by Ana Medeiros
“While you’re doing it, how do you feel? Explain it to me so I can understand.”
“I can’t explain it.”
She insisted. “Try.”
Julian didn’t move and he took a while to answer.
“The look of pain and satisfaction on their faces, the sight of blood seeping out of their bodies…I feel a mix of arousal, guilt, and release. All at once.” His voice was thick with shame.
“They want you to do that to them?”
That question made him lift his face from his hands and look at her. “Yes, of course. That’s why I go to The Raven Room. So I can have willing partners.”
Meredith was mesmerized by what Julian was sharing with her. “How old are they?”
“Some are younger than you.”
“How do you feel if you don’t do it?”
“The need for it keeps growing and it’s all I can think about. It’s all I want. I can go a few weeks without it but then it takes over. I can’t function. I feel like I’m going mad. I started to self-harm when I was a kid. It helped me cope. I continued throughout my adolescence, especially when things got really rough.” It sounded like Julian was remembering a time in his life he wanted to forget. “Cutting is not something you do in front of others but when I was living with the Dulgorukova family, Sofia and Tatia were always around. I started doing it in front of them.” The expression on Julian’s face transformed to reveal nothing less than profound regret. “Now, as an adult, I can see how wrong and destructive it was for them to witness it, but at the time I just knew I needed to cut myself. I didn’t think about the consequences. That’s what changed it for me. Them watching.”
“Did you ever cut them?”
“I would never hurt them. Ever, Meredith.”
She brought the back of his hand to her lips and kissed it. “I believe you.”
“After adopting me, Hazel sent me into therapy. I was trying to stop and one day I was having sex with this girl and I asked her if I could cut her. She said yes,” Julian lowered his eyes. “After that, I couldn’t turn back. I felt like I had finally come face-to-face with something that had always been there, inside of me. Before I just didn’t have the courage to embrace it.”
They were speaking softly, as if they both feared there was someone hiding in the shadows who could overhear their words. “I know you’re afraid,” Meredith said. “But you’re not alone. I’m here.” She looked at the low, heavy clouds on the night sky and she imagined how it would feel to be Julian. “You take pleasure from engaging in blood-play with women who want it as much as you do. That doesn’t make you a bad man.” She stared further up into the sky. “You’re ashamed of who you are. The day you embrace yourself, you’ll be strong. Until then you’re weak.”
They continued to sit side by side, holding hands.
“Are you worried about Alana?” Meredith asked.
“She walked out of here without half of her clothes, bleeding…she wouldn’t let me make sure she was okay.”
“Have you talked since?”
“The next day I drove to her work but she wasn’t there. I’ve called several times since but they always tell me she’s not in.”
“She’s probably avoiding you. I’m sure she’s okay, Julian.”
When he didn’t say anything, Meredith turned her head to look at him. He was sitting with his eyes closed.
She watched him for a while. Julian was the type of man who appeared to have everything. But beneath it all there was so much misfortune, pain, and destruction that she believed most people would either pity him or simply want to stay as far from him as possible.
“I shouldn’t have asked her to cut me,” he said, breaking the silence.
Meredith sighed. “You shouldn’t have asked the way you did.”
“When she started to cut herself…I felt scared. For her. I was so scared for her.”
“Listen, would it help if I stopped at her work to make sure she’s okay? I won’t approach her.”
Julian looked stunned by her offer. “Would you do that?”
“Right now it’s clear to me that not knowing if she’s okay is harming you more than anything else. We need to get you to be able to function again. I’ll go.”
Julian rested his head on her shoulder. His blatant need for comfort caught Meredith by surprise. The Julian she knew wouldn’t have showed such vulnerability but, then again, one of the things she now realized was that no one, including her, truly knew Julian.
“Outside of the club, who else is aware of this about you?” she asked, feeling his hair rub against her cheek.
“Pete. No one else.”
Meredith wrapped her arms around him, covering both of them with the blanket she had been holding. “If the truth becomes known your career is over.”
