She gave a nod of understanding.
‘How did Merry die? If you don’t mind me asking.’
Nelda inhaled sharply, as if the event was still fresh or at least still hurt as much as ever.
‘It was a terrible thing for us all. She was my older sister and she was an adventurer. It’s a sad story. She was a newly qualified nurse and got caught in a bombing raid on Liverpool during the war. She was injured but didn’t die. My family were of course overjoyed that she’d survived, but we didn’t understand just how badly she’d been damaged. She was very quiet, stoic and I like to think she hung on to see Cyrus home safe, but she was never properly well again and she died three weeks after he came home from Italy. I was always glad they’d had that short time together.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Long, long time ago. Another world.’ She patted his arm before wandering into the adjoining sitting room.
He let his eyes scan the shelves crammed with books, recognising many of the dusty knick-knacks and ornaments that sat in a row on the mantelpiece. He looked through to the tiny kitchen and there on top of the cupboard sat the green enamel kettle. He again cursed the tears that gathered.
‘Here we are then.’ Nelda held out her hand. In it lay a cream-coloured envelope with his name inscribed on the front in handwriting he recognised.
‘Thank you,’ he whispered.
Nelda bent forward and held him in a loose hug. ‘He would have been so happy to hear what you said today. And who knows, maybe he did?’
Theo smiled and considered this.
*
He abandoned his car in Muckleford just as the sun broke though the clouds and set off along the bridleway, climbing steadily. The track opened up and he trod the incline with his hands in his pockets until eventually, with his breath coming in short bursts, he reached Jackman’s Cross. His chest heaved and the cool wind stung his skin. The view was every bit as breathtaking as he remembered from his walk there with Mr Porter. He let his eyes rove the horizon, taking in the spires of distant churches and the glorious swathe of green fields. Tucking his mac beneath his legs, he sat down on the damp earth of the hill and reached into his pocket for his letter.
The envelope opened with ease, the old glue having yellowed and turned quite brittle. Carefully, he extracted a lined sheet of A4 paper, torn from a gummed pad. The top line read:
The World through the Eyes of a Blackbird
by Theodore Montgomery.
Oh my God! My homework assignment!
Theo paused and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly before holding the paper up to his face and reading it. He devoured the first two paragraphs with a tremble to his lip and a clamp around his heart. But it was the final few lines of the third paragraph that really made him smile. His tears fell as the wind lifted his hair and his spirits.
As I make my way over fields and lakes, marvelling at the changing landscape below me, I realise that what I learn year on year is what makes me stronger. With strength comes confidence and with confidence comes the ability to be the master of my life, to own my happiness and to make the changes necessary to be the best I can be. And that is why I sing! I sing loudly! Letting the world know that I might be small in the scheme of things, I might be just a bird, but what do I bring to the world? I bring this, my own unique song.
Theo sat for some minutes with tears in his eyes until he felt able to do what he’d been wanting to do for a very long time. He lifted his phone from his pocket and with a sense that time was chasing him, he dialled the number for home.
‘Hello?’
‘Anna?’
‘Theo! Oh my God, I’ve been so worried about you. Radio silence is never good! Are you okay?’
‘I’m...’ The strength of his emotions made speech almost impossible. ‘I’m more than okay,’ he managed.
‘Well, that’s good to hear.’ Her relief was palpable. ‘I... I found your note in the study. Your list – your mum told me where to find it and I love it!’
He could hear the joy in her voice and it warmed him. ‘You did?’
‘I did! I really did. You alphabetised me! You did my game.’
‘I tried.’ He laughed. ‘It was a long time ago, but I wanted so badly to get it right. I wanted you to know how much I loved you, how much I love you.’
‘Oh, Theo, it’s perfect. It...’ There was a hesitation and Theo thought he heard a sob. ‘It... couldn’t have been written by anyone but you, Theo. Only you know me that well.’
It was Theo’s turn now to try and mask his sobs.
‘I’ve missed you so much, Theo, and it seems such a waste, all this... being apart.’ She sniffed down the line. ‘I love the things you wrote about me. They’ve made me happy.’ The sound of another sob. ‘H for happy...’
