John reached across the cushions and grabbed her hand. He rose, pulling her beside him. He cocked his head toward the French doors. “Come on.”
The air outside was still warm, the sun hanging low but bright in the sky. They descended the deck and crossed the lawn. Sunlight gave way to the shade of a towering maple tree as they wove through a maze of rhododendrons, ferns and hostas. A smooth-pebble path meandered through the shrubs, creating a pleasant crunching sound with every footfall, leading them to the old-fashioned hammock strung between the maple and a tree heavy with green apples.
John turned his back to the hammock as they approached and his eyes twinkled. “I’ve never got into one of these with a pregnant woman before, so we might flip over the other side.”
Sam grinned. “Okay, I’ve been warned.”
After climbing into the woven contraption, he held his hand to her, one of his feet anchored to the ground for balance. She carefully lowered herself into the hammock. It swayed dangerously and she prepared to fall, but suddenly she lay curled against John’s side, his arm secure around her.
She stared up at the mingling branches of maple and apple trees.
“How on earth did we manage that without falling on our butts?” she asked with a giggle.
He chuckled. “I have no idea.”
She cuddled closer to him and closed her eyes, letting the gentle sway of the hammock and the cool breeze through the trees soothe her. The tension that had held her hostage throughout dinner slowly crept away and serenity took its place. John’s hand grazed her arm in a rhythmic motion. How could she ever let him go?
She repressed a sigh and stared at the leaves. “Aren’t you afraid you’re going to get bonked on the head by an apple out here?”
His deep laughter shook the hammock. “Brian and I didn’t think about that when we strung this out. It just seemed the perfect spot.”
A croaking bullfrog serenaded them from somewhere near the maple tree. A cool breeze flitted across their bodies, rustling the leaves above and bringing out goosebumps on Sam’s arms. John pulled her closer, as if sensing her chill.
“John?” she asked after a while.
“Hmm?” he murmured into her hair.
“Tell me about your marriages. Why they ended. I mean, I know the first one was because you were both so young, but the second one… you never really said what happened.”
His body tensed beside her and she pictured his clenched jaw and the firm line of his mouth. “It was the whole issue of wanting children, remember?”
“You’ve said that, but—” She turned and peered at him. Although his expression was hard, pain filled his eyes. “Did you love her?”
“I thought I did. But love is so much more than lust and attraction. It’s about honesty and friendship and trust. It’s about commitment. Maybe because my parents had such a dysfunctional relationship, I just didn’t understand all that. When I was younger, if I was wildly attracted to someone, I assumed it was love. I was looking for something special, but didn’t know how to recognize it.” He sighed. “Until you see and experience true love, you can’t really know what it looks like, what it feels like. So you make mistakes. Most people have the brain cells to learn from their mistakes the first time. I didn’t. Took me a few times, unfortunately.” He batted at a branch and they both watched the leaves quiver and shake.
She rubbed her hand along his arm that held her. “Did you leave or did they?”
After a long moment, he said, “They did.”
“Because you wouldn’t change your mind about wanting kids?”
“Yes.” His jaw pulsed.
“Did you try to stop them?”
“What would have been the point? They deserved to have what they wanted. I couldn’t give that to them.”
“But didn’t they know how you felt about kids when they married you?”
He nodded, glancing away. “I was very upfront.”
She snuggled back into his arms. “That really stinks, John. You deserved better, not the other way around.”
“What do you mean?”
She twisted in his arms again, meeting his gaze. “If they’d truly loved you, they’d have stuck by you. They wouldn’t have given up on you.”
John kissed the tip of her nose, settling her back against his side. “Thanks for that, but in defense of them, of— of Kate—” He coughed once, and Sam wondered if he were trying to cover the slight catch she’d heard in his voice.
“What?” she prodded.
She felt the shake of his head by the way his chin rubbed against her hair.
“John.” She turned in his arms. “Something wonderful and magical has happened between us. We’ve been ignoring it, trying to minimize it in our minds, I think, but we’d be foolish not to acknowledge it now. Especially after today.”
She watched his jaw work for several moments before he spoke, his eyes not meeting hers. “I don’t know that acknowledging it would make a difference. It might just make the situation between us more difficult.”
“Why?”
“Because it won’t change anything.”
“It would for me.”
After a searching look, he glanced away. Batting at the branch again, he waited for it to still before he said, “You don’t know the whole story.”
“Tell me.”
He was silent for so long she thought he wouldn’t answer. “About me and Kate,” he started, and his voice caught. “There was a baby.”
Sam stopped breathing a moment.
“She told me she was on the pill, but she stopped taking it after we’d been married a couple of years. She thought if she got pregnant, I’d eventually come around. That maybe I was all talk about not wanting kids. She knew I’d be upset so she didn’t tell me right away. She waited until she was too far along in the pregnancy to, uh, turn back.”
“How far along was that?”
“Five months. She was tall and hid it well. I guess I just supposed she was gaining weight.”