“I know, Meredith.”
“Everything you have worked to achieve will be taken away from you. You’re a child psychologist and an Associate Professor who goes to an underground sex club to cut women while you get off. Your past involving Tatia and Sofia will come out. The fact you were once accused of sexually abusing an eight-year-old girl will be in everyone’s mind. It won’t matter that her father, in the end, admitted to it. Your life will be destroyed.”
“I think of that every day.”
Julian sounded defeated and, because there wasn’t anything else for her to say about it, she changed the subject. “You’re going to shower, shave, put on some clean clothes and eat half of the pizza I’m about to order for us.”
“Only half, huh?”
Meredith smiled. He was trying to lighten the mood and she was thankful for it. They both needed it. “Yes, and that’s if you’re lucky.”
Twenty-minutes later, Julian came out of the shower looking more like the man Meredith was used to. When the party-size pizza arrived they sat on the bed, eating slice after slice.
They emptied a bottle of red wine and afterwards they were both too full and tired to move.
Meredith was falling asleep beside the empty pizza box and dirty napkins when she felt Julian tuck her in under the covers. He caressed her hair and Meredith kept her eyes closed, feeling her body sink even further into the soft bed. Julian hid his face in her hair, something he always did when they slept together, and Meredith found relief in that small gesture. It made her believe that no matter how much she came to learn about Julian, there were things that would never change between the two of them.
Chapter 22
A loud sound woke Meredith. Lifting her head off the pillow, she struggled to open her eyes.
“What’s that noise?” she asked, looking at Julian, who was lying beside her.
“Someone is at the door.”
“Are you expecting anyone?”
“No.”
She reached for her phone as Julian was getting out of bed. “It’s eight AM on a Sunday morning. Who’s crazy enough to be out and about at this time?”
“You have a sister I don’t know about?” he asked, glancing at her over his shoulder.
“Must be one of your other crazy bitches.”
Julian left the bedroom and Meredith rolled over, covering her head. She was too tired to get up.
When Meredith woke up again she looked around the room and saw how much brighter it was. She had slept longer than she had wanted. Wondering where Julian was, Meredith sat up, making the empty pizza box fall to the floor. She cursed, rubbing her eyes. Used to sleeping in the nude, she had a vague memory of removing her clothes at some point throughout the night but she had no idea where they had ended up. Not bothering to spend more time looking for them, she stood in front of the mirror—her hair was out of control and she had pillow marks on her face. She needed coffee.
Meredith walked out of the bedroom and made her way down the hall, toward the living room. What she saw as she turned the corner made her stop.
Standing naked, his back to her, Julian was swaying his hips in a languorous movement. Resting on the opposite wall, a t
all mirror allowed Meredith a full view of what was taking place in front of him. On the couch, prone on her hands and knees, moaning softly, was a woman Meredith did not recognize.
Julian was deep inside of her. With one hand on her hip and the other caressing her where their bodies met, he was slowly propelling her toward orgasm. Leaning forward, moving her long hair to the side of her neck, Julian began to cover her back in small kisses. There was a tenderness to his touch that made Meredith’s breath catch in her chest. Never before had she witnessed such a display of adoration from Julian. Everything Julian was doing, the way he kissed the woman’s skin, the way he stroked her, the way he moved within her, was all to bring her pleasure. In light of how Meredith had seen him act in the past and considering what he had told her the previous night, she hadn’t been prepared to come face-to-face with loving and affectionate Julian.
Her eyes returned to the woman and Meredith suddenly realized who she was. It was Alana. Without her makeup and sexy outfit, she looked like a different person from the one she had seen at The Raven Room. Even her hair appeared to be lighter. She had been attracted to Alana when she had seen her at the club. Now watching her under Julian, making soft panting sounds of desire, her attraction toward Alana only intensified.
