by Megan Lowe
“Hey now, what did they ever do to you?” Quinn asks. She lives next door to me, so we’re always popping around unexpectedly. Out of the five of us, we’re the closest, despite our six-year age gap.
“They’re bearing the brunt of my frustration.”
“Frustration with what? Or is it a whom?”
I glare at her. She shrugs. “I can read and all the goss points to you and a certain racer getting quite cosy.”
“You know who he is, right?”
She shakes her head. “Who?”
“Cole Matthews,” I say.
She shrugs again.
“Matthews,” I say, “as in used to live next door to us before you were born.”
“Oh! Matthews as in the guy Mum had an affair with before she met my dad?”
I nod. “That’s the one.”
“Weren’t you and Cole best friends or something?”
“Or something,” I mumble.
She sits down on the bed beside me. “I thought you’d be happy to see him again, all the pictures of you from back then always have him in it.”
I sigh. “We were damn near inseparable.”
“He moved the same time as your dad left, didn’t he?”
I wince at the reminder but nod anyway.
“Yep.”
“So what happened?”
“His dad happened. To Mum. Over and over and over again,” I grit out.
“Oh, you think his dad ruined your family.”
“No, I know his dad did.”
“It takes two to tango you know.”
“You’re not the first person to tell me that recently,” I say dryly.
“Are you sure this animosity towards Cole isn’t just misplaced hurt?”
“Hurt? Why would I be hurt?”
“Because he left you. Your dad left you guys not long after he found out about Mum’s affair, right?”
I nod.
“So your best friend left and your family fell apart. I know I’d be upset if I didn’t have my best friend to help me get through all that.”
“There’s nothing Cole Matthews can do to me to hurt me.”
“Okay, so you’re not hurt but you’re clearly upset with him or something he’s done.”
I get up and start to pace. “He said I’m like Mum!” I burst out, a touch on the whiny side.
“What? Why would he say that?”
“Because he’s a fucking psycho who won’t leave me alone!”
“Knley.”
“What?” I snap.
“What did you say to him?”
I cross my arms. “What makes you think I said something? Maybe he’s exactly like his father, a loser and a homewrecker.”
“You told him he was like his dad?”
I shrug.
“McKnley.” Quinn sighs.
“What?”
“You can’t keep lashing out at people in a bid to lessen your anger, especially when they don’t deserve it.”
“How do you know he didn’t deserve it?”
She quirks an eyebrow. “Did he?”
“Yes!” I say defiantly.
She crosses her arms and stares at me.
“Okay fine, he probably didn’t, but he did spend most of the night staring at my boobs.”
“I’ve seen the bustiers you wear, Knley. The Pope would stare at your boobs.”
I burst out laughing and flop onto the bed.
“So what’s really the problem with Cole?” She lies down next to me.
“He’s just so smug and superior, acting like he’s top shit because he won some championship or something.”
“And you weren’t when we were nominated for our first Grammy?”
“No!” I say indignantly.
“I’m your sister, Knley. I live next door to you, I work with you, I’m with you 98 percent of the time. You want to try that again?”
“Fine, I was, but we worked hard for that nom. We deserved it.”
“You think he didn’t work hard for his win?”
I sigh. “I hate you right now.”
“It’s starting to become a bit of a theme for you, isn’t it?” she asks.
I poke my tongue out in response.
“You want to know what I think?”
“Not really.”
“I think your anger towards him is because he reminds you of the hurt you experienced when he left and then when Mum and your dad split up. I think you’re hurt that he left, even though he likely had no say in the matter. I also think you’re pissed at Mum, for having an affair, for breaking up your family, for indirectly being the reason Cole and his dad moved.”
I blow out a breath.
“Tell me if anything I said just now is off base.”
“Besides all of it?” I say, even though she’s right.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
“He’s still a horrible person. I remember he liked flicking his peas at me when we’d have dinner at his house.”
