by T. M. Clark
A cormorant flew past them and settled on the top of the mast. It surveyed the surrounds, looking for its next meal. ‘I’ll think about it,’ Joss said. ‘Especially now that I have Sophia.’
‘You do that. In the meantime, I’m fishing.’ Peta disappeared into the hatch, returning with two rods.
Joss grinned. ‘Guess it’s time to drop the anchor.’ He attended to the setting of the catamaran so she wouldn’t drift onto the rocks, then lifted the small bucket and tackle box next to him. ‘Bring those rods.’
They moved to the bow, where the soft lattice ropes made a comfortable cradle to lie on. He took the meat from the bucket and baited her hook for her.
‘Here you go. Your gillie has done well, madam?’ Joss mocked.
She laughed and took the rod from him. ‘And a great looking gillie you are too. You could be a bit friendlier with the guest, but you are forgiven for that. What would I do without you here? I still hate that part, and am forever grateful for anyone who baits the hook and guts the fish and does anything related to fishing. I’m glad that all I get to do is bring it in. Thanks.’ She cast off the starboard side and he did the same off the port. For a time they sat on the lattice, holding their rods, listening to the sounds from the water, the silence between them comfortable.
The cormorant flapped its wings and put them out to dry, squawking.
Peta let out a sigh. ‘Ah, how did I let so much time pass before coming and enjoying this again?’
‘Life tends to get in the way of these little pleasures.’
‘Your dad used to say that all the time. I remember when you found Ndhlovy. I was dreading Christmas because it was the first without my mum, then Aunty Leslie called my dad for help, and we came over. You had that tiny elephant, and were so determined to save it.’
‘I remember.’
‘That little elephant made me major in large animals in my degree.’
‘Really?’
‘Absolutely. She was the best thing that happened at that time. I was so lost.’ She spun her ring around her finger. ‘Then we saved her. And the matriarch and One-Tusk, the baby’s mother, came, and needed help. It got me thinking about the social interaction necessary for a herd, how they never got close to us, but accepted our help anyhow.’
‘She brought them back. When I was fourteen. One morning, they plodded into the lodge. It was as if One-Tusk needed the extra nourishment from the moringa trees to feed her new baby again. Ndhlovy was bigger, naughty. She still interacted with me more than the others, but the matriarch kept calling her away when I tried to play with her.’
‘Dad told me they’d returned. I was deep in exams then. I wish I could’ve visited to see her again.’
‘My dad said she came again the year I left for the marines. He said she’d walked around the lodge looking for me, and kept going to the back door, waiting. Something she’d never done before.’
‘That’s so sad.’
‘At the time I didn’t think anything of it. But when I was in Afghanistan, I would use the memory of her visits as a reason to keep going. Knowing that if I didn’t make it, she would forever be visiting and looking for me. I couldn’t let that happen. I had to come home to her and, the next time she visited, show her that I was okay and that I was alive.’
Peta reached out and touched his arm. ‘If she’s what helped you stay alive, I’m glad you knew she looked for you.’
‘Me too. My dad used to always tell me that they couldn’t stay; it was time for them to continue their journey – just because they chose to visit us didn’t mean Ndhlovy belonged to me. It meant that as a free animal, she chose to be my friend. He never understood that it was never about possession of her, more that I liked knowing she was doing okay as she grew older, that I’d helped her. That’s all I wanted to do in the marines. Make a difference. In the end, I’m not so sure we made any difference at all.’
‘I’m sure you did, even if you couldn’t measure it.’
‘Perhaps.’
‘You know, I did a paper on her when I was in uni, and the lecturer questioned everything about it, wanting to know how I knew they had a structure with such a small herd, and that they were intelligent enough to get help. It was a heated discussion, because I could back it from experience, and he hadn’t seen anything like that.’
‘I can imagine you giving stick to your lecturer. You were so good at telling Courtney and I what to do.’
‘I wasn’t! I just didn’t want you guys in constant trouble,’ Peta protested.
‘You were no fun. Good to see you’ve improved over the years,’ he joked.
‘Oh, I improved heaps, Joss Brennan! So did you.’
Joss looked over the water. ‘What happened with your paper?’
‘The lecturer came around. Actually, he’s taken to visiting me every July semester break, coming up to work at Matusadona as a volunteer.’
‘He’s probably got khaki fever around you,’ Joss said jokingly.
‘It’s not like that at all. He brings his wife, and they help with game counts and at the rhino research centre. He and I have talked about Ndhlovy and if I would recognise her, and if she would ever interact with humans again, now that she is grown. He says I should try to find her, do another paper ...’
‘I often wonder where she is now. If she made it into adulthood,’ Joss said.
‘I’m convinced that she would recognise us. I often look at the elephants in the national park and call out her name, seeing if any of them react. I’m almost certain that if she came back, she would know us. You especially. But I like to think me too.’
‘We can only hope. When I was in the desert getting my arse shot at, I used to close my eyes and see her, free in the Chizarira, perhaps with a baby herself. I would know that she was still waiting for me to come home.’