She and Julian looked beautiful together. The sight of them had an effect on Meredith but her feelings couldn’t be described as jealousy, anger, or disappointment. In fact, she was too enthralled by what she was witnessing to process her emotions or even try to understand why Alana was there.
Julian brought his lips closer to Alana’s face and even though she could barely hear it, Meredith knew he was whispering endearments to her. Alana turned her head toward Julian and caressed his cheek, giving him a smile brimming with contentment, arousal, and emotion. Whatever secrets she was keeping from Julian, whatever lies she had told him, Julian’s feelings for Alana were reciprocated.
Straightening his back, he continued to move inside of her. Standing tall, with every muscle in his naked body taut, his striking tattoo sleeve adorning his arm, the feeling of ecstasy hatched on his features, he looked tantalizing. For the first time Meredith was watching him have sex with someone else and the vision of it was awakening all of her senses.
Her eyes shifted back to Alana and the contrast of her feminine shape, the sight of her small breasts, the fairness of her skin against Julian’s darker and harder frame, sent a wave of desire through Meredith’s body. Arousal blossomed within her and soon her nipples were hungry for someone’s touch. The familiar sensation in her core proved she was ready for the only thing that could satiate her need.
In that moment, Julian looked at the tall mirror standing behind the couch. His eyes, heavy-lidded with pleasure, met hers. Meredith didn’t shy away. As he continued to thrust, his gaze drew her in, immersed her in the erotic experience he and Alana were sharing.
Julian wasn’t telling her to leave. He was inviting her to be part of it.
Meredith swallowed hard and a smile formed on Julian’s face. He knew how aroused she was. For a few more moments nothing changed. While Julian and Alana savored the gratification that could only be achieved through the experience of unguarded intimacy, Meredith stood, admiring them.
She watched Julian lean forward again and whisper into Alana’s ear. She nodded in response and looked up, catching Meredith’s eyes in the mirror. There was a silent exchange between the two of them. Alana was acknowledging her. She stood up and walked toward Meredith.
As Meredith opened her mouth to speak, Alana placed her fingertips against her lips, silencing her.
“I know who you are,” Alana whispered, her seductive gaze lingering on Meredith’s face.
Meredith felt herself being pulled into Alana’s eyes. She didn’t know how to describe their color. At first glance they appeared to be brown but the longer she stared at them, the greener they became.
Glancing at the bandages on Alana’s arm, Meredith understood why she had hurt herself when Julian had asked her to cut him. The person in front of her, the beautiful and arousing woman Julian had come to love, was just as lost as he was.
It wasn’t clear who moved first, her or Alana. Their mouths came together and Meredith quivered against Alana’s soft lips. One of the things Meredith appreciated most about the female body was its subtle power to trigger the most consuming desire. The feeling of Alana’s tongue caressing hers made Meredith moan. When she had initially seen her at The Raven Room, Meredith had fantasized about Alana’s hair and now, as she buried her hands in it, a small sound of pleasure escaped from the back of Alana’s throat. Meredith couldn't believe her fantasy was coming true.
Alana brought her hands to cradle Meredith’s face and while both of them were immersed in their kiss, Meredith became aware of someone else’s proximity. Another set of hands, bigger, stronger, caressed her shoulders. Julian was standing behind her and soon his mouth was against her skin, adding to the sensual touch of his hands. His attention, together with Alana’s, was stimulating Meredith to the point she was no longer sure she could sustain her own weight. She felt weak, wanting to collapse to the floor and let the waves of pleasure wash over her. The sensation of her arousal seeping out of her and dripping, little by little, down her leg, never failed to validate what she thought was magnificent about her own sexuality. She had always drawn power from her ability to embrace what she desired but, in that moment, for reasons she didn’t understand, she felt vulnerable. When Alana’s eager mouth closed between her legs, Meredith cried out.
“How does it feel?” She heard Julian ask by her ear. “To have her tongue on you, to drip right onto her lips?” Kissing her neck, he gripped her breast.
“Good…too good.” Meredith let her head fall back toward Julian.