Quinn snorts. “I don’t blame him. Peas are awful!”
“Agreed, but it doesn’t mean he had to flick them at me!”
She smiles. “He liked you.”
I feel my cheeks heat. “He did not.”
“Did you like him?”
“What? No! Of course not.” My cheeks are getting hotter.
Quinn rises up on her elbow so she’s looking down at me. “Oh my God! You did like him! Do you still like him?”
“Are you out of your mind? Of course I don’t like him.”
“I wouldn’t blame you if you did. He’s hot!”
“How do you know what he looks like?”
“There are these new machines they invented called a camera. They let people take photographs, which are pictures of a moment in time. Often people are captured in them and they can be uploaded to the Internet or used in a newspaper article or any number of things. If people are clever and they know how, there’s this program which lets you search the Internet, which is like a database for human knowledge, and you can find all sorts of stuff about that person.”
I reach behind me for a pillow to hit my sister over the head with. “Smartarse,” I say, as I swing.
She laughs and puts up a hand to shield herself.
“Okay, okay,” she says, as I pummel away.
“Let’s be serious for a minute here, all right?” she asks.
“Okay, let’s.” I place the pillow back under my head.
“I know your family breaking up must have been all kinds of traumatic for you, I know it was for me the couple of times it happened to me, but maybe it happened for a reason.”
“How do you figure?” I ask.
“Well, if Mum hadn’t had an affair with Cole’s dad—”
“Daniel,” I tell her.
“With Daniel,” she says, “then her and your dad would never have broken up. While that’s sad and all, she never would’ve met my dad and then I wouldn’t have been born and then where would you be? Just think how cold and lonely the world would be without me in it.”
I reach for the pillow again. “Get out before I wallop you into next week!”
She jumps off the bed and dances to the door. “You know I have a point though.”
“I know you’re seriously deluded.”
“But you love me anyway.”
“Right now it’s really hard for me to remember why.”
“Seriously though, don’t be mad at Cole. He’s exactly like you with everything that happened. It wasn’t his fault any more than it was yours.”
“Whatever,” I huff.
A triumphant grin spreads on her face. She knows she’s made her point and that it’s going to be haunting me all damn night. “Sleep well, Kn. I’ll see you tomorrow.” And she’s out the door, leaving me to process our conversation.
Every six months or so while the band isn’t recording or on tour, we try to have at least one fan club get-together. Fan club members are fans who pay a fee each year to acc
ess these parties, meet-and-greets, early ticket sales, and exclusive merch. Sometimes we’ll even throw in fan-club-only downloads. They’re our most loyal, most hard-core fans, and the fact we get to spend a bit of time with them is pretty cool. Today’s party is taking place in a suite at one of the city’s hotels. Food and drink have been set out, along with gift bags for everyone to take home. As is usual now, when we walk in we’re met with squeals and are swamped with requests for selfies. I’ve worked my way through most of the crowd but freeze when someone whispers in my ear.
“What about me? Do I get a selfie with you too?”
I spin around and come face-to-face with the man who’s been occupying my thoughts more than I care to admit.
“Cole! How did you get in here? There’s a very strict guest list,” I fume.
He reaches for his back pocket, pulls out his wallet, and shows me the Places fan club membership card we send out.
“You’re a fan club member?” I ask in disbelief.
A cheeky smile spreads over his face. “Foundation member for your information.”
“Why?” I ask before I realise what I’m doing.
“I’d always wondered what had become of the girl next door. One day I was flicking through the channels on TV and your video clip was playing. I was mesmerised. After that I tried to find out everything I could about you, which led me to your fan club.”
“But you’ve never come to an event before.”
He smiles like he’s pleased I noticed his absence. “No.”
“So why now?”
“Why not now? I don’t have any plans today and this was on, so I thought, why not? I’m a fan, I pay for privileges I hardly get to use, may as well get something for my money, you’ve taken enough of it over the years.”
