why can’t you get that?”
“I get that,” I said. “I just don’t… what if I don’t believe it? What if I don’t understand it? You just show up after five years… what was I supposed to do? Either kick you out or let you in. And if I let you in…”
My bottom lip started to quiver. I truly had no idea what was happening. We were both that messed up? We were both that scared?
“Aiden,” I whispered.
“You don’t believe me,” he said. “I let you down that much. Truth is, I don’t know why I suddenly came back. We were passing through and it was your birthday. The second I saw you, Lily, my heart swelled up. That’s when I decided to leave the band. So, yeah, I fucked them over. I fucked Jake over. I fucked up all the contracts and contacts. I’m not going to say I did it for you or because of you. You don’t deserve any guilt in this. But I did it. It’s how I do life. You know that. I live fast and I live hard. I move on. I do things. I…”
“I love you, Aiden,” I said. “And whatever kind of crazy you want, I want.”
“I just beat someone up for no reason.”
“Then go fix it. Apologize. Work it out. Let him beat you up. Whatever.”
Aiden moved to the door. He paused and looked at me. The look was one I’d never forget. Smoldering eyes, a chiseled-from-stone chin, scruff on his face. The dream I had for ten years, standing in front of me. The man I always wanted. The man I always needed.
“I love you, Lily,” he said. “I’m sorry things get fucked up when we collide.”
Story of our lives…
Aiden opened the door and was met by two police officers. “Ah shit.”
“That’s him!” the guy, still on the floor, yelled. “He attacked me!”
“He was harassing us, Officer,” Aiden said.
“He kept pounding on the door,” I said. “I felt threatened.”
Amazing how fast I was to defend Aiden.
The two officers looked at each other. “You attacked him?”
“I slammed the door on him,” Aiden said. “He continued to pound on it. I opened it again-”
“And he grabbed me!” the guy yelled. “Then he started beating me! I have it on my phone!”
The guy fumbled and played a video that was clear as day of Aiden beating the shit out of him. Punch after punch, the evil-sounding grunts coming from Aiden, a wild look on his face.
“Turn that off,” one of the officers snapped.
The guy listened.
“Call a medic,” the officer standing closest to Aiden said. “He needs to get checked out for stitches, probably a concussion, too.”
“I feel concussed!” the guy yelled. “Ouch!”
“Fuck you,” Aiden yelled.
“Hey,” the officer said and put a hand to Aiden’s chest. “Easy. Now we can do this calmly.”
“Do what?” I asked.
“Lily, go inside,” Aiden snapped.
“What’s happening?” I asked.
“Sir, place your hands behind your back,” the officer said. “You have the right…”
“No!” I yelled. “He was defending me! This guy was pounding on my door! Trying to get in! He was trying to hurt me!”
“Ma’am,” the officer said.
“Lily,” Aiden said. “Just go inside. I’ll take care of this.”
“Aiden…”
I stood and watched as the officer read Aiden his rights and cuffed him. The other officer tended to the guy on the floor. My body was shivering with ache and fear.
Aiden glanced at me - one last time. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to be the cause of your pain, Lily. You deserve more than all of this.”
Before I could speak - before I could tell him I loved him, that he didn’t cause me pain, that he was everything to me, that nothing else in the world mattered but him, that I wasn’t mad about what he did, that I would help bail him out of jail…
Before any of that, Aiden took a stand.
He hated being held back and locked down. Authority pissed him off. He had his own sense of justice and this wasn’t it.
I should have seen it coming and warned the officers.
With a quick wiggle, Aiden was out of the officer’s grip. He hurried forward and drove a knee into the guy’s face with one last defiant shot.
“Fuck!” the officer yelled. “Get him, Paul!”
Aiden turned and drove his knee into the face of the officer who had been helping the guy, spraying blood everywhere and knocking him down.
I screamed.
Aiden spun and threw his head forward, hitting the other officer.
“Stop!” I screamed. “Stop!”
I saw the officer grab for his gun. I tried to reach for his arm, knowing the stupid danger I was about to put myself in.
The officer drew his weapon as Aiden took off down the hallway.
As he got to the doors, they opened as the medics arrived.
“Stop him!” the officer yelled.
The medics dropped their bags as Aiden dropped his shoulders, looking for a fight.
He probably could have taken the two medics on, even in cuffs. But the officer put his gun away and traded it for a thin black stick that he rapped against the back of Aiden’s legs, making him scream and drop to his knees.
The officer put Aiden on his face and held him there, calling for more backup.
The scene played out like some fucking TV show, except it was right there in the hallway of my apartment building.
Soon the neighbors would come out, the officer yelling for them to go back inside. Soon three more officers would show up. They’d shackle Aiden’s ankles and carry him out of the building.
I wouldn’t have a chance to see him again…
It took another hour for the scene to clear out before I was back inside my apartment. I glanced at Aiden’s bag and broke down in tears.
