Would Juliet think it strange if he didn’t share the bed with her except for the times he would make an attempt to conceive a child? He had to try for a child. He had no choice. His father’s will stipulated it. Even from the grave, the man was controlling him, and while it made him mad, there was nothing he could do about it. Not if he wanted to get out of this town. If only he could get enough gold to make a new start. Then this nightmare would finally be over.
“Remember what you said about not asking about my past?” Juliet asked.
He turned to face her as she came into the cabin. Not sure what she was getting at, he nodded.
“Good because I’d rather not explain what I’m about to do,” she replied.
For a moment, he thought she was going to pull out a gun and shoot him right on the spot. His gut even clenched in dread as he got ready for the attack.
But instead, she took off her hat and proceeded to pull off her wig. Underneath the wig was a beige cap that hid her real hair. He blinked. A wig? What was she wearing a wig for? Of course, he couldn’t ask. He’d given her his word. Still, he had to bite his tongue so the question wouldn’t slip.
She went to the trunk, which was next to him, and opened it. He took a step back. Not because he was that shocked to find out she’d been wearing a wig, but because it was difficult to be close to a woman—much less one he was married to.
She placed the wig in the trunk. “That’s better. The thing itched something awful. I’m glad to be done with it.” She turned to him, and he detected a slight sparkle in her eyes. “Want to guess what color my hair really is?”
“Um, well…” Anything but red. That was Lydia’s hair color. He didn’t care if her hair was purple. Just as long as it wasn’t red. “Brown?” he ventured.
“Close.” She removed her cap, exposing hair that was so dark it was black. She removed the pins from her hair and let it fall down her back in gentle waves.
He breathed a sigh of relief. Thank God it hadn’t been red.
“That feels much better,” she said as she brushed her tresses.
He did like the color of her hair much more than the color of the wig. It reminded him of the sky at night. Calming. Soothing. Looking up at the night sky was about the only time he felt any kind of peace. The stars were there to remind him that, in the whole span of things, anything that happened to him was of little consequence. The universe was much bigger than his problems.
“It wasn’t easy keeping that thing on all the time,” she told him. “There were times when I wanted to throw it off. But it was best I didn’t. That just shows how important it is to persevere. Well, you know about that since you’re diligent about looking for gold. Patience is rewarded.”
“I hope so.”
“It is. It brought me here, which is much better than where I was.”
Well, he couldn’t argue with her. Not without knowing what she had run away from. But if he knew, he’d probably agree with her. There was no doubt she had a good reason to run away, especially since she went through the trouble of wearing a wig. And judging by the modest dresses in her trunk, he surmised her fancy dress was only a part of her disguise. There wasn’t a single luxurious item in that trunk.
She wrapped her hair up into a bun at the base of her neck and started to pin it in place. “Do you mind if I change into a more comfortable dress? Or, if you want, we can try for that baby right now since I’m going to take off the dress. I meant what I said. I’ll help you in any way I can since you’re helping me.”
Her matter-of-fact tone startled him. She was a virgin. She hadn’t been touched or even kissed by another man but him. So why was she so blunt about consummating their marriage? Lydia hadn’t been a virgin when she came to him, though his father had thought she’d been, but even she hadn’t spoken with such candor when it came to the bed on their wedding day.
“Oh, um, not yet,” he said. “I need to take care of the horses.”
And prepare himself. He’d withheld taking care of his needs for a good two weeks just so the whole thing would go quick. But just because he could probably get the deed over with in less than a minute, it didn’t mean he wanted to do it, even with his father’s will hanging over his head.
“Alright,” she replied. “While you take care of the horses, I’ll change into a better dress. Do you mind bringing in the items from the general store when you’re done? I’d like to get started on supper before it gets too late in the day.”
“Sure. I don’t mind.”
She gave him a smile. “Thank you, Carl. I think this arrangement will work out just fine.”
He’d like to agree with her, but he was too afraid to. This seemed to be going much too smoothly. Even if she seemed relieved he hadn’t asked her about the wig and fancy dress, he couldn’t believe she was honestly happy with the situation. Give her time. Give her time, and she’ll let you know how disappointed and disgusted she is.
“You’re welcome,” he told her then left the cabin.
***
Juliet thought the meal went fairly well. She wasn’t the best cook, but she managed fine in the kitchen. Her brothers had told her she did well enough for what they could give her. And Carl hadn’t complained. So that was good. She’d never cooked for anyone but her brothers, and it was hard to tell if they even had adequate taste buds since they drank a lot. They’d even pour brandy onto her food to give it more flavor.
She was so relieved to be away from them. They were a bad influence. She hadn’t wanted the kind of life they were content to have. This was a new life for her. Here she was free to take over her own fate. She didn’t have to be doing things that bothered her conscience.
She wasn’t sure how a baby would fit into things if she happened to get in the family way, but she would be a good mother. Whatever happened, she would do her best to always care for the child, just as her parents had done for her and her brothers while they lived.
