by Billie Green
She glanced over her shoulder and saw him standing near the window seat, watching her. There was no need to tell him anything, she decided. He would get Lynda just the way he had planned. Drew had lost interest in the blonde and wouldn't mind if Tanner started seeing her.
With a frown adding lines to her forehead, she sat on the bed. Drew wouldn't mind, but maybe Rae would. Tanner didn't need another strictly sexual relationship. He had had too many of those in the past.
Considering their history, it shouldn't have happened, but Tanner and she had become friends. Against all odds, and against the better judgment of both, they had gotten close. And now Rae wanted something more for him, something better than a lifetime of Lyndas. He needed a woman who would look beyond his sexy body, beyond the gleam of wildness in his eyes.
He needed the kind of woman who knew what forever meant.
Tanner was still watching her, his eyes dark and brooding as he waited for her to come out of her preoccupied silence.
Her lips curved in a rueful smile. "Have you ever thought how life has a way of making you wish you were a rock? Rocks are always either being worn down or built back up, but they don't care. Rocks just don't worry about it."
He drew back his head, one brow raised as he stared at her. "How whimsically philosophical."
She shook her head. "You look silly trying to raise your brow like that with your eye all swollen." She paused. "Why were you fighting?"
He shrugged his shoulders, then winced as the movement brought pain. "The guy was a butt-head and needed hitting."
"According to West's Law, they're all butt-heads. What was the real reason?"
He lowered himself to the window seat, moving carefully. "He made a smart remark about my parents," he said without looking at her, "and I just happened to be in the mood to make him regret it."
"Your parents? I thought Old Joe—I mean ..."
He gave a short laugh. "I know what you mean. You were there when Virg started spouting off about me being Joe's bastard. The stupid dipstick. If Virg had a brain, he'd know it couldn't be true. If I were Joe's son, you can bet he wouldn't keep it a secret. He'd go around telling everyone he knew, just to show he could get away with it."
"But Joe raised you?"
"No," he said, smiling, "I raised myself. Joe just gave me a place to do it."
She glanced down at her hands. "Glenna told me she remembers when you and your mother moved to town, but where was your father? Has it been a long time since you've seen him?"
"It will be twenty-eight years in October. I was seven last time I saw him. I have to say this for my old man, he may not have been perfect, but he damn sure knew how to make an exit."
There was genuine amusement in his laugh, but there was something that was not amusement in his eyes, something secret and painful.
"We were living in Abilene. Hadn't heard a word from him in six months, and then one day he just showed up."
He turned sideways and leaned against the side of the small alcove, a reminiscent smile curving his lips. "He took me out to eat. Italian food. I had spaghetti, he had pizza."
Catching her look, he shrugged one shoulder. "It's funny the things that stick in your-memory. I guess it was because we didn't eat out very often. Anyway, when we got back to the house, the two of us sat out on the stoop for a long time, just listening to the night sounds. Dogs, police sirens, a radio somewhere down the street. After a while he started to talk. He told me he had made a lot of mistakes, but he was going to try and make it up to me. He was going to be a better father, the kind of father I deserved. He was going to take me fishing and buy me that red bicycle we saw at the discount store."
He drew in a slow breath and closed his eyes. "It was the most wonderful night of my life. I can still feel what I felt that night when I went to bed. I was so full of excitement and happiness, I could damn near see it in the room around me."
Opening his eyes, he met her look squarely. "When I got up the next morning, he was gone."
He paid no attention to her sharply indrawn breath, and when he continued, his voice was flat, empty of emotion. "He had taken everything of value in the house. It wasn't much, but it was all we had. I could have forgiven the stealing, I could have forgiven him for taking off without saying good-bye. But I never forgave the way he held out that little bit of hope, then pulled it out of reach again before I could grab hold."
Tilting his head back, he gave a short, rough laugh. "He said he was going to be the kind of father I deserved. For once in his life he was probably telling the truth. He probably thought he was giving me just exactly what I deserved."
Rae had to bite her lip to keep the tears back. Wrapping her arms tightly around her waist, she leaned forward, trying to contain the pain. Dear God, it hurt. It hurt as much as if it had happened to her. He had been seven years old. Seven. Too young, too vulnerable, to face that kind of disillusionment.
"What about your mother?" she asked in a hoarse whisper. "Where was your mother? Why didn't she stop him? Why didn't she—"
A short bark of laughter interrupted her. "You think I have a temper?" he said. "You should have seen her when she came home from one of her all-night romps and found out I let the old man steal the little bit of money she had stashed away."
He turned to raise the window, then glanced back at her. Whatever he had been about to say was lost as he took in the look on her face. He stared at her for a long moment before turning to lower one long leg out the window.
"I figured someone would have told you by now," he said, his voice curiously dead. "Everyone in town knows. My mother was a slut."
Before she could respond, before she could even take in what he said, he was out the window, sliding it shut behind him.
She walked to the window and as she stood, tears streaming down her face, and watched him vault over the back fence, the truth finally hit her.
She couldn't fall in love with Drew because she was already in love. With Tanner.