“Never too good,” he whispered.
Meredith found herself caressing Alana’s head and the insistent strokes of Alana’s tongue made Meredith’s whole body swing forward. If Julian didn’t have his arms around her, she would have slumped to the floor. With her back pressed firmly against Julian, she let him hold her. Glancing downwards, Meredith watched Alana kneeling at her feet, and the need to taste her in the same way brought a renewed sense of urgency to the elation building within her.
Julian was right—never too good.
What she felt next made Meredith moan loudly. Entering her from behind, with slow indulgence, Julian was now inside of her. Alana didn’t stop, continuing to stimulate her, licking and kissing her. She was running the tip of her tongue along Meredith’s entrance, where she and Julian were joined, and she knew he too could feel Alana’s mouth on him. He had slightly bent her at the waist, his muscular thighs coming under hers to help support her overwhelmed body, and all Meredith wanted was to capture the release she so desperately needed. It was close, teetering between cruel allusiveness and her voracious reach. Before it possessed her, Julian stopped. He told Alana to lie on the couch, on her back, and directed Meredith to kneel between her legs. She didn’t hesitate. Abandoning herself to pleasure Alana, she made a small sound of approval when Julian joined her on the floor, on his knees, and entered her again. Alana was no less aroused than she was and tasting her sent a burst of desire through her whole frame, transporting Meredith to a frenzy nearing physical release.
With her mouth and hands on Alana’s body, she kissed the inside of her thighs and licked the sweat off her skin. Meredith caressed her stomach, her breasts, sucked on her erect nipples. Hearing her lustful pants, feeling Alana’s hands holding on to her, she penetrated her with her fingers and Alana’s body lifted off the couch, meeting her giving mouth.
Meredith’s eyes were closed and Julian felt impossibly hard inside of her, his palms pressed so tightly to her waist they were searing her skin. His groans were mingling with Alana’s loud breathing, adding a rougher edge to the animalistic sounds coming from Meredith.
The pleasure building within Meredith and the certainty that both Alana and Julian, through their own pending
release, were right there with her, carried Meredith over the threshold into an orgasm that forced her to let go of the already frail hold she had on all that existed outside of her own body.
Meredith’s first fully rational thought was that she was lying on the floor, naked, with the soft area rug tickling her skin. She blinked, her eyes refocusing on the white ceiling. She shifted, knowing she couldn’t get up just yet. From the corner of her eye she saw Julian, on the floor as well, his back resting against the couch. He had his eyes closed and his hand was around Alana’s ankle, who was still on the couch, with one leg draped over Julian’s shoulder. Meredith sat up and she let her head fall into her hand.
“You okay?”
Looking ahead, she found Julian’s eyes on her.
“Yeah, the room is just spinning.” It was a half-truth. The room was spinning but she was far from well as the realization of what she had just done was becoming clear to her. She just had sex with both Julian and Alana.
He caressed Meredith’s knee. “Stay here. I’m going to get you some water. Can I bring you some?” he asked, turning to Alana.
“Please.” Meredith heard her say.
As Julian was leaving toward the kitchen, Meredith glanced at Alana. “I saw you at The Raven Room before,” she said, running her hands through her tangled hair.
“I remember,” Alana answered. “Wait, you have a huge knot in your hair. Let me help you.”
Meredith remained very still, aware of Alana’s body close to hers. “One of the drawbacks of having long hair.”
“All worth it, I would say. You have beautiful hair.”
“Are you kidding me?” Meredith laughed. “I would kill for hair like yours.”
“Stop talking nonsense. You’re a knockout, Meredith, from head to toe.”
Before she was aware of what she was doing, she touched the discolored line along Alana’s shoulder.
“Like my scar?” she asked, smiling.
“Sorry,” Meredith removed her hand. “That was rude.”
“Why is it rude? It’s just a scar. A love bite from a twelve-year-old Golden Retriever I had just adopted from a shelter.”