Sam couldn’t help glancing at her own stomach. She was six months pregnant and there was no mistaking her condition for mere weight gain. “What was your reaction when you found out?”
“I was furious. I completely lost it, to tell you the truth. I was mad at her for lying to me. I was mad at her for going against my wishes. But most of all… I was scared to death.”
Sam’s brows furrowed. “Scared?”
“After the accident you and I were involved in, my dad visited me in jail. I’ve told you what a religious fanatic he was, well, he went on and on about how I’d pay for the rest of my life for the death of those little girls. An eye for an eye thing, you know?” His body stiffened beside her. “I knew from that moment on I would never risk having children.”
“Oh, God, John. Because of what your father said to you that night?” She turned in his tight hold to peer up at him.
He turned away. “I know it sounds stupid. I mean, it’s not like I expect the hand of God to strike down any kids I might have, but… I do believe what goes around comes around. I can’t take the chance my father was right.”
Sam closed her eyes, seeing the scared little boy he’d been when his father had spouted off his dire prediction. Almost afraid to hear the answer, she asked, “What happened with Kate?”
His deep breath pressed against her side. “I left. I had to get myself together, to come to grips with the situation. I planned to come back, I swear I did. But when I’d been gone about a week, I got a call from Kate’s sister. She told me Kate was in the hospital and had miscarried.”
“Oh, John. At five months?”
Again she felt his nod. “I rushed to the hospital and had to force her family to let me see her. She looked so pale in that bed. And so much hate filled her eyes. I hadn’t wanted that baby and now it was dead. She said it was my fault.”
Sam’s teeth clenched in anger toward this woman she’d never met. Losing a baby must be heart wrenching, but to blame your husband? �
�You blamed yourself, too, didn’t you? You thought your dad was right.” He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. “It was just a horrible coincidence, John.”
“But what if it wasn’t? That’s what I can’t get beyond. What if it wasn’t?” His breathing shook. “And I can’t let you take that chance with this baby.” He slid his hand to her belly. The baby rolled beneath his touch.
Was he right? Was there some “higher force” at work here? She could see how John might think so, but did she? She pondered that awhile. She knew he waited for her to say something. “If all those… bad things had never happened, what would you want to do now? With me, I mean?”
It hurt to even think that way. John rubbed his hand rubbed over her belly button. “I wouldn’t want to let you go again. I know that for certain. But—but those things did happen and I—”
She turned in his arms and the hammock swayed. Her expression was tender in the muted light. “John. Think of all the good things you’ve done with your life. Think of Brian. You told me yourself he’s becoming like a son to you. He’s done a three-sixty since coming to live with you. That should tell you something.”
Brian’s grinning face flashed through John’s mind and he couldn’t help smiling. Briefly. He shoved his free hand through his hair. “God. It’s all so complicated. I’ve come to really—” love you, he thought, “—care about you and can’t stand the thought of losing you, but I also can’t—” The image of him holding their child flashed in his mind, cutting off his words. A part of him froze in fear at the thought, but another part of him, maybe even a slightly bigger part, warmed to the toes. He blew out a loud breath. “I don’t know where to go from here. I’m… afraid to go on from here.”
His simple confession brought tears to Sam’s eyes. “Let’s just sit on this conversation for a while,” she said.
He pulled her close and the hammock swayed back and forth. Back and forth.
Chapter 22
“Ready… go,” the instructor said, clicking the stopwatch. Immediately, the women in the room began a rhythmic puffing, “Hee hee, whoo. Hee hee, whoo,” while their birth partners sat behind them and rubbed their shoulders or bellies.
Sam lay on her side, while Nina Garrett kneaded the small of her back with her knuckles. “That’s great, Sam,” she said. “You sound just like a pro.”
“Okay, contraction’s over,” said their instructor, Maggie. “Everyone relax.”
A bunch of groans and moans murmured, as the women in various late stages of pregnancy sat up and tried to make themselves more comfortable. Pushing herself into a seated position, Sam glanced around the room. Some of the mothers-to-be looked ready to give birth any second. That led her to thinking about her upcoming labor, and butterflies flitted through her belly. Could she do it? How bad would it hurt? Would she really forget the pain when it was over?
She shifted her position again and glanced at her friend. “Be honest, Nina. Does any of this really help?”
Nina smirked. “Well… let’s just say it doesn’t make it any worse. I have just one word for you.” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Epidural.”
After class as they walked to Sam’s car, Nina said, “You know, I kind of thought you’d ask John to be your coach.”
John’s image drifted into Sam’s mind and she sighed. For so long now she’d been content to live her life as a single woman, planning to raise this child alone, certain she was enough for both mommy and daddy. She had enough good friends so she wouldn’t feel lonely. She didn’t need a man to fulfill some old-fashioned sense of family. But these days whenever she thought of the future, she thought of John. When she pictured this baby growing up, taking its first steps, John was there. At the child’s first day of school, John was there. In her mind, he was there in every step of her child’s future. What did that tell her?