‘I want to make you H for happy, Anna. I really do.’
There was a pause, then Anna changed tack. ‘Are you outside somewhere?’ she asked.
‘Yes, I’m on the top of a hill looking at the whole wide world.’
‘Are you drunk?’ she asked. ‘You sound... different. More... emotional. Has something happened?’
‘I’m not drunk, no, but I do feel as if a mist has lifted. That’s the only way I can describe it. I went fishing and then I went to Mr Porter’s funeral, and I even visited Vaizey College, and something strange has happened to me... I feel like I can see clearly for the first time.’
‘In what way?’
Her tone was heartbreakingly hopeful, and he pictured her clutching the phone to her ear, wondering what on earth he was going to say next.
‘I met Sophie. I met her, Anna, properly met her – totally by chance – and she is incredible. And I want you to meet Sophie. I want to grow up, Anna. I want the responsibility of being the best husband I can possibly be. I’m not going to let the past shape me, not any more. Someone...’ He swallowed. ‘Someone whose opinion I valued above all others—’
‘Let me guess – Mr Porter, the Fishing-Fly Guy?’
‘Yes!’ He laughed. ‘The Fishing-Fly Guy. He’s just told me that I need to be the master of my own life, to take charge, be confident and watch the changes. I need to cut away the shadows of my childhood.’
‘Oh my God, he is right, Theo, he is absolutely right, and you can do it, we can do it! I have Shania and the twins here and, oh, Theo, seeing those two new lives begin to blossom, it’s such a pleasure and a privilege. You will fall for them just as I have, I know you will. Your Fishing-Fly Guy is absolutely right, my love – the universe is a marvel.’
‘Yes, it is, and I want us to discover it together, my Anna. My love. I’m coming home. I’m coming home to make a plan. We should try and be parents, Anna, just like you’ve always said we should. No ifs or buts. There are kids that need guidance, kids like you and kids like me. We will try our very hardest and one way or another we will make our family. I’m going to be a dad, and you are going to be the best mum ever.’
‘Theo...’ she managed. ‘My Theo.’
‘I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’m coming home.’ He spoke quickly. ‘I am sorry, so sorry, that I held back, that I didn’t give you all of me, but I will make it up to you, I promise. We have time – we have all the time in the world. Mr Porter was eighty when he died – that means we aren’t even halfway through! My Anna, we’re going to live the best life!’
His energy was infectious. ‘My Theodore, you have no idea how happy I am right now. Drive safely. I love you!’
‘I love you too.’
‘And I will be waiting for you, right here. Griff and me.’
Theo placed his phone back in his pocket and looked out towards the hedgerows, where blackbirds, dunnocks and wrens were busy feeding their young and keeping their nests nice and cosy, doing all they needed for their little families to flourish.
He stood and reached for the keys in his pocket.
‘I’m coming home, Anna! I’m coming home.’
Epilogue
2002
> ‘There you are! Thank goodness. I was about to send Griff out with a little barrel of brandy around his neck to come and find you!’ Anna shouted as Theo walked through the front door.
He watched her disappear from view, scooting across the tiled floor in her socks, heading towards the fridge while holding a dish laden with some goodies she had no doubt been prepping for most of the afternoon.
Griff barked his approval at Theo’s homecoming and, as ever, it made him smile. His faithful friend.
‘Where on earth have you been?’ she called.
‘I’ve been walking along the river.’ His voice was calm, steady.
‘I don’t blame you, escaping the madhouse.’ She smiled. ‘You’re nervous,’ she whispered.
‘I really am. I went out mainly to call Spud, but he just said I needed to pull up my big-boy pants and get on with it.’
She laughed. ‘Wise advice.’
Walking slowly into the kitchen, he felt his heart swell with love at the sight of the Easter table, beautifully set with sparkling glassware and polished silver cutlery. The radio was burbling away in the background and the sumptuous smell of roast lamb wafted from the range. Anna was going to so much trouble.