I’m too stunned to speak. Cole is a foundation member of our fan club? He’s followed us all this time?
“Plus,” he says, shifting on his feet almost nervously, “I wanted to see how you were doing.”
“How I’m doing? What the fuck?”
“You know, after what I said at the gala. I wanted to make sure you weren’t pissed at me. Or more pissed at me, as the case may be.”
“And you thought now would be a good time to do that?”
“Better here than at a party where there’s a shitload of media. At least now you’re amongst friends.”
That’s actually sweet—I mean, it’s, ugh. “I’m fine.”
“Yeah? ’Cause at the gala there was a whole heap of stuff happening and we hadn’t seen each other forever basically, and then you were angry and I wasn’t expecting that reaction so I lashed out.”
Hearing Cole ramble is endearing, and I have to hide my smile. “Yeah well, unfortunately we can’t all be brought up with manners.”
His mouth drops open. “Okay, I’ll let that one slide because I deserved it.”
“Thank you.”
“But,” he says, “I still stand by what I said.”
I huff. Just when I was starting to enjoy his company. “You just had to ruin it, didn’t you?”
“Just trying to get the girl I used to know to come out. I missed her all these years. I had a massive crush on her, you know. Still do if I’m honest.”
My heart is pounding and my head is spinning, not only from the things Cole said but by the fact I don’t mind talking to him. When we’re together, but not like together together, everything just fades away. Luckily Quinn comes over before I say or do something embarrassing.
“Hey,” she says when she joins us.
When I don’t speak, she introduces herself to Cole. “I’m Quinn,” she says and offers her hand.
“I know, I’m a big fan. I’m Cole.” He takes her hand.
Quinn shoots me a look before turning her attention back to Cole.
“I know that too. I think I read somewhere about a budding romance between you and my sister.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, I read that too. Just goes to show you can’t believe everything you read.”
“So you wouldn’t want a relationship with my sister if the opportunity arose?” Quinn asks. If I weren’t still frozen to the spot, I’d seriously kick her arse for asking that.
“Oh, given the chance, I’d love to take your sister out,” Cole says, “but I’m afraid she can’t stand to be near me, and I don’t think that bodes well for a potential relationship.”
Quinn tilts her head, pretending to consider. “I don’t know,” she says. “She seems to be okay right now.”
“That’s only because I’ve stunned her too much to speak.”
“And just how did you do that? I’ve been trying to shut her up for years.”
They both laugh. The sound echoes in my head. What the hell is happening here? How did things get so arse backwards? What the fuck is going on right now?
With a “hmph,” I turn on my heel and leave the two of them to their cosy conversation.
For the remainder of the party, just like all the other events I attended that Cole was at too, I stay far away from him. It doesn’t mean that I miss Quinn introducing him to Sloane or Blake and Ashton, who both hug him like he’s a long-lost friend, which he most certainly isn’t. I shake my head. This cannot be happening! I will admit, watching him laugh and joke with my sisters, I can feel my resolve against him weaken, no matter how much I don’t want it to. Could Quinn have a point? Have I misplaced my anger with my mother and transferred it all to Cole? Quinn sees me watching them and comes over to me.
“He’s nice,” she says.
“I don’t want him to be nice.”
She looks at me. “So you’d rather harbour irrational anger towards him for the rest of your life?”
“Yes.”
She sighs. “He’s a nice guy, Knley, and used to be someone you enjoyed spending time with. Sure, the reason you lost contact was shitty, but it looks to me that he’s trying to reignite the friendship in spite of your cold response.”
“Maybe he should take that as a hint.”
“Or maybe you should stop being immature and get to know the guy, the man, your best friend has grown up to be. You can’t keep hiding yourself away from people all the time, Knley.”
“I’m not. I don’t.” Deep down I know she’s right, but I’m stubborn and won’t admit it.
“You do. You keep everyone at arm’s length, afraid to let them near you, and for what? So you can keep up some bullshit stage persona? That’s not you.”