“Sam?” Nina stared at her from over the hood of her VW. “A little preoccupied with something, are we?”
Sam unlocked her car and they climbed inside. “What do you mean?”
“After I mentioned John’s name back there, you didn’t say a word the whole rest of the way to your car.”
Her friend was too astute. Sam sighed. “Sorry. We had an, ah, interesting conversation last weekend. I keep thinking about it.”
“What was the conversation about?”
God, how she wished she could tell Nina everything she and John had discussed. She’d love to run John’s “theory” past her oh-so-logical friend. But she couldn’t. It was between her and John alone. “We… were trying to decide if things could work between us. If a relationship is doable.”
Nina swiveled in her seat to stare. “Seriously?” At Sam’s nod, she said, “Oh, my.” She cleared her throat. “And what conclusion did you two reach?”
“We haven’t. We’re stepping back for a while to think about it.”
“I didn’t think he wanted kids.”
“He doesn’t.” Although, from what he’d told her last week, “wanting” kids wasn’t his problem. Traffic started trudging forward.
Nina pursed her lips. “I didn’t think he wanted to marry again.”
“He doesn’t. Or, he didn’t. We didn’t actually get that far in our talk.”
“And you. I’ve been listening to your soap box for years about how you love being single and want to raise a child by yourself with no help from a man, and—”
“Shut up, Nina.”
Nina threw her hands in the air. “I’m just saying if both of you are still so set in your ways, there’s probably nothing to discuss.”
Sam sighed again and bit her lip. If only it were that simple.
“Unless you love each other.” Nina stared at her across the console.
Sam swallowed but again said nothing.
“Well? Do you love him?”
After a moment, Sam let out a loud breath and nodded. “Painfully so.”
Nina covered her mouth with her hand. Her eyes filled with tears. “My God. I never thought I’d see the day. And John? Does he love you?”
“I think he might.”
Nina was silent a long time. “Well, you know what they say,” she finally said. “True love conquers all.”
“It’s not that simple. There’s a lot you don’t know about. A lot I can’t tell you.” She could tell Nina was studying her, trying to read her.
“If you love each other, things will work out somehow.”
Sam made a frustrated sound through her teeth. “It’s not that simple,” she said again, annoyed with her friend’s elementary take on the situation.
“Trust me.”
Sam wished she could.
A mangy black cat perched atop the overflowing garbage can and licked its paws, staring disinterestedly at the scene playing out in the alley. A drizzly rain pinged softly against the metal lid.
A derelict group of teenagers stood in two parallel lines between the buildings. Brian stood at the end with everyone facing him, his heart pounding in his chest. He swallowed back the bile in his throat, almost grimacing at the bitter taste. But he kept a straight, expressionless face. No fear. Don’t let them see your fear.
Boyo and Razor were last in line. Brian knew the toughest guys were always saved until last. They were the ones who’d recruited him into this gang, so it was fitting in a morbid sort of way that they would be the last to have a go at him.
He’d walked away from the initiation beating with nothing worse than a broken wrist and nose. Then later that night, Mr. E and Mr. D had beat the crap out of Earl.
He still felt kinda bad about that, letting them think Earl had hurt him. They’d have been so disappointed had they learned the truth behind his injuries. They’d have never understood why he’d joined and they’d have hated him. So he’d kept quiet about his involvement with this gang. But as the weeks went by and he and Mr. E grew closer, Brian knew he had to get out.
His gut clenched as he stepped between the lines, and Psycho cocked his fist for
the first strike. It hit Brian square across the cheek, knocking him back a step. Then the blows came regularly, hitting all over his body. Nothing was sacred, not his face, not his back, not his balls. Halfway down the line, he staggered from a punch to his temple and fell to his knees. Then they kicked him. His body contracted into the fetal position as kicks reigned onto him from every angle.
All the beatings he’d suffered under Earl’s hands had one positive effect — Brian had learned to block out the pain and withdraw into himself, as if the beatings were happening to someone else. This would all be worth it. He’d be free from the grips of these losers and could get on with his life. He should never have joined. If only he had known then what he knew now, that he had a future. One he looked forward to. Mr. E had seen to that. And that was worth any pain and injury these guys could inflict.
He realized the beating had stopped. Unfurling from his protective ball, he opened the eye that wasn’t swollen shut and saw the guys lined up on each side of him.
He’d made it. If he didn’t have two fat and spit lips, he might have smiled.
“Get up.”
Brian turned his head toward the cold voice. Razor glared at him.
“I said, get the fuck up, bitch. You ain’t done yet.”
“Huh?” Brian struggled to his knees. Two guys came over and jerked him to his feet. He swayed but was able to keep his balance.
Razor stalked toward him. “You ain’t gotten through me yet.” He cracked the knuckles of one hand and then the other. He wasn’t a big guy, but he inspired fear into anyone who messed with him.
Brian swallowed his dread and straightened as best he could, his body throbbing everywhere. Just one more. Just one more, and then it would be over. Then he’d be free and could go home.
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