Letting my eyes drop closed, I strummed a quiet, subdued chord and pressed my mouth to the mic. On a breath, I let the words bleed free, and my voice filled the confines of the quiet club.
It seeped out into the darkness.
When I sang…I always felt so incredibly alone.
Just like I deserved.
Because this nightly tribute was nothing less than a penance.
A fucked-up retribution.
Atonement I would never earn.
Yet tonight, when normally my spirit would feel like it was detached, hovering somewhere afar, I felt grounded.
Wound up in a calmed frenzy.
Tied to a violent peace.
Shivers slithered across my skin, and my throat grew tight as I was hit by wave after wave of a severity I couldn’t shake. Something deep and compelling and just out of reach.
I struggled through the lyrics. Ones that were intensely private, yet blameless to the innocent ear.
I guess there was typically comfort in that.
I was nothing more than a stranger who sang his forgettable song. One he personally would never forget.
Could never forget.
But tonight I felt exposed.
Pried open and picked apart.
Awareness pricked at my subconscious. It grew dense. Thick. Like I was rushed with an undercurrent of energy that pounded in my ears and thundered my heart.
No longer able to fight it, my eyes flew open while I did my all to keep playing his song.
And it didn’t matter that I stared out into a dusky haze where the lights were cast low, faces lost in shadows and bodies obscured in mystery.
It was unmistakable.
The horror and pain that watched me from where she’d stumbled to standing next to one of the tall, round tables.
She clutched her stomach.
Like she could shield herself from my assault.
From my presence.
And it felt like torment and fate.
My throat finally fully locked up and the song came to a jilted end.
She exhaled a tortured breath that I swore I breathed.
Those pale blue eyes glittered in the light.
Edie.
Do you know what it feels like to stand at the precipice of life?
Teetering on the edge of the here and now?
You know in your gut you’re only one fumbled step away until you’re in a free fall.
Tumbling down, down, down.
On a direct collision course with your past.
Even when you’ve done everything in your power to leave it behind.
So damned careful not to travel the same roads littered with mistakes and regrets and unbearable pain.
And there those roads were.
Circling right back around again.
Bringing you face to face with the past you’d give anything to forget.
Forcing you to face everything you’d ever wanted and the one thing you could never have.
Hit with a wave of weakness, my legs trembled and shook as I tottered right at that sharp, craggy ledge.
Feet slipping as the world crumbled out from under me.
My hand shot out to the back of the chair to keep myself from falling.
To keep from falling just as fast and hard as I’d so naively done before.
Only this time I knew firsthand how bad it would hurt when I hit the bottom.
Strains of his guitar moved through the suffocating air.
But it was his voice…that unforgettable voice that washed over me exactly the way it once had.
With comfort and joy and an aching hope.
Yet at the same time, it sounded so different.
Deeper.
Darker.
Raspier.
A voice that held the power to slow my movements. As if all things were set to pause, and I was caught up in a time and space that didn’t move.
A space that contained only him and me and the heartbreaking song he played.
“Edie.” Jed just barely broke through the trance, through his voice and his song and the thunder he had pounding in my heart and in my ears. Jed tried to get in my line of sight as he leaned forward in his stool. “Edie, tell me what’s wrong. You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Are you not feeling well?”
I almost laughed.
Because Jed was right.
I had to be standing at the feet of an apparition.
The boy was all aglow in a halo of light, his melodic words a haunting harmony that wrapped me in tendrils of languishing comfort.
The way they always had.
Soothing while I got caught up in his snare.
I hadn’t seen him since the night this broken boy had crushed the fragile piece of myself I’d given him.
Only Austin Stone was no longer a boy.
A desire I had no right to feel burned bright in my belly and thrummed through my veins.
Like a simmer of sin.
Forbidden and foolish.
As a teenager, Austin had been tall and gangly.
Like he was just itching to grow into his skin.
And God, it seemed almost cruel in the way he had. Like he’d been sent with the sole purpose to torment my judgement and resolve.
The lanky boy who’d towered over me had to have gained at least another two inches. His light brown hair was still short on the sides and back, longer on top. Like it’d done before, it hinted that frustrated fingers had been tugging and pulling at it for most of the day.
But it was the way his shoulders had filled out and now pressed and bunched beneath his fitted T-shirt that screamed he was all man.
The way his wide chest expanded with each breath.
The sultry twist of his full lips and the sharp curve of his jaw.
The way those big, strong hands wrapped around his guitar.
Not to mention the intricate ink that now covered the exposed skin of his arms.
His powerful presence slammed into me like a dark storm.
Ominous. Sinister. Threatening.
The room spun again. Or maybe it was my head.
Four years gone.
Four years of heartache and hiding and regret.
And there sat the only boy I’d ever loved a handful of feet away.
“Edie…goddamn it…you’re scaring me. Tell me what the hell is going on.”