‘It must have been terrible out there. Not what you thought you were going to be doing at all.’
‘It wasn’t how I’d dreamt of it, but it wasn’t terrible. If I had the chance, I would do it all again. I would go back and fight without hesitation.’
Peta’s rod jumped in her hand and the spinner ran.
‘You hooked one,’ Joss said, as Peta moved to the fibreglass part of the deck and stood up. He wound in his line so that her fish wouldn’t get tangled in it. Soon she had landed a fat tiger fish, and Joss reached for it with the net, bringing it up onto the deck of the catamaran.
‘Careful of its teeth,’ Joss warned as he held its slippery body and took it out of the net, angling it slightly away from her.
‘Hell, I don’t remember them having such big ones,’ Peta said.
‘It’s a good size. Take it to eat or toss it back?’
‘Toss it back,’ Peta said.
The beautiful striped fish bit the line, and Joss let the wriggling creature go. The fish flip-flopped on the deck, then fell over the edge and into the water, its jaws still trying to bite anything it could get at.
Peta and Joss stared over the side after it was lost in the ripples its splash had created.
‘I’m getting a drink; you want one?’ Peta asked.
‘Sure, grab me whatever you’re having,’ he said. ‘I’ll rig up the shade cover or do you want to suntan?’
‘Shade is good. It’s going to be a hot one,’ Peta called as she disappeared into the galley.
Joss unfurled the tarp and soon had it secured in place. Peta returned and handed him a bottle.
‘Cheers,’ he said, clinking his bottle against hers.
‘Here’s to a new chapter for us all,’ Peta said. ‘Yours. Mine. Little Sophia’s. Whatever they might hold.’
‘I’ll drink to that.’
‘You know, I’m still in shock, but Sophia’s beautiful and if anyone can handle a little girl, it’s you, Joss.’
‘I’m not so sure. I’m thinking of paying the Australian-run orphanage in Bulawayo a visit, seeing what it’s like.’
‘You going to give her to an orphanage?’
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Joss frowned. ‘I need to see what it’s like there. Make sure that I’m doing the right thing by her.’
‘When you go to the orphanage, I can come with you if you like?’
‘I’d like that.’
‘The orphanages are full of children whose parents have died. Many of the children are HIV positive now too. It’s a sad situation.’
‘Sophia’s initial test said she was clear. And having lots of parentless kids is nothing new.’
Peta took a deep breath, then blew it out. ‘If you don’t want Sophia, would you consider me taking her? I would rather see her have a home with one of us than go into an institution, and I feel like I’ve missed the boat in the kids department. I’m thirty-two years old, and there are no prospects on the horizon. No one is going to accept me and my dad as a package deal, and I’m not prepared to get a turkey-baster baby from a stranger somewhere.’
Joss looked at Peta. ‘Your father would freak if you brought home a black child. He’s the biggest racist out, or at least he used to be.’
‘Worse since the war vets tried to kill him. Even so, I don’t know how long I’ll have him with me. Between the damage from that bullet and his Alzheimer’s, I lose a little more of the man he was every day.’
‘I’m so sorry about that, Peta.’ Joss laid a hand on her arm.
She smiled at him and didn’t pull away. ‘It’s hard sometimes, but what if he reacts positively to having a kid around the place, and it awakens something inside him? It could be a good change.’
‘It could. But she’ll be with us until at least the first few weeks into the New Year, so why not bring your dad and Tsessebe and join us for Christmas? Then we can see his reaction to her.’
Peta moved her arm until the back of her hand touched Joss’s. ‘Why do you think that you’re incapable of looking after Sophia?’
‘I’m a disabled single male,’ Joss said. ‘I live in a safari lodge in the middle of nowhere. She should have better than me as a father. She needs a family group.’
‘You’re coping with your disability; she will too. The only difference is she has you to help her along. You have Charmaine, and all the other workers in your lodge. How’s an orphanage going to be more homely than what you can give her?’
‘She’ll need to know about her customs, her roots,’ Joss said, turning her hand over in his and threading his fingers through hers.
‘You live in the ideal place for Sophia to learn all about those. It’s not as if you’re planning on taking her overseas, where she won’t have anyone to tell her. She’ll have plenty of people to help her with customs.’
Joss looked out at the water. ‘I don’t know anything about bringing up a child except what I read.’
Peta laughed and squeezed his hand. ‘Neither does any other parent.’
‘I guess one of my main worries is that welfare will take her from me because I’m white. So rather than have them come and take her and put her where they want, I want the chance to choose a place that I could visit, where I can keep an eye on her, one that is up to my standards. I want to have that choice before they take her away from me totally.’
‘Oh, Joss. Everything you have said pales in comparison to that. Welfare would be stupid to take her from you when you’re the one who can afford to have her. I’m sure that the chances of them interfering in her life if you choose to keep her are very slim. You already support so many in the area.’
Joss pulled his hand out of Peta’s and looked out at the water.
‘You okay?’