I crashed to the floor and grabbed one of his shirts and hugged it, feeling pathetic at how desperate I was to smell him again.
A little bit later, my cell rang.
It was Sue.
“Sue,” I said, answering it. “You can’t believe…”
“I just reviewed all your accounts,” she said. “I’m sorry, Lily, but this is unacceptable.”
“I understand,” I said. “I’ve had some personal stuff the last…”
“We’re letting you go,” she said.
The words echoed in my head.
“Letting me go…?” I whispered.
“Yes. Letting you go. Fired.”
“I’m fired?”
“Totally fired,” Sue said. “I gave you a chance. I don’t play these games. I’ll need you to return the laptop and cell phone, then we’ll handle the exit…”
Her words faded off and I eventually just dropped the phone.
For a brief moment in my life, I had everything I ever wanted.
But it all slipped away.
Just like it did five years ago.
Would I have to wait another five years?
The answer was simple.
Yes.
Chapter 13
(Years Between Us)
PRESENT DAY
(LILY)
I felt like I had to vomit again. Not from illness, but from shock. Of all the things that could possibly go through my head, I thought about how I looked. There was nothing pleasant about a night of being sick, not to mention a long day of trying to recover. No shower. No makeup. Feeling and
looking half-dead.
And there was Aiden, standing at my open door, a little boy next to him. The boy held Aiden’s hand and with his free hand, he was nibbling at his fingers. He looked a little too old to be trying to suck his thumb, but that told me he was nervous as hell.
I blinked and focused on Aiden again.
“I know,” he said. “There’s years between us here, Lily. But I need to talk to you. I’m desperate.”
“Desperate. Um…”
“This is Felix,” Aiden said. “Hey, Felix, say hello to my friend Lily.”
Felix gave a quick wave.
“Aiden,” I said.
“Lily…”
“Wait,” I said. “I’m sick right now.”
“Sick?”
“I mean, really sick,” I said. “I had some kind of stomach thing. I don’t want to get anyone else sick.”
“You’re sick on your birthday?”
“Yeah.”
“That sucks,” Aiden said.
Better than ten years ago when some guy tried to drug me.
“It’s just a birthday,” I said. “I didn’t have anything planned.”
I thought about Eve and Paige. And Eve forever planning my birthday party for me.
“Yeah, sure. Look, I’m really sorry to just show up like this. You have a different number than before. It was easier to look up your address than find your cell number.”
“Yeah, I had to change my number. Um… I can give you my new one.”
Did I really just offer my number to him? Did I not remember what happened the last time I saw him?
“Yeah? I’d really like that. I swear, I didn’t plan on just showing up. Especially with Felix. But I could use your help. Your advice. I’m…”
There was something so different about Aiden, though. His demeanor. The way he spoke. He was softer, gentler, a man beaten down and humbled. I glanced at Felix again. Maybe having a kid did that to a man.
That’s when I felt a little sting of pain right through the center of my heart.
I had always dreamed that I would be the one with Aiden’s baby. That was supposed to be our plan together. He and I. Finding a way through all the fucked-up things in the world. Find a way to make it work and be together. Then we’d have our own place, our own family, everything as our own.
But time never seemed to want to work with us.
It was always just blocks of time followed by a chunk of time when we were ripped apart.
“I would talk,” I said. “But I’m not feeling well.”
“Do you need anything? I can run to the store for you.”
“No,” I said. “No, thank you. I’m okay.”
I thought about what time it was. A little kid shouldn’t be out this late.
Aiden pulled out his cell and I rattled off my number. Just like always, touching the fire, hoping I wouldn’t get burned. Aiden being the only man that had that kind of command over me. Five years since I last saw him and it took five seconds for me to give him my number.
“Can I give you a call tomorrow?” he asked. “I’ll check on you. See how you’re feeling.”
“Sure,” I said. “I mean… Aiden… can I ask you something?”
Oh, believe me, there were plenty of questions to ask. But I couldn’t help but keep looking at Felix. And thinking about the way Aiden said he was desperate.
“Ask away,” Aiden said.
“Are you okay?” I asked. “I mean, do you have somewhere to stay?”
“Stay?”
“I mean, somewhere to live,” I said.
“Are you asking me if I’m homeless?”
I swallowed hard. “No… yeah… I mean, it’s late. I haven’t seen you in five years. You have someone with you.”
Aiden slowly nodded. “Right. I never looked the part to be settled, huh? Always showing up randomly with a bag of stuff and no place to sleep. I get it.”
“I’m not trying to insult you,” I said.
“No, I get it, I really do,” Aiden said. He backed up and put his hand out. “I will, uh, give you a call tomorrow. Sorry to bother you, Lily. I hope you feel better.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“Come on, big guy,” Aiden said to Felix. “Let’s get you home.” Aiden looked at me. “Home, where we live.”
Aiden turned and walked to the door of the stairwell.