“And what? He’s going to fix me?”
“You don’t need fixing, Knley. Don’t twist my words. All I’m saying is get to know him, let him in a little. You never know what might happen if you do.”
“Why would I want to do that?”
“Because you can’t lock yourself away forever, and you could do a lot worse than opening up to Cole Matthews from what I can tell.”
I look over to where Cole is entertaining a whole heap of people and sigh. Once again I have a feeling Quinn is right, but there’s something holding me back, some invisible barrier stopping me. I want it to come down; I just don’t know how to let it.
Chapter Six
Cole
Signing for Ryan Racing is a trip! To be their first non-family member rider is an incredible honour. They’re such a cool bunch of guys, and Bria is amazing. How Reed managed to snag her I’ll never know. A move to the NRS is something I’ve been working towards for a while. I had hoped it would happen before now—at twenty-seven I’m getting up there—but everything happens for a reason, right? I’ve honed my skills in Supermoto, and now I’m ready to take on the big boys. It is nerve-racking though, a new, more powerful bike and a new competition. The only thing I can hope is that I don’t make an arse out of myself. But those worries are for another time.
Right now, it’s all about promoting my fantastic self. Bria said the media response to my signing has been really positive, which has led to a shitload of sponsorship enquiries. I’m glad. Not just for myself, but because the Rya
ns are a powerhouse and it’s time the bigwigs in their fancy suits caught on to that. I’ve always admired the family’s bond. We, my dad and I, moved to Booker, after Dad fucked things up royally for us in Melbourne with his affair with Helen Rhodes, and immediately got me involved in the racing scene here. The Ryans practically were the racing scene at the time—shit, they still are.
Though Park and I are closer in age, it was Reed I bonded with. Even at the tender age of three he liked to go fast; not that we could do too much, but it never stopped him. He was an amazing rider, not the most naturally talented but definitely the hardest working. I have no doubt he could’ve mixed it with the boys in MotoGP, but I guess it wasn’t to be, and he seems more than happy with the life he has now.
I’m man enough to admit I’m jealous of that. Sometimes it feels like I’ve been jealous of the Ryans my entire life. First as a kid whose mother abandoned him to a selfish, self-centred, egotistical prick whose only concern was what he was going to get out of something. It was hard watching Park and Reed race every weekend with Jay, Nate, Liam, and Liz, their mum, watching and cheering, while my dad only stayed long enough to find something to critique me on.
Then, after Liz died when Jax was born, I watched them all band together and get even closer. Reed and I were close, but I still wasn’t one of them. Now, I see him so happy with Bria and a baby on the way…. I’m sure if you asked him, he’d say his life is nothing for anyone to be jealous of, but for me, a life like his, a family like his, is something I’ve always wanted. To feel like I belong, like I’m a part of something, to know what it’s like to have a proper family. Watching him marry Bria the other week, it only made that longing intensify. My best friend has his happily ever after. Now I want mine. McKnley flashes into my mind, but I’m pretty sure that’s a lost cause. Sure, anger towards my father is fair enough—hell, even I was pissed he moved us away—but to blame me? I was a five-year-old kid; I didn’t even know what “affair” meant. In her mind though, she’s obviously tied my father and me together. It’s bad enough being related to him, but to be charged with his crimes against matrimony? It sucks, pure and simple, and not only because she’s smokin’ hot.
I always wondered what had happened to her. Of course, once Places arrived on the scene I didn’t have to wonder; it just led me to fantasies of a different nature. But I’m pretty sure nothing is going to happen there, no matter how much I want it to. I thought I may have gotten through to her at the fan club meet, but the way she stormed out of there at the end was clearly an indication all was not well with her. It sucks, but that’s the way things go sometimes. Now I should just focus on reaping the rewards of my championship and signing with the best fucking racing team in Australia, starting with my first promo appearance.