‘No, not really,’ he said quietly. ‘When Ndhlovy walked away from me into the bush to live her life, I thought that my heart would break. I thought I was losing her forever. It was like someone had a spoon and was trying to take my heart out of my chest with it. Now I know I didn’t understand what real loss felt like. I hurt so much when my parents were killed in that car crash. I was lost, empty. Directionless. Real loss shattered my heart. But I was employed by the military, so I had a purpose set out for me. I buried that pain deep down inside, and I continued with my job, knowing that accidents happen.’
‘Oh, Joss ...’ Peta put her arm over his shoulders and pulled him close to her. Slowly his arms came around her too. She shifted her weight and looked up into his face. ‘It’s okay, Joss. What are you thinking? You know you can tell me anything …’
‘I loved your sister, she was my best friend, and she was taken from me. After that happened, I swore that no woman would ever cause that type of pain in my heart again. When Courtney died, I was spaced out on drugs, but later, when the realisation that she was gone hit, I hurt. I hurt so bad that at one stage I didn’t want to get better, I wanted to be left to die. It’s not that I’m scared of death – I’ve seen enough of it to know that you can never escape it in the long run. Everyone dies. It’s living that’s so hard.
‘It’s the pain that comes with caring that I’m shit scared of. Of letting someone else into my life who will be taken away from me, because everyone I love seems to die. My parents. Courtney. I loved them and they were taken away.
‘What if I keep Sophia and love her like she deserves, and something happens to her too? I don’t know if I could survive that. I’m already in too deep emotionally with her to give her away. I knew on the very first day that she was wriggling into my heart, and I was beginning to care for her. I can’t leave her at an orphanage, no matter how nice it is. I already knew that I wanted to keep her when she arrived on my doorstep, but I have to make sure that’s what’s best for her, not what’s best for me.’
Peta smiled. ‘You can’t control life. You can’t control what happens to other people, but as a father, you can control what happens to Sophia. And you know what? You’re a survivor, Joss. If, God forbid, something happened to her, you would survive. It would be your life spent with her that would help you accept that hurt and make it part of you, and carry on. Because in remembering your folks and my sister, they live on. In your heart and in mine, and in the memories of anyone who knew them too. You have to live life and continue to experience it fully. You can’t stop loving people in case it hurts you. That’s an unhealthy attitude to have.’
Joss shook his head. ‘I know.’
‘This is about giving Sophia a loving home. Being her dad. Of course there’ll always be a risk, but if she was your biological child, those risks would still be there.’
‘Like I said, irrational. But who’s to say that I’m what’s best for her? She doesn’t get to choose.’
‘Biological fathers don’t get to make the choice for their child. Their children don’t get that luxury either. You’re lucky. Sophia needs you in her life, Joss, but only you can decide if you need her.’
He was quiet before he looked at her and smiled. ‘My choice is already made. We’re already family, Sophia and I, but I still need to follow up with that orphanage, as a back-up plan. I have to make sure I’m doing what is right for her, putting her needs above mine.’
Peta put her forehead against his. ‘You’ll be an amazing dad.’
‘If something happens to me, would you consider being Sophia’s legal guardian?’
‘In a heartbeat,’ Peta whispered. She hugged him to her. Of all the scenarios she had dreamt about as a kid, never had they included being in Joss’s arms on The Ladies’ Plan, talking about Sophia and families. The thought sent shivers across her chest and into the bottom of her stomach.
‘You do know that thirty-two isn’t old for a woman. You’re not an old maid yet.’
Peta pulled away. ‘I know, but can you imagine trying to fit an ordinary man into my life? I live in the bush and travel whenever there’s a hurt animal. No matter what plans I make, they always get disrupted because some elephant or rhino needs me. He’d feel second place in my life. Besides, I can’t ever move from my home, or leave my dad. He might live for another twenty or even forty years, and every day I’ll be reminding him who I am. If I bring a new man into the fold, he would get ev
en more confused. It’s never going to happen.’
Joss stared out across the water. ‘You could still meet someone with the same interests as you.’
‘And move to their farm? Be tossed off by war vets? I don’t think so.’ She shook her head.
‘There are other countries. You do get visitors passing through the park – plenty of opportunity to let them fall in love with the khaki chick.’
Peta shook her head. ‘I’m happy that you came home. At least now I have a friend close by again.’
‘I’m grateful for that too.’
‘I want to show you something.’
‘Cloak and dagger stuff?’ Joss said.
‘A little. It was on the computer that I took from the camp where the lion killed that man, Kenneth Hunt.’
‘You stole evidence?’
Peta shook her head. ‘I told Gideon Mthemba, Amos’s cousin who’s the member in charge at Binga, that I needed that computer after the police had taken Kenneth Hunt’s body and everything out of the park, because I didn’t want the animal information sold to anyone. He was happy for me to hold on to it for a while. They had another body to collect in the lands east of the park that day and were worried about it being stolen.’
She disappeared downstairs and came up with the backpack she’d brought on board. She took out a folder and unfolded an A3 page. ‘This map was one of the files that were open on his computer.’ She passed the map to Joss and pointed. ‘This is the place near where we found Kenneth’s body. I think that Kenneth has something to do with my white crosses.’