Chapter 9
Once Rae had recognized the truth, she couldn't believe she hadn't seen it before. The way she had been fooling herself was almost funny. She had told herself that when she looked into his eyes and felt an instant bond, it was nothing but Lone Dees madness. She said that Tanner annoyed her. She said that he enraged her. She said that although he attracted her, it was only physical.
All lies. Rae hadn't wanted to accept what she was feeling, had denied it vehemently and often, because it scared her. The intensity scared her. The sheer magnitude of her feelings for him scared her.
As she sat at her desk the next day, she reached out and touched the portrait of Johnny, smiling as she ran her fingers over the dear features. What she was feeling now wasn't anything like what she had felt for her late husband. It wasn't warm and gentle. It wasn't comfortable and safe.
Loving Tanner was like that narrow mountain road he had told her about, full of hairpin turns and sheer drop-offs. But she had a feeling that if she ever made it to the top, the view would be spectacular and like nothing else on earth.
Getting there was the problem. Tanner never let anyone close to him. Last night she had wanted so badly to hold him, to rock him in her arms until some of the pain let go. But she knew by the rigid set of his jaw and the excluding look in his eyes that he wouldn't welcome comfort from her.
She leaned back in her chair and stared for a while at the ceiling. Tanner had told her about the wall society had built to keep itself separate from its own nature, but what he didn't say was that he, natural and wild as he was, had also built a wall. He had built a wall around his heart.
He didn't want Rae's love. He didn't need it. Tanner didn't need anyone. It hurt like hell to admit that to herself, but the sooner she learned to face facts, the better off she would be.
An instant later Rae sat up straighter. Better off? Without Tanner? What on earth was she thinking? She was sitting here in her dusty little office, and she was giving up. Without a fight, without a whimper
.
She had become the old Rae again.
Rising to her feet, she stiffened her jaw. She wasn't that woman anymore. The new Rae fought for what she wanted.
❧
"Hello, Tanner."
Rae had found him in the stables, forking fresh hay into one of the stalls. A dark horse tossed its head at Rae's approach, the dangerous gleam in its eyes matching that of his master.
"What are you doing here?" said Tanner. "We didn't set up another lesson."
"I'm not here for a lesson." She bit her lip, unsure of how to begin. Drawing in a deep breath, she said, "I wanted to talk to you about what you told me last night." ,
"What about it?" He made a short sound of contempt. "I can see your heart's bleeding all over the place. Do I look like I need pity?" He turned away from her, his back stiff. "I don't want to talk about it. And if I ever decide I do want to talk about it, I'll choose the time and place and confidant."
She nodded. "That's fair." The words were calm, but anger was slowly, surely, spreading through her. "But you see, I've gotten used to being your punching bag. I figure if you dump on me, it'll spare some poor innocent the grief."
"Leave it alone, Rae."
"Did you leave me alone?" She moved around to face him, her voice growing louder, more vehement. "In the two years I've been here, have you ever given me a break? You poke at me, you snipe at me, you pry into my thoughts and feelings. Why should I be more considerate than you've been?"
He reached out and grasped her arm, forcibly walking her toward the stable door. "Out," he rasped, the word stiff with control. "Get out."
Jerking her arm free, she backed away from the door. "I won't. Not until you tell me the rest. Not until you tell me about your mother."
His dark eyes blazed with anger. "Rae, dammit—
"I'm not moving," she said through tight lips.
Swinging around, he kicked the wall behind him with such force, a row of riding tackle fell clanging to the packed-earth floor. "You want to know about my mother? Fine, I'll tell you. I never disappoint a lady. And you are a lady. You couldn't in your wildest dreams imagine a woman like my mother. You think it was coming home and finding her in bed with a different man every night that bothered me? Hell, no. Kids adjust. They learn to accept."
He was pacing back and forth now, his features hard with anger. "But what I couldn't handle, what I never learned to accept, was leaving things behind."
He shot a glance at her. "You don't know what I'm talking about, do you? How could you? You lived in the same house all your life, you had your Johnny next door. You couldn't know what it was like coming home time after time to find her packing, knowing that we were going to leave everything behind again." He shook his head. "Sometimes it was the bill collectors, or maybe someone caught her dipping in the till at whatever joint she was working at. Sometimes she just got bored and decided to look for what she needed—whatever the hell that was—in the next town. Most of the time she didn't even give me enough warning to pack. Not that I had much. But what I had, I valued. And those poor miserable kids I claimed as friends, kids no one else would play with, I valued them too."
He gave a harsh laugh. "That changed. I learned better. I learned not to value anything, friends, possessions, nothing. Because sooner or later it got left behind."
She moved toward him, her heart twisting inside her chest. "Tanner—"
He held out a hand, backing away. "I'm not finished. I haven't got to the best part yet. We moved to Dicton when I was twelve. And this time something was different. We stayed. I didn't know why, but I didn't ask questions. She got herself a steady boyfriend, Tom Lyell, a man who was almost decent. He treated her right. Hell, he even treated me right."