She pulled the blue linen dishcloth from where it hung on the range door and wiped her dainty hands on it. ‘You don’t have to be nervous, Theo. It’s all going to be fine, I promise. You are surrounded by people who love you.’ She stood on tiptoe and kissed his mouth.
‘Anna...’
‘Yes, love?’ She scooted in the opposite direction, off to fetch a small spoon from the cutlery drawer.
‘Thank you.’
‘For what?’ She looked up at him with a wrinkle at the top of her nose.
‘For making it easy. For being you.’
She beamed, batting away the compliment. ‘I’d do anything for you. For us.’
‘We need kitchen paper in here!’ came the shout from the sitting room.
Anna grabbed the roll and walked briskly in response to Shania’s call. It was a sight of near chaos that greeted her. Joshua and David, her twins, now boisterous toddlers, were running off the effects of several Easter eggs, chasing each other around the sofa. One or both had inadvertently knocked over Stella’s rather large gin and tonic, which had been perched on a side table. Samuel, their dad, smiled awkwardly. ‘Sorry, Anna.’
‘Don’t be daft! I love having them here. And, trust me, when you four are all back in St Lucia in a few days’ time, I will be longing for the sound of them running around, trashing our home!’
Shania laughed and smiled at her friend, knowing it was the truth.
‘In a few days, you say? Well, there we are,’ Stella shouted, her expression indicating that the exit of these little human wrecking balls couldn’t come soon enough.
‘I was just telling Shania that the sooner she gets these kids hooked on TV, the more life she’ll get back.’ Melissa pointed at Nicholas and Isabel as if to prove her point. Both lay on their tums with legs kicked up, chins on upturned palms, staring at the TV screen.
‘I’m doing my level best to keep them away from the TV.’ Shania sighed.
‘Well, good luck with that!’ Standing in front of the fireplace, Gerard, Melissa’s husband, raised his wine glass in a show of support. ‘Although I guess if I lived in an island paradise, I might find things to do other than watch rugby on TV.’
It was Samuel’s turn to laugh. Theo thought he looked smug, happy, and this feeling he understood only too well. ‘Come and see us any time – you know that. We love having guests.’
‘Do I have to bring this lot or can I come alone?’ Gerard ducked, trying to avoid the cushion expertly hurled by his wife.
Shania looked up at Anna and Theo and smiled broadly. ‘All these joys await you, you lucky things! Any more news from the adoption agency?’
Theo glanced at Anna and winked at her. ‘Well... we’ve officially passed the “suitable parents” test, apparently, so the next step will be when the agency calls us with a possible match.’ He grinned. ‘We’ve asked to adopt two kids – siblings, if possible. We might even get twins, like you guys! So we’ll be wanting lots of tips, that’s for sure.’
‘Oi oi! There’s a cab just pulled up!’ Sylvie shouted from the chair by the window, a position she liked to occupy, being perfect for watching the comings and goings of the street. As usual she had her slippers on her feet and a mug of tea in her hands and was ready with a running commentary.
Theo looked at Anna, noting the almost imperceptible nod of her head. I’ve got this... He gripped her hand and the two walked into the hallway and threw open the front door.
‘Aaaagh!’ Anna screamed and ran down the path to meet her cousin Jordan, who looked immaculate in his navy Crombie and with a soft grey cashmere scarf knotted at his neck. ‘Goldpie!’ She jumped into his embrace and he twirled her around with his arms clamped around her.
‘I love you so much!’ he yelled to the sky.
Levi, his partner, shook his head with barely disguised embarrassment and walked towards Theo with his hand outstretched. ‘How you doing, Theo?’ he offered sedately.
‘Good, good, Levi. It’s great to see you.’ He took Levi’s hand into both of his.
‘Where is he?’ Jordan shouted as he plopped Anna onto the floor.
Theo braced himself as Jordan ran at him, almost knocking him sideways, and wrapped him in a tight hug. ‘Have you missed me?’ Jordan squeaked.
‘More than I can say.’ Theo screwed his face up as Jordan planted a kiss on his cheek before releasing him.
‘Are Lisa and Micky here?’ he enquired after Anna’s half siblings.