After she cleaned the dishes, she sat in front of the open window and brushed her hair. Carl had gone back to the barn right after they ate, and they’d said so little during the meal that she couldn’t help but be nervous. Perhaps if she knew him better, this wouldn’t be so awkward.
Yes, she knew how women got pregnant, thanks to how vulgar her brothers were when they talked about their latest conquests. And apparently, the women had enjoyed it, given how vocal they were from the other room the few times her brothers had brought them home. Even now, it made her grimace to think about it. It was probably one thing to be doing the act, but it wasn’t pleasant at all to listen to the whole ordeal.
A horse neighed, drawing her attention out the window. In the remaining light of the sunset, she caught sight of Carl as he released the steed into the fenced area behind the barn. He was really quite attractive. Of course, she’d thought so when she first saw him, but when she didn’t have to worry about her wig falling off or tripping on the hem of the heavy dress, she could relax enough to truly appreciate him.
He seemed like a nice man. He was nothing like her brothers, which was definitely a plus. She wondered just what kind of marriage he’d had with Lydia. Yes, it’d been bad. But just how bad? And why didn’t they get along? He seemed agreeable enough. He was willing to let her keep her secrets, and he was willing to share his gold with her.
She shrugged, turned her attention away from the window, and continued to brush her hair. It wasn’t her business. He had his secrets. She had hers. The only thing that mattered was how they were going to get along together, and she honestly thought they’d get along quite well.
After she finished brushing her hair, she left it hanging down her back since she knew men liked that kind of thing. With nothing left to do, she supposed she better get to bed. She removed her clothes, hurrying as she did so. While she’d soon be consummating her marriage, she didn’t want Carl to catch her undressing. Yes, perhaps it was silly, but this was her first time. Even if she knew the mechanics of it, this still required her to be vulne
rable with someone in a way she’d never been before.
Once she took off all of her clothes, she threw them into the trunk, slammed the lid, and rushed to the bed. She pulled the blanket up to her neck and stared at the ceiling. Too late did she realize she had nothing to do now to occupy her time. Now, she was stuck with worrying over what was going to happen. Worse, Carl didn’t seem to be in any rush to do this, which meant she had too much time to think.
Only because it would take her mind off of tonight, she let her mind go back to her life in Texas. She recalled being forced to do things her oldest brother, Sammy, wanted her to do. No matter how much she pleaded with him not to make her help with the robberies, he insisted she earn her keep. You think living here is free? We all do our part, and yours is to lure unsuspecting men away from the money.
She gripped the blanket in her hands. Never again. She’d never be anyone’s pawn for as long as she lived. This was a new start. She didn’t have to be that person ever again. All Carl was asking her to do was try for a child and help him find gold. None of those things were illegal. Being here was a move in the right direction. Even if they never did find enough gold to leave this town, she was still much better off here than she’d been with her brothers.
The door opened. She jerked and looked toward the door. Carl’s silhouette reminded her of one of her brother’s silhouettes. It couldn’t be Tim. There was no way Tim or the others could have found her. She’d been diligent to make sure she hadn’t left any clues. But for the briefest moment, she thought Tim was standing right there.
“I’m sorry,” Carl said as he closed the door. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I should have knocked.”
She relaxed and chuckled. “That’s silly. You live here. There’s no reason for you to knock.”
“I hope you weren’t waiting too long. I-I had to take care of something, and it took a while to do.”
She assumed he had to tend to one of the horses, but as he approached the bed, the moonlight coming in through the windows dissipated the shadows around him. She blinked in surprise. He was already naked, and he was already erect. If she was right, there was something slick on his penis, too. She might not know much about intimacy with a man, but this struck her as odd. She wasn’t sure why, exactly, but it did. Something was wrong.
When he came up to the bed, she moved aside so he could get in with her. He didn’t have the kind of look on his face that told her he meant to harm her. If he had, she wouldn’t have moved over for him. No. The look on his face was altogether different. It appeared as if he was afraid she was going to hurt him.
He sat on the edge of the bed and turned his face away from her. “I’d be grateful if we didn’t talk about tonight once this is over. In fact, if you never bring it up, I’ll do anything you want me to do.”
Too stunned to say anything else, she replied, “Alright.”
He took a deep breath, as if he was bracing himself for a difficult task, then added, “I put something on to make it easy to go inside you. I’m going to make this go as fast as I can. But it would help if I could see your body. Especially your breasts.”
His voice wavered for a moment, reminding her that this was difficult for him. Not wishing to add to his unease, she quickly lowered the blanket so he could get a good view of her body. He didn’t look over at her right away. She suspected he was gathering his courage to do so.
Apparently, her apprehension about tonight was nothing compared to his. And it was more than apprehension on his part. He was downright terrified.
“It’s alright,” she spoke, her voice soft in the cabin.
She didn’t know what else she could say to put him at ease. If she knew him better, the right words might come to mind. But her mind was blank. Never in her wildest dreams did she ever envision that being in bed with a man was going to be like this.