Felix looked back at me for a brief second as he shoved his fingers back into his mouth.
Then Aiden glanced back. “Happy Birthday, Lily… sorry I missed it.”
My body was tired but my heart and head weren’t. I was racing on the inside and pacing through my apartment. I couldn’t stop thinking about Aiden and Felix. It wasn’t my business to just jump at the question about Felix, but at the same time, Aiden was the one who just showed up.
Five years later. Again.
It was two hours after Aiden left that my phone buzzed.
A text message from a number I didn’t know.
Sorry about that, Lily. I’ll explain everything tomorrow.
I looked at the phone, wondering how to respond. So I did. Simple.
K
That was it for me. A letter. That was my response. Five years of nothing and I gave him a single letter.
My fingers quickly went back to work on the screen.
Aiden - I really didn’t expect you. I’m sorry if I seemed short. I hope I didn’t offend you. I didn’t mean to assume you were homeless. You showed up with a kid. Is Felix your kid? And what was so important? I only mentioned being sick so you didn’t get sick. Or Felix. The last time I saw you
My phone vibrated with another one of his texts.
Rest up, flower. Feel better.
Flower.
The one word that cut into a part of my heart full of scars. I had a rule when dating. If a guy ever compared my name to the flower, I ditched him. Because Aiden was the first to do it and that meant he was the only one allowed to do it.
I quickly highlighted everything I had written to Aiden and deleted it.
I put my phone down on the coffee table and forced myself to sit.
The one good thing about Aiden’s surprise arrival was it took my attention away from feeling like death.
He wanted to meet tomorrow.
This was how it always went for me and him. Randomly meeting up. Emotions exploding into wild lust and passion. Then something happening to rip it all away.
Like last time.
What happened with Aiden and his brother, Gabe. The fucking secret Aiden kept from me. The demon he let into his life and kept so well hidden under the bed. The phone call. The ambulance. The police. Standing on a sidewalk just before midnight, hugging myself in the cool air, the lights of the emergency vehicles flashing. Red, red, red, red, red. Voices yelling, arguing, everyone trying to get the story straight to figure out what had really happened so they could try…
I shut my eyes and shook my head.
Ever since I was thirteen, Aiden had been crashing my birthday, every five years. Now he was back again. And just like before, I wondered just how long it would last.
But here’s the thing - this time… it was for forever.
Chapter 14
(Silence…)
PRESENT DAY: HOURS AGO
(AIDEN)
I said I’d be there as quickly as possible.
First, I had to go with Big Mike and talk to Charlie’s sister about what had happened. It was pretty simple, as tragic as it was. Charlie decided to load up on nasty shit and kill himself. Big Mike wanted to assume it was a big accident, but I knew better. Sometimes it was just easier to give in and just go out with a bang. One last high. The ultimate high.
The problem was that Charlie’s sister wasn’t all that much better off than Charlie himself.
We went to the shithole apartment building, stepped over two people passed out in the stairwell, and went to the second floor. The entire place stunk of must, mold, and piss. In that order, too.
Big Mike hammered his bear paw to the door and yelled, “Hey, Beth, it’s Big Mike. You gotta open up.”
I stood with my hands in my pockets, flipping my chip, thinking about Felix. Poor kid. A life that was beautiful and precious but a life that came with such tragedy and just plain goddamn confusion. I should have just gone back home when Alice sent me that text. But I was worn down. Not the right thing to say when you were the one who was supposed to be raising the kid. What did that make me? Probably no better than my own father.
The door flew open and there stood Beth.
She had the same facial features as Charlie. Her hair was a sloppy mess of grease, half pulled back in a ponytail. Red blotches on her face. A cigarette well past its life hung between her lips. She was in some skimpy tank, hugging tight to her body. She was in a pair of panties that matched the tank top and a pair of black, fuzzy slippers.
“Huh?” she asked.
Her eyes were big and bloodshot.
She wrestled with the demon. Except she traded it in for a different one. She drank. And drank. And drank. Her only claim to fame as an alcoholic was that she never left the apartment, except to buy more booze. And then, she walked. To her, she could be a drunk, as long as she didn’t endanger anyone but herself.
Kudos to her, I guess.
“Beth,” Big Mike said. He reached out and plucked the cigarette from between her lips. “You’re going to burn yourself like this.”
“You came all the way here for that?”
“Can we come in and talk?” I asked.
That’s when Beth groaned. She looked over her shoulder. There was no hiding that her apartment had been left neglected. Empty bottles of booze, beer, wine scattered across the floor, tables, stands. The smell was something rotten and sticky.
“Charlie,” she whispered. “How bad is it?”
“Can we sit down?” Big Mike asked.
“That’s the dead talk,” she said.
“Beth…”
“Just give it to me straight,” she said.
“He’s dead,” I blurted out.
Big Mike looked at me, curling his lip.
“Fuck,” Beth said. “Come on in. Let’s have a drink to Charlie.”