‘Not yet, they’re having lunch with their mum and then coming over later. Don’t worry, you’ll see them. Be warned, Kaylee is hoping for a singing lesson!’ Anna grimaced.
‘Bless her, it would be my pleasure. Are the babies here?’ Jordan clapped.
‘They are, but they’re not babies any more – they’re three and running around like loons after too much sugar.’
‘Oh goody!’ Jordan trilled. ‘That is exactly how I plan on spending today!’
Theo ushered the new arrivals into the sitting room and Anna followed with a cold bottle of champagne and two glasses.
‘Everyone!’ Theo called the room to attention. ‘Most of you already know, but this is Jordan and Levi!’
Sylvie dragged her attention away from the window. ‘Oh, the Americans! Aren’t you two a couple of erm... a couple of...’ She clicked her fingers as if the word evaded her.
It seemed to Theo that the room held its collective breath, wondering what the word might be and considering when it would be appropriate to jump in.
‘Actors!’ Sylvie shouted.
‘Yes!’
‘Actors!
‘We act!’
‘Actors!’
Laughter rippled around the room.
‘Not that well known, I would suggest, if my son finds it necessary to tell us their names. I don’t think Humphrey Bogart or Robert Redford would have to be similarly introduced!’ Stella downed what was left of her G&T.
Anna was just opening her mouth to reply when the front doorbell rang.
‘Oh my God!’ She put her hand over her mouth and pulled up her shoulders. Theo’s heart sang to see her joyful anticipation. Untying her pinny, she threw it over the back of a chair and ran her fingers through her hair.
‘Come on – together.’ He reached for her hand and the two of them walked slowly down the hallway, side by side.
Theo opened the door.
There was a split second of silence as they all allowed the enormity of the moment to sink in.
It was Kitty who made the first move, as she walked in. ‘Hello, Theo! Good to see you. And Anna, so lovely to meet you.’
Theo watched as the two women held each other in a brief but sincere embrace. He felt nothing but relief.
‘You too.’ Anna smiled. ‘I feel as if I know you already,
I really do.’
‘Same.’ Kitty nodded.
The two women turned and stood next to Theo and all three stared at the teenage girl hovering nervously on the doorstep.
‘And you must be Sophie.’ Anna, his beloved Anna, took the girl’s hand and guided her into their home.
Sophie nodded, embarrassed, awkward and a little overcome.
‘This is quite a day for you, for us all,’ Anna offered with her customary kindness, and Theo felt another rush of love for her.
‘Hello, Sophie.’ He smiled at the beautiful girl and felt as if he was dreaming. Here she was, in their house! He had to curb his instinct to rush ahead, give her a key!
‘Hi...’ Sophie hesitated. ‘I don’t really know what to call you.’ She looked over to her mum.
‘Whatever you’re comfy with, darling.’ Kitty winked at her girl.
It was permission of sorts and Theo was thankful. ‘Theo is fine,’ he managed, his voice full of emotion.
‘Or Dad-Theo,’ Anna suggested without embarrassment. ‘I know you already have a proper dad – Angus – but as someone who grew up with no one I could call Dad, I can only imagine how wonderful it might be to be able to say that to two people.’
Sophie beamed at Anna. ‘Yes, you’re right.’ She looked at Theo. ‘Hi, Dad-Theo.’
‘Hello, Sophie,’ he repeated, just for the sheer joy of being able to address her by name.
Anna placed her hands on Kitty and Sophie’s backs and ushered them towards the sitting room. ‘Now, be warned, the house is bursting at the seams and we are an eclectic bunch, but everyone is very much looking forward to meeting you.’
‘I’m looking forward to meeting them.’ Sophie spoke with confidence. ‘And I’m used to eclectic bunches. My family – my... my other family – we’re all really weird.’
‘Then I think you’re going to fit in just fine.’ Anna laughed.
Theo gulped down the tears that gathered and gazed at the girl who looked a lot like him. His tears, however, were for his wife, his beautiful Anna, who had given him the biggest gift in the world.
She made him feel like an ordinary man and not in the slightest bit weird; the kind of man, in fact, who was capable of being a dad.
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