He took another deep breath then turned toward her. He didn’t make eye contact with her. Instead, his gaze was focused on her breasts. She might have blushed from his scrutiny had she not been so concerned about him.
After a long moment, he moved to get on top of her. On instinct, she spread her legs and held her arms out to him. He still didn’t look at her face. His gaze remained on her breasts, as if he was afraid he’d lose his nerve if he didn’t keep looking at them. She placed her hands on his arms and caressed them, hoping the simple action might relax him. But he was still tense.
He didn’t hold her. He didn’t kiss her. He just murmured that he was going to make it quick and entered her. Had she not been so concerned about him, she would have given more thought to the sting of pain between her legs.
Whatever pain she experienced seemed to be nothing compared to the emotional pain he was going through. Just what had his time in bed with Lydia been like if he was practically paralyzed with fear while making love to her?
His thrusting was anxious and quick, letting her know how eager he was to get this over with. And it didn’t take long before he stilled and something warm and wet filled her core. It was at this moment that he relaxed.
She squeezed his arms in another effort to let him know everything was alright, but within the next moment, he got off of her, whispered how sorry he was, and hurried out of the cabin.
She sat up in the bed as he shut the door. Should she go after him and ask him why he felt the need to apologize when they had both agreed to try for a child? Should she ask him why being with her had scared him so much? Or should she stay here? Give him time to himself?
Her brothers would have told her to stay put, that a man’s business was his business. And in this situation, it seemed to be the best option. Besides, Carl had asked her not to mention this. After how hard it’d been for him to go through this, the least she could do was honor his wishes.
The matter resolved, she got up, washed herself clean, threw on her nightshirt, and returned to bed. She didn’t know if Carl would come back and sleep with her or not, but just in case, she moved over so he had plenty of room. As it turned out, however, he didn’t return to the cabin, and it took her the longest time to go to sleep.
***
Fully clothed, Carl sat in the barn loft, unable to stop crying. Why did it have to be so painful to be in bed with a woman? Even though Juliet wasn’t Lydia, even though he’d had to press through the barrier that proved she’d been a virgin, it’d taken all of his strength to complete the job. He had known it would be awkward with her. He was lousy when it came to the bed. But he had thought it might be a little easier to get through the process since Lydia wasn’t there to criticize everything he was doing.
You’re a sloppy kisser, Lydia used to say. You don’t know how to hold a woman’s breasts right. Are you even inside me? I can’t feel you. When is this going to be over? You know why I seek out lovers? Because they know how to bring me pleasure.
Even now he could hear Lydia as she laughed at his attempts to get through the process. Lydia was buried in the cemetery outside of town, and yet, she could still torment him. He put his hands up to his ears and willed the shrew’s cackling from his mind.
It’s only your imagination, Carl. She’s not here. She can’t get to you from the grave.
He’d be lucky if Juliet could still bear to look at him tomorrow morning. If she could just not mention anything about how inadequate he was, it would be the best thing that happened to him in a very long time.
It took him a good hour before he was finally able to calm down. Exhausted, he settled onto his bed and brought the blanket up over his head. Sometimes he wished the world around him would disappear. And tonight was one of those times.
Chapter Four
The next morning, Juliet got dressed and made two braids in her hair so that there was one on each shoulder. She’d learned the trick from one of the Indian women she’d met in Texas a year back and had used it often ever since. When she braided her hair, her hair was softer and stayed clean longer. And out here where there was no one but Carl, she didn’t have to worry
that someone might find it odd for a white woman to style her hair in such a way.
She didn’t think Carl would care. Yesterday, he’d kept quiet about her wig. He hadn’t asked questions, and that was a huge relief because she didn’t want to make up lies to hide the truth. Since he was willing to let her keep her secrets, she would honor his request and not mention the difficulty he’d had last night in bed. She also wouldn’t ask why he didn’t sleep in the cabin. She had no idea where he’d slept, but it wasn’t her business. Her business was to help him find any gold that might be on this property.
With that in mind, she left the cabin and went to the barn, thinking this was the most logical place to search for him. As it turned out, she made the best choice since he was throwing hay into the horses’ troughs.
“Good morning,” she called out.
He stilled and looked over at her, his eyebrows furrowed as if he expected her to say something that might hurt him. It was probably about last night. If she had trouble forgetting how awkward things were in bed, then he must be having trouble with it, too.
She cleared her throat. “Will we be looking for gold today?”
As she hoped, his expression relaxed. “You want to pan for gold with me?”
“Sure. I’ve never done it before, though, so you’ll need to teach me.”
“I don’t mind teaching you.” He turned to put more hay in the trough. “But it’d be easier to do it with some pants because you can roll them up to your knees. I have a pair you can use. I’ll give you a belt so they won’t fall down.”
“There’s no need for that. I got a couple pairs already.” Before he could ask her what kind of woman had pants, she asked, “Is there anything in particular you’d like me to make for breakfast? We should eat so we have energy to pan for that gold.”
The Bargain Mail Order Bride Page 3