Tilting his head back, he drew in an unsteady breath. "That kind of thing is a trap. You start hoping—"
He broke off and shook his head," as though trying to rid himself of the memory. "When we had been here almost six months, I started to hope that this time we would have a real home. Hope. Judas priest, how stupid can you get? You would think after what my father did, I would have learned better. But I was still young. That's the only excuse I have. I was too young to know what hope really is. Hope's just another way to lie to yourself, and don't let anybody tell you different."
He turned away from her, away from whatever he saw in her face. "In December, a week before Christmas vacation, school let out early, a gas leak in the lunchroom or something. I walked home die way I always did, and I was a block away when I spotted the strange car in the driveway. I don't know why, but as soon as I saw it, I started shaking. I was so scared, I couldn't catch my breath. I dropped my books and ran. When I got in the house, I didn't make a sound. As soon as I saw all the boxes in the hall, I went straight to her bedroom. I could hear them before I opened the door, and I knew what I'd find, but that didn't stop me."
A groan caught in his throat, and he wrapped his arms around her, bringing her close as he covered her lips in a savage kiss.
"You don't know what you're doing," he whispered against her bruised lips a moment later. "It takes me over." Grasping her buttocks, he pulled her hard against him, telling her without words what was going to happen next. "I warned you to get out of the way. Now it's too late. Too late."
His hands still on her buttocks, he lifted her, fitting her against his hard groin. With a breathless moan she wrapped her legs around his waist, pressing her lips to his as he moved toward the stall behind them.
"I'm going to do what I've been wanting to do since I first laid eyes on you," he whispered as he pressed her down to the hay and brought his hands to her aching breasts. "I want this," he told her. "And this." She felt his fevered touch on the inside of her thighs. "And this," he rasped out as he pushed an impatient hand beneath the waistband of the silk panties. "Sweet heaven, I want it all."
One finger was moving against the slick moisture between her thighs, sliding inside, and he gave a rough, triumphant laugh when her hips pushed against his hand in an involuntary movement.
Out of her mind with wanting him, she could only whisper, "Yes," over and over again, the word becoming frantic as she tore at his clothes, at her own. His devils were loose in her as well, making her writhe against his hard, naked body, making her cry out in desperate need.
"Let it go, Rae," he whispered, his voice hoarse with urgency as he moved his finger inside her. "Don't hold anything back. Let me inside. Let the wildfire take over, wrap it around me, and let it burn me up."
The next few minutes were a blur of surging, grasping intensity. He touched every inch of her, exploring all her secret places. He was inside her with his fingers, with his tongue, with his soul. He held nothing back and demanded the same of her.
No touch unthinkable, no act forbidden. Whatever felt good was right.
And when he entered her at last with one hard, urgent thrust, the world exploded in glorious, untamed pleasure, like nothing she had ever felt before.
❧
As the shadows of evening began creeping into the stable, Tanner's strong, naked body lay close to hers. He leaned on one elbow, looking down at her as he ran a slow hand across her body. For a moment his fingers rested on the triangle of hair between her thighs.
"Ultima Thule," he whispered. "I can't get over this color."
Bending down, he kissed her there, then moved his head back and forth, letting the soft hair brush across his lips. When Rae caught her breath with stirring desire, he gave a soft laugh and raised his head to meet her eyes.
"You have hay in your hair," she said, her voice still husky.
"So do you. Miss Prim and Proper. Do you realize Loco was watching the whole time?"
When she shot a wary glance toward the horse, Tanner laughed again and rose to his feet, pulling her along with him..
"It's nature, remember? Loco doesn't care any more than the sky does."
She glanced around. "Where are my clothes?"
"I hid them. You don't need clothes out
here. There's no one to see you . .. except me." He ran his gaze over her naked body. "And I definitely like what I see."
The look in his eyes made the tips of her breasts grow hard and brought a little throbbing pulse to her center. She glanced back at the hay.
"Uh-uh," he murmured, pulling her into his arms. "Hay might be natural, but any marks on this body"—he ran his hands over her hips—"I want to put there myself. We'll try the bed this time."
Rae pulled out of his arms and was halfway to the house before he caught up with her.
❧
"What happened when you got out of the detention center?"
Hours had passed. They had tried the bed and the shower—the most incredible experience of her life—and even the armchair. Now they were back in his bed, side by side, her head resting on his shoulder.
Her question made him groan. "You don't let go, do you? I stayed in for a little over a year. That's where I learned to fight."
"Isn't that a long time for one windshield?"
"I guess, but my mother had left no forwarding address, and they couldn't just turn me loose. They ended up placing me in a foster home." He grinned. "I stayed there for almost two weeks, then I came back to Dicton. I was sleeping in a barn at Ashkelon when Joe found me. He fixed it with the authorities to let me stay, and I earned my keep working around the ranch."
He stared up at the ceiling. "He didn't have to do it. I was a stray that no one wanted. He didn't get anything out of it. But he let me stay."
"And that's why you continue to stay? That's why you don't go after your dream?"
He nodded. "As long as Joe needs me, I'll stay." After a moment he glanced down at her. "Are we through talking now?"