Jed was suddenly standing at my side, at the ready to chase away any threat. To take care of me the way he had when I’d come crawling into this city.
But it didn’t matter.
The only thing I saw was him.
I knew it the moment he felt me. It was as if I’d pried his eyes open with the mere strength of my presence. Those earthy, poetic eyes that didn’t know if they wanted to be green or grey.
For the briefest flash of a second, they widened in shock, before the moment was gone and awareness took hold.
Even from across the darkened space, that roiling grey shouted a thousand secrets and concealed a million regrets.
My chest squeezed. Painfully. In want and hate and horror.
How was it possible he still made me feel this way?
Grasping my stomach, I took a fumbled step back.
Away from that ledge.
Just as his song came to a staggered end.
“Edie.” I could hear my name escape as a breath from Austin’s lips, an echo from the mic that reverberated from the speakers.
A ripple of confusion rolled through the bar as his stool screeched when he pushed to stand.
That was my cue.
I had to get out of there.
Protect myself the only way I knew how.
I turned and ran.
Because running was what I did best.
I shoved through the groups of people crowding the tall round tables at the foot of the stage, and escaped out through the accordion wall of windows into the night.
Cool air whipped across my face as I hit the wooden planks, and I gasped for a breath, ignoring the s
tares of those who were trying to enjoy the quiet where they relaxed at the secluded tables outside.
Ropes of globe lights were strung up beneath the trellised patio that overlooked the churning sea.
The sea.
An ache I could only feel for this boy slammed me hard, just as hard as the realization.
Those old, old wounds that locked up his tongue but were still so blatantly clear.
God. How badly had I wanted to wipe them away? To fill up the hollowed out hole that gaped from within him, insert myself as a balm the same way as he’d sought to heal me?
But that was before he’d turned right around and thrown all my hurt back in my face.
Above me, the strands of lights twinkled and danced, as if they were one with the stars that shimmered from above.
Beneath them I felt so small.
Exposed.
“Edie.”
The desperation in his voice hit me like fiery darts, and I gasped out a breath and pushed myself harder. I rounded the side of the patio and hit the walkway that led to the parking lot out front.
Where I was going, I didn’t really know.
Away.
That was it.
Just away.
“Wait.”
The anguished call pelted me from behind.
Wait.
Oh God.
I gulped, trying to fight the moisture I could feel welling in my eyes. The helplessness that set in as I fought for that elusive escape.
I should have known. Should have known one day it would all catch up to me.
“Edie…please…just…wait.”
I gripped the railing as if it might propel me forward. Instead, my footsteps faltered and slowed. I stood facing away, my back heaving as his consuming presence rose over me from behind.
“Please.” This time it was a whisper. A plea.
Sincere.
Slowly I turned.
Drawn.
He’d always been my weakness.
Austin stood at the end of the walkway, just outside the reach of the lights, his body obscured in shadows.
Even larger than I’d imagined when I’d first seen him up on stage.
So foreign.
So familiar.
My heart ached. Because I was looking at the boy who’d been my best friend. The one person who I’d thought would completely understand. One who wouldn’t judge or make it hurt more than it already did.
He’d been my safety.
My haven.
Until he’d dragged me right back into hell.
“Why are you here?” My words cracked. “H-h-how…how did you find me?”
I saw the shake of his head, and he took a single step forward, out of the shadows and into the glow of the single lamp attached high on the exterior wall that lit the way.
It hit him like a spotlight.
The boy was so beautiful.
It was a threatening kind of beauty, a whorl of mystery and pain, sharp lines and corded muscle.
It almost dropped me to my knees.
He fisted his hands at his sides. The question was strained, hard as it pressed from his mouth. “You believe in fate, Edie?”
Old grief I’d bottled for so long burst. It came out as some kind of maniacal cry. Incredulous. Oozing disbelief. “After everything that happened…that’s what you’re going to ask me?”
“Edie…I—”
“Do you have any idea how badly you hurt me?” I cut him off, my own hands fisting as I took a single step forward. “The damage you caused? Careless words, Austin. So fucking careless, thrown out there without a single thought to the repercussions, without any consideration of how they would affect me. How they would change my life. You promised.” My brow twisted with the accusation. “And now you have the nerve to stand there and ask me if I believe in fate?”
I swallowed hard, shook my head. “You can go straight to hell, Austin Stone.”
When I was fourteen, I’d promised myself I’d never give up control again. Never would I put myself in a situation where I was helpless. Powerless. I’d never again allow myself to be left without a choice.
And Austin Stone had whittled me down until I’d relinquished it all to him.
I trusted him.
He laughed, but there was zero humor behind it. “Come on, Edie. You can do better than that, can’t you? Considering you know hell is exactly where I’ve been all along, and you and I both know I deserve so much worse. And yeah…those words were reckless, but you know they weren’t heedless. You couldn’t expect me to just stand there. Not with him. Not with what he was saying. Implying. I couldn’t.” The last cracked on the emphasis.
I felt as if every cell in my body was being crushed. Squeezed so tight there was no chance but for everything to implode. “And because you lost it, I lost it all. You. My home. My future.”
His big hands fisted. “I know. I…I fucked it up, Edie. Warned you, I do. That I would.”
But what he failed to say was he’d promised he wouldn’t fuck it up with me.
I couldn’t tell if I was relieved or terrified when Jed suddenly rounded the corner. His sister, Blaire, was hot on his heels.
Knowing her, she’d been trying to hold him back, to give me the moment I so clearly needed.
“Edie,” Jed gushed out in relief when he saw me. He came to a stop a few steps behind Austin.
As if he’d just stepped into the bristling intensity and it tripped up his feet.
The stand-off.
The war.
Austin standing there? I knew that’s exactly what this was going to be.
“What the hell is going on here?” Jed demanded. His voice twisted into a threat. He glared at the back of Austin’s head, worried eyes flicking to me, hardening when they snapped back to Austin.
Blaire tugged at his arm. “Jed…I told you to give her a minute. Sometimes you need to let people sort out their own issues.”
Jed just grunted and shrugged off her arm.
Refusing to budge.
Austin swung his head to look behind him. When he did, his face shifted to the side, all those hard, beautiful lines exposed in profile. His expression wound into a bitter sneer. “Nah, man. All’s good here. Just telling an old friend hi. Isn’t that right, Edie?”
Aggression curled between them.
Alive and raging.
Jed was a burly, beefy, hulk of a man. A full beard covered most of his face, his brown hair cut short at the sides and longer on top.
Had I ever imagined him and Austin going toe to toe, I would have put all my money on Jed.
Now I wasn’t so sure.
Jed lifted his chin, as if for the moment he was standing down, turning to me as his tone softened. “You okay, Edie?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
Lie. Lie. Lie.
I was shaken to my core.
“I just want to go home.” It left me on a desperate breath.
Desperate to run.
Desperate to hide.
Because I didn’t know how to face this.
All the memories we’d made. The hurt he’d inflicted. The hope he had crushed.
The love that had never dimmed.
It all stared back at me now, held in the depths of those tumultuous eyes that always saw far too much.
Jed pushed around Austin and stalked my way. “All right, let’s get you out of here.”
As she passed by Austin, Blaire cast a searching glance in his direction, before her attention flickered over to me, a ton of worried questions moving across her expression.
Questions I didn’t know if I had the strength to answer.
With an arm wound around my shoulder, Jed spun me, breaking the spell Austin had me under, and tucked me into his side.
Protecting and shielding.
He began to lead me away, down the planks and toward his car waiting in the parking lot out front.
With each step we took, I could feel the heat of Austin’s stare. That
burning intensity I wasn’t sure I could ever escape.
The hurt and the hatred.
I just couldn’t tell where the hatred was directed.
If it was aimed at him or me or the rest of the world that had threatened to choke the life out of us.
The world we were supposed to take on together.
Just as we started to round the corner, I paused because I just couldn’t stop myself, turned to look back at the man who stood there staring back at me.
Emotion gripped his expression just as tight as the clench of his fists.
Hard and tortured.
As if I was the one inflicting the pain.
I choked down the sorrow that rose like a cyclone, spinning and spinning, whipping up the old affection that longed for that soft, understanding boy to take me in his arms and sing in my ear.
Dangerous.
I searched inside myself for the shelter that secured my heart. The flimsy cover I wore that just barely kept me together. I forced myself to speak the words I knew would drive him away, as much of a lie as they were. “And for the record…no, Austin, I definitely don’t believe in fate.”
Motherfucker.
My fists pummeled the bag. Hit after hit. Sweat slicked my skin and my heart thrashed in my chest.
On the other side, Damian held the bag, pushing back.
I drove into it as hard as I could. Pounding and pounding. Like I might have the chance of beating out all the frustration—all the confusion—that licked at my insides.
“Whoa, man, not sure what the hell is going on with you, but just an FYI…you’re about to kick my ass through this bag here, which is totally not close to being the point of this exercise. This is a no-contact sport, meaning I should have a safe, cushy spot over here. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were pissed at me. But considering I’m your favorite person in the world, we both know that’s not the case.”
I just grunted.
Smack. Smack. Smack.
My taped-up fists slammed against the vinyl.
So yeah.
Maybe the whole damned time I was imagining it was that big, burly motherfucker’s face.
Sue me.
I laid into it harder.
Damian pushed back. Hard. “You ’bout done?”
I gave it one last good hit, before I stumbled back, panting like a damned dog. I yanked at the tape around my wrists. “Fine.”
I began to pace the garage floor that had been turned into a makeshift gym, sucking deep breaths into my too-tight lungs.
Wait (Bleeding Stars #4) Page 2